Clearing Out

[mandyjw]

On 2/11/2020 at 10:09 AM, mandyjw said:

Do you want to have the strong tree to lean on? Or do you want to be the focus that takes you all the way across the water?  Do you need to be the strong tree for others who holds them "safely" in their place or the illusory soft branch that mysteriously serves in the awakening of Love, already residing in the heart?

Skilled, Deadicated, the Grateful Dead

If my words did glow with the gold of sunshine
And my tunes were played on the harp unstrung
Would you hear my voice come through the music
Would you hold it near as it were your own?

It's a hand-me-down, the thoughts are broken
Perhaps they're better left unsung
I don't know, don't really care
Let there be songs to fill the air

Ripple in still water
When there is no pebble tossed
Nor wind to blow

Reach out your hand if your cup be empty
If your cup is full may it be again
Let it be known there is a fountain
That was not made by the hands of men

There is a road, no simple highway
Between the dawn and the dark of night
And if you go no one may follow
That path is for your steps alone

Ripple in still water
When there is no pebble tossed
Nor wind to blow

You who choose to lead must follow
But if you fall you fall alone
If you should stand then who's to guide you?
If I knew the way I would take you home

Edited February 12, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

I have a habit of pulling my legs into my chest when I meditate to relieve back pain. I try not to do it and work with guilting myself for it. Maybe it's not a bug but a feature? Hmm... 

Anyway I was doing yoga this morning and it ended up a posture laying down pulling your legs into you chest. I wasn't thinking about it or what I looked like, but as I did I looked back up through the glass at the sky at the beautiful clouds (I accidentally typoed clowns, how appropriate!?) and saw the figure of woman. In an odd position. She was pulling her legs into her chest. 

55 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

I'm realizing how the Harry Potter books were about as important to me as Christianity, and as "true" as, the stunning way that things that are overlooked connect are are seen in the end of the books and the underlying theme of courage keeps coming to mind. 

I lost my diamond earrings that I wear all the time, still can't find them and got some crescent moon earrings to replace them yesterday. I feel like Luna Lovegood. ‘Wit beyond measure is man’s greatest treasure,’ “You're just as sane as I am.” 

 

 

Right outside this lazy summer home
You ain't got time to call your soul a critic no
Right outside the lazy gate of winter's summer home
Wondering where the nut-thatch winters
Wings a mile long just carried the bird away

Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world
The heart has it's beaches, it's homeland and thoughts of it's own
Wake now, discover that you are the song that the morning brings
But the heart has it's seasons, it's evenings and songs of it's own

There comes a redeemer, and he slowly too fades away
And there follows his wagon behind him that's loaded with clay
And the seeds that were silent all burst into bloom, and decay
And night comes so quiet, it's close on the heels of the day

Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world
The heart has it's beaches, it's homeland and thoughts of it's own
Wake now, discover that you are the song that the morning brings
But the heart has it's seasons, it's evenings and songs of it's own

Sometimes we live no particular way but our own
And sometimes we visit your country and live in your home
Sometimes we ride on your horses, sometimes we walk alone
Sometimes the songs that we hear are just songs of our own

Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world
The heart has it's beaches, it's homeland and thoughts of it's own
Wake now, discover that you are the song that the morning brings
But the heart has it's seasons, it's evenings and songs of it's own

[mandyjw]

All own, alone, all one

heart hear it? 

"The more we are able to identify positive-negative movement of thought-self (fragmented action in movement), the greater awareness to that contradictory movement, the more complete-unlimited actions will be expressed as a result. 

In seeing-understanding the whole of what is incoherent, there is complete action in which brings about coherent action.

To understand that which is disorder, is action in and of itself, in which manifests as ORDER, (INTELLIGENT ACTION). 

This holistic insight/perception is intelligent action, which is whole, (not influenced by fragmentation). "

 

I want to phrase/interpret this in my own words. I don't know why. 

The more we connect with sensations (pay attention to how we feel), abide in awareness and understand how our thoughts and feelings are linked, the more we act from the heart, holistically. 

