mood

[flume]

@RendHeaven Wow! What a dream Welcome to my journal. Always welcome to spam it with some good music

[flume]

"Winter, with its inwardness, is upon us. A man is constrained to sit down, and to think." (Journal of Henry David Thoreau)

[flume]

My approach to spirituality has changed drastically the past months.

Having discovered a more loving path for myself, it feels like I’m having an allergic reaction to concepts like: No-Self, jailbreak your mind, your ego is tricking you, disassociate from your thoughts, observing and micromanaging yourself all day… It really hurts me how people are picking themselves apart on the forum sometimes and endlessly judging themselves for having an ego.

It’s like saying: “Here’s a million things you do wrong everyday and hence why God is over there and you need to be super obsessive with your spiritual techniques to get there and until then you’re less than.” Like the all loving God set up some game and you have to fight yourself to get to God and then he’s gonna be pleased with you. Matt Kahn made a really good point once about not projecting parental qualities onto the universe/God. I think that’s a super crucial thing to think about. It’s the eternal problem of getting into spirituality before taking proper care of your life circumstances and issues. 

I mean… How loving is it to call yourself an idiot? It always strikes me as really odd when people preach love as the highest truth and go on intellectual debates about what love is and what it isn’t. Paralysed, whipping themselves into shape, feeling uptight and disassociated instead of turning love into a practice. I’m baffled, and at the same time I’m not. I’ve done it myself. Everything just shifted so radically that that approach seems like a different lifetime by now.

So my daily practise now is literally: I lay down, greet every sensation, thought and emotion with love and ask how it’s here to help me.  I respect what my mind tells me instead of insisting it to calm down. I love my mind, and I found out how helpful it is. Working for my benefit all day, and in turn I give it times of openness and relaxation. I just don’t overstimulate it. And if it’s calm, I meditate :-) Trying to keep up a special posture, state of mind or practise is far from my reality all of a sudden.

One truth I’ve always felt very deeply is: The only thing that matters about your insights is how much you demonstrate what you’ve learned in your life.

I’m lashing out a bit because I can’t believe I didn’t know how to love myself all this time. I had a good break down cry after finding out that after all of this “work on myself”, I still treated myself like my parents did: Only deserving of love when performing right, only feeling good about myself  when I’m following a certain schedule. 

And if you think Matt Kahn brainwashed me, you’re right ;-) But at least, I’m starting to really feel confident in myself for the first time. Or rather: The confidence I always carried inside is bold enough to spill into every domain of life. I’m more capable of really caring for others, having stable energy and resources to do the things I love, and bringing love into my creative work and relationships. There are still difficult days, but more and more, love is carrying me through.

Some part of me is still going crazy about letting go of my insane dedication and daily schedule. 

“You’re gonna loose all your progress and turn into an unconscious blob if you don’t keep up the practices!”

The other day I asked that thought what it wants from me and why it’s here. It answered, it just wants me to recognise how far this kind of thinking has gotten me. It’s really made me pull through on some pretty amazing stuff and made me build a life wherein I can relax now. It’s not true that this kind of rigorous meditation and scheduling didn’t do anything for me. It not right of me to dismiss all of that. So I won’t. Thank you. I could only get here by going through all of that. I can only trust myself like this because of the work I’ve done before, because my life is super calm and I mainly do and crave things that are healthy for me. This time was really necessary, and now it’s time to move on. :-)

My path has led me to follow love now, and love, I found out, is what feels good in the body. This is what it is now, and tomorrow my perspective is probably different. And that’s ok. I’m here for the change :-)

“There’s nothing wrong with spiritual techniques, but nothing can do what love can do.” Matt Kahn

[electroBeam]

1 hour ago, flume said:

“You’re gonna loose all your progress and turn into an unconscious blob if you don’t keep up the practices!”

