mood

[flume]

Losing someone you love to addiction might be the hardest thing I ever went through. And it’s been long enough. It breaks my heart to see how substance changes you and consumes every last bit of your being. There’s nothing left I can do for you at this point. I can’t make that decision for you. You’re drowning but I can’t save you. Kicking and screaming, our paths are not the same anymore. 

This is an act of letting go. I’m grieving even though you’re still alive.  Ever since I can remember, you were the most important person in my life.
And I’m losing you more and more everyday. And it’s ok.

_______

Life is turbulent and wild. New work again, new people again, new passions, new car, finally making music again, so motivated to work on my career. Even daring to get back into dating. I’m really falling in love with life more everyday. Just the usual stuff is overwhelmingly beautiful, exciting, precious.

So there are ups and downs. There are. Yet underneath all of this ‘I’ am fine. There’s a background to all of these experiences that just can’t be touched. And it’s growing everyday. It’s a background that doesn’t have any qualities. I can’t think about it, it has no colour or shape in my mind. Yet unmistakably it’s there.

And there is peace inside of me, peace of knowing that every minute of everyday of my life I do the best I can with what I have. Always striving to become more of myself.

Meditation is really staring to show some real effects in my life. I don’t know how I managed to live before, where every emotion seemed like the end of the world. 

Life is not happening to me, it’s happening for me. Even the bad stuff. I actually just realised that it’s been a long time since I’ve made the distinction between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ things that are happening in my life. Life just is. And I’m working with it, there’s more and more moments of less and less resistance. Way to go!

[Natasha]

@flume <3<3<3

[flume]

Resistance is what makes me me.

I’m like a stick firmly stuck in a riverbed. Water is life, so life is all around me but it can’t get through me. It’s uncomfortable to always lean against the natural flow of life, to keep asserting oneself. But it’s what I am, what I’ve done all my life so I don’t even realise how much energy it takes to keep this up. The resistance I show is my personality. Think about it, what you resist is what makes you you.

Acceptance is the way, I can feel that. I always focused on accepting what’s outside of me, even some aspects about me but never my mind. There’s got to be something terribly wrong with how busy it is in there I thought. But I had a moment of opening where this sentence flashed into my mind out of nowhere: “What would happen if I accepted life as it is? What would happen if there was no division in the mind about how the mind is?”

How could I overlook that? I’ve heard this so often yet it was never something I felt. But then, a small door opens and it shows you the way. That’s the difference between knowing and believing. Those kinds of insights stick so hard, there’s no leap of faith required.

Accepting life would mean letting go, getting flushed away by the stream, bathing and experiencing what hat been all around me all my life. Becoming it. It would probably feel effortless and light.

But… It’s so unknown, I just can’t….!
________________________

@Natasha I think about you often! Much love, thanks for checking in!

[Bill W]

11 minutes ago, flume said:

Those kinds of insights stick so hard, there’s no leap of faith required.

I see that you are still prioritising quality over quantity with your content on here. Refreshing. I need to follow your lead on that ?

Anyway, I was taken with the above. I feel like you some times in the above quote but for me, I then realise a leap of faith is required because I lose the committment to my insights and wisdom when in stormy weather, or to a degree I do. I come away from them. I go back into beast mode as Russell Brand would say. I lose my spirituality briefly. 

Take care.

[flume]

@Bill W That's definitely the case for me too sometimes. That's why daily practice is so important. "Be still and know that I am God." 
Lovely to see you here. I totally associate you with your profile picture btw, which probably isn't even you! 

[Bill W]

1 minute ago, flume said:

@Bill W That's definitely the case for me too sometimes. That's why daily practice is so important. "Be still and know that I am God." 
Lovely to see you here. I totally associate you with your profile picture btw, which probably isn't even you! 

haha, I'm not that old! If you Google "Bill W" you will find out who this genius is! 

[flume]

"Here, where I am surrounded by an enormous landscape, which the winds move across as they come from the seas, here I feel that there is no one anywhere who can answer for me those questions and feelings which, in their depths, have a life of their own.