In seeing the inherent oneness of duality itself, (confusion, chaos and illness) one sees, understands and intuitively "moves" toward order and healing. 

 

I have SO MUCH gratitude for Leo. The desire for actualization, knowledge and understanding that he both fuels and fills in one action is the catalyst for understanding. You must love it, nourish it, grow it, give birth to your Self.

 

 

 

[Lento]

[mandyjw]

@Lento

[mandyjw]

THAT'S what I was questioning. 

JESUS H Christ. Jesus headless Christ. Holy. Holey. Whole. Whole. Who? Who? 

On the drive to pick up my daughter I started thinking of this word play and then some bird shadow work which came full circle. When I was a kid I didn't like or care for birds. We had a pet parakeet named Pete. Pete started molting and I found this REVOLTING. It was a strong visceral visual reaction to all the little pin head feathers coming in. My mother covered the cage with a towel so I couldn't see him. Poor bird. My sister thought I was ridiculous. 

I experienced the same reaction to the seeds inside a pepper and much later in life found that there's a name for it. I googled it again and basically it's fear of holes. https://www.verywellmind.com/trypophobia-4687678

Clusters of bubbles, seeds, fractals, and Indra's net comes to mind again. Fear of emptiness, fear of the infinite? 

So the fear of birds became conscious to me in my early 20's. In another small town hick girl meets NYC unprepared trope like story, the fucking pigeons in central park terrified me and I went running and screaming when they all went flying over my head at once. I later started to look at owl pictures up close and became fascinated by how terrifying and dinosaur like they were. After reading the power of now, the "I am light" insight, I started reframing in my mind symbolism, the symbolism of the cross, horizontal meets vertical dimensions and the name "Light on Earth" name came to me for my youtube channel when i had originally intended my videos to be about minimalist and frugal living. 

Birds seemed the symbolic "light on earth" to me and I started to notice birds more and more around me. A few years ago before a blizzard having never seen an owl in the wild before, a barn owl flew RIGHT over my head. He then stood on a electric pole and I watched him a while. I really loved it and posted about it on my Facebook page, asking where my Hogwarts invitation letter was. 

Who? Who? 

This morning two bald eagles flew low across the road and on the way back through as I was thinking about my history with birds one flew across again. I see you and love you, buddy, in all your terrible beauty. 

Edited February 13, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Today my friend sent me a video about the subject everyone has been buzzing about lately, about not having an inner monologue. As I watched it I realized that I have a VERY STRONG internal monologue. The past OCD and the awakening seems to come through as a verbal voice I "hear" without hearing. I remember playing with trucks in the sand pile at home as a young child and pretending like I had a show and an audience and turned the entire thing isn't some sort of education/entertainment fuckery while I narrated. 

Ahem. Hi guys.  Shhh... you don't actually exist. 

This immediately reminded me of possum lady and her "Linda Sherwood got Cinderella, and I got narrator" "Well try to impress other kids by saying "I'm the narrator." 

A bunch of self-judgment and judgment was going on in my head concerning my friend, today we ended up talking on the phone for hours after we talked about the video. One of the subjects we talked a lot about was self judgment and she told me she is amazed by some of the things I say and feels that her response is lack luster, and I told her that I assumed she just thought I was completely crazy when that happened. *face palm*

WHY DO WE DO THIS TO EACH OTHER???

It reminded me of something that my aunt said when we went through Grammie's house a couple weeks ago. My Grandmother ended up by strange circumstances of having just a little over the limit on her life insurance to pay for her funeral, which made her ineligible for nursing home care. She absolutely hated being outside of her house AND as if the universe were aligning to give her her way which ended up perfect in the end, the entire family ended up caring for her. She passed away in her own bed, in the home she almost never left. At the time everyone was horrified and stressed out because they didn't realize that she was that close to making her transition at the time the nursing home rejected her. She went through swings of being antagonistic and peaceful, and another strange previous conversation with my aunt (uncles wife, no blood relationship) showed me that this was mirroring her caregiver's attitude. 

