Clearing Out

[mandyjw]

@DrewNows 

54 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

 Good posture is like complete openness and vulnerability 

This is so true yet so counter-intuitive to me. Sorry for the side note but it's funny I was just talking about this in another thread. My sister is an advanced yoga teacher and tai chi instructor and personal trainer. She always berated me for my posture. I felt judged for it every second. Last week I took off my sweater and she stared at me to see what shape I'm in. It brought back all those feelings. We're connecting more than ever as I understand the importance of connecting with the body and she understands the psychology part, but there's still stuff between us that can be healed. 

59 minutes ago, DrewNows said:

 Id like to hear anything you wish to share regarding living life through stories, connecting with the subconscious, dreaming etc.

I followed my heart, and I discovered the law of attraction which allowed me to even more clearly follow my heart and shortly after my reality "broke". The stories and the subconscious connection came after that. I was not expecting any of it or intentionally did any of it. 

I'm currently studying or wanting to know the answer of how far it's necessary for people to go into past stories. It was part of my path, but it wasn't intentional and I don't want to draw the conclusion that everyone has to do the same thing I did. For me it was an experience of rewriting my past from a new perspective and seeing and feeling how everything was pointing toward awakening. As allowed this stuff seems to bubble up, call it karma clearing or whatever you want. What I don't know is if it bubbled up because it was the last thing I was willing to see, or if it was the only time I was ready to "see". 

It's all love. You have to be on the frequency of love to "see" through pain, to rewrite painful past beliefs.  Sometimes my love leads me into a story, and the clairvoyant doctor story line was basically something I created (without having any physical means to create but unfolded rather) to focus my love and see that love is timeless. It's all law of attraction. I attracted the "assistance" of this unfolding story line in awakening. As far as I understand, or rather I allowed it. It's not about the story, it's about how it makes you feel, what it shows you. 

We are told to be careful of thought stories, rightfully so. These are the stories that we cling to as believing are "real". Yet metaphors, parables and little koans are amazing powerful teachers. The truth of a story is found only in how it makes you feel. I think my going into fantasy and stories that way allowed me to access the higher self. Then the clairvoyant doctor story was both real and fairy tale in my reality, and it helped break the duality. 

What negative energies do you refer to? Negative is our own interpretation. (Not above this, I read too much about corona virus today when I opened an email I was expected was going to be inspiring, not fear mongering and fell into an energetic nose-dive. ) We don't want to be blind to things and ignorant/ignore-ant of them. But it takes practice to hold presence and look a tiger in the eye without screaming. 

 

[mandyjw]

Last night I had a dream which is a recurring one, in which I discover a hidden room in my old house that I forgot was there. The house in the dream is not my house as it is, but it's assumed it's mine and the room changes dream to dream, and usually includes it's own flight of stairs and an upper level. I'm usually intrigued and somewhat afraid of or overwhelmed by this room. Unlike the rest of the house it's unrenovated and probably full of rodents and would be a lot of work to get back to an order in which I could use it and it would be a part of the house again. I usually end the dream not really sure what to do about it. 

 I've never thought to consider how it applies to my life but it's so obvious now. Is the house a metaphor for the brain or the body? Unconscious, subconscious? All of the above as their actually one? 

When we were renovating the house in real life, I found a tiny sealed off "room" while gutting a bedroom and it had it's own wallpaper and someone threw a newspaper in it to make it a time capsule. 

I did a hip flexibility yoga video yesterday and stretched before I mediated today (that should have been a no brainer, HA! ) and meditation was mostly pain free without shifting positions. 

 

 

[DrewNows]

@mandyjw sounds like you have a good sister who looks out for ya. My brother and I have a real strong bond as well. He’s a few years younger and I used to be so tough on him. We even lived together a few times during and after college. At one point I realized our patterns had the habit of limiting potential growth and independence. I know it was just how I felt and reflected my own developmental needs lol. When I see him I still catch myself becoming the judge, breaching boundaries out of habit but I’ve made a lot of progress 

I appreciate your expression of thought stories. I feel they can be divided into conscious and unconscious whether they are about the past or future. Negative energy I guess just equals sneaky judgments. My thoughts can get really polarizing when I’m not feeling congruency in my actions whether from not expressing myself, eating something that causes physical discomfort but gives emotional support, or projecting onto others. I think it can take not only presence but patience and surrendering to rise into the love frequency. I wish to raise emotional maturity so I don’t feel the need to revert into self hate 

My favorite quote of the day: “I don’t wait for the day to make me happy, I make the day happy” —light being 

Edited March 8, 2020 by DrewNows

[mandyjw]

@DrewNows  I LOVE that song, hadn't heard it before. Great quote too. I'm the "little" sister, by four years, so I have the opposite dynamic going on. 

 

Spent the morning unlisting videos from my youtube channel and making ideas for new ones. My self concept was tossed around all over the place this morning as i went back over past videos I've made. There are things to be observed which serve as contrast to helping me go in the direction I want, but sometimes I tell myself other things about that. I started the channel partially because I wanted to write a book, the book that I was inspired to write after finding Leo's channel because I started having feelings that fantasy and making up stories were the only outlet for. I knew that I had to have an audience of some kind if I was going to write a book. I also had the urge to make youtube videos basically ever since seeing this one. My initial vision was not necessarily to be educational.  The purpose of the channel only got real direction a year ago and then I went perhaps a little too far down the rabbit hole for youtube. 

