mood

[flume]

There are a few things I don't want to live without. The New Year's Concert is one of them. Even though seeing it without an audience this year really made my heart drop. Aww... Seeing this makes me so happy to be from Austria 

 

[flume]

The year 2020 has unintentionally been under the theme of self-love. I had a very intense trip in the beginning of the year that has kind of foreshadowed what would happen in this year of my life. I feel like I’ve needed all this time to really integrate and grasp the depth of what was revealed to me and to really live it. Inevitably, slowly and humbly, I learned how to relate to myself, rely on my feelings and let what feels good and true in my body be my guide. I now feel so much more self reliant and confident.

Now with this foundation, I feel ready to take this further and really integrate back into the body. My forever struggle of not feeling grounded in my body and being unable to accept it is gently coming to an end.

Here’s a few things I’ll do this year to aid me in that:

• Continue doing yoga everyday
• Do Ralstons e-course on effective body being (Or, depending on my financial situation read “Zen Body Being” and “The principles of effortless power” at the very least and apply the principles)
• Keep focusing on deep breathing and relaxation
• Find out more about body symmetry (have a little experiment coming up)
• Extend my fasts, fast more regularly and do more research on the topic. (And by research I mean asking @Michael569 a bunch of questions and not researching anything myself )
• Hopefully extend my time working in the garden
• Get into more different styles of dancing

I’m not interested in jerking myself around anymore though, so none of these are goals. Setting an intention feels better now and I’m more interested in what these processes will keep revealing

[Natasha]

@flume Happy New Year! Keep up the good work. Love and hugs XO

[flume]

Current (re-)reads

@Natasha How sweet of you! Right back at ya 

[flume]

Feierabend! (Why is there no word for that in English?) 

[flume]

Collapse of opposites

I’ve noticed that the distinctions between different “areas” of my life are getting real blurry over the past months. I used to section my life out into different categories like “spirituality”, “work”, “knowledge”, “relationships”, etc. And maybe there was value in doing that. It got me started and helped me stay on track.

Now though, these things start to merge. It started with work first… The difference between work and home just wasn’t so noticeable anymore. I’m not in a hurry to get away from either one. Then mediation started to slip into my life. The lines just started vanishing: Am I driving, or meditating? Am I sleeping, visioning, doing shadow work or mediating? Am I meeting up with friends or taking care of my body? Am I tripping, philosophising,…? And so it goes with all my life. I’m just not able to keep track of the categories anymore. It also doesn’t feel right anymore.

There’s still some lowkey anxiety about dropping my formal meditation habit after all these years. Like I’m taking a step back, being weak, being ignorant. But it’s not like I can do anything about it really… My body just screams no when I’m trying to sit down.

It’s wild how something that is so useful in one stage can be totally destructive in another. Much in awe of life’s many layered realities…

At the same time, I never meditated so little and was so sucked into presence on a regular basis Things are shifting. So I guess it’s time to change. Yet again…

It’s a messy and confusing process though; I don’t wanna pretend like it’s all easy. I have plenty of days where I feel unfocused when reading, not present when eating, hyper busy in my head, agitated at work, etc. But presence infuses my life more and more. It feels like, at some point, I just let go and (as Ken Wilber so perfectly said) “At some point the practises start doing you.” Perfect way of describing what’s happening.

Gosh, I can’t believe my life sometimes. I love it so much!!! The direction it’s going is very exciting and I can’t believe how amazing I feel on a daily basis compared to just a couple of years ago. It’s really easy to just focus on the problems and never look back to where we came from… 

This sort of segues into my life purpose…

Life purpose

The further I get into the LP course, the more clear it becomes that I totally wanna share my journey on a more personal level with people, probably through youtube videos or something. I know it’s a much used medium but that’s not really important. It doesn’t even matter whether it’ll be successful or not, I wanna keep my current work place anyways. But the thought of it excites me. I have so many ideas on what to talk about that it keeps me up half the night sometimes I have so many cool things, ideas and projects coming up… And I don't want to keep it all to myself anymore.

I wanna talk to people about passion, music, personal development, new ways of spirituality, body work and ED struggles, organic farming, language, books I’m reading and just how I make sense of life. But not in the abstract, but in a fun, relatable way as someone who’s just sharing along the way. 

