mood

[Michael569]

12 hours ago, flume said:

If I’m honest with myself in these moments, I have to say, I have the most beautiful life ever. All the things I envisioned for myself when I was a teenager are here now. Including me, in my wonderful apartment, on a day with nothing planned, playing this piece on my piano. This life is unreal. Love and gratitude fill my heart.

This is exactly the feeling I got from watching your video. It was powerful, beautiful and soothing to the mind & soul. Very happy for you 

[allislove]

15 hours ago, flume said:

Had a little cry this afternoon. I played piano for 4 or 5 hours, worked on a really difficult piece by Chopin. When I was playing it I had a moment where I “dropped through”, I just saw my hands playing but it was like I wasn’t doing anything, just witnessing. I couldn’t believe I’m playing this piece!!! It all seemed so unreal. It’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard and here I am, playing it just fine. 

If I’m honest with myself in these moments, I have to say, I have the most beautiful life ever. All the things I envisioned for myself when I was a teenager are here now. Including me, in my wonderful apartment, on a day with nothing planned, playing this piece on my piano. This life is unreal. Love and gratitude fill my heart.

??

Great video, subscribed. 

[flume]

@Average Investor Thanks for the nice feedback, appreciate it a lot!  I have a mirrorless camera actually. It's great though. Really light weight with an amazing quality for shooting videos. It's a panasonic GX80 I believe, or GX85. Something like that. 

Next thing I wanna get is a microphone. Do you have any recommendations there?

@Michael569 @allislove The encouragement is real  Thanks a bunch!

[flume]

*Screeetch* 

So happy she made another one of these videos. They're really good.

Those are good as well:

 

[flume]

New haircut, sun in my face, wind in my hair, Lana Del Rey in my ears... Spring is here my friends

Also bought a bunch of fly lookin' vintage clothes today:

[flume]

Another video Talking to the camera does indeed get easier @Average Investor

 

[Average Investor]

@flume Great job! I am not sure on microphones. 

That book looks really solid. I liked the preview you gave. I am familiar with EDT and SD, but I have not read ken wilbers work yet. I definitely need to read some. That book seems really practical, so I am going to get that in my library. 

[flume]

My content consumption basically equals zero the past months. I barely watch one video a day, can’t pick up books, online seminars and talks don’t really interest me. Every time I try, I have to stop after 3 minutes. It just doesn’t feel right.

Where did my curiosity go?

Nowhere.

Or did it?

I just don’t feel like more information will add anything to my life at this point.

My usual questions are disappearing.

I’m also more interested in people lately. The effect people directly have on each other, the dynamics that evoke growth and change. That’s stunning to observe. I wonder what my role in all this is. I wonder how I change people. I wonder why the people in my life are in my life and how they’re shaping me. I wonder if I’m becoming more or less relatable. I love observing people. You can just tell what someone is feeling so obviously by walking past them in the streets sometimes. I wonder what excites them. I wonder what they believe in. And how all of that is working out for them. “Energy” is a word I sort of avoided because it always had this new-age-y feel to it but damn it… Energy exchange is crossing my mind a lot lately.

I love observing how my body's energy seems to change after yoga or meditation, after eating different foods or going certain places. It’s not something I could ever communicate. But there seems to be this underlying field where everything is constantly influencing everything else… It’s intense. It’s almost creepy. It makes nothing boring, nothing irrelevant and I glimpse the miracle that every moment is. Sometimes I feel like I’m the centre of the universe and whatever move I make is shifting the fate of all of existence. Like I get to make a move and then watch the entire world reflect back to me how much love I dare to put out there.

Life has an eternal quality to it these weeks.

I wonder if any kind of linear cause and effect type scenario got me to this place. Doesn’t seem right to take credit for it. I also can’t trace my tracks. This is not something I could have willed into existence.

Or maybe all the handpan music is just making me high af.

[fridjonk]

On 2/28/2021 at 9:41 PM, flume said:

Here it is 

 

Wow, this went over my head! You're setting new levels for beginner content creators, maybe I'll join someday in the near future; looks so fun! 

My heart lit up when I saw the animals, I miss having cattle.  

And good job with the stretching ?

I'll have to work on my front splits as well, but focusing on the side split for now. 

