mood

[Average Investor]

@flume You guys are hardcore floating for 4-5 hours lol. I just did my first time recently and I dosed some L-Theanine before hand. I highly recommend that. In the US, we just call it a float tank. 

You guys look like you have a lot of fun together! Congrats!

[ThinAir]

On 10.3.2021 at 0:31 PM, flume said:

Shadow process: Scared of commitment

(I can’t really explain....

...

...

...

 I’ll come back when I do. Thank you.

Wow..

[ThinAir]

5 hours ago, Average Investor said:

@flume You guys are hardcore floating for 4-5 hours lol.

 

@Average Investor It's 2 hours each. But id love to try 4-5 hours in one session and feel the difference 

 

5 hours ago, Average Investor said:

You guys look like you have a lot of fun together! Congrats!

She is such a blessing.. <3

Edited March 24, 2021 by ThinAir

[Average Investor]

@ThinAir That's fair enough. The ones we have here you can actually go in with your partner too.

Did you guys meet from this forum? 

[ThinAir]

@Average Investor no we got to know eachother in person

[flume]

I just realised why I love personality typology so much. I could never quite put my finger on why I’m so fascinated with this theory but now I can. 

I thought about P. coming over tomorrow and that I’d really like to share my new video idea with him before uploading it. It actually gets me excited to get up early in the morning to shoot and edit before he’s coming over. I played the scenario through in my mind: how I’m bringing it up, getting my computer and being kind of nervous to share something a little different. For a moment I stopped and asked myself why I’m so nervous about it. I mean, he’s my best friend, right? Still, it’s his feedback that I value the most because it’s the most constructive and clear kind of feedback I’ve ever gotten. He’s not shy to point out logical inconsistencies, consider the effect it has on people and just shine a light on it from so many sides I would have never considered. I know that whatever he says, he means. And I know that he values our friendship, but that this would never prevent him from being straight forward with me. In my very feel-y, social surroundings, I don’t have these kinds of conversations very much. It’s actually constructive. I can be certain that my growth is his top priority in our interactions, which intrigues me and draws me towards him so much.

In short, he’s a badass ENTJ. A natural leader with amazing levels of self awareness that make me so proud to have him in my life.

And I wish he could see that about himself. I wish he could see how unique his way of making sense of this world is, how incredible he is at organising knowledge and how he has strengths that are really quite unique and powerful. 

But most people can’t see those parts about themselves because they’re like a fish in water. It’s so natural to them, that the only way they’re aware of their inner workings is when contrasting them with others. People often feel “off” when they sense they’re unlike others. They become jealous or insecure and that’s honestly the most unfortunate thing I’ve ever observed.

I love people. But that’s not the point. I want people to see what I see. I want them to see themselves with great appreciation, celebrating their uniqueness the way others probably already do.

And until then, I’ll just point it out and love it in people until they can see it themselves. I really have no choice about that. Authenticity and uniqueness are so invigorating to me that I have to stop what I’m doing many times during the day because I’m awestruck by the piece of art every person in my life is.

[flume]

Something a little different 

 

[flume]

A few days ago I thought "It would be so nice to have flowers in my apartment" for the first time in my life. Up until now I always thought it's kind of weird to gift flowers and that I'd rather have living plants. I just never got what's so special about it. Well, I guess someone picked up on that wish and had some delivered right to my door Now I totally get the hype. It's sooooo beautiful. I mean look at that. Makes me so happy to have them at my desk. What a day 

[flume]

First try recording covers. This was so much fun 

 

[flume]

There’s something intoxicating about becoming the healthiest version of myself.

Currently on a little health challenge with a friend of mine. We get points for not eating sweets, intermittent fasting and working out. We’re competing for a super nice yoga mat. (Fun fact: I’ve been doing yoga for 5 years now and I don’t have a yoga mat) it’s a ton of fun and so motivating to do something like this together.

I really go through phases when it comes to health. Sometimes I don’t really want to think about it too much and just focus on other things in my life. I wanna eat what I feel like and not become so obsessed (again) with nutrition and working out. Luckily, I still crave healthy food most of the time even then.

