mood

[Average Investor]

On 1/10/2021 at 2:00 PM, flume said:

I wanna talk to people about passion, music, personal development, new ways of spirituality, body work and ED struggles, organic farming, language, books I’m reading and just how I make sense of life. But not in the abstract, but in a fun, relatable way as someone who’s just sharing along the way. 

Just as much as I’m excited though, I’m also TERRIFIED. 

I have a similar purpose. Not the exact interests, but the same medium is what I am pretty sure I am aiming to do. I highly recommend that you do some toastmasters to really get a feel for it. However, just making videos is a good way to go too. 

One thing I have considered for videos if filming 6 months worth of stuff, then start posting it and using it to stay consistent and make a schedule that allows the most creativity with breaks. Something I had not thought of previously. That would have made a large difference in me still uploading. Distractions and uncertain choices are a killer though. 

 

That trip report was solid. I've pondered a lot of typical relationships. I seem to be finding more joy by myself now more than ever though. The desire piece of it seems to come and go. 

Makes me want to trip again, but it seems like I go to hell and back the months following lol. I think a proper integration period makes the most difference for it. 

[RendHeaven]

@Average Investor +1 from me on "similar purpose"

Toastmasters is a decent idea, but I tried it once and decided it's not for me. It's very formal and business-like. Laughter and flow is not taught/encouraged. Youtube videos seems to be 100% the way to go no matter how I look at it...

[Average Investor]

@RendHeaven No doubt there is a lot of issues with Toastmasters. A lot of strict procedures, that really are not helpful to newbies. A lot of the people who are helping you are armatures as well, which can actually not be helpful at all. 

I have been looking into paying into a group that has public speaking champions etc in it. 

[flume]

Let’s talk about relationships for a minute. (I wrote most of this 2 weeks ago)

I’ve recently wrote down the name of every single man I’ve been in a relationship or longer encounter with and reflected on 2 things:

• What I loved about them/ What made me attracted to them
• What I’m thankful for learning in this relationship

It’s a pretty awesome exercise, I totally recommend it. Feels like closure. Very cleansing indeed.

There aren’t really any common threads I found. All these men were completely different from one another. The only commonality I found is that it always ends the same way. It’s difficult to explain but I’ll try anyways: 

I’m always going deep into a relationship pretty quickly. I’m terrible at casual dating, I don’t even know how I’d do that. Actually, I’m terrible at casual-anything. I don’t do things casually

So anyways, after spending some (intense) time with me, men tend to have some kind of huge epiphany about their lives. It’s always a different kind of insight but it’s clear to them that “something in my life has to drastically change”. And they do. It’s usually clear to me pretty quickly that I’m not gonna be part of this new life. It’s not a decision I make, more of a feeling that my job is done here, and this is where we’re meant to separate. Super weird mechanism.

I’m not consciously doing any of this though. I never set out to change someone. I’m just a regular girl going on a date. Anyways….

On my side, I’m just leaving the relationship feeling basically the same as before. I thought about empathy the other day and that maybe I don’t have any. Is it leftovers of avoidant attachment that make me feel just fine whenever a relationship ends? I don’t know.

So after taking a few shots to get involved with men over the past year it just felt like life was telling me loud and clear: “It’s not the time to be in a relationship right now” 

There’s also this realisation that a normal relationship just doesn’t work for me. It gets mundane so quickly and you start taking each other for granted. I always feel like I loose myself in these relationships, like we’re melting into one. But that’s not actually what I want. I want to be me and I want you to be you. I want people to live their individuality, to fully know who they are. When I look around at couples in my life, that’s not what I see and I don’t envy them for their “bonds”.

It’s funny how people always say long distance relationships are the worst. I’m thinking that maybe it wouldn’t be terrible at all: You consciously decide when you see each other, you appreciate the time you spend together, you have enough time by yourself. 

Wow, do I sound like an avoidant ice block writing all of this?

I just feel like projections are a given when people spend all their time together. I notice that in me. I turn into an emotional cocktail and suddenly expect guys I’m with to fix all my stuff. Which is ridiculous, I’m doing life fine when I’m single. It’s like I forget to appreciate people for who they are when we spend too much time together. Same with friends and family. I turn them into “objects”, only seeing how they could benefit me… And it feels terrible to be honest.

