Clearing Out

[mandyjw]

Oh God, I'm in a wildly passionate and deeply abusive relationship with myself in my own head. 

This explains... a lot. 

[mandyjw]

Heard this in the grocery store, such an over played song on the radio from long ago, and it hit me just then like a ton of bricks. 

And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
'Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away

And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names
We don't belong to no one
That's a shame

If you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell 'em your name

And scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are

We grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio

And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell 'em your name

I won't tell 'em your name
Mmm, mmm, mmm
I won't tell 'em your name, ow

I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are, come back down
And I won't tell 'em your name

[mandyjw]

Open Your Eyes

I wanna take you home boy
Come with me out in the light
Living as somebody else boy
Open your eyes
You gotta try boy
Open your eyes
Squeezing the palm of my hand
In these bodies, we are alone

What could I have changed your mind
Tell me
What good when we're out of time
Won't say that I never tried
Will you
Set me free by the river side

I wanna take you home boy
Come with me out in the light
Living as somebody else boy
Open your eyes
You gotta try boy
Open your eyes
Who doesn't need another friend
In these bodies, we are alone

And let it
Take my body
Take my body

Let it take me
Back to the river

 

[mandyjw]

Been listening to this a lot for the past week or two. 

[mandyjw]

I read this years ago and it sounded beautiful but I never knew how it would unfold so... literally. 

"Since time immemorial, flowers, crystals, precious stones, and birds have held special significance for the human spirit. Like all life-forms, they are, of course, temporary manifestations of the underlying one Life, one Consciousness. Their special significance and the reason why humans feel such fascination for and affinity with them can be attributed to their ethereal quality.

Once there is a certain degree of Presence, of still and alert attention in human beings' perceptions, they can sense that there is more there than the mere physical existence of that form, without knowing that this is the reason why he or she is drawn toward it, feels an affinity with it. Because of its ethereal nature, its form obscures the indwelling spirit to a lesser degree than is the case with other life-forms. The exception to this are all newborn life-forms—babies, puppies, kittens, lambs, and so on. They are fragile, delicate, not yet firmly established in materiality. An innocence, sweetness and beauty that are not of this world still shine through them. They delight even relatively insensitive humans.

So when you are alert and contemplate a flower, crystal, or bird without naming it mentally, it becomes a window for you into the formless. There is an inner opening, however slight, into the realm of spirit. This is why these three "en-lightened" life-forms have played such an important part in the evolution of human consciousness since ancient times; why, for example, the jewel in the lotus flower is a central symbol of Buddhism and a white bird, the dove, signifies the Holy Spirit in Christianity. They have been preparing the ground for a more profound shift in planetary consciousness that is destined to take place in the human species. This is the spiritual awakening that we are beginning to witness now." -Eckhart Tolle - A New Earth

 

[mandyjw]

Evolve, spelled backward evlove evolve evol/love Eve ever love everloving evolution 

evil/ live

"The traditional meaning of Eve is "living".

Devil/lived

Actualized actual actuality, actually, it's an act 

Well, HOLY FUCK. 

Edited February 2, 2020 by mandyjw

[Nahm]

@mandyjw This chick’s on fire! Lol 

[mandyjw]

@Nahm On the drive home I noticed that the date on my car says its 02 02/ 2020 

I saw the speed limit sign and noticed that speed/deeps and was trying to figure out "limit" which didn't work but lead me straight to

Timid/ Dim it,  so let your light shine, and THEN I drove by a fire burning on the side of the road. 

So yes, I am on fire. 

[Nahm]

@mandyjw Awesome. Sometimes the synchronicity’s so deep, it feels like we’re living this same day over and over. 

[mandyjw]

5 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@mandyjw Awesome. Sometimes the synchronicity’s so deep, it feels like we’re living this same day over and over. 

I'm think I'm starting to see that.  

