How to become disagreeable?

[Mezanti]

how does one become less polite and more blunt, how does one start enjoying conflict and caring less what people think of them. 

Mind you i don't view this as low consciousness, certainly there is a distinction between being loving and wanting the best for all of humanity and being too weak to stand up for yourself, being too polite and fearful of conflict. 

 

PLEASE SHARE! 

[Scholar]

22 minutes ago, Mezanti said:

how does one become less polite and more blunt, how does one start enjoying conflict and caring less what people think of them. 

Mind you i don't view this as low consciousness, certainly there is a distinction between being loving and wanting the best for all of humanity and being too weak to stand up for yourself, being too polite and fearful of conflict. 

 

PLEASE SHARE! 

Some of the things that I have done in the past few years that helped me:

• realizing that everyone is impermanent and will die, what people think of you is therefore irrelevant
• Slowly challenging yourself to be more and more confronting
• Somehow realizing that you care about your own life more than about the opinions others have
• Ego deconstruction work in general, meaning meditation, contemplation, expanding your consumption of stage orange content

 

This will be a long term project, expect it to take a months and even a few years unless you would be focusing a lot on this particular issue. I have been working on this on the side as it is not really a priority of mine.

One thing that will help is having something that you care about a lot and that you would put infront of the opinion of others. For me veganism was great for this because it kind of forces you to argue it. When you think about the animals and what they go through, and sitting around people who eat meat who then dare to criticize you for being vegan, that will give you a lot of opportunity to confront them while having the suffering of the animals in the back of your mind. Standing up for someone else who is exploited to me was much easier than standing up for myself, and that way you can eventually learn to stand up for yourself.

 

For me consumption of stage orange/confrontational stuff was really important. You want to integrate these aspects of stage orange even if you have to consume low consciousness stuff.

Two things in particular helped me:

Listening to Destiny, here is his channel:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC554eY5jNUfDq3yDOJYirOQ

He does not give a shit what people think of him so there is much to learn from him in this regard. He has some very admirable traits but also some low consciousness stuff that will probably be obvious to you so not much of a problem.

 

Watching these from time to time:

https://www.youtube.com/user/VitalyzdTv/

Vitaly is someone who pranks people and it's rather low consciousness, but it gets the job done. He is very good at being playful with how he interacts with people so there is a lot to learn in that regard from him. You can start framing confrontations more like playful interactions instead of ego powerplays.

 

If these don't work out for you find some other stuff that is going to work for you. Maybe even watch some stage orange movies and try to embrace and put yourself into the shoes of some of the more confrontational characters.

Edited October 6, 2019 by Scholar

[Bill W]

I wouldn't have enjoying conflict as a goal lol. Yes maybe coping with conflict better and even being comfortable with it but if you start enjoying it then question the enjoyment lol.

As for what people think I am going to send some stuff in a minute

[Bill W]

34 minutes ago, Mezanti said:

how does one become less polite and more blunt, how does one start enjoying conflict and caring less what people think of them. 

 

[Bill W]

37 minutes ago, Mezanti said:

caring less what people think of them. 

I love this. It's about the futility of judging others, but you can spin it around and appreciate that if others judge you it is equally futile. Therefore it's not worth the attention and worry you give to what others think. It's worth 10 minutes of your time this clip I think.

 

[loub]

You might want to check out the book "Thick Face, Black Heart". Haven't read it but think it answers your questions raised here.

Just because agreeableness comes from the lower-self does not necessarily conclude that disagreeableness would be your higher-selfs expression.
What you want is self-esteem, especially self-assertiveness. For that check out Nathaniel Brandens work and do the 32 week sentence-stem completion program.

In my personal experience it has been invaluable to check my hidden beliefs and unquestioned assumptions that led me to think that overly agreeable behaviour would be the best way of going about relating to other people.
If in contact with other people agreeablness tends to be your default behaviour, try and just not act on the first few urges to do or say a certain thing. It will be a little awkward to just stand there but eventually some different, deeper demeanor will present itself. And that is not disagreeableness.