Just as much as I’m excited though, I’m also TERRIFIED. 

The further along I get in the course, the more I slow down because every step I take makes this more real. The inevitable moment of publishing something for the first time scares me to death to be honest. Phew… 

[Michael569]

15 hours ago, flume said:

The further along I get in the course, the more I slow down because every step I take makes this more real. The inevitable moment of publishing something for the first time scares me to death to be honest. Phew… 

I honestly can't wait to hear/read more about this part of your journey. You have a beautiful life purpose and SO MUCH to offer to the world. I hope you won't hold back because the world would lose a lot from what you have to say/share/create. 

Loved this update. 

 

[flume]

On 21/10/2020 at 11:04 PM, flume said:

"The eye  is the first circle; the horizon which it forms is the second; and throughout nature this primary figure is repeated without end. It is the highest emblem in the cipher of the world. St. Augustine  described the nature of God as a circle whose centre was everywhere, and its circumference nowhere.  We are all our lifetime reading the copious sense of this first of forms. One moral we have already deduced, in considering the circular  or compensatory character of every human action. Another analogy we shall now trace; that every action admits of being outdone. Our life is an apprenticeship to the truth, that around every circle another can be drawn; that there is no end in nature, but every end is a beginning; that there is always another dawn risen on mid-noon, and under every deep a lower deep opens."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

The end of this essay (Circles) is so damn beautiful as well:

"The one thing which we seek with insatiable desire is to forget ourselves, to be surprised out of our propriety, to lose our sempiternal memory and to do something without knowing why; in short to draw a new circle.

Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm. The way of life is wonderful; it is by abandonment. The great moments of history are the facilities of performance through the strength of ideas, as the works of genius and religion. "A man", said Oliver Cromwell, "never rises so high as when he know not whither he is going.

Dreams of drunkenness, the use of opium and alcohol are the semblance and counterfeit of this oracular genius, and hence their dangerous attraction to men. For the like reason they ask the aid of wild passions, as in gaming and war, to ape in some manner these flames and generosities of the heart."

[flume]

Trip report

I took LSD the other day with the intention to just have a chill day. Do my usual stuff and all. And then BOOM, that acid hit so hard again. 1/4 tab and I was gone. Out there, once again. I really don’t know why I'm so sensitive to this stuff. Well, some interesting stuff happened

(Much open mindedness required to read this)

I had some minor insights at first which I can’t even really remember. I realised once again that healing your body completely means death. That’s why people resist health so much. Even the people that find it important can’t get there all the way because it would mean suicide - your mission is completed so to say. I also saw how, funnily enough, people get so old because they’re so sick (not because they’re healthy)!! Crazy stuff!

Then the sexual part of the trip started. That was a first on psychedelics for me. I was laying on the floor and started masturbating. The acid really did it’s thing there with me. I got into some usual fantasies letting myself go completely in the arms of a strong man. I could really get into the archetypal experience of masculinity and femininity, sort of switching between the two. When I got closer to climaxing, suddenly the polarities shifted and I realised how the feminine is actually a warm, receiving, calm ocean that is holding space for the masculine to rage. That’s literally how it felt, like a safe space where a man can, for once, let go of his limitation, get all that anger and restriction out in a climax. And I wanted nothing more than to be there for that. The “unloading” was not in an abusive way, it felt incredibly healing and necessary. Like that’s what we’re here for…

Then, after climax, the energy was completely different. Still experiencing both masculine and feminine at the same time, I noticed how and orgasm really opens up a very vulnerable space… It’s like laying your emotional body bare in this haze of relaxation and release. And I realised: The most important part of sex is actually when the sex is over! Like a surgeon, that wouldn’t just cut you open and then leave you there, it’s incredibly painful to just walk away after an orgasm or do nothing with the space that just opened up. It’s so vulnerable, so innocent, the core of who we are.

So there we have the chance to actually go into real intimacy, but people rarely do. If this space is neglected for long enough, a child starts to materialise between those two people in order to force them to work on their intimacy. If you work things out by yourself, no child will be born (Still just talking from the trips perspective, not claiming truths here). So children are just a couples way of working on their relationship. It forces them to focus on one another, to face themselves and thereby grow. Their relationship gets triangulated in a sense. I suddenly saw all the webs and connections in my family, how me and my siblings are my parents way of clarifying their relationship and how much they needed us for that. That’s also why it’s difficult for them to let us go once we grow up.