Gonna turn into this :

1 hour ago, flume said:

The other day I asked that thought what it wants from me and why it’s here. It answered, it just wants me to recognise how far this kind of thinking has gotten me. It’s really made me pull through on some pretty amazing stuff and made me build a life wherein I can relax now. It’s not true that this kind of rigorous meditation and scheduling didn’t do anything for me. It not right of me to dismiss all of that. So I won’t. Thank you. I could only get here by going through all of that. I can only trust myself like this because of the work I’ve done before, because my life is super calm and I mainly do and crave things that are healthy for me. This time was really necessary, and now it’s time to move on. :-)

Very inspiring place to be, thanks for sharing 

1 hour ago, flume said:

Having discovered a more loving path for myself, it feels like I’m having an allergic reaction to concepts like: No-Self, jailbreak your mind, your ego is tricking you, disassociate from your thoughts, observing and micromanaging yourself all day… It really hurts me how people are picking themselves apart on the forum sometimes and endlessly judging themselves for having an ego.

Resonate with this a lot, thanks for sharing! Even an allergic reaction to knowing what the universe is, having awakenings that you can wear as a badge of honour, trying to get more insights. Your video you sent me privately nailed it on the head in the first 2 minutes, couldn't believe it. And then Matt Kahn nails it on the head further with other videos like the respecting the shadow once. Thanks so much for introducing me to him, admittedly didn't take his teachings seriously in the past.

1 hour ago, flume said:

And if you think Matt Kahn brainwashed me, you’re right ;-) But at least, I’m starting to really feel confident in myself for the first time. Or rather: The confidence I always carried inside is bold enough to spill into every domain of life. I’m more capable of really caring for others, having stable energy and resources to do the things I love, and bringing love into my creative work and relationships. There are still difficult days, but more and more, love is carrying me through.

+1 

1 hour ago, flume said:

I’m lashing out a bit because I can’t believe I didn’t know how to love myself all this time. I had a good break down cry after finding out that after all of this “work on myself”, I still treated myself like my parents did: Only deserving of love when performing right, only feeling good about myself  when I’m following a certain schedule. 

And if you think Matt Kahn brainwashed me, you’re right ;-) But at least, I’m starting to really feel confident in myself for the first time.

What makes it worse is 'the place' that all of our spiritual teachers are at sounds so good(a magical land with this cool thing called infinity, infinite love, strange loops, aliens or extra terrestrials, being a god, infinite happiness, freedom, liberation, on and on and on) and we try so hard to get there because we're such dedicated spiritual students... but you'll never get there, you'll never get all those things above, because all those things aren't pointing to different stuff, they are all pointing to the exact same thing, but calling it a different name. And the pointers really aren't pointing to that thing, they are a story just to motivate us to meditate. The actual thing has absolutely no relation to the pointers what so ever. The pointers were just there to burn us out and so we could realise they lied so we could forget the entire spiritual path and be happy with now.

 

Your post gave me a lot of clarity, really enjoyed it! Definitely will be quietly following along.

Edited November 3, 2020 by electroBeam

[flume]

On 11/3/2020 at 11:51 PM, electroBeam said:

Gonna turn into this

Me after 2 days without seated meditation

Yeah, you'll never get there. You'll only ever get here. And still it's worth the journey Welcome to my journal. Happy to have you here

[flume]

I used to have a massive habit tracker of 10-15 things to do everyday and I was quite rigorous with it. Now that doesn’t resonate so much anymore and I let go completely of any kind of to-do list for a while. Yet I still like to have an oversight of the things that are good for me. But just writing them down as a list didn’t seem very appealing either… So I’ve carried this idea of an inspiring to do list with me for weeks… I knew there was something forming in my head but I could never quite grasp it. Yesterday I was so relaxed and it suddenly just clicked. In a matter of 2 minutes this was on paper. Intuition just never lets me down 

I love how it has this kind of aliveness to it… Probably because it contains all fibonacci numbers Very pleased!

[Applegarden]

Hey, do you make music? Have you made some? Can I listen to it? =)

[flume]

@Applegarden I do, but I never recorded any of it professionally. If I do, I'll post it here

[Applegarden]

33 minutes ago, flume said:

@Applegarden I do, but I never recorded any of it professionally. If I do, I'll post it here

I would be very humbled if you did. =) Thanks.

