Feeling stuck in indecisions, fears, paralysis . Don't know how to move foward.

[Giulio Bevilacqua]

Hi. 

I have never experienced a state where I'm am blocked like this. 

My paralysis in making decisions and trying to know what to do becomes bigger. 

Everything is about my external situation. Some time ago I decided to attend university, just to try how it goes. It is hard situation because I do not know if it is worth . I have to spend a lot of Mooney and time in train. 

I have a band in which I play that can have some success  . In the last period where I got various spiritual glimpses I started to question my band. I got a fear of becoming "famous" fear that my spiritual path would be contaminated or stopped. I like to play with them but there is also an opposite force.

I do not know if i should continue everything, leave everything .

The truth is just that I do not know or maybe I know and have the fear to admit it. 

For the band I have fear to hurt them in case I decide to leave them.

All this concentration on spirituality and enlightemnt made a huge distance and loss of interest from external activities. 

I also thought to stop everything and do some volunteering in sadgurus ashram, just to breath and take distance from the situation. 

What I know for sure is that my life is about spiritual awakening , what to do externally I really do not know . I'm good at lots of things and love lots of things 

I'm 21 years old so maybe it is quite normal going though something like this but sometimes I'm really desperate because it is quite long that I'm stuck in this. 

[loub]

Very similar situation here. I tend to find myself switching between states of silence and presence and states of anxiety about the future, hopelessness. There is little in between, maybe a sense of numbness. In that suffering I shame myself a little for being overly concerned with what I otherwise know to be so petty. On the other hand this lack of drive and direction has become a hindrance to my growth and development. But how can you be so concerned about your self in the face of such marvel and wonder. Other people in contrast seem so content just doing something and partying and having a good time, so what justification is there to go and tell them that they don't know what is truly important and they miss the point of life when you are depressed and anxious.

I think it is very important to notice that that kind of unexamined life is no longer a possibility. You are beyond the point of no return. You must then acknowledge that you dream of a different kind of life, a life of truth and beauty and self-expression and connection and impact. You have stepped outside the box and now you are falling because you have yet to discover that gravity does not apply here. Think for yourself, what is truly important to you beyond social and cultural conditioning. How do you want to create your life?

[LastThursday]

@Giulio Bevilacqua you only have two options:

• Make a decision and change now
• Don't make a decision now and carry on the same

If you want to stop the suffering all you have to do is choose one.

Looks like at the moment you've chosen the second one - and there's nothing wrong with that - it will all turn out ok anyway.

[yangmilun]

Indecisions, fears and paralysis are valuable that you can deliver your negative feeling to your music, it's your own story, your own inspiration. Becoz Many 20-something have similar problem so it's greatful if they could find you. Enjoy your music. 

Sick it, leave it. Love it, create for it. 

 

[ttom]

@Giulio Bevilacqua  What you are experiencing is very normal. I will share with you my experience in this position. I am also 21.

Early on in my development, I began experiencing a desire to disconnect. This peaked at a certain stage and I had dropped most of the things in my life. I had very little possessions and many of my relationships and the external things I was passionate about had faded away. The only thing that was still present was my "spirituality pursuit". While this may be a viable path for some, I discovered an important distinction at the crux of my current state. Some of the things I had disconnected from were a result of growth and wholeness, while others were disconnected from out of fear. This is a very important realization.

When you are "moving towards enlightenment" it becomes very easy to use it as a justification for running from fear. I had justified escaping from many things that I needed to make peace with. These aspects will always be a hindrance to your capacity to let go until you invite them back in and integrate them properly. Sometimes letting go, requires falling into something rather than falling away from it.

Now, a great question might be. How do I know if I am running from fear or, letting go into wholeness?

The answer to this is found in the heart. It will require many mistakes and missteps before you develop an effective intuition. If music is truly something you love and not just a means to survival, then when you play, try to let go of all stories surrounding your music and just be with the experience of playing itself. The experience of music can be a timeless haven of blissful emptiness. If you cannot do this, then perhaps your music is inextricably linked with your fear of the future and solely a means to identity.

The ultimate litmus test is to let go of all fear and see where you drift. The direction you drift is one of truth. Letting go does not mean disconnecting, escaping or quitting. It simply means surrendering to the now.

I found I wasn't able to let go until I began to embody these insights...

- Determinism ( no free will )

- No self ( the illusion of a solid self to hang your hat on )

- Mind dis-identification ( realizing you are not the mind )

- Effort and action producing spiritual awakening ( realizing that the essence of spirituality is in "being", not in "seeking" - Seeking is another story constructed by the mind ). Quitting something consciously is a subtle form of seeking. When you truly transcend something it will fall away effortlessly. 

A final thought. Could it be possible that your desire to leave the band is not a fear of success, but a fear of failure?

Good luck my friend.

 

[Giulio Bevilacqua]

7 hours ago, ttom said:

@Giulio Bevilacqua  What you are experiencing is very normal. I will share with you my experience in this position. I am also 21.

Early on in my development, I began experiencing a desire to disconnect. This peaked at a certain stage and I had dropped most of the things in my life. I had very little possessions and many of my relationships and the external things I was passionate about had faded away. The only thing that was still present was my "spirituality pursuit". While this may be a viable path for some, I discovered an important distinction at the crux of my current state. Some of the things I had disconnected from were a result of growth and wholeness, while others were disconnected from out of fear. This is a very important realization.

When you are "moving towards enlightenment" it becomes very easy to use it as a justification for running from fear. I had justified escaping from many things that I needed to make peace with. These aspects will always be a hindrance to your capacity to let go until you invite them back in and integrate them properly. Sometimes letting go, requires falling into something rather than falling away from it.

Now, a great question might be. How do I know if I am running from fear or, letting go into wholeness?

The answer to this is found in the heart. It will require many mistakes and missteps before you develop an effective intuition. If music is truly something you love and not just a means to survival, then when you play, try to let go of all stories surrounding your music and just be with the experience of playing itself. The experience of music can be a timeless haven of blissful emptiness. If you cannot do this, then perhaps your music is inextricably linked with your fear of the future and solely a means to identity.

The ultimate litmus test is to let go of all fear and see where you drift. The direction you drift is one of truth. Letting go does not mean disconnecting, escaping or quitting. It simply means surrendering to the now.

I found I wasn't able to let go until I began to embody these insights...

- Determinism ( no free will )

- No self ( the illusion of a solid self to hang your hat on )

- Mind dis-identification ( realizing you are not the mind )

- Effort and action producing spiritual awakening ( realizing that the essence of spirituality is in "being", not in "seeking" - Seeking is another story constructed by the mind ). Quitting something consciously is a subtle form of seeking. When you truly transcend something it will fall away effortlessly. 

A final thought. Could it be possible that your desire to leave the band is not a fear of success, but a fear of failure?

Good luck my friend.

 

Thank you very much for your patience and for your words . I'll will answer that band question. 

No,I'm very sure it is about success . My fear is that if we become in some way successful I'll get too much trapped in ego. That's because I have fear to be influenced by my band members that are quite unconscious or that my mind could not sustain fame.