Clearing Out

[mandyjw]

I seem to have lost the sense of insight and the seer of the insight. I seem to have believed so many crazy things, I seem to have done many crazy things, and yet there is nothing or no one to decide what's crazy and what's not crazy. My best understanding is to say that my craziness in practice was mostly a fear of being seen by others as crazy.  Eckhart Tolle's description of crazy makes sense again, only know I know that what resonated with me then was the tip of an iceburg, not just the floating sheet of ice. 

It's funny to remember how BEWILDERED I have been in the past when my reality doesn't match up with other people reality. And how ridiculously fucking simple the depth of this stuff is. Every insight along the way was "REALITY ISN'T WHAT IT SEEMS!!!" screaming the same thing. I guess it's fun going from every facet of the diamond as you see it. "OH, that one reflected pink and blue!", "oh THAT one was an image of the entire rainbow, who knew?" You can't see the whole thing at once. I'm not sure why, maybe because either it would break you or it would be boring. 

Last night we ran out of milk and my husband said something about it and I said "why don't you go buy yourself some milk?". I ask him frequently to go buy a gallon of milk for the kids as soon as we run out so I assumed that he would buy a gallon. He left the house, went out and drove back with a single serve bottle. For himself. I'm so glad I've done all the spiritual work, because I laughed and made several jokes, and dramatically showed my bewilderment but I did not beat him to death with it. 

My reality is not your reality. Duh.

"There are as many different worlds as there are perceivers."- Abraham Hicks

 

 

Edited November 5, 2019 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Sick kid, not letting you sleep well, work, get outside, exercise or mediate, and you realize that all the things you do to keep you present and in the zone during the day are fucking bullshit bandaids. Meditation is completely conditional bullshit, and yet, we came here to be and live and want completely conditional bullshit. I stole 5 minutes to mediate upstairs during which and she mixed her popcorn with her milk and tried to hide it in the fridge and spilled it all over the hardwood floor. It was still worth it though.

I'm asking for a lot. 

 

[mandyjw]

Had a really, really difficult day. 

I've always hated November. Everything seems dead. I know it's not but it seems that way at first glance. The lonely raw beauty and peace of this place that is so powerful in brighter times of year turns cold, dark and dreary. It's the end of the earth after all. This year I tried very hard to buck this pattern of belief about this time of year. I couldn't sleep well on Halloween night, we got another storm with really high winds. I had forgotten to go outside and do something so I went out in it and I just felt the intense and terrifyingly powerful energy of the wind. It didn't feel like love but it sure did feel alive. There was something nice about being able to write off things as just weather in the past. There was something reassuring about being able to write off bad energies as bad and not my own disconnection. 

I've been so emotionally bankrupt (not the right term at all but I don't know what is), today, it's been really difficult to be there for a feverish sick 3 year old when you feel you can barely take care of yourself. She insisted that she wanted an apple and I told her harshly that we were all out but there sitting on the microwave was a small gold apple I'd picked from out back and forgotten about. She later told me she wanted a flower. I went out in the rain and picked her two and she insisted I put one in my hair. 

 

Edited November 8, 2019 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

The image in my avatar appeared to me last night before I went to sleep. 

[mandyjw]

I'm continually having dreams about being frustrated. I try to do something I've intended and taken steps to put into action and my plans last minute get ruined by other people. The strange thing is that the things I'm trying to do in my dreams aren't even things I really want. Or do I? 

[mandyjw]

It was satisfying, but the making of this video and watching it come together was a trip. I realize that I am pretty stuck in the duality of how I see and how others see me. The exercise of talking to imagined others while looking at my face and watching it back is a trip. 

The experience of making a video feels like this almost every time. 

I so deeply relate to and love the Grinch. 

It's fun though, seeing myself from a perspective outside myself and imagining how others might see me, and I feel less than whole if I don't find ways to get that experience. Feeling like an idiot and not loving the idiot is the flip side. 

Often we try to help others from the place of, "Oh, I really feel bad for your pathetic situation, here's a solution." How do we think of the Grinch in our minds. Do we think of the Grinch at the start of the story or the end? or do we think of him as a sort of amalgam? The Who's are already self-actualized, yet they are intolerable as characters with the contrast of the Grinch.

 

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

Everything I've done has been a quest to feel good with the realization that feeling good is not what I think it will be. I continually trick myself into thinking about what feels good. 

"Watch your thoughts", Abraham Hick's "Pay attention to how you feel" are the same thing. 

I had a realization now how I go into stories to explain why I'm feeling good. A certain place or person, made me feel good, a memory, a story revolving around an "I". Inevitably there are consequences and backlash created in this. I can surrender, die to bliss not only when I feel bad and want out but also when I'm feeling amazing. 