 

[mandyjw]

"A maze is a complex branching (multicursal) puzzle that includes choices of path and direction, may have multiple entrances and exits, and dead ends. A labyrinth is unicursal i.e. has only a single, non-branching path, which leads to the center then back out the same way, with only one entry/exit point." 

Which is it?

Amaze a maze? 

Self Love is the way. It's so easy to explore dead ends. ex p lore. 

"lore

noun

a body of traditions and knowledge on a subject or held by a particular group, typically passed from person to person by word of mouth."

ex a mine

Edited February 2, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Ex p ire

ire -noun - anger.

F ire

In sp ire inspirit 

When I discovered Leo years ago it was because I searched youtube for how to deal with anger. "I don't really get that" he said. "I don't experience it myself emotionally" I always thought that was a bit curious, maybe somewhat insulting. But regardless his advice was great and I got completely hooked on his videos. 

How to deal with anger? Put out the fire, the phoenix will rise. 

"Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul. If either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas. For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction. Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion, that it may sing; And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes." — Kahlil Gibran

Edited February 3, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

During this mornings meditation session I was able to tap in feeling the energy in my body quite often off and on. Feels good. There's a lot of just tolerating or sitting through sensations that goes on and my vision for meditation is to further purify it into self love, so meditation feels amazing. I guess that's the entire point? 

There's the concept of surrender and the concept of working through fear and blockages, but these things are not actual. Love, now is actual. 

I've always had a closely defended personal space bubble, due to fear and shame and only recently realized how I let it affect my marriage, the one relationship where I'm technically supposed to have the freedom to let personal space boundaries go. If these were just thoughts, then they would be, but it's a weed that grown a fantastically strong root system without my realizing it had roots at all. There have been times when I was really in pain when I asked my husband to put his hand on me, and I really, really felt like he could heal. 

I'm supposed to take a reiki class, but I've been waiting almost a year for the teacher to find someone else to take the class with me. The teacher of the class has always made me a bit uncomfortable,(I made myself uncomfortable) is incredibly quiet and I always thought that he acts "odd". He happens to be the partner of the Buddhist woman who mentored me from the time I was a kid. Both my friend from childhood and my sister have taken reiki classes from him. I was really skeptical of reiki and he commented about what a skeptical person I was at the time. His partner told me last spring that he had quit his meditation practice and wasn't feeling worthy of going on a pilgrimage trip with her. She came to our grandmothers funeral and did reiki on my sister afterwards and I just sort of sat there awkwardly and watched this feeling like I wasn't part of the secret Illuminati club. Physical touch for emotional pain? In PUBLIC? How bizarre. 

I remember that day, being determined to touch my Grammie's dead body. I'd held her hand the last time before that, and it was the most amazing exchange of energy. Then when I tried to send her tonglen, it bounced back and I received it instead and an hour later Mom told me she had passed. She didn't die of any disease at all. She just left the realm of the physical slowly and died. There was a lot of self talk going on about touching her. What will people think? Will they think I'm creepy? How clean are the embalming rooms? Will I get MRSA? Why did they paint her nails like that? It looks so fake. I touched her hand and felt... nothing really. She didn't feel dead. Dead doesn't feel like anything because it isn't. 

Because for the past 12 years I have spent most of my time alone, I have a lot of habits and postures that are comfortable or self soothing, because I haven't been concerned with looking normal. One of these is that when I'm stressed or thinking about something uncomfortable I unconsciously cover my nose with my hair or shirt. This is exactly what I did with my blanket when I was a little kid. There's an intuitive art to doing this, you want to filter the air, but cover the left nostril more than the right. I never thought about this at all, until a few years ago I started listening to some yoga conference talks on youtube and they mentioned the energizing and calming effects of covering one nostril. 

