Clearing Out

[mandyjw]

@ShinNo, I wanted to rescue an older dog and looked around for a while but it didn't work out. 

[mandyjw]

 

[Zigzag Idiot]

? Great articulation/thoughts/integration!!

 

[allislove]

Agree with @Zigzag Idiot. Amazing video, thanks for creation ❤️

[mandyjw]

@Zigzag Idiot @dimitri Thank you, I really appreciate the encouragement! 

[mandyjw]

I've never appreciated my business so much, I always had this conflicting sense of wanting sales but feeling guilty or unworthy when I get them. Now I'm enjoying the interactions and exchange of love. 

It's funny how this entire spiritual journey is just about living up to the meaning of the name I was given at birth. "Worthy of love." 

I've just been listening to Terrence McKenna talk about the machine elves and the objects they make, how Santa is an elf, the significance of red and white, the fly agaric mushroom. I saw a thread someone posted about yesterday Rupert Spira's art. Something about the act of creating intentionally or consciously naturally makes one question intention and consciousness itself. The act of creation of art is itself an altered state of consciousness. Appreciation of creation is so also. 

Synchronicity is messing with me today I accidentally found out this movie existed accidentally by searching for something else, seriously WTF? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mandy_(2018_film) 

 

[mandyjw]

I got my puppy on Monday, we're so in love and just getting in the flow of a schedule with him. In the meantime I couldn't get this subject out of my head, so I wrote a post and hope to make a video after Christmas.

It explains the circumstances of my awakening and the fallout thereafter.

This question, I've been asking it all my life. I've never really fit in as a creative, and never fit in as an intellectual. I am more creative than intellectual in some ways but I am drawn to intellect in others like a moth to flame. I want to integrate that. 

Posting my thread here below so it's here in my journal. 

It's the Devil. But to be fair, the Divine Masculine is Lucifer. They are not the same things, they are different symbols with different also important symbols associated with them. They are not evil, they are powers, but in their pure form, they become destructive because balance is lost, and duality is created. So we're separating them for the purpose of understanding them. 

There seem to be two separate forces or inherent spiritual powers, when examined by the mind of course. Just like the chakras separate energy into seven energy centers to aid understanding of experience, understanding these "two" forces can be incredibly helpful in teaching and mapping your own journey. Some religions worship one and call the other evil, other religions are very biased towards one. 

The Devil- Passion, associated with heat, with a power that rises from below like fire, lower chakras, kundalini energy. Associated with Goddess Kali. Associated with the Divine Feminine. Passion and creativity. Explosive, impulsive, passionate love. When imbalanced results in overeating, sexual promiscuity, drug abuse, laziness, rage, emotional reactivity. Witchcraft celebrates Mother Earth, and there is an element of maternity and care here, like angry mother bear. Kali is finally stopped by infant Shiva. 

Lucifer- Intellect, associated with cold, light, a power that falls from above like light, lightning, or rain. Associated with judgmental Gods like Zeus. Divine Masculine, intellect, judgement, separation, (so much so that he separates himself from God and "falls" from heaven, black and white perception of the world, dogmatic. Cool, calm and calculating. Disciplined, loves structure. Repressing. Modern Christian churches, celebrate this "Heavenly God from above" dogmatically with rules and regulations.  Strategic, brilliant, building, planning. 

To give credit for this, I found this mostly unknown author a while ago and this is just my own summary, interpretations of her writings that I thought people here might find interesting and helpful, especially because we talk about Devilry so much. Here's a link to her website. https://www.mischaalyea.com/

Edited December 18, 2019 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

One sunny day, when Jung was twelve, he was traversing the Münsterplatz

in Basel, admiring the sun shining on the newly restored glazed roof tiles of the

cathedral. He then felt the approach of a terrible, sinful thought, which he pushed

away. He was in a state of anguish for several days. Finally, after convincing

himself that it was God who wanted him to think this thought, just as it had been

God who had wanted Adam and Eve to sin, he let himself contemplate it, and

saw God on his throne unleashing an almighty turd on the cathedral, shattering

its new roof and smashing the cathedral. With this, Jung felt a sense of bliss and

relief such as he had never experienced before. He felt that it was an experience

of the “direct living God, who stands omnipotent and free above the Bible and

Church.”