I then went through the life of a child in the womb of her mother and experienced how safe and warm it feels to be in there. I didn’t experience birth, but being a very small child and how beautiful it is to just lay on the ground for hours. Out of pure joy and a lust for life, I felt the urge to learn how to crawl. What an incredible feeling!! I really struggled at first but I enjoyed every minute of it. Being allowed the space to do something like this by myself was the most beautiful experience. Just connecting to “real me” on the living room floor again, I noticed the smell of the blanket I’m laying on. Then it hit me: This is actually the blanket I learned how to crawl on when I was a baby!! Now I know why I love it so much and why I never wash it. It’s just my favourite. I looked up pictures later that actually confirmed my insight. It’s not the first time I have these flashbacks to being a baby on LSD. I never really intend for them to happen but it’s always very intense.

Then, out of nowhere, the message came: “But there’s a different way.” And I saw how I was Maria, the mother of Jesus and her life preparing to give birth to the son of God. “The other way”, meaning that a child doesn’t have to be born out of compensation but can be directly God-given. What it must have meant for her to live through that destiny, how she had to grow herself, how she was completely alone in her life, yet more carried by the universe than anyone would have recognised. The original meaning of faith, the knowing, that God is coming into the world, that salvation is here, and she is the one to carry it inside of her.

I saw so many connections between her life and mine. In fact, my life was hers. I’m living this story, 2000 years later, feeling exactly as she did: This might sound cheesy, but I have this deep trust that things are going well. A “knowing” that the future will be good and also the knowing that I have a part in bringing this to the world. I always had that. My life’s just a search for the right spot to “birth this thing”. Whatever this is. In the story it was a child but sometimes that just seemed metaphorical. My path of “personal development” now is just the modern version of what I did back then during nights in the cave, trying to grasp my role in all this and changing myself to fulfil my destiny. 

Her role in this is learning to be her own support and trusting existence to perform a miracle through her. “I don’t know how it’s possible, but all is well! I know it, because I carry it inside of me.” Maria is chosen for this, she has no choice in that way. Only when the child is on its way she gets informed. She’s unobstructed in the sense that she has no past lives or karma to clear and no other focus in her life. She has no previous knowledge and is pure of heart.

It’s very interesting, since I never had any connections with past lives. I actually feel like it’s my first time here and some psychics and friend confirmed that to me. I'm new here. That’s where my pure joy and energy is coming from- I have no reason not to trust life. So was Maria. She was innocent in the sense that she wasn’t carrying any burden. So she had time to grow into her role.

I also suddenly grasped why my values are the way they are: Independence, God/Truth, Solitude… I totally makes sense that I need a lot of space to work on this.

I then realised that I’ll never be in a traditional relationship with a man, that’s also why I’m having difficulty imagining this in my life. A man, like Josef, is needed, independent and selfless enough to support me in this birth, even though it’s not “his child”. I realised how that also must have been an incredibly difficult journey for him to make as well.

Ok wow, I know all this sounds crazy, but honestly that’s just what happened and the insights I’ve had.

It just so fits my life because I can’t see myself living this traditional life or really having children. On the other hand, in my dreams I often see myself having a boy. The trip told me that he’s gonna represent the second coming of messiah-hood. That a new area will dawn and the child will represent this change, just like Jesus did 2000 years ago. I only need a few people who can hold space for me enough to bring this miracle into existence.

I had a second orgasm, one of birthing this thing into existence. It wasn’t a physical birth, more of an energetic one, something that moved through me, it’s quite difficultly to explain. It took quite a long time and asked a big amount of energy. I knew all my life came down to this moment.

Then I slipped into the experience of the child, laying in the crib between mother and father, looking at them, acknowledging them but not being attached to them at all. The child of the universe, a living miracle. I also looked at him as his mother, knowing he is not mine, not being attached to him at all, we’re just part of the same, bigger plan.

