Read this if you need pure LOVE! - How I healed social phobia, being avoidant and BPD

[Aquarius]

Ohhh, this should be interesting... ??

[Aquarius]

00 - Prologue ~

Ok, so I want to write this journal to inspire others. I finally awakened and knew myself. It was similar to Ekhart Tolle, I suffered so much that I hit rock bottom, then things started going upward after I contacted a good ol' internet friend my age (21) whom I met at a psychiatry back in 2012. He told me to get help and promised it will get better and offered empathy... Then read some older replies to a post of mine. I need some post-trauma healing and minor shadow work (and a part time job for a decent income), but I am wise enough and now I implemented everything I learned from actualized org and friends and family and throughout life in a short period of time (say 3 months..). I matured. Solved the maze. Still get ego backlash rarely but it ain't that bad and I can make it go away with self control.

***Note: I didn't read or watch everything from Actualized, but what I read and listened, I implemented. I am too weak right now and my mind can't take more info from Leo vids, he is too advanced. Maybe older ones..

Much respect, @Leo Gura! Thank you for being part of the process and helping me find "da wae!" ?

 

I am NOT a fan of "I'm enlightened ask me anything" journals. You can ask me advice here or in private, (I prefer here so that others can benefit as well, but message me if it's important or sensitive topic. If you can (only if you can cause, I don't mind much haha), pretty please don't use "woo woo" terms and occultist jargon, or over-complicated mental-masturbatory philosophical ideas. Thankies! ? 

Be honest. Be pure. Be direct. Be clear. Be concise. Be objective. Keep it simple and to the point. Ask many questions. Give detailed info so I can give detailed solutions and advice.

I am gonna use this thing as a daily journal as well. To track my growth progress. Easier to track here than on paper. I am not on computer much cause I'm out in the world doing stuff, living life. I spend minimum 5 hours outdoors and / or in nature every day and the rest of the day is spent exploring creative ideas and chatting on Messenger with friends whom are materially more successful than I am at the moment. Which is normal, we are all unique. I am going at my own pace and I have different needs atm. 

I'm also going to share inspiring photos, quotes, books, music, art, people, tips and advice.

I might add astrological notes, videos and article links since I want to learn to read a chart properly.

I will share occasional self-created art. Digital, graphite and paintings. Maybe also photos or vids of my life stuff.......

I plan to structure this like a book. Will see..

Wish me good luck and good health to keep this journal project going! ?

-- 10/oct/2019, 2:27 am

[Aquarius]

i. - Things that were, are and will be "bad" in my life - a radically honest and detailed list

Things I didn't like about myself, things that I struggled with, things that were mildly or severely annoying me, things that were going bad in my life or simply disturbing or disrupting my flow and things I had to accept cause I couldn't change them. These are from birth till now, as chronologically sorted as possible. I have some things I work on too in present or things I sense I will encounter in the future. So I will sort this chapter past - present - future.

a. past hurt

1. I was born 1 week later than it would've been normal. So 9 months and 1 week. I find it lucky cause I am an Aquarius. If I was born on time, I would've been a Capricorn. Still am a Capricorn based on some weird astrological systems, including Vedic. I don't own the book below. It's on my wishlist though! Someone buy me pls? ? Just kiddin. Anyway, sometimes I suspect the reason why I was born a whole effin week later is because both me and my mom were attached to each other. I was overly attached to my family and overly dependent on them because of my financial situation. That doesn't mean I should've felt energetically in debt to them just cause the money, food and shelter, but for some reason I did. Solution: I went to a psychologist whom helps me cope with hardships. She told me I don't have to tell everything to my family, only when I'm ready. I have some secrets since then that they know nothing of... I will tell them about my secrets when it is TIME. ? Another solution to the over-attachment was going outside alone days in a row. I am doing a 100 day challenge of going outside every day..... It is 5th day today. I mean 6th because it is past midnight but that doesn't matter. I am in the mood to write cause I was having a horrible fight with family and I can't sleep so I'm writing this thingie hehe. So..back to subject! I was going outside every day for 6 days and they slowly started believing in me and they let me go outside whenever I wish. I still have to tell them when I leave home. but I am working on a way to make it possible to leave home without letting them know,.. idk if it is a god idea but I would be more comfortable. Plus they invented mobile phones half a century ago ugh. ? Oh well... at least I know I have loving and supporting parents whom care about me, even if they are overprotective. That's the way how the best moms are. <33333 It's so good to have a family that loves you and supports your dreams..
2. When I was born I didn't cry up. They had to take out the water from my throat then I cried. I am sensitive in my throat, for example I can't stand cigarette smoke, incense stick burning, air freshener, (strong) perfumes and deodorants, ice cold air, too hot air and talking too much or singing. I also talk a bit in a mumbling voice and have a weird lisp and russian accent. ?  Solution: Started talking with friends and family more, got out of my comfort zone and called and texted and contacted old friends and people. Told them about my mental illness. Read a novel about a socially awkward girl and how she coped (pic below), and I still have to finish the book..I'm at 54%, it means I read half the book.

