Clearing Out

[mandyjw]

By the way, anyone is welcome to comment here if they like, same as with my old journals. 

Yesterday I was told out of the blue that the aid worker I worked really hard for about a year to find for my autistic son is resigning. It took a while to process. I decided to meditate instead of going outside because it was so cold, but after that I decided to go for a run anyway. When something like that happens it's obvious how mind and ego controlled I still am. My pattern is always to do fabulously in the situation then to complain to other people in my own mind. If I can get to a place of crying or releasing emotions sometimes I realize the event triggered deeper older feelings about things. 

The run didn't seem to help much, I went home and stretched and was in child's pose and just thought about how I didn't really want to live. When people say they are suicidal on here it breaks my heart and I wish that we were better at offering resources, but in my case I know it's a dramatic thought that comes up. It's a misinterpretation of not wanting to think, not wanting to suffer, of getting stuck in the energy of the moment. It's  rejection of life, a rejection of desire, a rejection of purpose. I feel pretty lost when it comes to purpose and direction right now. These feelings only lasted for a minute when my daughter climbed on my back and I knew that opting out and moping for long stopped being an option for me seven years ago when I became a mom. Sometimes this feels reassuring and other times it feels like a prison. Again, all thought interpretation.

I dug myself out of it, whenever I went to my computer or especially the forum I felt worse so I cleaned up the house and got out some Christmas decorations and joked a lot with the kids as we put them around. As I was falling asleep a vivid image came to me. It was of a old woman sitting outside at a table, looking healthy and with a look of love, happiness and peace on her face. She looked a little like my grandmother but not quite. I realized she was me.

It's interesting how many egoic thoughts I have about not living very long, not wanting to get old, yet also thinking it's a blessing I'm not worthy of. 

 

[Surfingthewave]

Hi @mandyjwI felt I had to comment on your post. When life deals us really really difficult situations, what I've realised lately is we are always supported. Perhaps your need to release emotions is important as it will help you move through this. The person you saw in your dream was the person who has lived a fulfilling and happy life. Do what you need to do to be that person, or perhaps you are already? Sending love. 

[mandyjw]

@Surfingthewave Thank you.

I noticed years ago that I could describe my life as an incomprehensible blessing and series of good luck or I could describe it as completely the opposite. 

I chose to see and understand that suffering is never caused by anything that happens, that it is all self created. I still have habits of thoughts and beliefs that try to solve the problems or make me feel better on the level of thought, the mind fights for peace. The mind is a sword that separates. The metaphorical sword that guards the Tree of Life. 

Repression is another trick of the mind, another way of fighting for peace, that needs to be seen through at seems to come up with every layer of the opinion that is peeled back. 

I have been reaching for more and in my reaching, fighting against depression. The fact that it has come back to me now means it or I know I'm ready this time. I'm ready until I'm not and then I'll get ready to be ready again. 

[mandyjw]

I have my reasons, don't judge me people. 

 

[mandyjw]

The Christmas spirit.  It's so interesting to revisit this Christmas thing after the revelations of the past year.  We put up our Christmas tree Sunday and I got horrible depression for a moment, recognized now as long standing thought patterns associating Christmas with depression and darkness. Getting so close to Source means going away just a little feels awful in comparison.

I am going to get the last book in the series about the grail path about the nativity and the symbolism as it pertains to enlightenment. I was reading her intro and she described a candle ceremony in her church and how they walk through the darkness but meet and the sanctuary is glowing with light. And I thought how much I desire to be part of a church, a real church someday. And to sing altogether as one. It's funny that the thing that lights my soul up the most was the exact thing that I avoided like the plague my entire life. Another punchline to the joke. Maybe it's not the mansion I want to rebuild. Maybe I want to build a church. 

I just went out to pick up a few things and the store was playing a Christmas song and I recognized the trigger but I felt immune, beautifully immune to being dragged down. It felt like awakening, like the release of laughter at punchline of a very long, looong but worth  telling joke. The only thing in my memory I can compare it to other than awakening is falling in love, or my excitement of being pregnant finally after trying so long. You're going about your life, buying toothpaste but inside your heart is aglow. When I drove home this burst of light came from the direction in which I go for those "lose yourself" runs. I couldn't find an explanation for the light. The building that would have reflected the light there was recently knocked down. The building I first saw when I came this way as a kid with the red herring on it and the old double doors that were always open just a bit. 

