Social Conditioning In Dating

[NilsFlair]

 

Today I want to give you guys some insight into the topic of social conditioning. It is a very broad topic and I will only cover a tiny part of it here, but I think that even this peak can give you great clarity on this area.

The amount of fear that exists between the sexes, specifically around dating is enormous. It’s not only approach anxiety and fear of being rejected (that most in the pick up community are well familiar with), but also a more general and broader sense of wanting to fit in and not compromise your social status in society that most men in general experience.

There is a high number of men that are terrified of interacting with women, and it’s not only the immediate fear of being rejected that is so overwhelming to them. It’s deeper, stronger, like invisible shackles that holds all of these men away from women.

Most guys never break out of these shackles, they meet a girl randomly through work or social circle, their partner is a question of chance.

The pick up community does serve an active role in that it presents men with an option, and the sales pitch of pick up is that it takes you out of social conditioning, and into freedom and abundance.

Unfortunately the magnitude of social conditioning that is deeply imprinted in most of us, is so massive that pick up rarely takes care of it, but instead suppresses the desire to follow the code of social conditioning and puts pick up conditioning on top.

Now we have two problems.

I will not talk about pick up conditioning here, but focus on the social conditioning, the reason that it is so strong, and what to actually do about it to loosen it up.

First of all you have to understand that it is not all coming from what you see in society today, social conditioning is a form of cultural structure inherited from the past. It was created for a certain purpose, and it served that purpose well in the past. It’s only now that it has become a bigger and bigger problem, since our culture has evolved so fast at such a short time.

To understand this better, it helps to look at evolution. Evolution brings about things for specific purposes, to satisfy specific needs. And evolution will not always be in alignment with the present. Things that worked well in the past for a society might be completely obsolete today, and other things might be on the path of becoming obsolete, but haven’t yet.

This structure might even exist in our genes, as a evolutionary strategy (for more in depth information about that read: The Red Queen - Matt Ridley and Prometheus Rising - Robert Anton Wilson :check the chapter of the fourth circuit:).

The problem if you suppress it or try to attack it, is that you will not solve the problem, you will not change the code of social conditioning that exist in your mind.

The way to go is to go into it and understand it, without any judgement (of self or others). See it as simply a part of evolution that served its purpose, but now you want to evolve out of it.

The charge of fear that you experience whenever you want to break the social conditioning is there because you haven’t properly explored why you feel it in the first place. If you consciously look at it, you can start to realize that this way of seeing the world and women is not useful to you, and even though there are parts of you that are attached to acting and being perceived in a certain way, your intention is to change these parts.

Not by force, not by making yourself brutally spam approach 1000s of women, but by understanding the deeper drives in your mind, and turning the direction of those drives towards a more congruent goal.

You want yourself to be on your team, and if you are not on your team, find out why and redirect your mind so that it supports you.

“Ok, so how do I do that?” You might be asking. And here my answer becomes a bit more nuanced.

There is not a one way works for everyone and everything here. There are arrays of methods that work well to moderately well, and some methods that work exceptionally well.

One of the first things to do is to find out what the parts of your mind that are motivated by social conditioning wants, and then find a way to give those parts that.

An example could be that if you feel scared of being rejected.

The reason is that you feel scared to break your self image.

The part of you that creates this fear wants to protect your self image.

And it protects your self image because it doesn’t want you to feel the pain of not living up to that self image or being that person that the self image projects, because it thinks that that’s the only way to be loved.

Can you show that part of yourself that you don’t have to live up to the self image in order to be loved?

You most definitely can.

This is a very effective way to free up parts of your mind that are stuck in the patterns of social conditioning.

That’s all for today.

- Nils Flair

[universe]

I love your post

Please elaborate on what you mean by social conditioning. Do you have a more precise explanation (maybe from the book you mentioned)?

 

In my experience the fear of approaching has to do with how needy I am.

Am I in a great need for security? Well Im sure not gonna approach this woman when all the people around see me, I rather make myself small and quite to not stand out from the crowd and dont draw any unwanted attention. Maybe someone will hit me.

Am I in a great need for validation? Ok hmm, what if that woman I talk to says Im not her type and just walks by. Ignoring me? Im really not sure about my worth and maybe if this woman thinks that way I REALLY AM WORTHLESS? Better not risk that possibility.

Am I in a great need for control? Allright, lets figure out the perfect thing to say to this woman before I go. Oh, I forgot to wear my cool pair of shoes today. Ok then I cant go over. Everything needs to be perfect before I can go or I might wont be able to control the situation. Also I need to know the perfect response to her questioning my career or my hobbies. Better watch some youtube videos before I go out of the house!

 

If you can realize yourself in the above than I recommend you release these needs. Think about the worst outcome possible. She runs away, a teenager gang nearby beats me up and Im too awkward to say anything in return. Ok. Can I live with that? Can I be ok with that? Yeah. I mean it wont be a nice evening for me but still I can accept that. Life will go on. Let go of your need for protection, validation and control. You dont need any of that. Its just an illusion.

As Leo said in his videos: Fear just means that you dont yet accept this part of reality. This part of yourself.

This ties in nicely with what you said because I think we are being conditioned by society to have these needs. We are made to believe that if we cant hold a conversation we will be seen as a looser. Many parents raise their kids to fit into society because they themselves are afraid. Its a fearmongering society. Life can be very different.

[NilsFlair]

@universe  Glad you liked it!

Yes I do, for more accurate description I have to explain it from two points of view.

 

The first one comes from the book Prometheus Rising, where the author explains the fourth brain circuit, called the SocioSexual Circuit.

This circuit determines a sex role, and gives you specific rules an behaviors to unconsciously fall into (this would be the genetic or inherent part of social conditioning that is imprinted in your mind). The imprinting and specific direction of this circuit will usually happen during puberty.

 

The second perspective comes from Spiral Dynamics, namely stage Blue, that is absolutistic, and highly conformist. This stage is all about being organized, strict, perfectly following the rules, morals etc. A good example of a very blue structure of in society is the military.

The amount of Blue that you have in your value system will greatly determine how ok you perceive it to be to approach a woman.