Clearing Out

[Zigzag Idiot]

Watching the movie Terms of Endearment works for me.

[mandyjw]

@Raptorsin7 I cry pretty easily. Cried a lot yesterday. Just discovering how certain connections with the body in yoga trigger it. Usually it's thoughts that trigger it. 

@Zigzag Idiot Thanks, I've never seen it.

 

Yesterday I listened to this video from Abraham Hicks and couldn't quite grasp what was there but knew it was the beginning of the answer of all my problems which have come right into my face with the closed school and lost daycare, and noticing in comparison to that (ouch) how my husband gets to go to work as normal. I also get jealous of most people here on the forum because it seems to me like they have all kinds of opportunities to do things I can't and I envy their focus. I know that this outlook is limiting and I want to let go of it. I knew when i heard this video that the answer was there but that I'd have to digest it more.

"Females not always but often, (usually) are more observant of the conditions around them than men are. So what happens is women by this habit of observation keep themselves in contradicted energy more often than men do."

(Talks about how working from home can be distracting because of what you're observing there.)

"Women are often very upset with their single minded husband that are so obsessed with something outside the home. And we say it is in many cases a self surviving instinct that they have developed. In other words without even recognizing it they have come to notice that those thoughts of work feel cleared and purer than the nity gritty nitpicking stuff that clutters home life."

"Most people have not done a very good job of identifying their own objects of desire."

 

The word clutter sticks out to me. My spiritual journey started with decluttering my home. It actually did not start with Leo but first Leo Babauta. I started reading his blog when I nursed my newborn son. https://zenhabits.net/archives/ 

The other thing that sticks out to me is the conversation with my friend, who is so tied in with my heart, my life and my journey that it breaks my ideas of a separate self. 

On 3/19/2020 at 1:35 PM, mandyjw said:

Then I moved the screen because I was dialing numbers with my face and accidentally almost bought The Amazing Power of Deliberate Intent by Abraham Hicks. 

She bought me the Marie Kondo book for Christmas years ago. 

Declutter and make intentions. Inner, outer are one. 

Last night I thought about my anger and saw that I was resisting it. There's a lot of contrast right now, for the entire world. It is not to be eliminated but to define desires. That's our power and our joy. 

[mandyjw]

What's the difference between desires and intentions? 

Today I went to the cemetery and I found a grave with this on it, it stuck out at me. "Give her the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her at the gates."  I went back to look at it and when I walked back I noticed and picked up a broken american flag laying on the ground and I remember all the times I had picked up ruined Veterans flags up off the ground with great respect in the cemetery I helped my parents take care of. More synchronicity ensued from this. 

I noticed for the first time something odd about Dr.P's monument. On one corner and only one corner the massive stone base has a perfect rectangle carved out of it, then set perfectly in place. it is the corner toward which he is buried and on which the nightshade grew. Dr.P was both a trained stone mason and a Mason (society). 

The initiate (Entered Apprentice) in Freemasonry is placed in the north-east corner of the Lodge as a figurative foundation stone.[5] This is intended to signify the unity of the North associated with darkness and the East associated with light.[6] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cornerstone

Dr.P is buried in the north east corner. 

It occurred to me to ask some questions and I got answers that always pointed me back to feeling. 

I pulled another ice moon out of the birdbath, cleaning out the dead leaves for the crows as I did.

“Once upon a time, when women were birds,
there was the simple understanding that
to sing at dawn and to sing at dusk
was to heal the world through joy.
The birds still remember
what we have forgotten,
that the world is meant to be
celebrated.”

~Terry Tempest Williams

This is the best thing I saw all day yesterday on my facebook feed, posted by an artist friend. 

"Covid - A Virus
Corvid - A Crow

Jesus Christ on a bicycle, people. ??‍♀️
It's not that hard."

Jesus Christ on a bicycle, I threw a lot of stuff in this journal entry that's been in the works since last night, and it all came together quite well in the end. 

Edited March 22, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

More bicycle and crow associations made me think of this song. 

