Clearing Out

[mandyjw]

What's the difference between ignorance and innocence? 

Self judgement with implied standards and expectations. Self Love. 

Edit. Desire. Ignorance is a mirror. The observer of ignorance sees ignorance where there is innocence but desires wisdom, ignorant that it sees its own innocence and innocent of its own desire to know itself, so that it can love fully. How beautiful are we? 

 

Edited February 16, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Love is Knowledge. Knowledge is Love. 

OHHHH. Oh. Oh. 

Oh. 

Nope, never mind, I have no idea.

 

[mandyjw]

I shouldn't have had to journal a bunch of fuckery to get these insights. <   My willingness to see "fuckery" as the profound is key. 

I have been very fond of the word "fuckery" ever since I first heard it. (Is this thought necessary, or more fuckery?) 

There is no I and no fuckery. As much as I love the word, the judgment behind it doesn't feel good. 

Fuckery = "God works in mysterious ways."

There we go. Glad to rewrite that belief. Can I still use the word fuckery?

Do you still use the word God? 

 

Awakening and spiritual work isn't what I "thought" it would be. NO SHIT SHERLOCK.

I am ignoring my business and responsibilities for spiritual pursuits into crazy land.  < I've never been so fucking inspired and fulfilled.

The house is a little messy.  <  You have the ability to focus and nothing is "ignored", out of reach or not taken care of. 

38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one.[f] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

 

 

 

Edited February 16, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Last night I dreamed that I called my brother in law and he thought I was someone else and started talking about these strange things and seemed very disturbed. I interrupted him and told him who I was and he said he couldn't talk to me then. 

I have really strange karmic or energetic history with him. He is incredibly smart and charming, but he can go back and forth from being a completely lazy selfish asshole to being the most charming intelligent person you've ever encountered. He never treated my husband very good. When we first started dating he got really mean to him. A couple years things improved and later he cast a sort of spell on me (*cough* *cough*) and I started being flirtatious with him. The memory of this brings out such self judgement it feels like a rock in my stomach and the urge to throw up. I guess this is why these sort of egoic fantasies arise, because we think we live in reality, and these kinds of situations with the attraction energy behind them, bring out the repressed desires we aren't letting ourselves have and live and be and know as one and already fulfilled. 

I have this projection of him that swings from attraction to complete aversion. This seems par for the course now. 

Later after my husband's parents got the devilish/charming Pastor and shunned him for the last year of college, my brother in law was just starting a relationship with their eldest daughter, as the Pastor got kicked out and that fell apart. All his family remember who were forbidden to speak to him made contact with him again. His brother didn't. He said nothing. We got married, and his brother wasn't asked to be in the wedding at all. 

Later I must have had a dream about him and wrote out a long...

Holy Fuck. I've left a trail of words everywhere. For years I've avoided messaging him on Facebook because I knew all the old messages would be there. That feeling in my stomach wouldn't let me read them again. What did I write?

The first message I'd forgotten entirely, an extremely looooong account of what happened with Jon and his parents. It was innocent entirely and trying to resolve his relationship with Jon. I signed in "Love in Christ"

Along with this Easter egg. 

Proverbs 27:5. Better is open rebuke than hidden love.

"There is a proverb that says open rebuke is better than hidden love. Love is meant to be shown. I personally don’t think it’s possible to totally ignore someone and love them at the same time."

His response was even longer and sent in email. I guess that's been deleted. 

The second thing I said was a clarification of something that I simply over thought. Completely innocent. My own guilt and self judgement made an innocent situation into one I felt awful about. Why did I think my messages were anything to be embarrassed about? 

Ohhh... I see why I needed to do this now. 

In the past few years he was hired as part of the family company after having no interest in it previously. I found this extremely suspicious, threatening and inconvenient to me. It ended up being an enormous mess and blowing up entirely so that he left. I made it an internal drama in my mind and tried to get my husband to do and say things to control the situation but he held fast and did nothing and waited it out. 

After getting into spirituality more recently, I decided to teach myself to swim in the ocean. The water is extraordinarily cold here, and these experiences have been some of the most memorable and spiritual ones. On a trip to the beach with my in laws I went too far in the waves and got knocked down and swept under. I've wrote about that day before.

"At first I was resisting the cold water so I walked into the water slowly. The waves were so strong you had to carefully watch for them, try to predict them, brace yourself for them and bury your feet in the sand. Some of them were simply too strong and you had judge them from a distance and retreat. After playing this game too long, one got me, I got swept under, it slammed me against the sand so hard I was bleeding. That's how I learned that if you want to swim in the waves you have to jump in and swim, and then you just fucking float and bob along with the waves."

