I am so so angry

[Khron]

I have been depressed since my early teens. I started to see light at the end of the tunnel around age 34, then I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and I fell right back down. I am 38 now. MS derailed all the progress I thought I was making and led me to actualize.org.

This work has led me to the realization that to save myself as a kid, I was destroying my future happiness. I am working on uncovering my childhood vows and I am seeing how I was reinforcing my self-destruction time after time after time and it has made me so very very angry.

The realization that I wasted a large chunk of my youth and 2 decades of my adulthood depressed over crap that never actually mattered infuriates me. I wish I had succeeded in my teen suicide attempts.

I think part of what makes me angry is the fact that there is no one I can legitimately direct it at. I want to be angry at myself, but I didn't know any better. I want to be angry at my bullies, but I know they were just my mirror images who found a different way to cope. They didn't know any better either. I want to be angry at an adult, my mother even. "Why didn't anyone tell me I was destroying myself?" But they weren't inside my head, watching me systematically shut down all things within me that I needed to develop in order to become a relatively well-adjusted adult.

So I just sit with this ball of fury In my chest, wishing I would have not been so inept at offing myself. This work is constantly reminding me of how badly I screwed myself and it's given me the ability to see some my self degradation on autopilot. It's so omnipresent, so controlling, so damaging, so demoralizing and I did it to myself. That's infuriating and this is just the beginning, i'm sure. I just don't know what to do about this anger.

[ajasatya]

@Khron Angry? Good. Now let go or you'll be repeating the same mistake, as in looking back at your 38 y/o self and regretting for wasting so much time and energy with anger.

Instead, do something about it. Appreciate your life NOW.

[Nahm]

@Khron Don’t do a damn thing about a damn thing in thought. Just let it go, or you’re essentially recreating what you are angry about. Let it go. Under these beliefs about your self, prior to the thinking, thought stories and anger.....just acknowledge the intention to go in the direction of feeling good, and letting old thoughts which no longer serve you, go. 

[Ananta]

12 hours ago, Khron said:

I have been depressed since my early teens. I started to see light at the end of the tunnel around age 34, then I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and I fell right back down. I am 38 now. MS derailed all the progress I thought I was making and led me to actualize.org.

Welp, I wasnt a depressed teen, but after being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis at 21 yrs old I became depressed and terrified for my future.

I was depressed on/off for almost 2 decades. I'm even a suicide survivor. It wasnt until after my attempt and then finding Eckhart Tolle in 2009 that things started to turn around.

However, the MS had slowed down considerably when I was in my mid thirties, enough for me to go back to work (I had been on disability) and now 40's it's like I don't even have it. Seriously, you'd never know and last MRI few yrs ago showed my lesions were shrinking. Why? Dunno.

Sooo, I can say, allowing your thoughts to create misery in your mind is 99% of any battle, imo. Try to do Self-inquiry and see that the thoughts aren't you. You can see them as not yours, unloading some misery for yourself.

Edited October 6, 2019 by Anna1

[studentofthegame]

You mention uncovering your childhood vows, so i assume that, like me, you are doing inner child work. If you are familiar with the books homecoming (bradshaw) and the tao of fully feeling (walker) it's about grieving our childhood wounds and expressing repressed anger, and ultimately discovering forgiveness and compassion. I'd recommend you look at this work if you haven't already.

I'd also recommend reading or listening to Geoff Thompson. When you mentioned the rage you feel it made me think of his story and his journey. 

@Anna1 that was an inspirational post to read.

[Ananta]

@studentofthegame Ty

[Michael569]

20 hours ago, Anna1 said:

However, the MS had slowed down considerably when I was in my mid thirties, enough for me to go back to work (I had been on disability) and now 40's it's like I don't even have it. Seriously, you'd never know and last MRI few yrs ago showed my lesions were shrinking. Why? Dunno.

This is incredible !! I've read a lot about MS and haven't heard of many cases of slowing down. Always thaught the lessions in central nervous system were irreversible.  Without wanting su to hijack OP's post, I'm wondering if you would be able to share a bit more of your journey and what do you think helped you with recovery? 

[Ananta]

10 hours ago, Michael569 said:

This is incredible !! I've read a lot about MS and haven't heard of many cases of slowing down. Always thaught the lessions in central nervous system were irreversible.  Without wanting su to hijack OP's post, I'm wondering if you would be able to share a bit more of your journey and what do you think helped you with recovery? 

