Dealing with my first serious brake-up

[Lubomir]

It's more then month since we broke-up. First week I was on emotional rollercoaster and did cry from time to time. Right now, I'm "fine", obviously I do think about her almost everyday, but not in a sad way.

I got ridoff of her things that she "left" in my room. But what is unpleasant for me is meeting her 1-2 times per week because we both study at same university.

By term unpleasant I mean that it always turn on my thinking about her again and I can't focus at my own things. Then I tend to overanalyze things and that's my highway to hell

 

I don't want this to drain my energy anymore. I know it's necessary to go through that, but I'm getting frustrated.

Worst thing is that we broke-up with "one day, we both deal with our shit and come back together" - it makes me attached to her. Also we were good friends before. But I don't have problems to date or flirt with other womens right now, which is good I guess.

I loved her, she loved me, but it was toxic at the end.

 

There's also few events where we definitely see each other and it got me thinking if I should avoid them, or just go there and face it, even though I can be hurt by that, because she's very good at acting, I'm not, I just don't do that.

Thx for reading this and please feel free to left any comment

 

 

[Nicachi]

Hey. I feel this. Before a while I was in a likely situation. 

Not quiet sure how to handle this. But I know that if you end a relationship with the attitude of "hey let's break up handle our shit and get back together soon" will make it way much harder to leave the person. 

It's just like teasing and it will be harder to let go and not permanently think about the other person I guess. 

But also as you said mostly it's that one has to go through this phases. 

Sometimes you have to deal with a backlash like I did.

(broke up with my bf then got back together and now I'm unhappy cause I'm again in this toxic relationship I just ended..) 

Maybe focus on the things why it didn't worked out. And try to remember them as often as possible. 

Idk if this helped just felt an urge to awnser this. 

Much love 

[Leo Gura]

Fastest way to move past it is to find a new girl.

Since you're at a university you've got tons of new girls all around you. Start talking to them. Go to some parties or social events. That will take your mind off her.

Once you're talking to new girls, you'll care less about the old one.

See this as an opportunity. Since your old relationship was toxic, nothing good would have come from it, so might as well move on. Now you have a chance to find a girl who's better aligned with you. Same goes for her.

[Lubomir]

@Nicachi Thank you <3

Yeah, I think the same way about it and yes I often think about those toxic things about her, after that I do laugh about it (how dumb and stupid that was from her to behave that way and so on...)

 

@Leo Gura Thx Leo!

Yep, I took a position like that. I met few interesting girls, went on a date with one yesterday, went on partyes and did well with getting girls attention/flirting. I'm even an organizer of social events at my university, which also helps a lot  

[Devi Shanti]

You already have good pieces of advice here.

Mine is be patient. Things like this doesn't heal that easy and fast and it's totally normal. But be sure it will pass. You can overcome it. Good look!

[Lubomir]

@Devi Shanti Thanks!

As you said, good points are already there. And to be more specific, I'm already doing them.

But sometimes it's really warm to hear that you guys have the same opinion about these things.

And yes, it's gonna take a while to heal :), thank you.

[Ananta]

 

Edited October 4, 2019 by Anna1

[DrewNows]

@Lubomir check out this video it has some great tips for getting into the subconscious mind and growing to be able to let go and find what needs to be fulfilled to create wholeness feelings once again. 

The trick is to list what you loved about her, how she made you feel etc, check it! 

its focused on a specific attachment style but this will work for every style of attachment, hope this helps 

[Lubomir]

@Anna1 Hehe

 

@DrewNows Thank you. I already did that (list of things I liked about her and those I didn't), but will check that video for sure ?

[Lubomir]

@DrewNows
Nice.  i watched the video and that point about "not missing a person but the nice things he did" is awesome, thx

[Lubomir]

Ok, so, yesterday came out few different things. I have now 2-3 womens chasing me. It's 2-3 because the last one is my ex.

We saw each other for a while and said Hi, but did not talk. She gave me that warm smile and after like 1 hour she messaged me "You don't want to go for a tea with me, do you?" I repplied that I'm busy (and I'm really m), but we can go at Wednesday around 13:00...  She replayed "Oh, ok, nevermind then"

- I don't care about it, I would go there as a friend. Like we were before.

 

The other girl I met at one party. She study at my university too and she's kinda crazy. It's the type of girl that with no barriers tells you "ohh, shut up you dumbass, you talking like a retard with those words" :D....(I sometimes do use english words in my czech sentences)... This girl started chasing me mainly yesterday, she found me on facebook and started to message me in flirting ways. She's something new, and it seems to me that I like her.