On the day this happened my brother in law was sitting dry on the beach with his wife and kid and at the time I was wearing this baseball cap, it was light green with pink flamingos on it. After I got swept under it was gone. I tried to get it back as the waves kept bringing it back, and taking it back out again just out of my reach, but it was incredibly difficult and I was still kind of shocked and embarrassed, so I gave up. I did not notice that the entire time my brother in law had been watching closely and was looking for it as well. He got it back for me even getting kinda soaked in the process. 

This was maddening to me. I was so inherently charmed and appreciative, by someone who's guts I hated. All my conflicting emotions were present and I didn't know how to think or feel anymore. 

No assertion. All self judgment. It's really truly quite... stunning. 

I googled the meaning of his name. It's exactly the same as my husband's name. 

"Gift from God."

 

I had another dream which showed to me the embarrassment I sometimes feel about my husband. No assertion. Need to control/self judgement. Lots of complicated yet very simple fragmentation going on there. This topic was discussed by Laura Doyle, and made me feel a lot better and understand how it's self created. 

 

 

 

Edited February 17, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

THIS IS THE ENTIRE PURPOSE OF CONFESSION. To see that shame is imposed on oneself, that suffering is self created.

[mandyjw]

On 2/11/2020 at 10:09 AM, mandyjw said:

Were the branches magic? Or did they allow you to focus? What happened to Peter when he was walking on water and became aware of the strong wind? Can't you see the true teacher or guru is the insignificant tree branch? The moment that the guru or student imagines the guru himself to be a strong upholding force of his own inherent accord, his true purpose as a teacher has disappeared. Do you want to have the strong tree to lean on? Or do you want to be the focus that takes you all the way across the water?  Do you need to be the strong tree for others who holds them "safely" in their place or the illusory soft branch that mysteriously serves in the awakening of Love, already residing in the heart?

Last night I listed to the Owl City "Fire Flies" song above. My daughter always picks out her book that I read her before bed. She picked "The Bug Book" which I love. I noticed for the first time that it's by Sue Fliess and wondered if that was a pen name or real. I was looking inside the cover because i thought I might find an answer there and the dedication struck me and brought tears to my eyes. 

"To Dad, for teaching me to love even the tiniest of creatures --SF"

Teaching love? 

There's one thing I said to my brother in law that I've always regretted and felt awful about. I said it as a put down to my husband.

"You know what they say, those who can, do and those who can't teach." 

You don't know how many times I've thought about saying that now that I've uncovered my desire to teach.

So can you teach love? 

21 hours ago, mandyjw said:

Love is Knowledge. Knowledge is Love. 

OHHHH. Oh. Oh. 

Oh. 

Nope, never mind, I have no idea.

Can you do? Can you love? Can you teach? 

 

[mandyjw]

 

JOINED February 14, 2016 https://www.actualized.org/forum/profile/2261-mandyjw/ 

I joined on Valentine's Day? That's funny. Especially considering my current avatar which came to me in a vision. And the thing I did on Valentine's Day.  

"Saint Valentine (Italian: San Valentino, Latin: Valentinus) was a widely recognized 3rd-century Roman saint, commemorated in Christianity on February 14. From the High Middle Ages his Saints' Day has been associated with a tradition of courtly love."

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Courtly_love

"Courtly love was a medieval European literary conception of love that emphasized nobility and chivalry. Medieval literature is filled with examples of knights setting out on adventures and performing various deeds or services for ladies because of their "courtly love". This kind of love is originally a literary fiction created for the entertainment of the nobility, but as time passed, these ideas about love changed and attracted a larger audience. In the high Middle Ages, a "game of love" developed around these ideas as a set of social practices. "Loving nobly" was considered to be an enriching and improving practice.[1][2]

Courtly love began in the ducal and princely courts of Aquitaine, Provence, Champagne, ducal Burgundy and the Norman Kingdom of Sicily[3] at the end of the eleventh century. In essence, courtly love was an experience between erotic desire and spiritual attainment, "a love at once illicit and morally elevating, passionate and disciplined, humiliating and exalting, human and transcendent".[4]

The term "courtly love" was first popularized by Gaston Paris and has since come under a wide variety of definitions and uses. Its interpretation, origins and influences continue to be a matter of critical debate."

WHEW. 

When I got up this morning, I didn't want to journal about my brother in law. Couldn't see how it connected. How funny that seems now. 

I'm off to the river. Surely to the see. 