Don't have no master suite
But I'm still the king of me
You have a fancy ride, but baby
I'm the one who has the key
Every time I turn around
I'm looking up, you're looking down
Maybe something's wrong with you
That makes you act the way you do
Maybe I am crazy too

I'm gonna soak up the sun
Gonna tell everyone
To lighten up
I'm gonna tell 'em that
I've got no one to blame
For every time I feel lame
I'm looking up

[mandyjw]

http://www.masonicdictionary.com/northeast.html

"And God said unto me, Son of Man, stand upon thy feet, and I will speak unto thee. And the spirit entered into me when he spake unto me, and set me upon my feet, that I heard him that spake unto me." Such is the challenge of God to the manhood of man, asking him to stand erect and unafraid, and commune as friend to friend. Alas, it is not easy to keep the upright posture, physically or morally, in the midst of the years with their blows and burdens. At last, a dark Ruffian lays us low in death, and only the Hand of God, with its strong grip, can lift us from a dead level and set us on our feet forever. So, at least, Masonry teaches us to believe and live:

Lord, I believe
Man is no little thing
that, like a bird in spring,
Comes fluttering to the Light of Life,
And out of the darkness of long death.
The breath of God is in him,
And his age long strife
With evil has a meaning and an end.
Though twilight dim his vision be
Yet can he see Thy Truth,
And in the cool of evening,
Thou, his friend, Dost walk with him, and talk
Did not the Word take flesh?
Of the great destiny
That waits him and his race.
In days that are to be
By grace he can achieve great things,
And, on the wings of strong desire,
Mount upward ever, higher and higher,
Until above the clouds of earth he stands,
And stares God in the face.

"SO MOTE IT BE"

[mandyjw]

Joking with my son "I love you so much." He asked me why I said it then. I told him "Love needs no reason."

The words stayed in my head.

reason/nosaer no saer 

saer m (plural seiri)

carpenter mason

[mandyjw]

I had a dream last night that evolved in strange ways. First my kids were getting into someone's house, then we were in the house and I knew that it was the house of a man who owns lots of property here and has a successful insurance company. They got into his desk and journal and I tried to put everything back before he came in. When he did he my husband was there and he was really kind and calm but told him that he wouldn't be able to work with him because the other companies were too awful to work for, and this meant that the family company was done. And I threw a fit and said this was not what I signed up for, my anger was directed at my father in law, who I royally pissed off Friday by sending a message of concern to my mother in law about the office being open. In the dream I threw a mug and saw how ridiculous I seemed right then. 

Thinking about it later I realize that I have always, always been dependent on a man. Daddy, Jesus, husband, my father-in-law because he writes my husband's paycheck, spiritual teachers, the fucking President of the United States, whoever. The fear of money right now and the fact that I can't seem to make my own currently is something I'm having a hard time surrendering to. I feel like a stupid powerless, worthless whore housewife. Why am I turning all of these relationships into something I need to control or feel controlled by? Because when fear and thinking are in bed together they don't make love, they just fuck each other. 

There's one man I don't resent, don't feel controlled by or try to control because I never lived when he did and never met him, yet love him deeply. My ability to feel this way is key to all other relationships, in fact perhaps I created him as an almost blank state of fantasy to show me how to love this way, the way I intended, in a training wheels sort of way. The clue was right here last night. 

11 hours ago, mandyjw said:

no saer 

 He never was. Neither were any of the others. I don't have to fight the circumstances, just feel my connection, not try to control the feeling of fear, the actuality of it with thinking. 

Edited March 23, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Last night I dreamed I was somewhere I'd never been, like a cross country meet from highschool. I was standing in an outdoor shelter and an entire team archery team came in to meet there so I left. They were all men, handsome, looked and acted really professional and put together and they had these beautiful expensive, new bright yellow uniforms. For some reason this stuck out to me. I was floored that there would be a school so rich as to have an organized team like this. 

There have been many moments in my life like this, when I've gone places and realized in stark contrast how "low" my sense of normal and standards are. 