But then, during challenges like these, it’s like I glimpse some kind of “super human” version of myself and I just wonder on what kind of high level I could function if I’d be really diligent with my health. Feels like developing superpowers sometimes… The simple basics of enough sleep, working out, stretching, massages and healthy food make me feel sooo damn good. Totally enjoying the mental clarity, focus and groundedness that comes with it as well. Ugh.

Matt Kahn once said that the most wonderful experience you’ll ever have is experiencing your consciousness, fully awakened, in a body grounded in all its senses. That’s bliss. And I can totally imagine that.

I end up thinking “I really wanna focus all my time and energy into this aspect of my life”. But that’s how I feel about at least 10 totally different areas of my life. Haha. Damn it. Sometimes I’m thinking that if I just wouldn’t need to sleep, I’d have enough time to do all the things I want to do everyday. 

[fridjonk]

@flume I so get what you mean. Optimizing your health is very addictive, especially when you make it a challenge with a friend, or set goals. Sometimes I just want to climb mountains for 40 hours straight and feel into being a body in nature, getting high on oxygen.

And my ultimate dream would of course be to climb a mountain with Matt Kahn.  

[Michael569]

19 hours ago, flume said:

 

First try recording covers. This was so much fun 

 

 

 so beautiful

[flume]

@fridjonk Riiight? Have you ever taken 2CB? I always get such mind blowing insights about health on that drug, don't know why. I think I'll compile them here in a post sometime.

Aw, Matts event in London just got cancelled (or moved online rather), otherwise I would have totally passed that wish along to him 

Love the new pic btw! You better believe I'm booping that nose through the screen every time it pops up. How do you get them to stare so straight into the camera though!? Very impressive.

@Michael569 Thanks

[flume]

Wow, I haven’t been this exhausted in over a year I think. This really hit me out of nowhere. It’s like I’m standing with my back towards the ocean and a huge wave builds up without me even realising and down I go.

I think I’m overworked and overexcited from this (birthday) weekend, a difficult family situation, my car breaking down and just too many things planned in general.

The tension between wanting to do many beautiful things and at the same time wanting the most simple life with nothing planned is killing me. Even though it doesn’t feel like a contradiction most days, these days it really does.

After I got home from work yesterday evening I was shaking and so confused, I didn’t know what to do. I realised I couldn’t feel myself anymore. I took a bath, splashed around in the water, trying to ‘find myself’ again. I felt thrown back to years ago, when I felt similarly maniac, ready to take any kind of drug or cut myself open just to feel something. Anything.

I knew I was safe though. No way I would hurt myself in any way. I knew that this too will pass and I’ll be out of this in no time. But still I was able to really surrender to this weird state I found myself in.

Old thoughts and memories flooded my system to a point where I had to give up making sense of any of that. The thoughts had no real grip on me anymore, same with sensations. Everything was just passing by. All that was left was a stream, a sequence of “happenings” that I couldn’t even judge “crazy” or “helpful” anymore, because perception had no interest in these labels.

In the middle of this non-dual experience, I realise I’ve found an unexpected loophole through suffering, to the present moment.

I knew that this is possible. I’ve found out about this conceptually on my first LSD trip. It’s the same “hole” Eckhart Tolle fell into. At the bottom of every negative feeling, the present moment is always here to catch you. “You cannot fall deeper than into Gods hands” they said. I guess that’s where this phrase came from.

 

Today I’m here. 

Coming back to what I love most. Writing to seek the lesson.

 

Dear feeling of exhaustion and overwhelm, I know you’re a great teacher. Please share with me the gifts you’re bringing especially to me. 

You’re free to experience anything and it doesn’t define you. 

So why am I having these feelings?

So you learn that lesson.

So it has nothing to do with outward circumstances?

Outward circumstances are created to teach you the lessons you need.

 

I don’t feel like “my consciousness” ever changes though. Highs, lows, even sleep and trips, nothing ever fundamentally changes about the one perceiving all this. At all.

It doesn’t.