I’d lie if I’d say I don’t long for a man in my life sometimes. I totally do. But not just any man. I want someone who isn’t afraid to lead, to put me into place when I’m getting hung up on some bs, someone that can take care of his life without me fine and someone who still desires and appreciates me endlessly even though he doesn’t need me. That’s what I’d call a relationship: Freely choosing to be with one another, time and time again, for the ecstasy of being together, not for stilling some kind of hunger. I just want someone whose integrity I can respect and to whom I in turn naturally surrender… (And be off to write you a thousand love songs like Lana Del Rey).

Haha, I just realised it’s valentine’s day today. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling all girly and drawn to put my thoughts together on this topic today. Love is so much fun. Not like I really care about valentine’s day but I unexpectedly got some chocolate. How’s that for a nice surprise

[RendHeaven]

11 hours ago, flume said:

There’s also this realisation that a normal relationship just doesn’t work for me. It gets mundane so quickly and you start taking each other for granted. I always feel like I loose myself in these relationships, like we’re melting into one. But that’s not actually what I want. I want to be me and I want you to be you. I want people to live their individuality, to fully know who they are. When I look around at couples in my life, that’s not what I see and I don’t envy them for their “bonds”.

It’s funny how people always say long distance relationships are the worst. I’m thinking that maybe it wouldn’t be terrible at all: You consciously decide when you see each other, you appreciate the time you spend together, you have enough time by yourself. 

Would you say that a man who recognizes this is a superior lover (to one who doesn't)?

[flume]

Shallow thinking is a result of shallow breathing.

[Maha]

On 14‏/2‏/2021 at 6:59 PM, flume said:

Let’s talk about relationships for a minute. (I wrote most of this 2 weeks ago)

I’ve recently wrote down the name of every single man I’ve been in a relationship or longer encounter with and reflected on 2 things:

• What I loved about them/ What made me attracted to them
• What I’m thankful for learning in this relationship

It’s a pretty awesome exercise, I totally recommend it. Feels like closure. Very cleansing indeed.

There aren’t really any common threads I found. All these men were completely different from one another. The only commonality I found is that it always ends the same way. It’s difficult to explain but I’ll try anyways: 

I’m always going deep into a relationship pretty quickly. I’m terrible at casual dating, I don’t even know how I’d do that. Actually, I’m terrible at casual-anything. I don’t do things casually

So anyways, after spending some (intense) time with me, men tend to have some kind of huge epiphany about their lives. It’s always a different kind of insight but it’s clear to them that “something in my life has to drastically change”. And they do. It’s usually clear to me pretty quickly that I’m not gonna be part of this new life. It’s not a decision I make, more of a feeling that my job is done here, and this is where we’re meant to separate. Super weird mechanism.

I’m not consciously doing any of this though. I never set out to change someone. I’m just a regular girl going on a date. Anyways….

On my side, I’m just leaving the relationship feeling basically the same as before. I thought about empathy the other day and that maybe I don’t have any. Is it leftovers of avoidant attachment that make me feel just fine whenever a relationship ends? I don’t know.

So after taking a few shots to get involved with men over the past year it just felt like life was telling me loud and clear: “It’s not the time to be in a relationship right now” 

There’s also this realisation that a normal relationship just doesn’t work for me. It gets mundane so quickly and you start taking each other for granted. I always feel like I loose myself in these relationships, like we’re melting into one. But that’s not actually what I want. I want to be me and I want you to be you. I want people to live their individuality, to fully know who they are. When I look around at couples in my life, that’s not what I see and I don’t envy them for their “bonds”.

It’s funny how people always say long distance relationships are the worst. I’m thinking that maybe it wouldn’t be terrible at all: You consciously decide when you see each other, you appreciate the time you spend together, you have enough time by yourself. 

Wow, do I sound like an avoidant ice block writing all of this?

I just feel like projections are a given when people spend all their time together. I notice that in me. I turn into an emotional cocktail and suddenly expect guys I’m with to fix all my stuff. Which is ridiculous, I’m doing life fine when I’m single. It’s like I forget to appreciate people for who they are when we spend too much time together. Same with friends and family. I turn them into “objects”, only seeing how they could benefit me… And it feels terrible to be honest.