Be patient with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." - R. M. Rilke

[flume]

I don’t even know where to begin. A few nights ago I got answers to every question I’ve ever asked myself. A state of unconditional love installed itself and answers came through me as clear as day. It could be described as an egoless state of service, clarity and devotion. This is the third time I’ve experienced this feeling in the past year (first two times ‘sober’, now with some ‘help’ ;-) and every time it happens I feel like it’s stabilising itself more in my everyday life.

When I started to ‘come down’ a bit, I asked myself this question: 
“How do I keep this state when my ego is coming back and I’m starting to resist every moment so much again and my mind is divided?”
The answer came immediately:
“You love and embrace dividedness. It’s what makes all life possible. You’re here to explore dividedness. Enjoy it. Make your ego your best friend and just see what it does. You won’t get anywhere if you push ANY part of yourself away. Dividedness is nothing but an opportunity for love. If you apply this, nothing can threaten your enlightenment.”

So I did. I gave love and non-judgemental attention to every thought I lost myself in, to every bit of confusion inside of me, to not - knowing, to every moment as it was. And the state of love didn’t go away, even though my ego came back. I can still trigger it now if I just remember this truth. Immediately I’m back in a state of oneness, just like that.

This is totally overwhelming. In a way it feels light, familiar and ordinary but on the other hand it’s totally unfamiliar and like a boat that I’m not yet ready to steer. It feels like walking on a new planet. I don’t feel ready. I don’t feel worthy. I’m too young, too unexperienced and I don’t feel like I’ve worked hard enough to deserve any of this. My journey has only just begun. I have no words... It's really hard to write any of this down.

Anyway, while all of this happened to ‘me’, I wanna make clear that I really can’t take any credit for it. This had nothing to do with me, I’m merely an instrument.

I couldn’t stop writing for hours, so here’s a small excerpt of the insights I wrote down:

• “Q: Where are my negative feelings? A: I left them behind with what I thought I was.”
• “Q: What is God? A: The thing that experiences everything.”
• “Q: Am I dreaming? A: I’m always dreaming. How free you are in your dream defines how good your dream is.”
• “Q: Why is there ego? A: Because otherwise there wouldn’t be life. Life = Division = Movement”
• “Q: How do I keep myself from backsliding? A: I love my backsliding. When you love yourself as much when you progress as when you backslide, there’s no more backsliding.”
• “Everything I do is to hurt someone. And deep down I know it. I get presents for people so they feel bad for not getting me anything. That’s how I manipulate them into loving me.
  Q: How/ When do I manipulate myself/ others? A: Every time I don’t fully love myself.
  Q: How do I go about this? A: Just awareness.”
• “Love = Acceptance”
• “Rush is the opposite of Love.”
• “Q: What does it mean to love someone? A: It means to love reality.”
• “Letting others make their own mistakes = Love”
• “The force of life lifts you up every moment. It’s just a matter of being able to receive it.”
• “Gods gift is that you have to accept every moment just for one moment. Every moment is a new opportunity to be free.”
• “I can only decide for this moment. Always. There’s no such question like “Who should I be with in the future?” You should be with whoever reflects your truth at that moment the most. You’re nothing but a reflection.”

[flume]

So much of me is dying.
So much of me is coming alive.

 

[Shin]

The «i didn't work hard enough for it» and «i'm not worthy», is exactly why people take decades of suffering to awaken.

You're literally saying «I'm not godlike enough, I need a bigger and holier ego».

Of course you're worthy, worthy doesn't even come in consideration.

Worthy of what ? To be what you are ?

That sounds problematic ???

[Raptorsin7]

@Shin How do you unprogram yourself from beliefs about your inferiority? We are already perfect. But most of us just don't feel it and don't believe it. How do you bridge the gap?

[Shin]

6 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

@Shin How do you unprogram yourself from beliefs about your inferiority? We are already perfect. But most of us just don't feel it and don't believe it. How do you bridge the gap?

To me it's not really feeling that I am perfect, but that I can achieve anything I want If I really want to.