[mandyjw]

I became conscious of this underlying thing that is and the I tried off and on to own that. 

Then sometimes I tried to berate the I for doing this afterwards. 

 

[mandyjw]

This is Muninn, he'll be coming home with us in about a month. 

[mandyjw]

I was born high. I was taught that high = evil. High = shame. Being high is not safe. So I tried to cover it up and be something else, other than high. That just created suffering for me and everyone around me. My mom said that Leo has "cocaine eyes." To me that's love.

High = Love.

 

[mandyjw]

Made this especially for TruthAddict, but also myself and everyone else.

 

[mandyjw]

Is suffering the root of desire? 

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

Shadow work is the greatest pleasure you'll ever have, your life flashing before your eyes, treasured moments and beloved things from childhood collapse together into the present moment with new understanding, making a beloved and unique newly born "you" with fresh eyes and a new vision. Eyes full of the light of love. 

This used to be my favorite song. In my highschool year book I was a little embarrassed about it but I put it down anyway. 

Heard the song as a child in this movie. I never forgot this scene, and the pool of light.

 

Edited November 20, 2019 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

You could get enlightened, but no one would ever know. 

In an alternate universe, Buddha stayed at the palace and became enlightened anyway. 

[mandyjw]

Only the assertive (forgive me, but I've noticed that it's usually male) ego takes enlightenment and turns it into a goal or a process. Yet this is also love, service and perfection.

My son just asked me if college teachers are smarter than high school teachers? Is it not a beautiful thing to not cash in on your potential, to do work that's beneath you? Is it not a beautiful thing to push the limits of your abilities are far as they can pushed and to receive recognition and inspire others?

 

[mandyjw]

Last night I had a dream/insight. I haven't had one recently. It was just the vision of a white board being wiped clean along with this amazing feeling of perfection. 

 

[mandyjw]

At the very end of meditation today "The Old Man and the Sea" inexplicably came to me. I read it in gradeschool, but that was a long time ago so I listened to it on audiobook today.

"It is easy when you're beaten he thought. I never knew how easy it was. And what beats you? NOTHING" he said. I went out too far. 

Themes throughout the book, his dreaming of lions on the beach, the color purple, being alone, suffering, the love between him and the boy (his student.)

[mandyjw]

A couple weird things happened today, I'm not sure why I like recording these synchronicity type things but I really do. 

I went on a hike this morning. The frost was burning off and I could see my breath slowly dissolve into the air in the bright sunlight. It was surreal. Looong ago there was a farm there, and there are guess what, old apple trees in the woods there. I had an impulse to walk to one but really did not want to. This is a frequent relationship I'm having with impulses. Then I started noticing chickadees singing and more showed up and they all sort of flew to that very tree. So I went to it happily and watched them. One stayed very close to me and I watched it for a while.

My son asked what specific meant in the car on the way to the beach. I couldn't define this for him and had to give examples. "So "a dog" is general, specific is when you say, a medium size black dog with long hair." I thought I might see one later having brought this image to mind and later at the beach someone showed up with a black medium sized long-haired dog. It may have had a tiny bit of white on it. 

At the beach we walked a long way and I realized that we should have been wearing orange because it's hunting season. My mind started imagining us getting shot. "Stop thinking that, you create your reality." A minute later my son found this bizarre rock, it was black with red in an eroded hole that looked exactly like a bullet hole. My daughter picked it up and brought it home with her. It took me another minute to even make the connection.

I couldn't decide if I should gas my car up tonight or not, I was dressed like a slob and didn't want to run into anyone, but I felt like I should. The last time I went to gas up I had an impulse not go, did not listen and I couldn't get to a pump. So tonight I decided to see what would happen and went. The gas station was PACKED, busier than I'd ever seen it, but I got to a pump perfectly when I drove in and watched other cars lined up waiting. 

I cleaned the house for Thanksgiving and found a penny on the floor and got an impulse to google it. This seemed really stupid, as I was busy cleaning the house and it's a penny in terrible condition. My faith was not great but I figured I should have faith and act on it rather than doubt. So when I googled 1994 penny.  There's a rare version (not the penny I found) that has letter missing in the Liberty part, just the i and the b. Liberty is a word that has a lot of meaning to me. What does Lerty spell?, I wondered. It's a town in Virginia where Robert E.Lee was born. Pretty funny to have Abraham Lincoln's profile next to a word that spells the home town of Robert E. Lee. 

 

Edited November 28, 2019 by mandyjw