Her own daughters, my aunt and mother seemed to have the worst time with it. At the time, this time last year, I felt very cut off from my family because Mom was so stressed and busy and I was no help having two young children. My aunt said that she was jealous of my mother during this time, because she was so patient with their Mom and she couldn't understand whys eh couldn't be as patient as mom. She said that she prayed about it and asked for patience (this aunt is very religious). She said she mentioned feeling this way to my cousin who said that she admired how SHE was with her and wished SHE could be this way, and my other aunt echoed this feeling about my cousin. So the entire time, everyone was comparing, feeling as if they were lacking, and also simultaneously admiring different qualities in one another. 

The incredible transcendent thing we really want is to admire and be inspired, without the comparison, or the "how do I fit in?", "if that's you, what does that make me?" It has struck me that when I do belly dance workouts or lessons, I simultaneously look at the teacher, with her perfect body and perfect technique and look at myself in the mirror trying to learn and follow along. This is the perfect scenario for a whole PLETHORA of judgement and comparison. Not only am I connecting mind and body, I'm practicing to learn and become without thought of point A and point B. 

I had an intuition I had a hard time following through today. I eventually went ahead and did it (fuel up my car before it needed it). I didn't see how it would benefit me, but while I was filling the gas tank I thought about how more and more it just seems as if I am creating where I am and this is ok. I could have waited until tomorrow to gas up but I'm doing it TODAY, OH MY GOD what a tragedy. I see how rigid and controlling I am of my life and my schedule and my intentions, how heavy the weight of time is, and oh, it is tiring. The story and the judgment of what I should be doing and why is falling away. These intuitions destroy your unconscious autopilot and sense of structure, habits and premade decisions, and require self love and lack of judgement to accept. 

Edited February 13, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Truth is alive? Love is alive? Oooooo.... yes. Always changing, always dynamic and yet... never moving. 

 

 I went to go listen the the old country song The Judd's Love is Alive that I know so well and found this instead, was going to skip over it but intuition said otherwise, and wow what a song. It's NEW it's NEW, it's ALIVE, it's always NEW!!! Of course! 

Edited February 13, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Elohim? a name for God used frequently in the Hebrew Bible. spelled backwards mihole  

2 hours ago, mandyjw said:

JESUS H Christ. Jesus headless Christ. Holy. Holey. Whole. Whole. Who? Who? 

Oh that's just too much. It sounded so REGAL until I mirrored the word. 

God, you're so fucking INAPPROPRIATE, just stop ok? Jesus. 

btw regal spelled backward is lager. We already knew God was a drunk though. Water into wine, mm yup. 

Edited February 14, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

I just wanna go where love is alive
I just wanna go where love is alive

Only the chaos surrenders
Changing the currents and tide
The water can keep getting deeper
'Cause I'll be right here staying dry

The thread I was reading was just discussing chaos! I also wrote on my dream board something that ties in with this so beautifully. reversing tides

My husband came home with yellow lilies for me, he said he didn't think about the color, it was the first the lady at the shop suggested. I was telling my friend about the connection with the color yellow today and sent her a photo of the dream board on the yellow wall. He looked at my dream board and asked why I drew a boob on it. I drew a circle and intuition told me to dot the center. Lately I've been thinking about Ramana Maraharshi's analogy of "meditation" as like being a babe nursing from the mother and that analogy really struck me. Hadn't made the connection of the boob until now. 

For some inexplicable reason people keep designing lights to look just like boobs.

"For the past few months, I’ve attempted to find the presumed sexual deviant behind the now-ubiquitous ceiling lamp design. Surely there must be one master of chaos behind it all." https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/ceiling-titty-boob-light-history

Is everything in the world a pointer? 

Yes. 

Edited February 14, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Laughed at something and then thought I shouldn't, because it was judgment and immediately my attention drifted to the conversation happening in the Peppa Pig show playing on tv. "It's NOT funny." "You're RIGHT, it's not funny." they said in jest. 