So history basically evolves from one of these births to the next. It always means a leap in existence, and now is the second time this will happen in history. His name will be David, “God’s beloved”, the trip told me.

I’ve been tripping 6 hours at this point, not moving a lot, still on the floor. I was getting up to check the time and noticed how exhausted I was. I felt these experiences, more real then anything I could ever imagine and it was so much in such a short amount of time. Thinking about what just happened I wasn’t sure whether I’m on the biggest ego-trip ever or in the middle of a prophecy of the highest of all journeys. I then realised these things (selfishness and selflessness) are so closely together and it freaks me out a bit. I decided not to draw conclusions. I honestly had NO IDEA where all this came from. As I’ve said, no intention what so ever.

But I just couldn’t anymore at that point. I thought about calling a friend, but I didn’t and just had a nice stretch, danced a bit and came down slowly.

All I wrote down when coming down was “Stay humble and healthy”. Honestly, you just never know what’s coming your way so hold your opinions loosely. Also, all of this only makes sense in a healthy body. Such a nice theme that is coming back overall in my life lately: I just want to be healthy, that’s the most important thing I can do to myself.

Wow, this was honestly the most out there thing that ever happened to me I think.

[flume]

@Michael569  Much appreciated! 

[RendHeaven]

Woah..

[flume]

Wow, I’m feeling really foggy in my head since the trip. It’s difficult to focus or really get a hold on life these days. Good thing I’ve went through this often enough to know that it will pass. This year started on such a high in terms of creativity and ideas. Also loving my books lately, but since the trip I can barely touch them. Sleeping a lot and having many many dreams…

I’ve actually come back to breath - focused mediation these days. Seems to do me good. Just a few minutes at a time though. Still so funny how I’ve done this kind of meditation religiously for years and then it just turned from helpful to destructive in no time. Life with all it's funny turns Now I can slowly welcome it back into my life, bit by bit. 

Makes me think of this David Whyte poem:

“Find that far inward symmetry
To all outward appearances,
Apprentice yourself to yourself,
Begin to welcome back all you sent away,
Be a new annunciation,

Make yourself a door
Through which to be hospitable,
Even to the stranger in you”

[flume]

My relationship to negative emotions is changing so much lately. It really upset me for example when people where gossiping or just complaining about the same things over and over again at work. I’d have a million ideas on how to work through these things but they just insist on staying in their loop. 

I talked to my therapist about it and he said “Well, complaining about it might be their way of working through their problems?”. I did not want to hear that. It seemed completely backwards to me. 

Then one day I got home from work, totally overwhelmed by the overload of opinions, energies and interpersonal struggles going on there. Holding the same high standard to myself, I didn’t want to complain. I was super agitated though, I knew something had to get out and a friend of mine just kept poking me to tell him what’s up. I ended up having a good cry and letting it all out at once: How it feels to be there, all the things that bother me, how lost I felt, when it all started, a hundred different examples.

By doing all this, I actually came to the core of what was bothering me: I feel so blessed working there and believe in this project so much, I just want to affirm more of the things that are going well instead of always focusing on the problems. And I felt like there was no room for that. I thought people would see me as naive, ungrounded or whatever. Some silly positive thinking new ager, blablabla. But I can’t help but LOVE this freaking place. And I’m so done keeping that to myself.

A few days later I really got into shadow work for the first time. I found out that, what I’ve unexpectedly found this evening was a “golden shadow”. Wilber writes that these are shadows of our emergent capacities we have not yet owned. They are cast by our higher self and want to be lived by us. But sometimes our highest intelligence, intuition and capacities don’t fit our image of ourselves and so the urge stays suppressed. 

Really digging shadow work since then. The 3-2-1 process he describes is incredibly simple and I’ve found many disowned parts I could integrate. Awesome stuff.

Thank you also Matt Kahn for telling me over and over again to be a person, have an opinion, have feelings and commit to your experience! You know what, sometimes things really bother me… And that’s ok. As he always says, everything is here to help you and serves your greatest expansion. Why haven’t we learned how to relate to these things earlier!?

I also saw that good leadership at work is really only possible when you’re willing to go deeply into a problem, talk it through, look at it from every perspective and consider all the complaints so a new path can emerge. 