[flume]

@fridjonk 

[flume]

Ok, let’s talk about something that’s long overdue.

I recently met a guy who’s… just… indescribable… Confident, intelligent, funny, assertive, masculine, reflecting, open minded, entrepreneurially minded, honest, direct, wants to (is, actually) change(ing) the world for the better, into psychedelics, spirituality, personal development, etc., insane tantric sex that I can’t even begin to describe, doesn’t ejaculate, similar values + views on relationships, freaking good looking, worships the hell out of me, makes me laugh and makes me feel safe, makes me feel like a girl, opens and touches me in ways I never thought were possible. In addition, he’s crazy about me as well. Without loosing his frame. So yes, miracles do exist. 

We’re both sort of overwhelmed and didn’t think something like this could exist. He’s very clear about his feelings though: He loves me and doesn’t want to see other girls anymore. He asked me if I want to be in a relationship with him a few nights ago and I froze. I just couldn’t answer. I always freak out at this point. I’ve been sort of feeling constricted since then. Just labelling it “a relationship” is seemingly too much. Even though it wouldn’t change anything. But I just go blank at the thought of it. He even said “I love you” and my first instinct was to say it back. But the words got stuck in my throat. I couldn’t. Some fear was holding me back.

I know what my therapist would say: I could stop projecting everything into the future and just take it one day, or one week at the time. Decide what feels right now and realise my freedom in all this. Have a playful attitude about it and just experiment. I always get lost in thinking that this is some kind of ultimate decision, that there’s no way back, even if I’d feel terrible in the relationship. I think it comes from my parents christian background where you’re only allowed one partner for life, so you better choose wisely. You’re gonna be stuck with him forever after all. So the time frame I work with in relationships is just always so long, which really isn’t helpful.

But that’s exactly the point: If we feel good with each other now, why not just leave it at that? Why call it anything? Isn’t calling it a relationship just another person’s way of making sure you’re not cheating on them? (Probably not, I’m just having a bit of a fucked up view on this I think.) Why do that? Why can’t we just trust each other and be independent enough to do whatever feels good and then be honest about it. I don’t want to control or collapse into another person. Or is it some kind of promise that we’re standing by each others side no matter what? I don’t want to promise that. The only thing I ever want to promise someone is being honest to them, to the best of my abilities.

 

Considering logic, nothing speaks against a relationship with this man. I’ve been single for a few years now, and barely any guy ever interests me.

 

What’s the source of this constriction then? Do I know our growth is better served when we’re not together? Do I intuit I should be alone? Commitment phobia? Is it just too good to believe it? Am I too used to being single? Am I creating a problem where there isn’t one? Does the current relationship model not work for me?

 

It feels like shortness of breath.

 

I know it’s one of the above reasons. And I need to find out asap, because this is tripping me up big time. Might ruin something very precious here.

As an act of rebelling against the (perceived) restraint I even went out on a date with another guy today. He picked me up in a sleek car, we went for a walk and he invited me for dinner. Nothing happened. Obviously. I think he’s very traditional and would take it slow. Which is nice for a change. LOL. Why am I even thinking about this? I’m not even 2% as interested in him as in the other guy. And still, I do things that are totally unlike me. Like being impressed by an expensive car, which I couldn’t care less about usually. I honestly wouldn’t have agreed to that date today if I didn’t feel trapped.

 

God damn it. That would not be the first time I get anxious at the thought of a potentially great relationship and then ruin it by hooking up with someone else. I feel doomed. This is my way of avoiding true intimacy. The circle needs to be broken.

Even if it’s late and I’m exhausted, I want to know what this is about. So here goes the shadow process again:

[flume]

Shadow process: Scared of commitment

(I can’t really explain this process. I just ask questions or write them down and answers come. I don’t really know how it works but whatever ‘intuition’ I’m ‘communicating’ with is always so benevolent and healing.)

Dear super constricted feeling in my belly and chest, I’m able to turn towards you now. I want to find out everything about your purpose, I want to listen closely to what you have to say even though I’m really freaking tired. Please share your wisdom with me. I feel so uptight whenever you visit me, my breath is constricted and I just want to break free. I do all kinds of crazy things then instead of just turning towards you and asking you why you’re here. I don’t want to do some kind of mental gymnastics or reframe things. I want to see the root of this. Why can’t I breathe properly?

