How Can I Get A Girlfriend?

[egoeimai]

@abrakamowse usually this type of nerd is not real. I believe there is most shy guys with some time of experience and friends..or is the loner who has skills. This is extreme haha

[Key Elements]

@abrakamowse

Woody A...didn't he end up marrying his...you know, she actually graduated with a masters.

Who am I to judge, right? Well, for me, I guess if a person like that was my only option, and I'm aware of it (past a certain age), I wouldn't want any intimate relationships at all. I'll just go for my life purpose and work on my other relationships, like family members, etc.

Edited July 9, 2016 by Key Elements

[abrakamowse]

@Key Elements  When you listen to his declarations you realize that he is completely "thinking" he is the "thinker" like most of the people in the world.

:-P

He said, that he did it because you see someone and you "fall in love" and that's how it works. If he was aware of his thoughts, he wouldn't have done it. But, you are right. Who are we to judge?

[QandC]

Here's why you can't find a girlfriend: 

 

 

[egoeimai]

Omg what a great video. What a wiseman really.

I wish all people be like him. Have his mind. Men and women

 

[Mal]

On 7/8/2016 at 8:57 PM, abrakamowse said:

I have to be honest, I was always shy and I never could overcome my shyness as a teen. I was always regretting about not acting or being more adventurous with women as a teen. But that's the past. Now I am married. But I can tell you that seeing that there's not a self has changed completely my life.

 

If I knew that as a teen I would have had much more girlfriends that what I had. That's my advice for you guys.
There's no self to be shy about anything.

I like this.  There isn't even shyness arising.  Shyness is the story.  All there are is physical sensations that have not been felt fully. Once they are dealt with the whole issue evaporates. 

The books, in my opinion, just complicate things and make the story stronger.  

But who am I to rob people of thousands of wasted hours reading books when they could just be sitting with the emotions and the "problem" will be solved in 4.8 seconds?

 

[Vaishnavi]

umm, you might not like this, but anyway, forget the idea of having a girl at this point. Eliminate the "need" to have a girlfriend. Rather start to work on yourself, every little area you don't like in your life, just change it. Instead of focusing your energy on getting a girl, focus it on being a better version of who you are. I'm sure you're doing that too at this point, but how about first preparing yourself on being better so that it's the girls who actually approaches you. If not completely, at least you can first prepare yourself for about 4-5 months and then try the dating stuff. 

Watch leo's video on how to be attractive if you haven't. It's of great help. 

Good luck  

[Harry]

@Emilio Hell yes. 

[Bombardini]

8 hours ago, Mal said:

I like this.  There isn't even shyness arising.  Shyness is the story.  All there are is physical sensations that have not been felt fully. Once they are dealt with the whole issue evaporates. 

The books, in my opinion, just complicate things and make the story stronger.  

But who am I to rob people of thousands of wasted hours reading books when they could just be sitting with the emotions and the "problem" will be solved in 4.8 seconds?

 

If I understand you correctly you're saying that personal trait which we call "shyness" is simply the result of not beeing present with the feeling that arises in situations in which we would label ourselves as shy? 

 

[egoeimai]

5 hours ago, Vaishnavi said:

umm, you might not like this, but anyway, forget the idea of having a girl at this point. Eliminate the "need" to have a girlfriend. Rather start to work on yourself, every little area you don't like in your life, just change it. Instead of focusing your energy on getting a girl, focus it on being a better version of who you are. I'm sure you're doing that too at this point, but how about first preparing yourself on being better so that it's the girls who actually approaches you. If not completely, at least you can first prepare yourself for about 4-5 months and then try the dating stuff. 

Watch leo's video on how to be attractive if you haven't. It's of great help. 

Good luck  

Hell yeah. The best post!!!

[Mal]

@Emilio

Is shyness a personal trait?

I think its a symptom personally

[abrakamowse]

12 hours ago, Mal said:

I like this.  There isn't even shyness arising.  Shyness is the story.  All there are is physical sensations that have not been felt fully. Once they are dealt with the whole issue evaporates. 

The books, in my opinion, just complicate things and make the story stronger.  

But who am I to rob people of thousands of wasted hours reading books when they could just be sitting with the emotions and the "problem" will be solved in 4.8 seconds?

 

I agree @Mal   Once we understand it, we think "why didn't I tried this before?" ... it's so simple that no one thinks it will work.

[abrakamowse]

3 hours ago, Emilio said:

If I understand you correctly you're saying that personal trait which we call "shyness" is simply the result of not beeing present with the feeling that arises in situations in which we would label ourselves as shy? 

