Meditation being useless to me

[Name]

I meditate a lot because I get frustrated and angry and i feel out of control.

A streak of 150 days,with a minimum of 20 mins up to 1 hour everyday.

Results?

It feels like I'm supressing my emotions instead of expressiong them.

I just had an argument with my supervisor at my agency,they treated me like shit and I outraged at them instead of keeping myself content and trying to explain the matter.

It should treated it as a discussion instead of making an argument with loud and angry lines fired from both sides,including myself.

I'm not proud of myself,but I honestly do not know how to express my frustration on people without punching them in the face,(I'm not goint to do that but it seems like a good way)..it feels more natural to do it.

What do I do wrong and what are some better ways to express your emotions rather than meditating?

Leo said that screaming at people is a disfunctional way, but on the other way keeping the frustation within is supression,even if I say to myself 'drop it' It will still come back and ask for expression.

Seriously tho,how do you solve this?

I don't care what it takes,I just want to be able to control myself and emotions are really hard to be controlled.

I don't care if it takes years,decades and it involves tehniques which require like 10 hours of work.

Just give me a good way please instead of this meditation-supression that I do.

I honestly don't know how to feel emotions deeper because it stillf feel like it's supression.

He said that emotions should flow through me like I'm a super conductor but they do not even flow,they just stay there and wait to be expressed and meditation just supresses them more..at least this is how I feel it.

Can you get me out of this mistery please?

Thank you for bothering to read my long ass post!

(I'm extremely open minded so come with your theories)

 

[PenguinPablo]

feel that. innn!

[allislove]

If meditation doesn't resonate with you maybe try other tools:
• Kriya yoga
• Psychedelics
On the theory side, you can read emotional mastery section in the Leo's book list.

Edited October 8, 2019 by dimitri

[Name]

1 hour ago, PenguinPablo said:

feel that. innn!

this is my whole point,its a supression.

It's like I'm sick and you're telling me not to vomit,but to experience my sickness.

 

[Dlavjr]

Hit the gym, before I started with all the psychadelics and meditation that's how I released all my aggression. 

[Maya_0]

What sort of meditation are you doing? Different meditation techniques will train different aspects of how your mind works. To train for emotion control, I would recommend doing vipassana meditation with noting. That is also the meditation needed to awaken to the truth of reality, so you can work towards that as well by doing it.

For emotional control, the trick is to create a "gap" between what's happening and your reaction to what's happening.  That's what vipassana meditation will train. So you witness something that makes you angry, and you can just be aware and feel the anger and rage arise within your body as a flowing flux of empty sensations. You can just be aware of that. And not react to it. That is not supression, that is going right in and feeling your emotions.

Awakening will also give you a lot of added capacity to control emotional reactivity if you decide to go for that, but a lot of control can be developed without awakening too.

Edited October 8, 2019 by Maya_0