[flume]

This lockdown has been an interesting experience. I’m off work for almost all of November because I had a meditation retreat, a non-duality workshop and a seminar planned that I was kind of looking forward to for a long time. Now all of that has been cancelled due to Corona (yey Corona!) and I’m just sitting at home with loads of time on my hands. But I actually don’t mind that at all I’m not really seeing people and I have lots of uninterrupted time for creative projects and contemplation. This made me realise, once again, how much I truly benefit from being by myself and doing things on my terms. Every time I feel stressed, overwhelmed or insecure it’s basically a signal for me to spend more down time alone.

I think my personality type is really made for lockdowns, I’m actually striving in this environment I’m very blessed to not really be effected by any of the (financial) consequences of the lockdown. My heart goes out to those that are!

For a minute I thought about just doing a retreat at home, but after thinking about it for some time I realised that that just isn’t me anymore. Yeah sure, I could’ve come up with a crazy schedule and restrictions just to prove to myself that I can do it… And then what? Feel great about myself if I succeed, and terrible if I don’t? Nah…

My life’s a bit retreat-like already anyways, so who cares. Somehow there’s just not that difference anymore between “spiritual” pursuits, creative ones, intellectual ones, family, work… The lines are becoming very blurry, which feels way better. A nice, organic transition to where it feels like my life is becoming one moving part.

One of the beautiful things about the lockdown is that so many people are spending time in nature, because nature can't be locked down I’ve had a wonderful hike with friends yesterday. Here’s a picture:

[flume]

Shadow work

I’ve actively communicated with my shadow for a couple of months now. Checking in with it almost everyday, acknowledging it, asking how I can show it respect and making sure I give it all the space it needs to just totally be itself with no judgment from my side. Nothing crazy, literally just talking to it. I did my best to build a relationship of respect with everything that is dark inside of me. (Check out video I posted earlier)

So the other day I met my shadow for real for the first time as I was laying down once again. I always feel my “dark” side as an extension of my body on the left side and behind my back. Like a 1- 2 meters extension of my body that builds an aura of dark flames. So this time it didn’t want acknowledgement from a distance, it wanted to burn and rage. I felt this intense, hot presence that really needed some room to express itself. 

I lovingly held space for this to happen as much as I could without getting overwhelmed. I got up at some point, but it took almost en entire day. It felt like I had a fever of some kind… I was fine throughout the experience though, I knew it had to happen and that this is the way to go.

Here’s the notes I tried taking in between:

"WISDOM OF THE SHADOW: SUPPRESSION CREATES MONSTERS

I’ll burn for all the times you made your thoughts and feelings less important for the sake of other people. And then you grew up and used spirituality to perpetuate the same pattern. Every time you “objectively observed” your feelings and emotions, as though you could just stay unengaged, observe and ignore them until they go away, they went right into your shadow. It’s like intentionally withholding love from a child that begs for your attention. Of course those thoughts go crazy then. Those things are here to help you. And you used spirituality to ignore yourself once again! It inflamed your entire being, it’s the cause of all of your agitation. You just went on calling yourself stupid, ignorant, egotistical… Like it’s a noble thing to push yourself down. This is the real meaning of inflammation. Meditation is supposed to be the opposite of denial. Yet you did exactly that. Not lovingly checking in with your experience, but trying to change all the things that just want your attention."

I don’t think it’s done burning, but I’m ready for it to come back whenever it wants to. Thank you for teaching me.

If I could translate the feeling into music, it’d probably be Bölzer: Dark, deep, blazing and devouring my entire being.

Inner calm, outer storm
My demons seeketh rest
Amidst cold, raging times
I am but a demon at best

[flume]

A sentence I live by lately:  

“Just don’t decide where it ends.”

[flume]

I recently thought about starting a YouTube channel and vlogging. What I sometimes really miss in the youtube space are people that are showing what the everyday life of someone who’s into personal and spiritual development, life purpose, etc. looks like. There’s loads of information about the ‘how’ and the ‘why’, but not much personal material, where you get to see into peoples lives: how they’re dealing with new ideas, routines, integrating insights, backlashes, their own psychologies, making decisions etc. That’s why I enjoy reading some journals here so much. It’s so relatable.