I immediately found my teammate from cross country in highschool. In real life I never had much to do with him, but he is from the town I live in, and at the time I lived in the next over and hated this town, looked down on it and never expected I'd live here. In fact he has the original last name as the founder of the town. He lived in a house beside me for a short time and there's a funny synchronicity with the address. Anyway, I found this teammate and I exclaimed to him about their uniforms and the fact that down here they had an archery team and how wildly advanced and wealthy they were compared to us.

He said nothing but put his arm around me and then the dream turned into a musical.  He sang this powerful song to me and walked me back the the rest of the team which was ready to leave and they all joined in, taking turns singing to me. I didn't know the song but knew the song was by a black woman artist and there were black women on the team (which was never the case in reality). It wasn't a song that exists. Years ago my parents read The Shack which I found good but didn't find it that mind blowing or life transforming but the Christian writer depicts God as a black woman which I always loved. Thinking back about the attitude of this teammate, how he was always confident, which I always read as arrogance, the message of the dream, of what I subconsciously want to embody.

My mom raised me with the message that we were ignorant and disadvantaged. She taught me to reach and strive for more, to be aware of this, which many of my peers never understood enough to see themselves as ignorant and disadvantaged to stop a moment and ask for more. There was a warning against being prideful, like she was always reminding me that she didn't know good manners, was socially awkward, ignorant about many things and didn't possess the skills to teach me otherwise, that if I wanted to "go places" I might find myself embarrassed. 

I made plans to get over some of my small town ways, this spring, I planned to attend an event, learn to drive in the city, etc. I thought this was the the way through. The pandemic has shut down my plans. Maybe I'll learn to love myself where I am first. 

Edited March 24, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Dr. Suess's Green Eggs and Ham is about enlightenment. (yes, I've really lost it, if you haven't already guessed) It's really fucking brilliant. 

Sam I am. Sam is short of course for Samuel, which literally means “Name of God.” “I am Sam” means literally “I Am [The] Name of God.” In Judaism the Name of God (Ha-Shem) is a euphemism for God's Presence. The Name of God is a way of speaking of that which cannot be named.

mason/ nosam no Sam

 

[mandyjw]

co vid

vid is a Sanskrit root meaning "know". It formed the basis for video in Ancient Greek and later Latin. To the East it formed the basis for avidya. In all cases the personal vid meant "knowledge".

The Latin root words vis and its variant vid both mean “see.” These Latin roots are the word origin of a good number of English vocabulary words, including visual, invisible, provide, and evidence.

God is taking his peer amids seriously. 

 

 

[DrewNows]

2 hours ago, mandyjw said:

Dr. Suess's Green Eggs and Ham is about enlightenment. (yes, I've really lost it, if you haven't already guessed) It's really fucking brilliant. 

Sam I am. Sam is short of course for Samuel, which literally means “Name of God.” “I am Sam” means literally “I Am [The] Name of God.” In Judaism the Name of God (Ha-Shem) is a euphemism for God's Presence. The Name of God is a way of speaking of that which cannot be named.

mason/ nosam no Sam

 

that's cool, had no idea but i've always known I share Dr. Seuss's bday 

and yes i think you've totally gone bonkers! (feels good to admit/accept doesn't it)  Most people are just too afraid to admit it when they lost their marbles...like it's actually possible to unknowingly go insane....or is it? 

Lately i've been thinking back to childhood and how i perceived the world around me, sometimes it was as if everyone/thing was enlightened, except me. Crazy how that separation seriously distorts everything...

The boogey man view of this pandemic/ collective pain body(?) or purge lol has been a bit triggering, especially when exposed to info and health perspectives contradicting what is pushed in the mainstream.

https://ytcropper.com/cropped/t05e7972cfacbef?fbclid=IwAR2r82_GONiamK184qPzcvbeMmpM26DKi1pnJ5x16wtxCXuUF6QhCKyRnkE

 

This video and some info was shared in this fb group titled healing diet for cats and dogs, creating more ego games.

You may be interested, the group is about feeding cats/dogs food they were designed to eat so they may live healthy longer lives without the need of treatments/shots from vets. Many older sick dogs are able to self heal through fasting while eating the right diet. Lots of great stories and stuff on there and the group starter has an ebook i haven't purchased but would like to sometime. 