Edited February 17, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

In 1936 C. S. Lewis wrote The Allegory of Love further solidifying courtly love as a "love of a highly specialized sort, whose characteristics may be enumerated as Humility, Courtesy, Adultery, and the Religion of Love".

"Allegory is common in the romantic literature of the Middle Ages, and it was often used to interpret what was already written. There is a strong connection between religious imagery and human sexual love in medieval writings.

The tradition of medieval allegory began in part with the interpretation of the Song of Songs in the Bible. Some medieval writers thought that the book should be taken literally as an erotic text; others believed that the Song of Songs was a metaphor for the relationship between Christ and the church and that the book could not even exist without that as its metaphorical meaning. Still others claimed that the book was written literally about sex but that this meaning must be "superseded by meanings related to Christ, to the church and to the individual Christian soul".[27]

Marie de France's lai "Eliduc" toys with the idea that human romantic love is a symbol for God's love when two people love each other so fully and completely that they leave each other for God, separating and moving to different religious environments.[28] Furthermore, the main character's first wife leaves her husband and becomes a nun so that he can marry his new lover.[29]

Allegorical treatment of courtly love is also found in the Roman de la Rose by Guillaume de Lorris and Jean de Meun.[30] In it, a man becomes enamored with an individual rose on a rosebush, attempting to pick it and finally succeeding. The rose represents the female body, but the romance also contains lengthy digressive "discussions on free will versus determinism as well as on optics and the influence of heavenly bodies on human behavior".[30]" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Courtly_love

I FORGOT about SONG OF SONGS.

[mandyjw]

 

As we got to the river my daughter started saying "Echo, echo! I love you!" Then "Come here boy!". She pretended that my son was a dog. 

"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar." "Close, but no cigar." 

I knocked huge chunks of ice off and floated them down the river. One got stuck on a rock and I watched it stay there a while, until another large piece scraped into it knocking if off the rock and they both floated freely. 

May the wine go straight to my beloved,
    flowing gently over lips and teeth.
10 I belong to my beloved,
    and his desire is for me.
11 Come, my beloved, let us go to the countryside,
    let us spend the night in the villages.[c]
12 Let us go early to the vineyards
    to see if the vines have budded,
if their blossoms have opened,
    and if the pomegranates are in bloom—
    there I will give you my love.
13 The mandrakes send out their fragrance, 
    and at our door is every delicacy,
both new and old,
    that I have stored up for you, my beloved.

If only you were to me like a brother,
    who was nursed at my mother’s breasts!
Then, if I found you outside,
    I would kiss you,
    and no one would despise me.
2 I would lead you
    and bring you to my mother’s house—
    she who has taught me.
I would give you spiced wine to drink,
    the nectar of my pomegranates.
3 His left arm is under my head
    and his right arm embraces me.
4 Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you:
    Do not arouse or awaken love
    until it so desires.

"Because mandrakes contain deliriant hallucinogenic tropane alkaloids and the shape of their roots often resembles human figures, they have been associated with a variety of superstitious practices throughout history. They have long been used in magic rituals, today also in contemporary pagan traditions such as Wicca and Odinism.[2]" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mandrake

Under the apple tree I roused you;
    there your mother conceived you,
    there she who was in labor gave you birth.
6 Place me like a seal over your heart,
    like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
    its jealousy[a] unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
    like a mighty flame.
7 Many waters cannot quench love;
    rivers cannot sweep it away.
If one were to give
    all the wealth of one’s house for love,
    it[c] would be utterly scorned.

 

Edited February 17, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Revelations also talks about seven secret seals. See, see, see? What are the secret seven seals? The seven chakras. 

What's the 6th chakra? The third eye. The sixth sense. That's why there are three sixes, 6 6 6 see?

The first few years of my life when my parents went to church and were closely involved with the pastor. They had a son my age and we always had a wildly fun time together. His last name was Leon. One day in church, I had had all the boredom could take and convinced him to come up to the pulpit with me, mid sermon. 

This side of me has come up time and time again, and I have shamed myself for it. 

Religion and attraction have always in my heart been my deepest passion and desire, and they have always been intermixed. The shame was because I thought there should be strong separation between them. 

But it's all allegory. I was trying to enforce the wrong separation. Like there is shame and stigma with a psychedelic, because of its potential to be misused without proper Understanding or intentions this "path" is shamed and my shame. Misunderstood. I'm only understanding it now.

Fuckery = "God works in mysterious ways."

Care killed the cat.  What happens when self judgment is removed? When one becomes a child again? 

 

Edited February 17, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

OMG, there's a TYPO in the lyrics! No mistakes.