“Because you think a feeling can constrict your breathing”

(Taking a moment to relax my shoulders, sit upright and breathe deeply)

Why do you feel so intense on my left side? 

“Your left side is your feminine side.”

Why do you always arise at the point where it’s about being in a relationship or not?

“To get you out of some old believes”

Which believes?

“That relationships need to be certain way.”

They don’t?

“You keep projecting your mothers relationship with you onto every person you meet. This has nothing to do with the reality of what relationships could be.”

Thank you for telling me. I love you. I see you’re hurting.

“I’ve been hurting for years.”

Why don’t I always feel you then? 

“You do always feel me. Every time a guy comes into your life you’re confronted with the same problem. You’re just not getting on to the clue.”

What’s the clue?

“Not everyone’s like your mom.”

Do I project that onto people?

“Yes. You think they’re insensitive, they’ll make fun of you, they won’t be there for you, they won’t care for you properly.”

*emotional outburst*

SHE WAS RIGHT FUCKING THERE WHEN I WAS GETTING HIT AND HURT

SHE KNEW! SHE FUCKING KNEW AND TURNED AWAY ANYWAYS

SHE ALWAYS TURNED AWAY

EVEN WHEN I BEGGED HER TO FUCKING LOOK

NO ONE EVER CONTAINED MY EMOTIONS

I ALWAYS HAD TO DO IT MYSELF

NO ONE EVER CAME

NO ONE EVER CAME WHEN I WAS CRYING IN MY ROOM

I LEARNED TO DEAL WITH THINGS DAMN WELL BY MYSELF THANK YOU VERY MUCH

I’d rather not have a love life than going through this pain ever again. It’s not worth it.

“So there you go. That’s your allergic reaction”

Crying myself into nothingness felt like an endless pit to fall into, with nothing and no one to catch you. Until you’re too exhausted and pass out. The next day, you find strategies to cope. Great way of growing up quickly.

“It doesn’t need to be that way.”

I tried to look at that problem for years.

“But never with this amount of awareness, support and self-love.”

I’m afraid of becoming whole.

“I know.”

So what do I do now?

“Go to bed. You’re too tired for this now.”

 

Next day:

 

I’m here again. I didn’t sleep much but I think I can do this now.

“You always think you have to do something, don’t you?”

How else am I gonna solve this problem?

“You don’t have to solve every problem yourself.”

There’s this insane amount of distrust and disappointment towards my parents. I don’t even think I know what it feels like to be seen and taken care of. And now it’s too late. I’m an adult now. Can’t re-enact childhood and my parents aren’t gonna change to heal any of this. Is what happens to you in childhood a spell you can’t get rid of?

“No, it’s the perfect setup for setting you free. You’d never know true freedom and true clarity if you didn’t experience the opposite before. Without contrast, there’s nothing to experience.”

I’m not sure I’m doing this right.

“Just keep going.”

Soooo, you manifest on my feminine side because…

“Receiving love freaks you out. You can’t give up control over the situation. You insist on being independent. Just look at your journal: “Independent” might be the most used word. It’s your number 1 value even.”

Is independence wrong?

“No, you just haven’t realised what independence really is.”

What is it, really?

“Being free to experience every flavour of life without making it about you. Being in the world, but not of it. Realise the nothingness you came from and thereby committing completely to this human experience. Committing to being you.”

Why am I so freaked out about a relationship with this guy?

“Because he’s great.”

I knooooooowww! Why does that freak me out?

“Cause he’d be able to see you much more deeply than anyone you’ve been with so far. He already has, in fact. And you remember these moments.”

Yeah it terrifies me. The consistency and honesty with which he’s showing up is unbelievable. I can actually trust him. 

Which feels like a big slap in the face is just around the corner. 

That’s how it always was with my parents: I’d get myself back together, do my things for a while and after a few weeks I’d start opening up again. I so wanted to connect with them so I slowly tried. It felt really good and I started craving sharing my life and feelings with them. And then the moment I relaxed and let my guard down a bit, I’d be stabbed in the back with a hurtful comment about being lazy, stupid, unskilled,… And I promised I wouldn't fall into that trap ever again. But I did, again and again.