I don't know if you say it's confidence though, because it's not like I think I'm super smart or anything (most often than not I make stupid mistakes in retrospect ?), it's just that I don't know why I couldn't.

I was not confident at all 3 years ago though, and I think there is no magic pill, we have to do things we thought we couldn't not do, or that we think are really hard to do.

Once you do that several time, everything seems possible, even the most crazy things.

Having a clear mind, as in really aware helps too, because you discard any negative monkey mind as defense and backsliding mechanisms, you don't believe in any of your thought as holy truth, especially not negative ones.

[flume]

The past weeks I went through a real low. I was majorly confused, I couldn’t get myself to go to the gym, to meditate, I didn’t want to write. I didn’t even make my bed yesterday which is saying a lot if you know me. Haha. 

Self judgment was huge, questioning if any of this is even working. My mind was so busy and unclear, I felt like my meditation skills all left me and I was a useless, unconscious blob. It’s like I didn’t know who I was anymore. I slept 12+ hours a day, remembering 6 or more dreams every night, dreams of fire and floods, about responsibility, layered dreams of awakening… And then I woke up and went through my day like a blindfolded sheep in the middle of a maze. I’m usually so clear on making decisions, but now, the smallest decision overwhelmed me completely.

An ego backlash by the book, what else could I have expected? I should really start counting on those. I somehow do but it’s still such a pain every time I go through it. Leo’s episode on Ego backlash gave me some perspective. Oh boy, I’ve come back to this video so often already.

But today, things are slowly getting better again. It’s like life beat me down hard but is offering some reconciliation. A book that came to me at just the right time, a lucid dream, a nice conversation, a good therapy session, hyper focus and presence during meditation even though I slaked off a bit lately. And all of that in one day. My day was filled with wonders. Or rather: I’ve regained the ability to recognise them.

That’s just how it always is: A spike upwards, a spike downwards, a slow progression upwards and then a new plateau that was 2% better than the one before. Haha. Welcome to reality. You really can’t rush progress, can you.

These lyrics hit home during those days:

 

 

[flume]

It's been a minute since posting on here. If anyone's still reading this - Hi!
A lot has happened the past months. Overall, life is good. Just finished the life purpose course and I'm feeling extra good and motivated now that I finally know what direction I want to take my career into. Things are turning out in ways I would have never expected. And I only just got started. Good stuff

Also upped my meditation quite a bit. Now going 45min in one go on most days. Lots of moments where I'm spontaneously dropping into the now throughout the day... More and more I'm realising in my direct experience that this work is where I should put most of my time into. Meditation changed my life in such a profound way. I'm feeling more and more like myself...

Other than that, I don't know if I'll ever get over my binge eating tendencies and body image issues. At this point it feels like I've literally tried anything.
In therapy again... Doesn't particularly help but at least it doesn't get worse. So sick of it, it's almost laughable.

For the rest, going through the usual loops, the ups and downs, trying stuff, overdoing stuff, backlashes, feeling lost, huge steps forward... There's nothing in existence that shouldn't be there I guess

Feeling called to share 2 trip reports from this weekend.

 

[flume]

Trying Mescaline For The First Time (Trip Report)

This was my fourth trip ever. I consumed about 20g of dried San Pedro (powder) and tripped through the night (about 12 hours)

Very smooth coming up and after about 2 hours a felt the waves of it enter my consciousness.

First thing I realised was how much I’m denying myself the little pleasure of life like candy or just spending time on my phone. If I’m doing it anyway, why not enjoy it? It’s like I have this constant pressure of being perfect that makes me not enjoy anything anymore. Working on it though...

 

I also suddenly really appreciated my imperfect, sober, limited mind when I’m trying to figure out my life. Here I am, waiting for this God-consciousness to give me all the answers but I never considered what a special gift my own perspective is. I actually scrolled through the forum a bit, being amazed at how beautiful it is that we all see things differently and how boring it would be if we all had all the answers. Every point of view is totally valid. There’s no perfect way to do things anyway. How freeing :-)

Imperfections are what are keeping us all together.