I’d lie if I’d say I don’t long for a man in my life sometimes. I totally do. But not just any man. I want someone who isn’t afraid to lead, to put me into place when I’m getting hung up on some bs, someone that can take care of his life without me fine and someone who still desires and appreciates me endlessly even though he doesn’t need me. That’s what I’d call a relationship: Freely choosing to be with one another, time and time again, for the ecstasy of being together, not for stilling some kind of hunger. I just want someone whose integrity I can respect and to whom I in turn naturally surrender… (And be off to write you a thousand love songs like Lana Del Rey).

Haha, I just realised it’s valentine’s day today. Maybe that’s why I’m feeling all girly and drawn to put my thoughts together on this topic today. Love is so much fun. Not like I really care about valentine’s day but I unexpectedly got some chocolate. How’s that for a nice surprise

@flume  What an interesting read! I feel like this was meant for me to read today. I was thinking just now bout "individuality", and whether this way of living is the best or not, and decided to enter actualized.org and search "individuality" and found your post!  The interesting thing is that i know someone who feels similar to this "no-hard-feelings-after-a-breakup" kinda mood, and i really respect that and find it a super power, and they clearly do not get attached to people, means, if you are in you are in, and if you are not, what can we do?! ; however, it also made me think: why do we get attached to people? and how do we get attached? is it healthy? how can we love someone and not get attached to them? is that too healthy? how can we love someone and get attached to them? is it healthy? - so many questions i have and it lead me to the understanding of "individuality"! is individuality brutal? and by individuality here i mean when it becomes a norm that one should live alone, no family, no partner, "just sex" kind of life. Then why do we need marriage? or relationships? i think the answer is because these relationships create a soulful meaning of "being together" and the feel of someone who carries interest for you and with you along the way, and the idea of that building up day after day. I still think some kind of attachment should be there. I think that is love.

[flume]

Aw, I really love how many people are reading and participating in my journal. Love having your input here guys

@Average Investor I'm just now in the process of reviving my old channel. Way at the beginning so to say. I filmed loads of things and am now realising I don't have a microphone that captures music properly and my storage is also completely full so I can't even get all that footage onto my laptop. Quite nerve wrecking  The good thing is that I'm in no hurry at all. I'm also meeting up with a friend who's super good at editing, so he'll be able to help me out.

Cool that toast masters helped you with your skills. Wouldn't be for me though... I'm not really aiming to do "sit down and chat" videos where things I say need to make chronological sense. What I wanna put out there is more poetical I guess. And that's a different kind of process.

On 15/02/2021 at 4:02 AM, RendHeaven said:

Would you say that a man who recognizes this is a superior lover (to one who doesn't)?

Nah. That kind of thinking doesn't really resonate. It's more a question of compatibility I guess. Finding someone who's thinking in a similar direction and then carving a new path

 

@Maha So nice to have you here, thanks for reading!

It's a tricky topic indeed. I've looked a lot into attachment styles and definitely was kind of avoidant in the past. Not too bad, but a tendency. So what you call a "strength" is a bit of a grey area. Part of why it's easy for these people to let go might be because they aren't actually able to open up to someone in the first place. They keep their guard up at all times.

I think, in the ultimate sense, not being attached to someone is the only way of truly loving someone. It's like saying I love you for who you are, not for what you bring to me. I like how M. Scott Peck defines love as "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth". If we could bring this definition into focus, a sort of growth mindset to serve each others evolution, that would be much different from relationships I've known so far.

While I'm not pushing the individuality thing onto anybody (just reflecting for myself here), I do think it'd be healthy for people to get a sense of who they are independently from romantic relationships. I just see so many couples around me that derive much of their identity from another person. And I feel it's clouding their vision on whether this relationship actually still makes sense.

I also think that deciding on marriage, kids, or "just sex" is independent of the above. There can be attachment/ growth/ love in all these things but there doesn't have to. 

I like Khalil Gibrans perspective as usual

[flume]

I’m mostly just flowing through my days these weeks. Carefree, doing whatever I want to do, enjoying the **** out of this life. 

Still, a few times a day my old to-do list pops up in my head and I go through all the points I used to “have to” do daily. (Seriously thinking about posting one of my crazy af habit trackers here for reference. It was wild ) I go over them rapidly and check in my mind which of these things I’ve done. Something like “meditation-check, yoga-check, workout-check, cold shower-check, journaling-check, reading-NO CHECK —omg!! I really should still read today.” LOL. Like I can’t trust myself to do the things that are right for me. Like something terrible will happen if I don’t micromanage myself 24/7. 