Edited December 21, 2019 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

In Transformations and Symbols of the Libido, Jung differentiated two kinds of thinking. Taking his cue from William James, among others, Jung

contrasted directed thinking and fantasy thinking. The former was verbal and logical, while the latter was passive, associative, and imagistic. The former was exemplified by science and the latter by mythology. Jung claimed that the ancients lacked a capacity for directed thinking, which was a modern acquisition. Fantasy thinking took place when directed thinking ceased.

[mandyjw]

Happy Winter Solstice. 

"A long time ago, the raven looked down from the sky and saw that the people of the world were living in darkness.

The ball of light was kept hidden by a selfish old chief.

So the raven turned himself into a spruce needle and floated on the river where the chief's daughter came for water.

She drank the spruce needle.

She became pregnant and gave birth to a boy, who was the raven in disguise.

The baby cried and cried until the chief gave him the ball of light to play with.

As soon as he had the light, the raven turned back into himself.

The raven carried the light into the sky.

From then on, we no longer lived in darkness."

http://eattheplanet.org/spruce-edible-evergreen-tree/

Edited December 21, 2019 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

ac·tu·al·ize

/ˈak(t)SH(o͞o)əˌlīz/

verb

past tense: actualized; past participle: actualized

make a reality of. 

[mandyjw]

It's hard to reconcile the fact that my awakening was an event or rather coincided with an event of shadow work occurring on it's own, of my life flashing before my eyes in an appreciation of contrast. The shadow work happened within the vortex as Abraham Hicks put it.

I feel a need to do some shadow work, and while these thoughts cause emotions to rise and cause me to cry and release emotions, they do not in any way feel bad. This is a kind of magic. If it starts feeling truly bad, I know I've gone off into ego land. Doing this is definitely an experience of blurred lines. 

Last night I had an odd dream in which my father and husband interacted in a way that made me incredibly uncomfortable, and I said nothing. Before that I had a dream that I was in car accident and me and some random older man got our hands burned and at the ER he loudly complained and was treated, while I said nothing and stood around on the outskirts. The odd thing was that I knew my hands were burned too but they didn't hurt. 

The evening before this I had gone on a walk with my father and the dogs and one likes to run off when we get back and this time she ran off and didn't come back. I wanted to go look for her but I had to get my kids home and the entire time I felt awful and mostly only extremely concerned about how my dad was feeling, blaming myself for not taking her collar sooner, feeling responsible.

I'm understanding lately that I've spent during and after my awakening trying to cope with being female, after learning that I am not a woman. You'd think coping with being human after learning that I'm not human would be more difficult, but maybe this comes first? 

I put other people ahead of myself. I put their own feelings ahead of my own. I consider their perspectives and forget my own truth. 

Being on the forum this past year has been hard at times, it feels like an abusive relationship and I'm always coming back for more because there's something I want out of it, some kind of resolution or freedom. But the truth is that I am responsible for how I feel. My being mad at men for not giving me what I think it proper credit is in actuality, my own giving my power away to men.  I am the resolution and freedom. 

[mandyjw]

I attracted this, I attracted all of this. All of the interactions on the forum, the story line of Leo himself. The admirers, the random and blatantly disrespectful "admirer" in real life who has finally left me alone, this recent comment on a youtube video of mine,

"Awww. Aren't you cute?. Society says that masculinity is toxic and I say that society is toxic and terrified of masculinity. Masculinity is an untamed force while femininity is easily controlled and manipulated. Women give advice to men on how to be men. Only weak men accept that advice. Only weak men are feminists. The thought of being feminine in any way is sickening."

All of it. I wrote that comment, I wrote all those messages. I think these things. I believe these beliefs. I believe I'm less than. I believe I'm not worth listening to, not worth speaking. 

We have dramatic tides here. There are areas that are stunningly beautiful when the tide is high and ugly, and the become stinking mud when it's low. And I thought about how sick it is to judge the beauty of it depending on the presence of the water. When the mud is the earth and the earth is the same that you are standing on as you look out over the water and appreciate its beauty. 

[mandyjw]

LOOK at that comment, LOOK at it! It could not be more creepily encoded, from myself to myself. 

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

Isaiah 6

6 Then one of the seraphim flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. 7 With it he touched my mouth and said, “See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for.”

8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”

And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”

9 He said, “Go and tell this people:

“‘Be ever hearing, but never understanding;
    be ever seeing, but never perceiving.’
10 Make the heart of this people calloused;
    make their ears dull
    and close their eyes.[a]
Otherwise they might see with their eyes,
    hear with their ears,
    understand with their hearts,
and turn and be healed.”