The last video you made relating the open mind and heart has got to be one of my favorite videos, had to go back to it, great stuff, thank you! 

 

Edited March 25, 2020 by DrewNows

[mandyjw]

@DrewNows  I had that feeling after awakening, that everyone had already known and that I was the only one who hadn't gotten it. As a kid I was closed minded and skeptical AF. It's kind of a strange turn that my life has taken.  My best friend is very into optimal pet diets and has been for years. She has raw fed cats now.  I'll keep a close eye on Moo as he gets older. Glad you liked the video. I feel like I have two flow states, one is inspired and high energy and the other is calm and peaceful. Sometimes I still second guess the high energy one for videos. 

 

I accidentally slept in a half hour today and just fit in my meditation session. I've been overeating and wanting to sleep a lot more, dealing with back pain and sciatica a lot. When I feel like this I have lots of dreams but normal dreams. I've only lately been trying to glean lessons from them, based on mostly on how I felt about them and symbolism.  

Last night I dreamed a bunch of strange random scenarios, that were all annoying AF. I was recording things for someone who was doing the business venture I thought was absolutely inane. I was putting my hair into a hair style with shaved sides of my head, just because that was the style and I realized that I hadn't even managed to shave my hair quite right.  There was this boy who was the nonexistent son of my mom's college friend and he was really fun and having a great time and going out of his way encouraging me to do things, but I did everything half halfheartedly. I tried to climb a tree and couldn't figure out what the point was or how to do it. 

I realized the theme was that I was just going along with other people's plans and the flow of life, dissatisfied with everything, and judging everything. 

If I had taken the time to identify what inspired me and made intentions to do that I would have been much more satisfied. It occurs to me that we judge other people and situations because we feel powerless and are avoiding focusing on our own dreams and taking responsibility for our own fulfillment. 

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

The EYE of the storm. 

 

[mandyjw]

 

I've been exhausted lately. 

Weeks ago before I got sick, I had a strange sensation in the back of my head above my neck that felt so familiar. Yet impossible to place or remember a why behind it. This morning during meditation I had a similar sensation that overtook my body and it felt like it was free different from the almost numb losing the body, losing direction of the body feelings I've tapped into before. The body scan I first read about here seems to bring about more integrated, loss/full connection feelings.

 

[mandyjw]

Listening to the Kybalion when I work, after it was suggested by two different people in a short time and the word Hermit, Hermes, Hermetic and variations keep coming up. Last you tube subscriber had Hermet in the name, my sister sent me this message yesterday. I used to have a blog with the word hermit in it. 

"It’s still a rollercoaster for me, but it feels a little less intense; last week I was a little weepy; this week I’m embracing her mutism." then she corrected herself, "Hermitism"

I've spent my entire life trying to convince myself to not worry about germs, not to think about them, obsess over them and to get over social anxiety, the need to distance myself from people and just get out and do things in the world. The current restrictions on life feel very strange, yet super natural to me right now. (Did you just right super natural? Did you just write the word right instead of write? What is happening here???)

edit/tide

Also reading Ask and it is Given, (I'm not sure what collection I bought on kindle but it's confusing to know what book I'm reading out of it, so I wanted the physical copy, especially so I can loan it out after.) 

Flirting with my Kriya yoga book, which has sat and gathered dust for a year. Waiting for intuition to arrive on that.

I adore these cards. The more I read them the less they have to do with money. https://www.amazon.com/Money-Law-Attraction-Cards-60-Card/dp/1401923399/ref=sr_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=abraham+hicks+money&qid=1585394111&sr=8-3

 

Edited March 28, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Selective_mutism

You have brought me
To that moment where words run dry
To that moment where speech disappears into silence
Silence
I have come here
Hardly knowing the reason why

[mandyjw]

silence si lens 

soma- body

psychosomatic - all connotations of this word as negative are "false", by choice, illusion. Intention is everything. Oneness is the actuality.

 

[mandyjw]

42 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

her mutism

And yet another subscriber with the name Herman. 

her man, her meaning (army) man meaning man

Herman Melville

Hermione

heroine 

heroin or heroine?