Good leadership is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. The nuance, intuition, strength and high level thinking required to solve complex problems is just so inspiring to see. Feels good to be around that. Maybe I’ll be doing this too someday… :-)

Since all this happened, I had a good chat with my boss, feel much more rooted and authentic at work and way less afraid to stand for my truth. 

[flume]

Finally...

I'm crossing the threshold
From the ordinary world
To the reveal of my heart

Undoubtedly...

That will for certain
Take the dead out of the sea
And the darkness from the arts

[flume]

Longingly awaiting spring

[flume]

Ditching the Life Purpose course

At this point, the approach is more of a hindrance than it is helpful. The first time I did the course I was super excited to dream about the future, section my day out in advance and really see where this is going. Now I’m just so damn happy about where things are at and I’m so in the flow at work, I just wanna let it unfold.

Some days I just want to read, others I just want to be still and stretch and meditate a lot, then I have some awesome ideas about writing, the I’m totally into music, in summer I spend all day in the garden, then I might spend days at work to figure out some new approach… But I do almost none of these things daily. And even putting them as a weekly “to-do” feels totally weird. In my case that’s unnecessary, artificial pressure. It really doesn’t work well for me. It’s just not necessary anymore. Maybe it’s an exploration kind of phase for me right now: I’m keeping my mind open to so many things, opinions, art forms, people, etc. But I’m also feeling on point purpose wise. It’s like I’m totally at the beginning and at the pinnacle of what I want to do at the same time.

I’m so in awe at the things that are coming to me everyday, either from the inside or the outside, I don’t wanna shut myself off to possibilities by “narrowing down” my focus to chip away at the same thing like a maniac.

I’m now at the point (in the course) of figuring out my zone of genius and I might just drop it all here. It’s not the time for a framework like that right now. I still worked through the question and my purpose would probably be something like “Follow what I authentically enjoy and thereby inspiring others to do the same.” Or: "Finding new, unique approaches and connections to help people live an overall balanced life”

But I just can’t continue. How should I come up with a vision? What do I want to put on my vision board? Honestly, nothing comes up. 

Even looking at my old one… It’s beautiful. But having a huge library? Living in a little house in the middle of nowhere? Publishing poetry? A super fit yoga body? A man to give my love to?

I’d not trade the life I have right now for any of these things. I wouldn’t trade my life for anything. And something inside of me feels like I shouldn’t say that online because we live in a society where being miserable is somehow fashionable… But that’s just the truth.

Sure it would be cool to afford a new car or a new instrument, sure it would be nice to have deeper knowledge on so many things, sure it would be cool to publish some things, do the splits, etc. And yes of course, there are still some unhelpful patterns to unravel… But there’s also beauty in letting those things come in time. No need to micro-manage things. The desperation is somehow gone.

A recent MDMA trip might play some part in this as well. I realised once again the absolute beauty of figuring life out by living it, showing up even when it’s hard, not having all the answers, not having a plan for everything and being open to life as it unfolds. Faith has taken the lead…

[flume]

Just had an idea for a "visual diary" for this journal  Might try that out soon!

[flume]

If ever there was a movie character I could relate to it’s Gale Boetticher. The kettle, the tea, the carpets, plants, instruments, the random music, perfectly singing along the lyrics, even the lights, random nerdy interests, being a health nut, the extreme introversion and a friendly sociable face that covers it all up just fine :-)

Better believe my evenings are like that.

 

[flume]

Had the urge to completely clean up my desk space today. It looked really nice and artsy before, I had all kind of quotes and pictures up on the wall… But now I just threw out everything that I don’t really need: Post cards, inspirational quotes, ideas for different projects, the me-sheet, book lists, to-do lists, to-buy lists, to-research lists, pictures, memories... I packed them away or threw them out. Even the Matt Kahn sheet I liked to look through every once in a while… Time to let that go.

There are also a couple of books that I can’t seem to get through, that just keep sitting on my to-read stack. I finally put them on my shelf. Ah… What a feeling. Now I don’t have to see them everyday and feel terrible for not reading them

I feel kind of naked sitting at my desk now. But it also feels good. Like I’m making room for something new, even though I don’t know yet what that new thing is.

[flume]

Hand over your heart, let's go home.