Dreams to Dream

Linda Ronstadt

I lose my way
No one cares
The words I say
No one hears
My life it seems is a world of dreams
Deep in the night
You'll find me
Dream and you're right behind me
Stay...if you will stay
We'll dream the night away
Dreams to dream
In the dark of the night
When the world goes 'round
I can still make it right
I can see so far in my dreams
I'll follow my dreams until they come true
There is a star
Waiting to guide us
Shining inside us
When we close our eyes
Come with me
You will see what I mean
There's a world insight
No one else ever sees
You will go so far in my dreams
Somewhere in my dreams
Your dreams will come true
Don't let go
If you stay close to me
In my dreams tonight
You will see what I see
Dreams to dream
As near as can be
Inside you and me
Will always come true
Inside you and me
That always come true

 

Edited February 17, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Thanks tarot cards. I'll try to stop being SO FUCKING DRAMATIC all the time. I know you're really telling me to love myself more, and fragment myself less but goddamn it. Who are you to say that melodrama is a bad thing? 

Never said that. Who felt that? 

Well, it's really fucking sexist you know, playing into the "emotions are weak" card, and implying that you're supposed to put your nose the grindstone and only care about your own fucking life, and not get absorbed with other people and men do this so much better so therefore they are better.

Is there male and female?

This is real mind-fuck, you know it?

It's not a bug but a feature.

Fuckery. Fuckery. Everywhere. 

What is love and attraction? Why do you think the law of attraction was such a breakthrough for you?

If it's one but two it has to come together. Somehow.

It appears that way within the story, it's already whole and you already are that. It's DONE. What do you keep digging up, the lesson that keeps repeating itself, what did you realize this morning?

That the things I shame and embarrass myself for the most are all out of my desire to integrate myself. Out of love.

Stop the shame and you'll Love. It's all fear. What song did I play for you twice on Valentine's Day? 

 

You know that song lyrics are written to be OPEN to interpretation, (like tarot cards and astrology) and to be EMOTIONAL PORNOGRAPHY, DON'T YOU? Especially like, Drake. And stuff they play on the radio for the mindless masses. It's really fucking embarrassing. Fuckery. Melodrama. 

*Giant Face palm*  Do you see? Who is it that has a problem with disowning emotions and open-mindedness? What's the difference between emotions and intelligence?

REALLY FUCKING INCONVENIENT, doncha think? 

It's so convenient, it's already done. By the way, I wrote that song just for You.

 

 

Edited February 18, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

I want to heal and integrate myself so I split myself into personalities and talk to myself? What am I now, a connoisseur of various mental illnesses?

Grasping at the bottom of the barrel for a self concept now are we? 

HA! You think you know ME? By the way when do I get proper credit for my sheer brilliance? 

Go stare into the sun all day for a week. Maybe then. 

Very funny. Well, what am I supposed to do, you took away my ability to blame other people in the previous conversation. Who is left to blame? 

For what? 

 

 

 

[mandyjw]

You know what one of my greatest fears is? That people in my real life will discover my youtube channel. That they'll know how deep I've gone down this rabbit hole. 

What do I want most of all? The very same thing. 

[mandyjw]

I will think of everything bad that anyone can possibly think about me BEFORE THEY CAN THINK IT. I will also make myself feel bad about it, so that when they voice the same thoughts I can be in good practice to feel bad about myself, only this time with a proper excuse to feel that way. 

It struck me last night, how much from a really young age I always loved the cartoon strip Calvin and Hobbes and how my writing reflects that. The strip can't be funny or profound without either character, in fact someone already made a joke about that, Calvin minus Hobbes or Garfield minus Garfield illustrates this.  

"Calvin minus Hobbes portrays a child's possible madness" https://comicsalliance.com/calvin-minus-hobbes/

"Perhaps the most unsolvable mystery, however, pertains to Bill Watterson's "Calvin & Hobbes" and whether its protagonists were living in a world of magical mystery or simply pure imagination."

Well then, isn't that a conundrum? I'm sure it's either or. 

Hobbes is drawn in two ways. When around adults he is just a tiger doll with a slightly floppy head, but to Calvin he's real. Bill Waterson never allowed copyrights to be sold for merchandise and so you cannot buy a Hobbes doll. I sewed my son one when he was really young. I made him to look like the doll, not the real Hobbes. 

What would the strip be without Calvin? Who is the wise man without an ego to subdue? A lifeless doll? An I doll? 