 

[mandyjw]

It's really helping to appreciate the despair and negative emotions I feel. Instead of feeling bad because I still have them I understand that it's an indication that there's a really strong desire with a lot of power behind it. Then curiosity arises to define that desire. It's interesting that this forum seems to trigger some of the more intense feelings. I'm starting to question more why I chose to experience the contrast I did, the degree to which I've experienced isolation in my life, whether by circumstance or choice have led to some pretty powerful desires. 

I expressed a desire to do mushrooms to my husband and his reaction was pretty spectacularly negative. He's still acting a bit cold and suspicious or maybe that's my biased perception. How tempting it would be to be mad and blame him for stalling my spiritual evolution.  Of I could blame the fact that I have kids, maybe the kids themselves, or the government or I could blame the people who made me ever even dream of wanting to try them in the first place. The things we expect of our partners are ridiculous. Here, help me survive, I'll expect you to keep me safe, agree exactly with me on decisions affecting out mutual survival and you also need to completely understand me and align with me on a spiritual level especially when I can not understand myself or align with myself. 

 

[mandyjw]

I am a real life Disney princess, mother fuckers! And so are you, I don't care who you are. 

Is this journal living up to its original intention? Probably not. Am I ok with that, right now? Yes. 

 

Edited December 6, 2019 by mandyjw

[Raptorsin7]

@mandyjw What were your intentions for the journal?

[mandyjw]

@Raptorsin7 I was just going to keep it separate from the rest of my thoughts and do the practice described but it turned out to worsen overthinking for me at times. The intention is great, I just have my own way of contemplating things after the fact and sometimes moving on quite fast after recognition of an old thought pattern is the best thing for me right now. Other times it's good to really stop and interrogate it. 

[Raptorsin7]

@mandyjw Oh i see, i just read your initial post. So you have had some awakening experiences and now you are trying to integrate them?

[mandyjw]

@Raptorsin7 Felt like one big kerbang. I am that, I just want to align with it more of the time, get out of my own way so to speak, so I can be in the position to better help "others" see it and live it too. 

[Raptorsin7]

@mandyjw How has the experience changed you? Can you notice little behaviors or habits help you move in alignment and others clearly pull you away?

 

Edited December 6, 2019 by Raptorsin7

[mandyjw]

It blew up all my ideas about who I was. It was like being born again. I saw the perfection of the design of my life and realized that the intense passion and love I've felt off and on all my life is not evil but it is IT. It's more of a feeling than an idea. But I also had to learn not to get too attached to a feeling, but rather pay attention to how I'm feeling and from there I can steer towards the direction of what I truly am. So yeah, it can be said that it's nothing, I am nothing, but also HOLY FUCK it's the most beautiful, wondrous thing you ever saw/felt. 

[Raptorsin7]

@mandyjw How many awakenings have you had?

[mandyjw]

@Raptorsin7 Lots of insights over time, one pinnacle event that exists in memory which I would call awakening.

[mandyjw]

I'm not around people very much. I used to have a lot of resistance about being around people at all. Today I was at a craft fair and I felt so much love and appreciation for people around me, in my interactions with them, in just my observations and people watching. I've attended these in the past with a very different mindset. I thought about how around my awakening my ability to accept gifts became a big theme. I had an insight at the fair where the nature of love, of everything being love is just that. This scenario I found so many things to pick apart as I sat there all day in years past, was seen as a huge expression of love, that I was partaking in whether Mandy was seemingly part of the interaction of just watching different manifestations of it. It's all love. It is true, it is simple, it is wonderful, but oh, what a gift to accept. 

Edited December 8, 2019 by mandyjw

[DrewNows]

On 12/4/2019 at 2:49 PM, mandyjw said:

I expressed a desire to do mushrooms to my husband and his reaction was pretty spectacularly negative.

Oh wow! How exciting you put out this desire....come across any cow patties lately? 

If you do get to experience a trip I wouldn’t expect much, maybe expect the unexpected haha 

An insane spectacular unimaginable blessing you are and that is life 

Edited December 9, 2019 by DrewNows

[Shin]

On 08/12/2019 at 2:00 AM, mandyjw said:

It's all love. It is true, it is simple, it is wonderful, but oh, what a gift to accept. 

[mandyjw]

@DrewNows Actually, something strange happened as often happens when I put desires out there. Still not sure of everything that will come out of it or understanding fully what it's leading to. 

@Shin  BTW I'm getting a puppy next week. Lived for 8 months without a single pet.   

[Shin]

33 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

@DrewNows Actually, something strange happened as often happens when I put desires out there. Still not sure of everything that will come out of it or understanding fully what it's leading to. 

@Shin  BTW I'm getting a puppy next week. Lived for 8 months without a single pet.   

That's 8 months where you husband said no, but finally, woman power prevailed ???