Judging myself for judgement. *face palm* 

"Put your hands to your third eye, then move the energy down to your heart" the obnoxiously big breasted sing-songy voice yoga instructor lady says. *face palm*

[mandyjw]

@Marc Schinkel

 

Heard a song on the radio last night and pulled this line out of it

"One two three and four is five"
"Everybody here is a friend of mine."

"Pop Goes the World" Apparently my 80's music knowledge was not perfect. Went outside and it's brutally cold and there are ice quakes and constant popping I've never heard before. Went to sleep and in a sleep state it felt like the popping was coming within/without. Came down and turned on my computer and the time was 12:34. 

The sky is completely clear and the stars are all out clearly, what a beautiful winternight. 

 

 

 

 

[mandyjw]

My husband has been vandalizing my dream board lately, which has been annoying to me, even though ironically yesterday I was thinking about nonduality and art and how obscene graffiti is art as much as fine art. 

I just noticed that he wrote, "Pop Goes the Weasel World" on it.  The weasel is sneaky.. 

 

Sometimes external "dots" and signs have to connect before deeper connections can be made.

I just realized that I give myself "gifts", I literally manifest signs so I can feel alignment with love. They are also pointers pointing me along. They give me confidence and reassurance, like intermittent rewards among the infinite. 

I spent my entire "life" with a deep desire to know Divine Love, believing that it was something outside of me... because I believed there was a me. 

 Love is always implicit. Therefore, whenever anyone speaks of Truth without speaking of Love, they have chosen to never make the implicit explicit. How could this be a problem? How could this ever be a threat to the implicit Love itself? To the mind this sounds obvious. You know this already, right? Do you know it implicitly? Do you know that Love is implicit, implicitly? This is the deepest mind fuck, it's so deep, it's right on the surface, right under our noses and was the entire time. Right under our noses? You mean explicit? How can THAT be? Because what do two negatives make? What do two "implicits", make?  That is how I can be... yet there is no "I." Love is neither explicit nor implicit. 

"Effort/time as the i, implicitly sets its own limit and continuously tries to exceed that limit."-Faceless 

Self Love is simply feeling, feeling when you've "got it right" and wisdom is "seeing" that judgment and separation feels bad. Is a feeling implicit? Only if there's a you. That's what makes feeling both. It only ever exists in your own internal experience. That's all. 

The only feeling that is ever TRUE is Love. True meditation is Feeling, Being Love. You can only know by how it feels. 

There's no one and nothing outside of you. Every teacher, teaching, experience and person is an aspect of you. It does not have the ability to resonate or be wrong. You only ever make yourself feel wrong, by making yourself out of whatever fragmentation and abstraction you create. 

Letting go of self judgement and giving in to Self Love means letting go of all fear. It also means letting go of all fear and all internally felt discord of responsibility. 

It's too good to be true. 

"All around the cobbler’s bench
The monkey chased the weasel.
The monkey thought ’twas all in good fun,
Pop! goes the weasel."

Pop.

[mandyjw]

"Just so you know, "Pop Goes the Weasel" was really profound. So thank you but don't write on my board again."

"See, I knew I could write something that boring on the wall and you'd be like "That's a great insight!!!" Because that's how your mind is working right now." 

"I think you need a new mirror. That one is getting decimated." He said. The frame is falling off my mirror.

"Or I could just tape bubble wrap around it." POP, goes the weasel." I replied.

"Pop goes the world." 

Happily Ever After

happily ever after era/are

Of COURSE it was about judgement. SELF judgement. OH MY GOD!

 

 

[mandyjw]

My Love for Myself is so perfect and whole and entirely free that it can judge itself without judging. 

Love is so Blind that Sees and loves itself. 

Adam- man Amanda 

I went for a run and noticed that all the snapping and popping was the massive sheets of ice cracking and settling as the tide went out. 

tide/edit  Feel free to make edits to the story of your life. Blame/thank the moon. 

On the way back the sun was shining off the sheets of ice so strongly in so many directions it was blinding. 

Light so bright it blinds itself. Clarity. Paradise. 