I've always known there's no me and that I have always been playing characters in reaction to other people. Around the crazy irresponsible friend I'm wise and responsible. Around the humorless focused intellectual I devolve (whew, look at the self-judgement in word choice there!)  into crazy antics and hilarity. Sometimes I meet them where they are. In addition, to make myself crazy, I had a very strong belief that one must be true to themselves, which was partly wise and partly based on having to stick to a self concept of "myself." All the judgmental thoughts made interaction with others so painful I avoided other people. Alone, there's much less need for self concepts, and yet in a way, the self concept also strengthens. 

I'm meeting someone today and watching the projections and fragmentation around it. It presents as a general dis ease which I attribute to nerves and usually accept and tolerate. Acceptance is not what I want, curiosity is.

Unhappy with myself for how I wasn't settling into a deeper state during meditation this morning I told myself "die!" and immediately saw the complete hilarity in it and laughed and laughed and laughed. 

The Eckhart Tolle insight keeps coming to mind, "Are there two of me?"

Laughter has always been profound to me, and I've always loved how having others join in with you just magnifies it so much.

I remember the time this happened in the most dramatic way, years ago. My sister was telling a story of a classmate who sponsored a child in another country and unexpectedly got a letter that the child had run away. It's truly sad and tragic, but the way this came about and was presented just escalated into complete hilarity, made even stronger by the fact that we weren't supposed to be laughing about it at all. The feeling in the stomach, the way tears just flow from your eyes... it is only a concern of the judging mind whether the experiencer is profoundly sad or happy. By the end of a good laugh, you won't know yourself. 

 

Edited February 18, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

https://www.scoopwhoop.com/Life-Lessons-Calvin-And-Hobbes/

Edited February 18, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Can't stop thinking about the last thing he says in this video. Also noticing how he misspeaks. 

No mistakes. 

[mandyjw]

When I was 15 I made a huge effort to go out into the realm of relationships and deep interest in other people, (an attempt to develop and explore my extroverted side). Because of my lack of understanding I internalized and misunderstood the situations I was attracting and so I switched my focus  back to become quiet, introverted and very hardworking. I also accepted these as values, because they to me, prevented pain and confusion and were therefore good in my mind. They were safe. 

I remember a couple strange instances, outside of the heartbreaking moments. There was this girl on the bus, I can't remember her well, but she was new and rode the same bus I did for a short time. She sat near me. She was so interesting to me, that she burned herself into my mind for that time. There's no external reason or story behind it to explain this interest whatsoever. The only characterstic out of the ordinary i remember is that her hair was a reddish color. I never spoke to her. I didn't want anything from her, wasn't attracted to her, wasn't inspired and didn't want to be like her, (the usual reason behind my deep interest and fascination in other women), wasn't jealous of her, it was just the character she exuded that simply and deeply fascinated me.

This happened frequently with boys but my mind usually came up with some sort of reason, (attraction, desire, fantasy) to explain it. There was one boy who I had this sort of fascination with that I never felt those things with. Again he burned himself into my mind. At the time I was reading Hatchet by Gary Paulsen and this boy became Brian. 

I guess thinking back now that this happened on more occasions than these. This deep interest and feeling of fascination with no reason behind it and no egoic motives just arose. If I questioned it, I thought I was crazy and not interesting enough to be interested in my own life. 

This was a common theme. "Stay on your own page" is incredible wisdom when it comes to managing the ego, but higher states don't have their own page to stay on.

Before I knew what meditation was, I shamed myself for meditative and egoless states often wondering if I were crazy. After meditation and presence became a goal I shamed myself for the opposite. 

Enlightenment is no shame. 

 

Edited February 18, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

53 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

This happened frequently with boys but my mind usually came up with some sort of reason, (attraction, desire, fantasy) to explain it. There was one boy who I had this sort of fascination with that I never felt those things with. Again he burned himself into my mind. At the time I was reading Hatchet by Gary Paulsen and this boy became Brian. 

I guess thinking back now that this happened on more occasions than these. This deep interest and feeling of fascination with no reason behind it and no egoic motives just arose. If I questioned it, I thought I was crazy and not interesting enough to be interested in my own life. 

As the goldfinch on my dream board, the thing, the "symbol" I picked out of the bliss experience, out of the field of vision of the literal expansive field of buttercups I ran by, focus is creation and God focuses. 

"So when you are alert and contemplate a flower, crystal, or bird without naming it mentally, it becomes a window for you into the formless. There is an inner opening, however slight, into the realm of spirit. This is why these three "en-lightened" life-forms have played such an important part in the evolution of human consciousness since ancient times; why, for example, the jewel in the lotus flower is a central symbol of Buddhism and a white bird, the dove, signifies the Holy Spirit in Christianity. "- Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth

OR another person. The Image of God. 

If you love, you'll see the current perfection of them.