Make peace with your own imperfections.

Your perspective is totally valid.

 

Some other random insights:

Creativity = Daring to be your own self.

Why is the psychedelic realm so weird? Because we don’t really know ourselves yet.

What is ego inside of me? That thing that wants to get rid of ego.

Why do people find it difficult to accept themselves? Because they think they have a past and a future.

What is organic farming? Letting plants be how plants are.

What is conventional farming? Making plants how humans want them to be. 

And more personal stuff that wouldn’t be that relevant here I think.

 

I decided to take more at that point but that made my stomach hurt so bad for about 3 hours that I could barely focus on anything else. I was caught in a bit of a middle state, not really tripping, not sober either. I would have needed more for a deep trip but there was no way I was gonna eat any more of that bitter stuff.

All in all I think mescaline is a smooth ride, very calming and not as confusing and in-your-face as LSD for example. It’s like you can choose how deep you want to go and if you need a break, you can get ‘out’ anytime. Gentle on the mind, harsh on the stomach

I doubt I’ll ever take it again though. I like the clarity of other psychedelics more and the stomach ache just isn’t worth it for me.

[flume]

2g Mushroom Trip Report

During the come up I tried meditating a bit and had great awareness of my body, especially my digestive track. I felt how sensitive and soft it is and how important it is to eat slowly in order to aid digestion.

As the energy that was moving through me became more gripping I constantly had to open my mouth (literally and metaphorically). It was like the energy in my body couldn’t flow properly and execute all its functions if I’m not speaking my truth to the world. Holding back is actually really hurting me and disrupting my energy system. So far so good.

If it stayed at this level I guess I could have worked on a ton of personal stuff in a comfortable, aware way.

But that was only the come up. I felt a lot more coming and I was unable to keep on meditating.

I felt uncomfortable being trapped in those endless loops of starting something and then forgetting. The only thing I could think was ‘All of this only makes sense outside’.

So I went into the woods. As soon I was outside a few minutes it’s like my whole brain unhooked from everything I ever knew and I was completely lost. I forgot everything. I didn’t know how old I was, how I got here, I forgot my family, my job etc. I only  remembered that I was on a mission to find out what’s true. 

Everywhere I turned, visuals were trying to pull me in but I knew they’re distractions. I wanna know what’s underneath all of experience. I pulled out my phone and I somehow remembered that I wanted to listen to this guided inquiry of this guy who’s name I have forgotten (LOL, sorry Leo!)

This was the end of me. There’s just no way to utter how it felt to not find myself. Everything was foreign, I felt completely alone, nothing felt like home, not the woods, not my body, not my mind. Every question I’ve ever asked myself seemed useless if I can’t answer who I am first. I just couldn’t get to the bottom of it. I was lost. 

“I don’t exist” was the only conclusion I could come up with. Yet what is happening right now? A complete paradox. I need to find myself. I tried everything to find the ‘I’ inside, cold showers to activate my senses, my ego… But nothing worked. I knew I had to give up, but that didn’t work either. I was completely and utterly defeated. No moment of ecstasy, just terror and defeat.

I realised that every problem I have in life comes down to me thinking that I exist and me trying to fill the void of non-existence with food, relationships, etc. It never works because I’m trying to reinforce an illusion. 

Self acceptance doesn’t work because it implies that you exist.

[Natasha]

On 5/27/2020 at 5:41 PM, flume said:

I realised that every problem I have in life comes down to me thinking that I exist and me trying to fill the void of non-existence with food, relationships, etc. It never works because I’m trying to reinforce an illusion. 

Great report, Maria! Happy to see you growing and evolving spiritually 

This guided self-inquiry also helped me to shift perspective and have an awakening

 

[flume]

"I'm never so prone to loose my identity. I am dissolved in the haze." (Thoreau)

[flume]

I don't know how to describe what's happening to me, so just dropping by to post a Bon Iver song. What else is new

Thanks @Natasha Much appreciated! Will give it a listen on occasion!

[flume]

Also didn't know I needed french pop in my life. But I do!!! What a total babe