 

If you practice when you feel that shyness, try to feel it "physically" ... try to see what the body does so the brain interprets it as "shyness", same with other emotions, fear, anger, etc. You will see that is not even what you think, it is inoffensive. It's just a mind trap or game.

At least it works for me. They are just perceptions of thoughts, feelings and body sensations. The problem is how we interpret them.

 

[egoeimai]

Or just be rude to yourself: "why am i so $@$!$ ?? "

"Why do I  act like this? Relax please." 

 

Sometimes we have to get the brain to its own position!

[Bombardini]

50 minutes ago, Mal said:

@Emilio

Is shyness a personal trait?

I think its a symptom personally

Yes, symptom is a better word for it. 

[Mal]

14 minutes ago, abrakamowse said:

I agree @Mal   Once we understand it, we think "why didn't I tried this before?" ... it's so simple that no one thinks it will work.

Yeah, it's simple, but the ego needs it's story so badly.  Without the story, who are we?

[Bombardini]

8 minutes ago, abrakamowse said:

If you practice when you feel that shyness, try to feel it "physically" ... try to see what the body does so the brain interprets it as "shyness", same with other emotions, fear, anger, etc. You will see that is not even what you think, it is inoffensive. It's just a mind trap or game.

At least it works for me. They are just perceptions of thoughts, feelings and body sensations. The problem is how we interpret them.

 

Interesting! My personal problem occurs when I'm conversating with other people (some people more than others). I get so uncomfortable and have a hard time keeping eye contact. It feels like all blood rushes to the head. During this I'm so busy not coming of as a complete weirdo. It feels like just stopping and taking the observer position as in meditation is hard. I guess it's a practice, as you mention.

Thanks for the advice anyways!

 

 

[Mal]

52 minutes ago, Emilio said:

Interesting! My personal problem occurs when I'm conversating with other people (some people more than others). I get so uncomfortable and have a hard time keeping eye contact. It feels like all blood rushes to the head. During this I'm so busy not coming of as a complete weirdo. It feels like just stopping and taking the observer position as in meditation is hard. I guess it's a practice, as you mention.

Thanks for the advice anyways!

It is hard, at first.  The way you can do this is start in your "alone" time.  Pay attention to but at the same time 'ignore' thoughts, pay attention to the body and what it is doing, pay attention to your breath, get rooted in the present moment, pay attention to the life force in and around you, the space between things.  The more you practice this, the easier it is to be spontaneous around others because you won't feel so distant from them.  Confidence is not a manufactured thing that results from "self-esteem", confidence is your default state.  "Shyness" is what the symptom of loss of present moment awareness looks like, but it is certainly not a personality trait, and it is certainly not anything to do with you.  It's a shadow.

And don't worry about "skills" your skills are innate, your bodymind is programmed to do the right thing at the right time in order to get your social needs met.  Trust me, if you are present, everything falls into place.  You will be amazed at the simplicity of all this because the need for books and outside sources of information will evaporate.  

Edited July 10, 2016 by Mal

[abrakamowse]

I agree with @Mal on what he says @Emilio

First try to watch your thoughts in meditation, observe them without attachment. It's like an exercise and your mind will get used to ignore thoughts that are not important.

What you said it happened to me. You wanna know why? Because I began to "think"... "Oh, no... if I look at my boss directly to the eye she will think that I like her" or stupidity like that.

Those are just thoughts. They are not true. And if she thinks bad of you, that's her problem, not yours. You just watch at the person directly to the eye because you are paying attention to what he/she says. The rest is just thoughts coming to your head distracting you, they are not real.

Once you begin to meditate on that, you will notice the difference. That's called "focus". Your mind will be more "focused" without annoying thoughts. Lol.

Try the video of Leo about mindful meditation, that's a good way to calm your thought process, the monkey mind.

[Mal]

On 7/8/2016 at 9:19 PM, popi said:

I didnt consider that guys are introverts. ....until these posts. 

Hi Popi, 

Just want to add some clarity here, I think it is important,

Introverted is not the same as shy.  Introvert IS a personality trait, an introvert can be confident and get their needs met just as well as an extrovert can.

To differentiate the idea further, and just to confuse you,  there is actually no such thing as an introverted or extroverted person! Introversion and extroversion are active in the same person at different times, they are responses to certain situations, preferential modes of experiencing life.  For example, in my work I'm very introverted and like space to figure out things by myself. However, in a social context I'm extroverted and get a lot of satisfaction bouncing off others.  

Until I learned this about myself I was certainly confused as to why I seemed so paradoxical, the truth is we are more complex than we give ourselves credit for.