I also have a problem with inappropriate laughing sometimes in social situations. I asked my neighbor to plow my driveway and he asked what happened to my previous plow guy. I told him his name and he said "OH!" because he knew that he had died in an accident and I could tell he felt awkward so I wanted to relieve the tension so I... laughed. I'm assuming these things happen because if I practiced self love I wouldn't attract them and wouldn't allow tension to build up that needs to be released by inappropriate laughter or verbal diarrhea. A lot of my fear of people and shyness comes because I've been so brutal to myself AFTER and during interactions. 

When I ran competitively in high school, there were lots of beliefs like "no pain, no gain". There was a certain amount of glory that one felt if they puked up their guts after a race. It was the seal of approval that you didn't hold anything back and didn't have to question your performance after. Or else, you got yourself so worked up before that the nervousness all sort of built up to it. A good race meant you gave it your all, and you'd be in a lot of pain the whole time. There was a lot of pressure to please my Dad who took great pride in our performance in meets. I've always enjoyed throwing up. Just not at all the part leading up to it. 

Sophomore year I had gotten lazy and unfocused dealing with all the stresses at school and hadn't trained enough that summer. I got shin splints and had to take ibuprofen to keep running which made me really, really sick until we figured out that ibuprofen on an empty stomach was not a good idea. I felt like I was disappointing everyone. I always saw my stomach pain as an annoyance and a hindrance, not an indicator. 

Just try and disconnect from your body while you beat it into submission, and expect it to say nothing. 

In practice, I let myself zone out a lot. Often during running I would "write" to myself or imaginary others in my head, usually about inspirational, self improvement or religious topics. 

I gave up running when I graduated, then took it up again shortly after discovering Leo and Eckhart Tolle, this time purely for myself. 

The strange stomach and back pain started last year when I started to "use" running again, in an addictive way to stave off depression. 

A year or so ago, I got this dream vision for my life but felt like I was too busy to achieve it. I'd meditate, do lots of yoga, run, hike, cook healthy food, and maybe do some creative work. In the winter, in layers of sweaters it's so easy to disconnect from the body and slog through life. The magic of yoga, of being barefoot and in shorts and moving around is transformational. 

Feels amazing to wake up and stop beating your own self into submission. The path of least resistance, going with the stream. Dr P has a beautiful section in his book in which he describes his almost spiritual love for this town and describes the flow of the landscape as if you were looking over it from a high vantage point and it ends with a line about how by and by all the wandering streams make their way to the sea. 

 

 

Edited February 3, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Just discovered this, full of synchronicity. 

 

 

[mandyjw]

1 hour ago, mandyjw said:

 

Feels amazing to wake up and stop beating your own self into submission. The path of least resistance, going with the stream. Dr P has a beautiful section in his book in which he describes his almost spiritual love for this town and describes the flow of the landscape as if you were looking over it from a high vantage point and it ends with a line about how by and by all the wandering streams make their way to the sea. 

 

"I am a giant (ooh)
Stand up on my shoulders, tell me what you see
'Cause I am a giant (ooh)
We'll be breaking boulders, underneath our feet
I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am a giant (oh)
I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am a giant (oh)"

My best friend took me horseback riding a few years ago. Another girl took us out. They gave me an old slow horse because I had no experience. That horse tried to fuck with me the entire time. I didn't realize nor accept the fact that I was supposed to put MY weight into my heels to drive them into his side to get him to go. It felt incredibly cruel to me. He tried to go off the trail and I remember the helpless sense of having a complete lack of control. Of all the stories I'd read about travel on horses, this seemed like a painful and miserable experience when reality was compared with fantasy. Eventually the girl realized that we were just not compatible and had to switch horses with me, so I ended up riding her own horse, which treated me much better. He was black and white. I'm not sure of my memory, but I think his name was Ransom. 

Edited February 3, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

There's one memory I didn't share about running cross country that I thought of this morning.

I loved the mud. Tearing up the track, it got so muddy and you'd get splattered all up and down. I loved something about this. I loved cleaning off after the race, after all the nervousness and pain was over and feeling right as rain. SO... much synchronicity in this song and video. 