So why those “lessons” then?

So you realise that.

Realise what?

That your consciousness never changes and you can finally be safe with life. All of life.
You just still had the impression that the thing you do or the things that happen to you define you in any way. They don’t. None of this is about you.

[fridjonk]

3 hours ago, flume said:

Have you ever taken 2CB? I always get such mind blowing insights about health on that drug, don't know why. I think I'll compile them here in a post sometime.

Nope, but whenever I take LSD or Mushrooms outside I usually get that body feel. especially in the lower-midrange doses. And please do post them.

3 hours ago, flume said:

Love the new pic btw! You better believe I'm booping that nose through the screen every time it pops up. How do you get them to stare so straight into the camera though!? Very impressive.

This particular sheep was so kind and calm, like an old dog so it wasn't hard at all. 

[flume]

My car broke down several times last week and I’m in the process of getting a new one. Pretty pointless to begin describing how much it annoys me to take care of this. On the bright side, the moment I allowed myself to really really really really really really really hate this situation, I suddenly felt a lot better. I can now laugh about how much I hate it all, I can totally commit to the experience and it doesn’t feel sticky anymore. I enjoy living the “I hate to take care of practical stuff”-archetype, even moaning about how energy draining it all is and how I just want my inner world back. It’s great. Perks of having inferior extroverted sensing.

[flume]

Whenever people hear my name for the first time, they start singing one song or another. Waiting for the day someone brings up this one

 

[flume]

Writing. Writing. The infamous attempt
Of sorting and sifting through thoughts and events of
Days and lives and times away
Still grudging through me, still making me sway

My heart laying bare, my limbs lame and stiff
While my insides are bubbling through the tales of my midst
Paralysed by who you forgot to be
In moments of opening all life back to thee

And steady and vast is the warmth that awaits
Every feeling and sound and thought and excess
If the depth of it all is allowed to reveal
The true nature of surrendering the means to appeal

Shedding, shedding, visions of light
Holders of dreams, bearers of night
Ride me back to where this song began
The source of all longing to unite me again

In me and with me and through me it is 
That these words are the cure
That these words help me live

[flume]

How should I begin to describe these past weeks? And is it even necessary? Let’s just say I was in a real swirl for a moment, annoyed by cars and family troubles, navigating some trauma-purges but still enjoying the intensity of it in some interesting way.

I noticed that I’m spending quite some time lately thinking about how I’m coming across. How people perceive me, in real life but also on here crosses my mind a lot. It makes me wanna come up with all kinds of ways to present myself in a better light. Those thoughts can be a real rabbit hole… “Maybe I’m not humble enough. Maybe I come across as arrogant or unrelateable.”  

But I have no interest in placing myself somewhere in comparison to other people. I have no interest in downplaying my experience by ranking it in some kind of system.

Why can’t experiences just stand for themselves? 

I mean, come as you are. Right?

Any direction this conversation on being or not being a certain way is going seems to be a dead end though. It leads nowhere. What I’m trying got get at is that this whole conversation feels pretty off. It’s not like I’m gonna come to some sort of conclusion, finally ranking myself on some kind of modesty scale in comparison to other people.

I feel like this whole post is gonna eat its own tail pretty soon.

I’m actually quite excited because I feel like this kind of thinking is really coming to an end for good soon. “I’m like this. I’m like that. This is how I am.” Seems like these thoughts just need to recycle a few more times in my head, maybe 3 times or 300 times, who knows. But they’re like weeds without water, so they’ll die away pretty soon.

It’s just a funny tendency to get in my own way. Self-referential thinking 101. The freedom of experiences just standing for themselves is unmatched though. People have their experiences. I have my experiences. And they don’t need to have anything to do with each other. This is freedom.

[fridjonk]

When I've gone through my attachment of thoughts to the point where I notice it in the moment, the only thing to do is let go, not trying to do anything or change anything. The experience of having gone through the thought loops and dropping them gets implemented into my being and it becomes easier with time. I notice it only gets worse if I use thought to change thought. It's always enough for me to experience it, then drop, experience, drop.