“Ok. Ok. How long do you want to bask in that? That’s no longer the case, right? Your relationship with your parents is much different now, right?”

True. It really has changed.

“You feel safe now right?”

Yeah

“So what has changed?”

I have changed

“How?”

I feel safe with myself now, so I don’t need to look for safety in them. I can interact with them without making it about me. I’m secure in myself, so they can’t hurt me anymore.

“Oh. Security. Great word. Isn’t that what they call it? ‘Secure attachment’”

Yeah. But I thought they meant to other people.

“Secure attachment is a contradiction in case you haven’t noticed. What they mean is that a healthy relationship can only be built between two people who are thoroughly rooted in themselves. And you can do that now. You’re just not used to it. Which is why it feels a bit off in the beginning: You can’t believe how good it feels and you’re just waiting for the downfall. You don’t believe that relationships can be enhancing and serving your growth without hurting you. That’s why you’re avoiding this relationship: You can’t be hurt anymore, so you think you’re doing something wrong and that this is not a proper relationship.”

That’s so funny.

“You’re doing much better than you think.”

Maybe the word ‘relationship’ just has too much old baggage for me. It reminds me of things that hurt me. How can I cut that string?

“You don’t need to do that. Just realise your growth in the past years. You couldn’t get hurt even if you tried.”

Why do I freak out about the word ‘relationship’?

“Cause you think it comes with conditions. It’s not that the word comes first and it has requirements attached to it, so you adopt them when you adopt the word. Realise that the great feelings and space between you two comes first. It’s already there. And out of celebrating the beauty of it, out of pure joy, you give that space a name. But the name never changes the space.”

That’s like exactly what he is doing.

“That’s why it doesn’t feel constricting for him. He realises the label doesn’t change the space. Nor will it ever.”

So why the label?

“To acknowledge something really awesome. That’s what labels do. That’s why you have a name. A label doesn’t mean anything, it’s a celebration. Anything you can label doesn’t mean anything, it’s a celebration."

Ok bro, getting real metaphysical here.

“Yeah you like that, don’t you?”

Yeah

“So you’re getting hung up because you think there’s some kind of decision to make. There isn’t. You already decided you’re gonna meet again. The space between you is awesome. The word doesn’t have anything to do with the space. So try to find the ‘big decision’ you’re trying to make.”

Why did I go on that date yesterday?

“Cause it really really really worried you to a point where you couldn’t avoid this process anymore. It’s such an obvious sabotage that you could have never ignored.”

Should I tell him I went on a date?

“Being as honest as possible is always the best bet in a relationship. Besides: Like you could lie to people. You can’t. So you don’t have an option ;-)

Do you still have any questions?”

I’ll come back when I do. Thank you.

[flume]

Made another video talking about my experience in a sensory deprivation tank (samadhi tank) 

 

[fridjonk]

Amazing!  You're a natural at this youtube thing. 

[RendHeaven]

On 3/10/2021 at 6:14 AM, flume said:

I recently met a guy who’s… just… indescribable…

Is this Andi?

Loved the opening montage!

[Michael569]

Now you got me very very interested in trying this ?. Andi looks like a really nice guy to be around, you two are like the male and female version of the same character type, kinda like when you choose your stats in mmorpg and then can't decide whether to go for male or female character ?

 

 

[flume]

@fridjonk @RendHeaven @Michael569 Appreciating the feedback! 

On 17/03/2021 at 4:52 AM, RendHeaven said:

Is this Andi?

Andi is awesome in his own way. I've known him for many years and he's one of the most loving and non-judgmental people I've ever met. But no 

I couldn't sit still like that next to the man i love 

[flume]

The Kingdom of Heaven is like a grain of mustard seed, which a man took, and sowed in his field; which indeed is smaller than all seeds but when it is grown, it is greater than the herbs and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and lodge in its branches.

Matthew 13:31–32

[flume]

Picture of my first real hike earlier this year on a beautiful warm spring day. Look at this view: Snow tops, solitude and my best friend

Edited March 23, 2021 by flume

[flume]

If the picture quality wouldn't have to be so low on this freaking forum, that'd be great yeah!