The last one is a girl that I met at one of my social events. And she's the main reason why I'm writting this. I think that she puts me on a pedestial, but I don't find her attractive. That would be simple if she wouldnt told me that she's having some emotional problems and right now she don't have any friends. It's because her exboyfriend cheated on her with her best friend. So she's alone, looking for some human contact. She invited me for a date and I agreed, but it's scheduled for a week from now. I do want to "help her" to not feel so alone, but I also don't want her to think that there's something more then just friendly conversation. Any ideas?

 

After all, I'm doing great

 

Thanks!

Edited October 8, 2019 by Lubomir
gramar

[milii]

@Lubomir i think you should date that girl whom you met in social events she is already broken who are also may be you both will make a good pair together and this realationship would be work 

 

[Lubomir]

@milii So you are telling me to date broken girl in which I don't have any sexual interest?
You might be on a whole new spiritual level to me, or far below  

Can you explain it to me?  
Thanks  

[milii]

@Lubomir well if you dont have any interest in her so dont count her in the list of the girls you have right now its just a peice of advice man treat her gentaly and she will be yours forever

 

[Lubomir]

@milii Why not? If I have 3 apples, but one of them is rotten so I will eat only 2 of them, don't I still have 3 apples?

And yes, if I wanted to and treat her well, then she will be "mine" forever. But I don't... I just don't find her attractive

Edited October 8, 2019 by Lubomir
Forgot something

[milii]

@Lubomir as you wish

 

[Lubomir]

So. Not so much time past by... and I'm dating my ex again.

It all started when we saw each other on our graduation at the university. We talked a bit and she suggested to go for a caffe. I didn't have time for it that day, but I visited her later at her work. There I find out that she's still love me.

We set another meeting 3 days after it. It was a date, really. And ofcourse we ended up having sex. But that wasnt the only thing that happened that day. Because I, for the first time, did told her into her face things, that really wasnt pleasant for her at any means. 

Few days after that I felt bad for it, so I asked her if we can see each other again, she agreed, expecting another storm of shits, but I apologized - did not take my words back, but apologized for the way I told it to her. Then I invited her for pizza as exchange and we spend nice night talking. I offered her a ride home and she agreed. When we were almost near her house, I asked her if I ever showe her that place near planetarium, she said no, so I asked if she wants to see it now? She said yes, ofcourse! I turned my car and we went there. It's nice hill where you can see over whole city. And in night it's romantic AF.

There she started crying after while and almost destroyed my shift lever how she was trying to get on me, to hug me... There she told me how she's starting to realize, how bad she's treating others in her life and that she wants to change that. This was huge turn-up for me.

Some days past by and right now I'm in hospital. She visited me as soon as she could, just right after my surgery. It was great to feel her nearby and we talked a lot again.

But just few hours since she left I started thinking... and it was really unpleasant. I couldn't sleep because of that So I spend whole night thinking. It was thoughts about how this is going to be... and I didn't see it as something great. Sooner or later she will start to manipulate with me and then, then it will end again.

So I started to think about solution. How do I handle it, do I even want it?

Today, when she came to me and bring me some really nice gifts, I just told her, after while, how I feel about us and mostly about her. How I think that she's behaving like a devil to others and how she's going to end like her father (which she love). I told her that her father is just sucking her mothers energy and obviously don't love her anymore, but he's staying with her just because of money and because he don't have anyone else nearby. (He even bought a small house in Slovakia at the end of the world just so he don't have to live with her mother anymore and don't have to talk to people, because he hate others, he wants to be alone)

Since I told her all of this she, at first started arguing, but not so much... after that she looked at me and told me that I'm right... that I'm totally right... and that she needs to go right now. She left after that, not in tears, but absolutely shocked. 

Hours past and she messaged me "Can you somehow help me with that?" I responded that ofcourse that I'm here for her, but It's up to her to do something with it and I can be only support for her. She said "Thank you..." and that she will do anything for it to change.

 

And now... I'm feeling unsure if it's even possible. Will she change because of her, or because of me? She started to lose her best friends because of her behavior, just now... so it's really not a problem only between us. I have a strong hope that she will make it. 

Is it really such a dumb thought to have?

Aren't I'm the devil too?

I feel like I have much stronger boundaries then before and I'm defending them, fully.

 

If you read it till there, Thank you

 

 

[Lento]

I think she's going through some really tough times. If I were you, I would try to be supportive to her as much as I could. I think that will reflect positively both on your individual growth and on your relationship with this girl.

Edited November 7, 2019 by Lento

[Lubomir]

@Lento Yes, I believe in the exactly same thing. I already learned a lot from her and she did from me. I'm really glad that I could met someone like her in my life.

She will come tomorrow so we will talk again. I'm feeling great about it overall.

Thx