Not hating on habit trackers or anything btw. This approach has helped me a lot in the past and it might come back in some form or another, but I just need to find out who I am beyond that rigidity and self judgment for now…

I’m quite happy to say that these thoughts become less though. I mostly just notice how tight they feel in my belly and I simply breathe through them. 

_______________

Sort of related, I really wanna share this video here. This is possibly the most important piece of content I ever consumed. Out of all the books, articles, videos, conversations, trips and other kind of knowledge I somehow gathered… If I could only give one advice to people it would be this.

I watched this video for the first time 6 months ago, since then probably a handful of times. Something just clicked so deeply and I’m continuously changing into a completely different person since then. Everything became so simple all of a sudden…

98% of my problems are solved by slowing down, simplifying my life and relaxing.

If you think enlightenment is going to leave you relaxed and open, why not go there now by leaving behind everything that leaves you unrelaxed and closed down? Your body knows best.

[Maha]

@flume Thank you for your reply! what a lovely poem.

[Average Investor]

@flume If you make a video share it in the journal sometime. I will check it out. 

[flume]

Silence
Desolation
Deliberately known

What is it for you to live?
Your chosen, eternal throne?

Edited February 20, 2021 by flume

[flume]

Speaking up

I don't really want to talk about work too much on here, but something interesting happened yesterday which I can share without too many details.

I got into a disagreement with some co-workers and realised once again how this project is so dear to my heart. I just want the best for this place. So when they tried making a change that goes in a totally wrong direction (imo), I felt like my baby is on the chopping block. It made me fierce and stand up for myself like never before. I couldn't believe that I was not giving in even when things got very uncomfortable.

You know, that attitude of “don’t take it personally”? For me it flipped yesterday. I took the entire discussion incredibly personally, which is a funny loop that turns in on itself in the end. I walk away unharmed because I was going "all in". I used to be so afraid of commitment, even the commitment to an opinion. I thought that that was "attachment" that created suffering. But honestly, always having one foot in and one out in everything I do created way more suffering.

It’s funny how, when I started working, I just wanted to be liked by everyone. That was my number one goal. To not feel division in anyway by being nice and relatable. Right now, I couldn’t care less.

I wasn't mean or anything, I just stated my truth. This is totally normal for so many people. For me, this is huge. I'm so sensitive to people's moods and worked tirelessly to make everyone happy. This resulted in me coming home totally overwhelmed a lot of the time.

That's no longer the case though... A lot has changed this past year. And I'm liking it.

Haha, it’s always very interesting who I become around full moon  

[flume]

3-2-1 Shadow work, self judgment and body image stuff

I ate quite a lot of sweets the past days. I was really worked up and ended up mindlessly eating. I only do that when I’m stressed. If you ever see me eating chocolate, I’m almost certainly stressed.

Of course, the old wave of self judgment tried to grab hold of me. It’s not as intense as it used to be. It’s maybe 30% of that, which is still enough. 

I used to punish myself with endless workouts and restricting my eating after something like this happened. I viewed myself like a piece of crap if I couldn’t adhere to my ridiculous eating standards. I endlessly checked my body in the mirror, I hid inside for days, then I hated myself even more because I couldn’t throw up. Me feeling terrible/ unattractive in my body controlled so much of my life in the past: I didn't go on vacations, I didn’t go swimming in the summer, I cancelled dates and relationships with (potentially great) guys, I never released anything creative, I thought my opinion is less important…

All that because I was so ashamed of what I looked like. When people told me I looked pretty I just didn’t believe them. I don’t know how I survived this. Tearing up a little just writing this.

So hi there darkness, my old friend. I know we’re not done.

Let’s see if some Ken Wilber X Matt Kahn can tell me more about this situation today. Time to take a deep breath and work with what’s coming up.

“Dear self-judgment, whenever you come up I feel totally helpless. You’re so powerful, you take over my entire reality. This tells me there’s still something very important to learn here. And I thank you for being here. Even if I can’t see how, I know you’re only here to help me grow.

I know you’re in a lot of pain. I see you. 

(crying pause)

I used so many ridiculous techniques to get rid of you, but I never listened to what you had to say. Of course you didn’t go away!

So here I am. I see you, I acknowledge you. What would you like me to do?”