Got an apple from the fridge and washed it. Looked at it in the sunlight with the light glistening off the water droplets. The apple is infinite Imagination and Beauty. It's such a deep brilliant red, that's so beautifully complex it can't be called "red". Nothing True can be said about it. So I'll consume it and it will become my voice and praise its own Self. 

 

[mandyjw]

Just breathe.

SO SIMPLE and yet SO COMPLEX. 

BRILLIANT. brilliant. brilliantly played. I thoroughly enjoyed it. 

Is this the end of the story... ? Who wants to know? 

 

 

[mandyjw]

Even misalignment is infinitely aligned. Even the static is infinitely evolving. 

lucus a non lucendo

""absurd etymology," generally "anything illogical, outrageous hypothesis," 1711, from the Latin phrase, taken as the outstanding example of such an error. "A grove (lucus) [is so called] from not (a non) being light (lucendo, ablative of lucere "to shine;" see light (n.))." That is, it is called a grove because light doesn't get into it. This explanation is found in a commentary on Virgil (Aeneid 1.22) by Servius, a 4th century grammarian, among other places. Other ancient grammarians (notably Quintilian) found it paradoxical and absurd.

Modern scholarship, however, concludes that lucus and lucere probably do both come from the same PIE root (*leuk-) meaning "light, bright." De Vaan writes: "Lucus 'sacred grove, wood,' from PIE *louk-o- 'light place,' with cognates in Sanskrit loka- 'free space, world,' Lithuanian laukas 'field, land,' Latvian lauks 'field, clearing in the woods,' Old High German loh 'clearing' and English lea 'open field, meadow, piece of untilled grassy ground.' " Apparently the primeval notion in *louk-o- was a lighter place in a thick forest. Migration, change of climate, or felling of the woods might have shifted the meaning." https://www.etymonline.com/word/lucus a non lucendo

ill illuminate illusion 

ludicrous (adj.)

1610s, "pertaining to play or sport" (a sense now obsolete), from Latin ludicrus "sportive" (source of Old French ludicre), from ludicrum "amusement, game, toy, source of amusement, joke," from ludere "to play."

illude (v.)

early 15c., "to trick, deceive; treat with scorn or mockery," from Latin illudere "to make sport of, scoff at, mock, jeer at," from assimilated form of in- "in, into" (from PIE root *en "in") + ludere "to play" (see ludicrous).

illume (v.)

"illuminate," c. 1600, from French illumer, contraction of illuminer, from Latin illuminare "light up, make light, illuminate" (see illumination). Related: Illumined; illumining.

 

[mandyjw]

Wait

M83

Set your dreams where nobody hides
Give your tears to the tide
No time
No time

There's no end, there is no goodbye
Disappear with night
No time
No time
No time
No time
No time

"Your mind is imagining reality on the fly."

There he is, I caught him with his fly mask off this time. 

"I'd like to make myself believe, that planet Earth turns slowly."

Hurry Up, We're Dreaming.

 

"Cause everything is never as it seems."

Edited February 16, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Last night I got this statement that came from "nowhere" that said (sadness, depression, any negative emotion?) is a gift that you're too busy trying to throw away to open. 

[mandyjw]

It's really fascinating to "see" in your experience that all your suffering is "self" created by the imaginary "self". It is truly a phenomenon. 

If there was someone who owned the suffering, and didn't want to feel it, it would shame itself and call it sin. 

Easter egg, phenomenons are FASCINATING. If you "see" the phenomenon occurring, its fascinating. If you are it, it's just a sin/shame loop. Why does it feel amazing to be fascinated by something? Because that's what you came here for. It's is consciousness conscious of itself. 

The mind is constantly thinking for others implying that it's the other who is judging when all judgment is self created. 

I must be sane. (I am afraid of being insane) I must be respected. (I don't respect myself and need other people to respect me)

I must just sit here spinning my wheels, hiding my light in case it annoys someone. Why? Because if that happens, I'll blame myself.  

Ah, the strange loop of fear. Fascinating. 

 

Edited February 16, 2020 by mandyjw