I bet I’d have loads of interesting things to say. I’ve come quite a long way in my development and more and more I feel the impulse to share these insights beyond my circle of friends. Off the top of my head I could come up with at least 20 different things I’d love to share… I’d probably never run out of material. I also love videography and I know a thing or two about editing. Could get interesting…

A part of me really cringes thinking about that though. Me going public? That’s never gonna happen. All my life I wanted nothing more than to be completely anonymous and not having anything linked to my name. I used to just orbit situations I found myself in, I never committed and stood up wholeheartedly for something outside of me. In fact, a big part of growing up for me is choosing to be “with life” all the way. Whether it’s a work place, a place to live or a relationship: Commitment was never easy or me. And yet, surprisingly, it’s become super fulfilling the past years to commit anyways and see where it goes. It’s way more pleasurable to live like this…. Having all your options open often just creates anxiety. I seemed to find a way to balance outer commitments with an inner autonomy that makes my life feel very spacious, even in the most 'confined' situations. 

[flume]

I’ve been progressively feeling better and better over the past year, which led me to becoming hyper creative and interested in music again. While that’s a good thing in general, it also makes that I’m all over the place sometimes. Creativity is such a beautiful, unpredictable, overwhelming force… I find it more and more difficult to stick to a schedule, which is sort of getting exhausting. Inspiration usually strikes like lightning, telling me exactly what to do. I sometimes don’t touch the piano for weeks, sometimes I play for an entire week. Same with so many things…

I also started dancing a few weeks ago. Ever since I was a kid I wanted to dance, but I (for some reason) always thought I was too old to start. Not sure if anything ever felt so fulfilling, honestly… Almost makes me cry. When I dance, I’m at the center of the universe. Makes my heart wanna jump out. How could I have not allowed myself to dance!? Talk about sneaky limiting believes…

So hobbies and projects are just stacking up it seems, not refining.

I decided on redoing the life purpose course, hoping it will help me sort some things out in this regard. Then again, maybe I’m constructing a problem where there isn’t any. It’s not like anyone is pressuring me to find my ‘one thing’. I think I have to grant myself some more years of exploration before that. Besides, I love my job, so I have no intention of getting out of there any time soon. Why not just do what I love in my free time and see if anything crystallises over time?

Maybe I don’t have to go about all this in such a masculine way. I totally agree with the LP course for example, but it seems to me that there’s a part of me that isn’t ready or made for... linear processes?

[RendHeaven]

On 11/19/2020 at 3:25 PM, flume said:

I recently thought about starting a YouTube channel and vlogging. What I sometimes really miss in the youtube space are people that are showing what the everyday life of someone who’s into personal and spiritual development, life purpose, etc. looks like. There’s loads of information about the ‘how’ and the ‘why’, but not much personal material, where you get to see into peoples lives: how they’re dealing with new ideas, routines, integrating insights, backlashes, their own psychologies, making decisions etc. That’s why I enjoy reading some journals here so much. It’s so relatable.

Me too 

1 hour ago, flume said:

Maybe I don’t have to go about all this in such a masculine way. I totally agree with the LP course for example, but it seems to me that there’s a part of me that isn’t ready or made for... linear processes?

Life Purpose (in the way we talk about it on this forum) is overwhelmingly masculine, I feel.

Perfect for me! I foam at the mouth thinking about Life Purpose the way we've been taught by Leo (Mastery, 1000% commitment, World-Class, etc.)

For others though, I imagine Life Purpose can look far more modest and carefree.

If your heart tells you that expressiveness and exploration are more fulfilling than narrow specialization and absolute command of your craft, listen to that!

[Applegarden]

2 hours ago, flume said:

I’ve been progressively feeling better and better over the past year, which led me to becoming hyper creative and interested in music again.

Good, I am very happy to hear, I would like to encourage you to do so. Maybe some of my not so good stuff will inspire you to smash the shit out of those keys.

My not so great playing something that resambles something close to a piano.