“Stay with the intensity of it”

“I’m not sure I’m doing it right”

“You are. Just relax your body and open your mind.”

“I’m so afraid to let you in.”

“I’ll be orbiting your field forever if you don’t let me in. I want you to become me.

 

….

 

So… How does it feel to be me?”

“Mysterious. Dynamic. Decisive.”

“Who do you, self judgment, visit?”

“People that think they have their life together. The more certain they are about things, the more I disturb them.”

“Why?”

“To make them see beyond their limited view of things.”

“So what do people do that don’t struggle with self judgment?”

“They’re truly humble.”

 

“Why do you keep visiting me?”

“To show you that your views aren’t correct.”

“Which views for example?”

“That your way is the best way to live.”

 

“What do you want me to learn?”

“Hold your opinions lightly.”

“How do I balance that with being decisive in everyday life?”

“It’s the same thing.”

 

*MINDFUCK*

 

“So why did you visit me today?”

“Because you still doubted that going with your gut was the right decision.”

“Don’t I turn into an inconsiderate asshole if I insist on my opinion so much?”

“You don’t insist. You just accept your opinions for what they are right now. 100%”

 

“How do I practically solve this at work?”

“I give myself the right to be a regular person just like everyone else. I’m not special. I don’t have to have it all figured out. I have the right to change my mind along the way. I have the right to be wrong. I can’t assist people in their development when I don’t allow myself the same process.”

*Intense belly ache*

“So, when I mindlessly eat chocolate, it’s because…”

“I’m running away from my own greatness.”

“How so?”

“By denying myself the greatest gift in existence: To change your mind… To learn… By thinking I should be ‘there’ already. Which is the equivalent of death. You haven’t fully understood why you’re here yet.”

 

“Why am I here?”

“To experience things that are way outside the scope of your imagination. And you’ll only get there by leaping into the unknown. Again and again. You haven’t fully realised what ‘development’ really is. You think you do, but you’re just fighting for what you imagine you want to be like. But what you’re becoming is never something you could envision. You can’t imagine it. And going for it anyways, that’s what development really is."

“So that’s why I’m doubting and shaming myself?”

“Yes. You’re standing in the way of your own growth. That always hurts.”

“Thank you. Will you please come back in case I ever forget that?”

“Yes.”

[flume]

So I finished editing an 8 minute vlog last night.

Just wanted to make a few volume adjustments and add titles this morning. All ready to upload.

Then the editor froze on me and I had to quit the program.

Now 70% of the editing process is gone. Just gone. Nowhere to be found.

[flume]

Here it is 

 

[RendHeaven]

Dear god the production value is insane for a first video!

I never felt the urge to click off or skip around (which is a common feeling I get watching new creators)

Well done.

The overlapping piano was gorgeous. Added bittersweet undertones which I found enthralling.

Were those original improv melodies? Or is it something that you've been practicing for a while?

Edited March 1, 2021 by RendHeaven

[flume]

@RendHeaven Thanks so much! Appreciate the feedback and glad you liked it 

Yeah, if I keep doing the videos I really want my own music to be part of it. I'm actually quite good at playing the piano but terrible at playing/recognising chords. Music theory just never stuck with me. So I'm trying to slowly learn by looking up chords and experimenting with them. I wanted something super simple to begin with as I was a bit nervous and had to somehow hold the camera in the beginning as well So this was a try out. I played around with the chords a few minutes before recording this.

[flume]

Had a little cry this afternoon. I played piano for 4 or 5 hours, worked on a really difficult piece by Chopin. When I was playing it I had a moment where I “dropped through”, I just saw my hands playing but it was like I wasn’t doing anything, just witnessing. I couldn’t believe I’m playing this piece!!! It all seemed so unreal. It’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard and here I am, playing it just fine. 

If I’m honest with myself in these moments, I have to say, I have the most beautiful life ever. All the things I envisioned for myself when I was a teenager are here now. Including me, in my wonderful apartment, on a day with nothing planned, playing this piece on my piano. This life is unreal. Love and gratitude fill my heart.

[Average Investor]

@flume Wow, you are really creative. That was really high production quality! Seems like you have a solid routine. I like Adriene too!

Definitely, seems like a positive way to create and grow. Talking to the camera gets a lot easier over time too. I assume you have a nice dslr camera? It seems like it from the quality of the focus etc.