Spent much of the day outside. Not sure if I'm more addicted to being outside or on the computer. Maybe I could just accept that no moment is balanced in itself and balance is a concept that doesn't exist? 

 

[Applegarden]

On 3/7/2020 at 2:35 PM, mandyjw said:

For the past two days I've meditated with an attempt at perfect posture. I've always had bad posture. I've noticed that there's like a fire in my belly which arises and is uncomfortable when my spine is straight. So I always slouch. This fire, I'm starting to realize, is energy and alertness. Though slouching and curling up soothes it, it's also dulling and makes me sleepy. By the end of a meditation session, I'm shaking, energized. I don't have the lovely sleepy daydreams and feelings that I normally do. It feels more like endurance, a continual going back to feeling the actuality of what I want to call "back pain". 

Yes, i have noticed it also, it brigns me phantom pain in the navel center sometimes, when i do straighten out. But keeping the spine relatively straight is a benficial thing, as i also temd to slouch. 

[mandyjw]

@Applegarden Crazy how much of my life I've spent running or shirking from perceived discomfort rather than investigating it. 

 

 

This morning during meditation I noticed off and on how much better it feels to be in the body, feeling the energy field of the body, then when my mind goes into thinking. I spent a day last week watching my thoughts like a hawk and connecting and over and over was surprised by how great that felt when my mind was telling me that I was "giving up" something and I shouldn't like to do that. 

My mom gave me parenting advice last night and said to first connect and then redirect. It struck me how profound "connect and redirect" is, not just for dealing with kids. 

Edited March 9, 2020 by mandyjw

[Applegarden]

Just now, mandyjw said:

This morning during meditation I noticed off and on how much better it feels to be in the body, feeling the energy field of the body, then when my mind goes into thinking. I spent a day last week watching my thoughts like a hawk and connecting and over and over was surprised by how great that felt when my mind was telling me that I was "giving up" something and I shouldn't like to do that. 

I guess this is why yoga works (for example, if you put your body into basic siddhasana but pick one foot and place the back of the foot under the root chakra so it presses, the middle point between genitals and anus; this also keeps me aware, and reduces the feeling of hunger and sexual toughts), also this is why strong determination sitting reduces toughts and shifts your awareness away from the body - because you are just not even attempting to move it. 

Yeah, its crazy how far one can go in this! I wanna pick up some traditional form of yoga.

[mandyjw]

@Applegarden So many connections we never knew about!

 

I've wondered for a while if my deepest darkest dreams and demons are incredibly mundane. They all seem to point to this.

I wrote it down today. To feel in control of kids and house. 

In control of? Really? Don't I already feel like I'm in control of them? How does that feel? Awful. How do I actually want to feel?  APPRECIATIVE of them. I want to feel like I'm on top of things because when I feel like I'm on top of things I feel free to appreciate the kids as they are. I want to have a clean home and be organized because then I feel relaxed and so appreciative of my home and surroundings. I want to feel worthy of being able to do things I want to do, trips, retreats. I want to be able to appreciate all of these things regardless, without condition. It's the feeling I'm after. 

The river I began taking my kids too was not some mystical place although stranger connections may have been made, but simply a place I found where I could truly begin to appreciate. I went there yesterday as they just happily played in the water, the sun reflecting off it almost blindingly, heavenly. 

Good book title idea, "Spiritual Enlightenment for Desperate Housewives"

“If we affirm one moment, we thus affirm not only ourselves but all existence. For nothing is self-sufficient, neither in us ourselves nor in things; and if our soul has trembled with happiness and sounded like a harp string just once, all eternity was needed to produce this one event - and in this single moment of affirmation all eternity was called good, redeemed, justified, and affirmed.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

 

[mandyjw]

And, with THAT realization and moment of clarity, I just manifested two lost Tupperware lids. 

 

[mandyjw]

 

 

[DrewNows]

@mandyjw excellent video  Leo's growing along side us, like everyone else. He totally has the right approach on personal/spiritual development. That pendant is amazing. Tiger's eye  (or eye of sauron from LOR)

hehehe i went through phases where i'd watch youtube video's that would intentionally be triggering until i could fully comprehend the "low conscious" behaviors and perceptions being expressed, like freedom fighter videos or (recently) active self protection. 

Have you seen this video? Just watched it today, loved how most of it has to do with dogs. I can get so triggered when dog owners perceive them as humans. 

 

Edited March 10, 2020 by DrewNows

[allislove]

@mandyjw great video, I am inspired to write how I "met" Leo online 

[mandyjw]

@DrewNows Thank you, can't wait to watch the video. Do you have dogs or have a business dealing with dogs? 

@dimitri I loved reading your story. So glad you found us here. 