11 Then I said, “For how long, Lord?”

And he answered:

“Until the cities lie ruined
    and without inhabitant,
until the houses are left deserted
    and the fields ruined and ravaged,
12 until the Lord has sent everyone far away
    and the land is utterly forsaken.
13 And though a tenth remains in the land,
    it will again be laid waste.
But as the terebinth and oak
    leave stumps when they are cut down,
    so the holy seed will be the stump in the land.”

[mandyjw]

The "blood of the lamb" is the same pointer as the meaning in the line in the Lana Del Rey Gods and Monsters song. "Innocence lost"

In the land of gods and monsters
I was an angel
Living in the garden of evil
Screwed up, scared, doing anything that I needed
Shining like a fiery beacon
You got that medicine I need
Fame, liquor, love, give it to me slowly
Put your hands on my waist, do it softly
Me and God we don't get along, so now I sing

No one's gonna take my soul away
Living like Jim Morrison
Headed towards a fucked up holiday
Motel, sprees, sprees, and I'm singing
Fuck yeah give it to me, this is heaven, what I truly want
It's innocence lost
Innocence lost

There is nothing that has to be done on an external level, no acting out, no sacrifice of anything, but accept oneself as the Devil on a psychological symbolic and spiritual level. I have met plenty of people who I suspect would need to travel a path quite opposite to this one. It's what you won't accept about yourself, that when accepted becomes intense love and release.  

[DrewNows]

5 hours ago, mandyjw said:

LOOK at that comment, LOOK at it! It could not be more creepily encoded, from myself to myself. 

???

[mandyjw]

I think an awakening is like God being like, "ok, you wanna know so much, here you go. It's all for you. It's all you. It's all perfect, manifestation of love and beauty, happening for you."

My poinsettia died, and I don't know why. I looked at it and appreciated how beautiful the forms of the curled up leaves were and thought about the silly ways in which we make ourselves miserable by preferring things like live poinsettias over dead ones, when the poinsettia we are looking at is already dead in that moment.

I went for a run today and it's really cold, but the mood boost I get from going out in the cold for a short time is amazing. I watched a pair of crows chase a hawk off, then I came out on the water and saw the seagulls, so many seagulls circling in the air. Cold be damned I just stopped and watched them and then one of those thoughts that you know are more than thoughts but messages came and said "Merry Christmas darling, it's all for you." I thought about continuing on but I knew the right thing would be to turn around and when I did they changed course and escorted me back. The sun reflected off them in a beautiful way, in that way that I've only been conscious of within the past few years. And as I went further and they flew higher they each had a glowing ball of light in the center. 

There are gifts within gifts, so that you can know which are gifts. But the whole thing is the gift. 

 

[mandyjw]

Last night the stars were stunning, it was one of those nights that I had to go out in the cold and just look at them. I saw an obvious star cluster for the first time. 

Today was a great day of hedonism. During the awakening, that did not happen in the past and never stopped, but seems to have happened to a me in April of last year, I had a ton of Christmas references coming up. I guess because everyday is Christmas, everyday is your birthday, there is no time, but only love. Today I went to the stone foundation at Pomroy's where I left the red Christmas bow at that time in April. Today I left some winterberries there. There were a couple woodpeckers and the squirrels that always chatter at me, they are a permanent fixture in the winter it seems. I went to the stone platform. The giant spruce tree that grows on the corner was covered in spiderwebs that glowed in the sun. I immediately remembered a legend I had forgotten about, having to do with spider webs on Christmas trees. 

"The Legend of the Christmas Spider is an Eastern European folktale which explains the origin of tinsel on Christmas trees. It is most prevalent in Western Ukraine, where small ornaments in the shape of a spider are traditionally a part of the Christmas decorations.

A poor but hardworking widow once lived in a small hut with her children. One summer day, a pine cone fell on the earthen floor of the hut and took root. The widow's children cared for the tree, excited at the prospect of having a Christmas tree by winter. The tree grew, but when Christmas Eve arrived, they could not afford to decorate it. The children sadly went to bed and fell asleep. Early the next morning, they woke up and saw the tree covered with cobwebs. When they opened the windows, the first rays of sunlight touched the webs and turned them into gold and silver. The widow and her children were overjoyed. From then on, they never lived in poverty again."

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legend_of_the_Christmas_Spider