Well, my story is just that, my story. I'm not advocating my path for anyone else with MS. Just so I'm clear on that, because my path became very unorthodox and not many could understand. So, with that being said, here we go....

I've had MS for 28 years. Cant ever say I'm cured, because there is no cure for MS. Anyways, from age 21 I had taken injections they called "disease modifying drugs" for 12 yrs. I always had some sorta side effects, usually flu-like symptoms. Also, taking these injections were a constant, painful reminder of the disease. For me, having a incurable neurological disease created misery in my mind of a possible future in a wheelchair, etc. Well meaning family, friends would send me books on the newest, latest diets, exercise, medications, etc, etc, etc....I just hated it so much!!!!!

One day i realized wayyyy too much of my attention and thought was surrounding this stupid disease and I was done with it and done taking injections, which at the time was all there was as far as disease modifiers.

I discussed my plan with family and friends at the time, which almost everyone thought was crazy. The plan... starve the disease of my thoughts and attention. That's it. No special diet. No exercise regimen. I'm not a health nut.  Just stop taking any MS disease modifiers, no more high dose steroids during attacks, stop talking about the disease, stop getting MRI's unless really needed, stop thinking of myself as a person with MS....just STOP.

At my next neurology appt I told my doctor I would be stopping disease modifiers, not be coming for follow ups as often and just wanted to be treated symptomatically if needed with low dose steroids, etc. She had a hissy fit. She was a prominent MD at the Cleveland Clinic Mellon Center and she said "you can't do that!" I said, "really?, watch me!" She then said she would not be my doctor anymore if I went off disease modifying meds. So, we broke up on that day...lol. So, I found another neurologist trained in MS and she agreed to be my doctor with me only being treated symptomatically. 

Soooo, it's been about 16 years now that I started this. It took a little while for things to slow down, as slow as it is now. Meaning I had some MS attacks early on, but not as many and not as severe. I wouldn't allow anyone to talk about MS. It was a taboo subject really for quite awhile. About 3 or 4 yrs ago, cant really remember. I had a appt with my neurologist because I had a problem and wasnt sure if it was MS related. She had said she didnt think so, but that my last brain MRI had been 5 yrs and we should get another to compare. I really didnt want to, but got it anyways since she insisted.

When I went back to find out the verdict she said, "well, it's not often I get to say this, but other than a little bit of new scattered demyelination your lesions are shrinking!" I said, "how is that happening?" She said, " we don't really understand it fully, but it's good, very good". 

**(Now lesions will never truly go away completely, unless they are replaced by CSF- cerebral spinal fluid, which to my knowledge isnt good and a sign of overall brain atrophy, but that's not what was happening in my case. Lesions are brain scar tissue and increase typically due to the inflammatory processes of MS. They can only shrink like mine if the inflammatory process has stopped or slowed considerably to my knowledge.)

So, now a days, I still dont discuss MS at home, unless having a problem. Since I do still have lesions, even tho smaller, I do "very occasionally" have symptoms from those lesions. But, true MS attacks or relapses are from "new" or worsening demyelination/lesions. 

I really only discuss MS sometimes on a forums usually to help someone else or if asked a question. 

 

Edited October 8, 2019 by Anna1

[Nahm]

@Anna1 Amazing. Thanks for sharing. 

[Michael569]

@Anna1 thank you for sharing the inspiring story. The only person I heard about being able to regenerate people's CNS lesions was Robert Morse on the fruitarian diet and herbs. It appears the human body is a miraculous object and it seems we have other means of healing then using drugs. 

Wishing you all the best in the future and further healing !

[Ananta]

@Nahm @Michael569

Thank you!

[Khron]

Thanks everyone for your replies and inspirational stories.

 

I can see how I am recreating my problems. I've been told by a few people as of late that I'm overthinking. I can recall being told that in my earlier years. At this point, I'm sure it's true. My problem is I have no concept of the threshold between thinking and overthinking.

Even as I am writing this, I'm debating the legitimacy of every word I write. Am I using this is a therapy session? Am I just wasting people's time?

It's funny, I kind of knew let go was going to be people's advice. maybe I can. Thanks.

[Nahm]

@Khron That is awesome to hear!

Rather than think about establishing a distinction between thinking and overthinking....just consider, that the amount of voluntary thinking necessary, is 0%. 

[wesyasz]

Anna1, are you still not following any special diet?

[Ananta]

4 hours ago, wesyasz said:

Anna1, are you still not following any special diet?

That is correct...and I probably never will.