 

I got up wanting to journal about this but meditation was really good and now it's weird trying to think at a fast pace again. A lot of my pain is caused by the habit of thought to form a self concept to feel safe or find ground in. The safety and ground is a false promise of these thoughts. A lot of my motivations for doing this is, (well one motivation, fear) worrying about what other people think of me, worrying about being crazy. Last April, after I understood/experienced that there's no me, my behavior changed drastically, it took months to get to the point where I was... here I go again with self concepts. The awakening cost me my self concept, then I tried sometimes to make the awakening into a new self concept which doesn't work out so well because it doesn't jive with anyone else's self concept. 

Maybe if I made or found a community of "awake" people my new self concept would jive then. Nope. That's not what you want. 

As I journaled about in the past, the practice of tonglen came back to me. I made a video about it that I'll post this afternoon. I'm fascinated with how Buddhism teaches a half truth and Abraham Hicks teaches the other one. The three poisons in Buddhism are also the life blood. It makes me mad a little bit, like when I was sitting in church with a fire burning in my heart to speak out and knowing I could not. Yet turning "only focusing on what you want" into a belief has the same effect. If I wasn't still flip flopping between the two, thinking about them rather an being it, maybe I wouldn't react to either. 

It strikes me that my "fuck you" rebellious streak is as essential as it is harmful. 

Tonglen is a meditation that uses the power of my feelings and emotions rather than avoidance of them, which I unconsciously do with thoughts about meditation and conscious breathing sometimes. Since buckling down on meditation, the back pain gets bad at the end, and my thoughts flight around trying to escape it. One breath in, breathe and feel the pain, one breath out breathe out the peace. Often on my out breaths I "go" somewhere. Sometimes to the river. 

Pain is a feeling. Tonglen has evolved to me to simply being breathing into emotions. 

I spent my childhood doing things like reading books about the Holocaust, spending hours working in a cemetery, listening to Elton John and his deep depression and brilliance that shines through his music resonated. Music is such a beautiful analogy, how it builds up and resolves, the minor keys and major keys, how sad songs are beautiful. I know very little about music or making music, but I've always deeply appreciated it. I like it that way.

What we want is to feel completely and not avoid any feeling. 

 

Edited March 11, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Froglessness – poem by Thich Nhat Hanh

The first fruition of the practice
is the attainment of froglessness.

When a frog is put
on the center of a plate,
she will jump out of the plate
after just a few seconds.

If you put the frog back again
on the center of the plate,
she will again jump out.

You have so many plans.
There is something you want to become.
Therefore you always want to make a leap,
a leap forward.

It is difficult
to keep the frog still
on the center of the plate.

You and I
both have Buddha Nature in us.
This is encouraging,
but you and I
both have Frog Nature in us.

That is why
 the first attainment
of the practice—
froglessness is its name.

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

I had a lunch date with my sister today, we ended up going into the cemetery and I showed her Dr.P's grave. After we had a conversation about psychedelics and Leo. I had a dream that connected the two things together, her and Leo, a couple nights ago. She told me that she was against psychedelics, but that she was a prime candidate for them and told me she had trauma from when she was a teenager and started to break down about it. The emotions and the way this came out... the feeling it left me with broke my reality.

Edited March 11, 2020 by mandyjw

[DrewNows]

On 3/11/2020 at 6:20 AM, mandyjw said:

Do you have dogs or have a business dealing with dogs? 

Yes I’ve worked with dogs (walking,boarding,sitting) for 3ish years now using service apps and some personal clients. 

[mandyjw]

@DrewNows Awesome! The Abraham Hicks clip was really good by the way, thank you. I have a nearly 5 month old Vizsla, picked a calm one out of the liter because I know how hyper they are. Still pretty hyper, but SO sweet. He's shaping up to be an amazing dog, super intelligent, super in tune with things and always up for adventure. He's amazing with my son, and they have the same color hair, it's adorable. 

 

So I've been engaging in some panic buying/preparation. Home with a sick kid today, but we still have the regular flu running rampant here. All our Tylenol was out of date so I went out to get some. There was this lady with two carts stocked FULL to the brim with stuff. She was so patient and sweet and commented jokingly on how stuff was starting to fall out of her cart. As we went to checkout she told me to go ahead because she had so much stuff to ring through. I feel like the world is conspiring to completely mind fuck the judgement center of my brain. Careful what you wish for, cause you might just get it.

 

 

 

Edited March 13, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

I shared this on my facebook page,

Regarding coronavirus, “All shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.” -Julian of Norwich

 

I doubt anyone except me knows that she had a deep love awakening during a serious illness. 

co·ro·na noun

1. ASTRONOMY

the rarefied gaseous envelope of the sun and other stars. The sun's corona is normally visible only during a total solar eclipse, when it is seen as an irregularly shaped pearly glow surrounding the darkened disk of the moon.

2. ANATOMY

a part of the body resembling or likened to a crown.

Edited March 14, 2020 by mandyjw

[SilentTears]

3 hours ago, mandyjw said:

No one except me knows that she had her awakening during a serious illness. 

*looks around public fourm* 

I think the secrets out Mandy...

hahah I'm joking, I understand that you meant on your Facebook page.

have a wonderful day, and thank you for sharing about your experiences in your latest videos