Giant

Calvin Harris, Rag'n'Bone Man

I understood loneliness
Before I knew what it was
I saw the pills on the table
For your unrequited love
I would be nothing
Without you holding me up
Now I'm strong enough for both of us
Both of us, both of us, both of us

I am a giant (ooh)
Stand up on my shoulders, tell me what you see
'Cause I am a giant (ooh)
We'll be breaking boulders, underneath our feet
I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am a giant (oh)
I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am a giant (oh)

Don't hide your emotions
You can throw down your guard
And feed from the notion
We can be who we are
You taught me something, yeah
Freedom is ours
It was you who taught me living is
Togetherness, togetherness, togetherness

I am a giant (ooh)
Stand up on my shoulders, tell me what you see
'Cause I am a giant (ooh)
We'll be breaking boulders, underneath our feet
I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am a giant (oh)
I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am a giant (oh)

Oh, oh, oh, hey-oh, oh, oh, oh, hey-oh
I'm gonna shake, throw it away in the dirt, under me, yeah, yeah
Oh, oh, oh, hey-oh, oh, oh, oh, hey-oh
I'm gonna shake, throw it away in the dirt, under me, yeah, yeah
Gonna shake, throw it away in the dirt, yeah, yeah
Gonna shake, throw it away in the dirt, yeah, yeah
Gonna shake, throw it away in the dirt, yeah, yeah
Gonna shake, throw it away in the dirt

I am, I am, I am (ooh)
I am, I am, I am, I am, I am a giant (ooh)
I am, I am, I am, I am, I am a giant (ooh)

[mandyjw]

On 1/26/2020 at 0:03 PM, mandyjw said:

"For there are five trees in Paradise for you; they do not change, summer or winter, and their leaves do not fall. Whoever knows them will not taste death." 

I ended up stuck at my Mom's with nothing to do and went into my Kindle app and ended up reading Ramana Marharshi on intuition. 

"The body is a form of five sheaths. Therefore all five are included in the term ‘body’. Without a body, is there a world? Say, leaving the body, is there anyone who has seen a world?"

Also paraphrasing here, but apparently, reality is a giant donut eating itself that you're projecting, and it's really as stunningly profound as it sounds ridiculous. 

One action of creation and consummation. 

Self Love and Self Inquiry meeeeeeeeeeeeerge

Edited February 3, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

YOU baked the donut to eat it, and you're telling me you don't LIKE donuts? Seriously, what the fuck?

Oh, you like the donut part but not the sprinkles? The frosting could be better? Seriously I mean, you fucking picked them out and put them there. 

You didn't even have time to change your mind. You choose and consume the donut, altogether in one action right fucking now. This is the donut of your dreams. 

My puppy threw up in my car, and it's right between the seat and the door in this tiny, tiny space. I cleaned it up but I can't get it all, I mean, there are gonna be some crusty bits in that space forever. Puppy's name is Muninn but you know what I call him most of the time? Mu. He's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, but only when I'm looking at him. 

 

 

[mandyjw]

It is simply, SIMPLY, falling in love with yourself. You won't survive the process. 

I've noticed over recent years how I've become more and more easily fascinated and completely enthralled and lost in things. Part of it is the joy in connections being made, and the more connections that are made, the more connections that are made, exponentially. Each connection is love. I don't know if this is part of the process or the result. 

Training myself to see beauty in nature throughout the winter created the first bliss and other-worldly-like experience of running down that road in the springtime. This was maybe, the first time I achieved (accidentally?) using this process, of merging the law of attraction with meditation. At the time I didn't meditate and didn't really know about the law of attraction, but they are not/more than concepts. 

Now, go and do it with eveeeeeerything else. 

My kid is running and hopping around me carelessly, kinda banging into things and in my body is this "pull" of stress and annoyance. 

I wanted the chocolate sprinkles on my donut, you fucking bitch. 

Edited February 4, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Who reads Ramana Maharshi and goes off on a tangent about donuts?

Nobody.