[Bill W]

You might find this useful as well. As painful as I find this to admit, it's a sense of entitlement that gets me angry with how other people treat me, interact with me, or judge me. This short clip is great about entitlement and the flip side of that coin (humility).

Enjoy!

 

[Commodent]

Don't be disagreeable for the sake of being disagreeable. I know a guy who's like that and I can see straight through that bullshit.

What do you want to become less polite FOR? What do you want to be more blunt FOR? Self-expression? Sharing your inner truth? Focus on that instead.

[TrynaBeTurquoise]

2 minutes ago, Commodent said:

Don't be disagreeable for the sake of being disagreeable. I know a guy who's like that and I can see straight through that bullshit.

What do you want to become less polite FOR? What do you want to be more blunt FOR? Self-expression? Sharing your inner truth? Focus on that instead.

Preach!

[Mezanti]

@Commodent

6 minutes ago, Commodent said:

Don't be disagreeable for the sake of being disagreeable. I know a guy who's like that and I can see straight through that bullshit.

What do you want to become less polite FOR? What do you want to be more blunt FOR? Self-expression? Sharing your inner truth? Focus on that instead.

good point. 

the thing is ive developed this complex where, i find my self feeling judged rather than judging, the contents of my mind are not that of a judgemental character. 

Fundementally i feel very low status, and feel like i can't speak up. i think if however if i try being disagreeable for the sake of being disagreeable that directly puts me face to face with my fear. I know you think its annoying, but i have to get to the point where i don't give a shit if people see through it or not. 

When i was little i was very confrontational that was until i got my fair share of being shunned by the educational environment mostly. (teachers, the parents of the kids.) that was when i started to become conscious that i need to never confront anyone, and i need to care what people thought cuz if i didn't, i got punished through (being called names by teachers, being left alone while all the kids played) blah blah blah. 

I have now an extremely unconfrontational personality. i feel like i need to do whatever (socially) and learn not to fear the consequences. 

like im messaging random shit to one of the people that made me self conscious  when i was a kid. why? just to do it. 

[Commodent]

39 minutes ago, Mezanti said:

i find my self feeling judged rather than judging

Which is essentially the same thing. The only difference is that the judgment is directed at the self instead of other people.

40 minutes ago, Mezanti said:

Fundementally i feel very low status, and feel like i can't speak up. i think if however if i try being disagreeable for the sake of being disagreeable that directly puts me face to face with my fear. I know you think its annoying, but i have to get to the point where i don't give a shit if people see through it or not. 

I don't mind people being disagreeable if they are true to themselves. I cherish that. But if they do it out of some twisted idea that it will make liked and respected, then I certainly won't respect it. If you're gonna go through all the discomfort of being disagreeable, at least make it worth it to YOU. Fighting without anything to fight for is wasted energy. It is in fact a quite weird thing to observe, seeing people act all disagreeable and "macho" from a place of people-pleasing and powerlessness. As if that in and of itself is what will make people respect them.

Point being, be as disagreeable as you want, but make it worth it. If agreeableness really is a problem to you, I'd figure there is something in your life that it's restricting you from doing. Focus on what you want to set free, and not what you want to get rid of. That was a really hard lesson for me to learn, and it's so important. Find a positive motivation.

50 minutes ago, Mezanti said:

When i was little i was very confrontational that was until i got my fair share of being shunned by the educational environment mostly.

I can relate to that. You lived through the trauma of being shunned by authority figures for expressing your inner truth (like many of us), and now every time you face the opportunity to express yourself you unconsciously relive all that happened to you through implicit memories. Which fires up your amygdala and shuts down your prefrontal cortex. Probably even hindering your ability to think clearly and actually express yourself even if you wanted to (something which I have struggled with a lot).

What you're describing is quite common (to varying degrees) and entirely possible to heal from. Be kind with yourself (gently remind yourself what you've been through), and stay mindful. That will take you a long way