.... to be continued.

Edited October 10, 2019 by Aquarius

[Zigzag Idiot]

I'm glad your presence has returned! ???‍♂️

[Aquarius]

@Zigzag Idiot Ain't gonna lie, I missed You the most from this website! ❤️

I was offline for months cause I went to better myself in the cold, harsh reality..

Edited October 10, 2019 by Aquarius

[Aquarius]

comments, advice, suggestions welcomed! ~ 

[Zigzag Idiot]

@Aquarius I relabeled my Journal a while back as besides being an actualization Journal it is a tool for psychological integration. 

If I'm uncertain about posting something, I'll ponder on whether it's coming from my being or more from ego.  If it is something connected with my shadow in a way which would make me inner consider too much later on I'll not post it.

But I will post things connected with my shadow that I have an inner feeling that I've  integrated enough that later on I won't regret or get into neurotic inner considering about it. Posting about this kind of stuff helps me to successfully integrate the issues I'm dealing with more. IME It seems to me being is always capable of spontaneity whereas ego is definitely reactive. Often it's difficult for me to to see or know the difference and so I sometimes fail. If I do, I may go ahead and try to use it as grist for the mill.

Please let me know here or in a private message if I clutter up your Journal too much and I'll take it down or hide it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Aquarius]

On 10/10/2019 at 6:37 AM, Zigzag Idiot said:

@Aquarius I relabeled my Journal a while back as besides being an actualization Journal it is a tool for psychological integration. 

If I'm uncertain about posting something, I'll ponder on whether it's coming from my being or more from ego.  If it is something connected with my shadow in a way which would make me inner consider too much later on I'll not post it.

But I will post things connected with my shadow that I have an inner feeling that I've  integrated enough that later on I won't regret or get into neurotic inner considering about it. Posting about this kind of stuff helps me to successfully integrate the issues I'm dealing with more. IME It seems to me being is always capable of spontaneity whereas ego is definitely reactive. Often it's difficult for me to to see or know the difference and so I sometimes fail. If I do, I may go ahead and try to use it as grist for the mill.

Please let me know here or in a private message if I clutter up your Journal too much and I'll take it down or hide it.

 

 

If you post things to impress others or because you're lonely and you want people to talk to you it's ego.

If you are doing from pure enjoyment, no problem.

Either way you SHOULD NOT repress yourself, just do whatever feels good.

Your journal is my favourite thing on the whole actualized comunity. Ego or not, would miss it badly if you stopped.

Please continue what you do.

 

Journaling is a beautiful tool for shadow integration. I honestly forgot about shadow work n all because I'm doing workout, sports, bike, walking in nature, skateboard all day + dating cool guys soooo I forgot to be online hahaha, but sometimes I have a long deep convo with @Elysian on videochat and he helped me become aware of my etheric body. 

I did shadow work with @Elysian back in the day and it was the most painful thing. I could help you do it so message me sometime friend, take care. Love ~~~

Edited October 25, 2019 by Aquarius

[Aquarius]

continuing of i. -- past hurt

3. When I was a child my father broke my pooping thing that children use and it created a deep emotional scar. I remember I dug deep in my subconscious with @Elysian back in December of 2018, and plucked the whole thing out. Just like that. Ayyyy lmaoooo.

Solution: I contacted my father, I started talking to him on Facebook first and started visiting him again. He is still verbally and emotionaly abusive but I learned to handle it and accept him. I started riding the bike and bought myself an oldskool skateboard. I healed the relationship with my mother. I try to get her mind off compulsive praying habit and I just talk to her like we are best friends. She is double Pisces Scorpio Moon. Father is Sag/Cap cusp, I am Cap/Aqua cusp. We get on well. Mother doesn't talk to father but now she can look at pictures of him. We are ok now.

Book that helped:

@Leo Gura (consider adding this book to your list PLEASE)

 

[Shin]

The pain is worth it, isn't it ?

[Aquarius]

@Shin Absolutely.