Here is a fragment of composition I composed on musescore, back in 2017.  Very chaotic, has element of serialism, yes it is microtonal.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1s-rjLJewuTaoBjAX7Ls1LYl_0-Ehov4g/view?usp=sharing

Something that I like to listen as it resambles a completely different motives of what music does and is very far from resambling clinging to minor-major tonal harmony. for some reason I don't listen to classical music like at all, I have a bad association to it to be completely honest altho it is one of the best musical traditions of the world. 

This piece is very good, intricate, complex piece that almost sounds like neo-jazz-fusion or something, something like the next thing.

GOOD LUCK ON YOUR MUSICAL JOURNEY FROM ALL MY HEART!

[flume]

Random insights as of lately:

Time

Time is what happens between two moments of being present in the now. That’s why enlightened teacher can say that time doesn’t exist. For them it really doesn’t. But what they’re actually saying is that being present doesn’t end for them. They don’t fall into time because they don’t fall out of the now.

States Of Consciousness

There are no different states of consciousness. All of our suffering comes from the misconception that another state would be possible for us right now. We’re comparing how we’re feeling now to how we’ve felt at another moment… But have you ever questioned the validity of just fragmenting reality into pieces like that? In order to compare, we have to segment the stream of consciousness, draw a rather artificial line to say: “In that moment, that began here and ended there I felt different than right now (which began 5 minutes ago and ends 1 minute from now)”. How weird is that? Who’s to say how long these states we’re describing get to be? It’s a really funny game we’re playing with ourselves. If you watch closely, you can even feel how “off” it feels in your body to make these comparisons.

I think that’s also why I feel so weird when someone asks me “How are you?” (@Nahm) The question somehow never made sense. Now I know why. I was always so thrown for a loop and thought “…When??” Do you mean a minute ago or the past week? Where do you want me to draw the line? And even when you’re talking about the present, the moment I talk about it, it’s gone. Where do you want me to cut reality into pieces? And why?

___________________

@RendHeaven @Applegarden Thanks guys! Love having your perspectives on these things Sending you all the love!

That ravel piece looks like such a pain to learn btw, omg! Sweating just seeing all of these #s and bs

Also you can really see that you're in your element when you get to make and talk about music @Applegarden Such a delight! 

[Nahm]

[flume]

We are the music makers
We are the dreamers of dreams
Wandering by lone sea-breakers
And sitting by desolate streams
World-losers and world-forsakers
Upon whom the pale moon gleams
Yet we are the movers and the shakers
Of the world forever, it seems

Arthur O'Shaughnessy

[flume]

I’ve gotten really worked up about the corona situation the other day. I’m getting exhausted by the different opinions of the people around me and how they feel the need to bring it up again and again. It’s such a polarising topic… People all around in fear or entrenched in conspiracy theories… And just no way to know what is really going on.

I’m usually good at just letting people talk, holding space for them and then moving on. But not always. Sometimes I get really hurt seeing that people are so afraid, that no one's allowed to meet, that there’s no cultural life, that people stay inside and think that’s healthy… Everything inside me just screams no. 

So I get overwhelmed and I get into judgment, passive aggressiveness and even conspiracy theories. I loose my nuanced thinking and just get angry and carried away in debates. I almost deliberately shut off all the positive sides opportunities to grow in this situation… Just to make a point.

But if I’m totally honest, I have no idea what’s true. And I don’t have an opinion. I just don’t care about corona. If others don’t talk to me, I spend no more than 2 minutes a day thinking about it. And if anyone thinks that that is irresponsible, so be it. Me worrying or feeling bad about other people dying or the system failing doesn’t help anyone. The world really doesn’t need another person discussing Covid imo. (But that could be my passive aggressiveness about the situation… So if you’re reading this and there’s anything you think I’m missing, please comment and tell me. I really don’t wanna be ignorant, I’m just trying to figure out how I can positively influence the most amount of people.)

There are other things going on, things I'm way more skilled and happy to deal with. That's where my responsibility lies imo. I notice that when I’m creatively involved at work, I keep my peace without a problem. I fall asleep totally relaxed and satisfied, knowing I did all I could to make a positive change in the world. Getting involved with the news though… Oh boy… Takes me in a way wrong direction. I’m really not made to be a student of politics. It literally doesn’t help anyone if I involve myself with those things.