Loneliness And Self-improvement

[MiroslavK]

Ever since I started to really work on self-improvement, more and more people around me started to seem toxic, neurotic, full of traumas and prejudice. I am guilty of the same and I do try to use these people to grow myself, but what troubles me is that the more I do this, the more lonely and distanced from others I feel. I understand that in a sense, we are all alone, but on the other hand, I don't think we have to feel this way, or feel this way and still be happy. We do need connection. Does anyone run into the same thing? Is there a way out?

[Mal]

@MiroslavK

Hi there...

I don't want to say too much about this because ultimately it's your path. But what you're reacting to is predominantly other people's personalities, and the personality is not all of the person's authentic self. 

It is going to take a fair amount of work to realize this, but keep continuing with the work and I promise your current perception will change for the better. 

All these things are impermanent, and happily this also includes our perceptions. 

Keep at it

Warm regards 

Mal

[Corte]

It's important at this point in your development to not fall into the Us vs. Them mentality. Yes, people around you may have unconscious and neurotic behaviors as Leo talks about, but this doesn't mean they are toxic. Don't get me wrong, toxic people exist but you will have a much stronger feeling to just avoid them. This includes illegal, addictive, obsessive, detrimental behaviors. 

You can learn from those around you and they can learn more from you. You can connect with anyone you want to, sometimes it will be more difficult to do so but its not impossible. Just try to be more mindful in these situations and don't feel the need to label or identify people constantly. 

Regarding loneliness, it doesn't exist outside of you. You've put yourself in a place where you no longer relate to people around you. It may be worse now because you are attempting to fill an emotional void by being with a friend but now everyone you know is "toxic" so you have no one. 

Do you think you would be able to detach from behaviors you don't like (from yourself and those around you) so that you can reconnect in a more fulfilling way without sacrificing your personal growth? Through this possibly helping those who seem toxic at the same time?

[Mal]

2 hours ago, Corte said:

Regarding loneliness, it doesn't exist outside of you. You've put yourself in a place where you no longer relate to people around you. It may be worse now because you are attempting to fill an emotional void by being with a friend

Corte,

Spot on generally. Just want to add a touch more nuance to this insight you made here by suggesting that we don't consciously chose to put ourselves anywhere on the spectrum. We do however unconsciously identify with a specific meaning structure, and the only conscious thing we can actually do is take ourselves OUT of it. In this context the loneliness we feel at this point in the journey is appropriate because the loneliness is a pointer toward the dynamic of mutual rubriciszing that is apparent at the belonging needs stage.

Neurotic confluence is the act of negating and avoiding at the cost of our authenticity the game of rubriciszing and being ostracised from the tribe if we do something to break the rules. For example we dare not commit the "sin" of showing negativity in the pack lest we be labeled completely (and unconsciously label ourselves too) as a "negative person". This kind of mindless violence is what holds self actualization back in our world. 

The good news is the remedy is indeed to welcome and explore the depth of loneliness that this meaning structure creates for us both collectively and individually.  It's the doorway to truly understanding the "golden rule" and the start of creating our own personal identity and values. 

Mal

[Corte]

@Mal I agree, I guess this common issue is labeling certain thoughts/feelings/emotions as wrong or bad which means to stay away from it or get rid of it immediately. This is so deeply ingrained in our heads it's nearly impossible to think any other way. Even though it sounds like a primitive instinct, it's still very much alive in family dynamics and peer groups. Allowing these thoughts to flow just as freely as things we like or things that are pleasurable breaks us free from mental traps/regurgitation. Thank you for your depth as usual, and colorful vocabulary!