Going through a dark night of the soul...feeling alone, doubting this path.

[Flowerfaeiry]

Several years ago I attended my first meditation course. I had been into "spirituality" and self improvement for a few years before that, but absolutely nothing serious. In fact when I got back from the course my main takeaway was how much I was fooling myself with my fake practices. The other thing it showed me was how much suffering there is in life, and how much work I had left to do if I wanted to live a good life.

Fast forward to today (about 7 years) and I am still in a very dark place. To be frank with you all, I don't think I'm doing enough. I do some, I meditate, journal, exercise. I've had profound experiences on psychedelics. My life is good and easy in the traditional sense. Nothing is really hard and everything on the outside is a walk in the park. In fact if I wanted it would be so easy to just skid by life like this... taking the easy way out. But I have this feeling that's part of the reason I'm suffering so much. I'm just not sure if that's the case with me... My childhood left me with a lot of scars that I've been trying to work through. I go to therapy. Everyone around me comforts me, they tell me that I just need to relax, to not be so hard on myself.  I see progress but then there's just this nagging voice that tells me I could be doing so much more.

Leo has some videos where he talks about stuff like this. Biting the bullet that self actualization will be hard. And I have a feeling that I just haven't bitten this bullet. But I just don't know. I mean, people around me are into "self improvement" enough, like they have their shit together fairly well. Setting some goals. They tell me I'm doing really good. But I'm just stuck on this idea that there is more. So much more. But here I am, not making the hard decisions, not taking chances, not doing what is emotionally difficult. I just like, ride the edge. Right before it gets too uncomfortable I bail and go onto the next exciting, promising thing.

I guess I'm looking for advice, have you found this idea that you need to "bite the bullet" and just do what is hard, to be true? So many people around me tell me lots of things that make me think I'm doing good but I just don't feel like it. I'm not sure if it's because I'm hard on myself, or if I don't have enough friends that are into real personal development. So I'm here. Because Leo got it into my head that there is more out there, and I'm honestly questioning the validity of that as everyone around me doesn't seem to get it and I'm wondering if I'm overthinking his advice, or if I really do need to buck up and get ready to be uncomfortable.

 

Thanks for reading : ) 

[ttom]

I'm interested to know where you would like to end up. Let's say you did "bite the bullet", what more from life would you expect? I don't mean this in a condescending way, I'm just intrigued to hear more about your expectations. 

Maybe your suffering is more a product of the illusion that you aren't where you should be, rather than the result of actually not doing enough.

Thanks for sharing

Edited September 30, 2019 by ttom

[Flowerfaeiry]

@ttom Thank you for your reply and for asking. What I expect from life is less suffering. I have been on and off depressed for years, I have anger outbursts and my relationships suck. Basically a lot of emotional problems and I carry a lottt of pain. I want less of that. 

I have thought of the idea that I'm suffering because of my thought that I'm not where I should be... But even then I still think that I could be doing so much more...but then I think maybe I'm just being hard on myself. I just don't know.

Edited September 30, 2019 by Flowerfaeiry

[ttom]

17 minutes ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

  I have thought of the idea that I'm suffering because of my thought that I'm not where I should be... But even then I still think that I could be doing so much more...but then I think maybe I'm just being hard on myself. I just don't know.

In my own experience the answer to this is both. You will need to do more work to improve you situation. But self criticism will not support that. I've found that the more I reduce my self criticism, the more inclined I am to do good work. It seems that most of my inner resistances to doing the work are a result of a fear of inadequacy, which feeds of self criticism.

You also have to be careful with this because it's not true for everyone. Some people require more self criticism, while others less. However judging from your explanation, you would definitely benefit from a reduction.

I like to think of it like this...

If the point of self criticism is to highlight your own inadequacies and therefore creating an opportunity to fix them. But the self criticism is leading to stagnation rather than progression. Then the self criticism is unwarranted and should be dialed down. I've found the development of awareness to be the only effective method to achieving this. Use your spiritual practice to strengthen your awareness, then use the new found awareness to observe and weed out self critical thought patterns.

You'll soon discover that your criticism follows very distinct patterns. The more familiar you become with these patterns, the easier it becomes to detect or pre-empt triggers and the better you will become at breaking out of the emotionally hijacking that self criticism often creates.

 

Edited September 30, 2019 by ttom

[Flowerfaeiry]

@ttom thank you so much! This was super insightful and helpful. 

[Matt8800]

10 hours ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

Several years ago I attended my first meditation course. I had been into "spirituality" and self improvement for a few years before that, but absolutely nothing serious. In fact when I got back from the course my main takeaway was how much I was fooling myself with my fake practices. The other thing it showed me was how much suffering there is in life, and how much work I had left to do if I wanted to live a good life.

Fast forward to today (about 7 years) and I am still in a very dark place. To be frank with you all, I don't think I'm doing enough. I do some, I meditate, journal, exercise. I've had profound experiences on psychedelics. My life is good and easy in the traditional sense. Nothing is really hard and everything on the outside is a walk in the park. In fact if I wanted it would be so easy to just skid by life like this... taking the easy way out. But I have this feeling that's part of the reason I'm suffering so much. I'm just not sure if that's the case with me... My childhood left me with a lot of scars that I've been trying to work through. I go to therapy. Everyone around me comforts me, they tell me that I just need to relax, to not be so hard on myself.  I see progress but then there's just this nagging voice that tells me I could be doing so much more.

Leo has some videos where he talks about stuff like this. Biting the bullet that self actualization will be hard. And I have a feeling that I just haven't bitten this bullet. But I just don't know. I mean, people around me are into "self improvement" enough, like they have their shit together fairly well. Setting some goals. They tell me I'm doing really good. But I'm just stuck on this idea that there is more. So much more. But here I am, not making the hard decisions, not taking chances, not doing what is emotionally difficult. I just like, ride the edge. Right before it gets too uncomfortable I bail and go onto the next exciting, promising thing.

I guess I'm looking for advice, have you found this idea that you need to "bite the bullet" and just do what is hard, to be true? So many people around me tell me lots of things that make me think I'm doing good but I just don't feel like it. I'm not sure if it's because I'm hard on myself, or if I don't have enough friends that are into real personal development. So I'm here. Because Leo got it into my head that there is more out there, and I'm honestly questioning the validity of that as everyone around me doesn't seem to get it and I'm wondering if I'm overthinking his advice, or if I really do need to buck up and get ready to be uncomfortable.

 

Thanks for reading : ) 

@Flowerfaeiry 

sounds like a kundalini awakening. It is trying to kill your ego and your ego is fighting for survival. 

If you want to learn how to let the ego die and accept all the implications, there is a good book called Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha by Daniel Ingram. You make it through this via radical acceptance of all there is.

The faster you can learn to accept all, including the death of all your ego's dreams, desires, etc, the faster you will get through this. It also means you have to accept that your life does not have the meaning and purpose that you used to think it had. Accept it does not matter if "you" live or die. It will open up to just existing in the flowing present moment. When you learn to settle into this, that is where you will experience beauty and true happiness unlike anything you have ever imagined.

Keep working on locking yourself into the present moment and staying there. Ask yourself, what is "bad" in your direct experience of the present moment? You will notice all your suffering is an illusion you are creating, made worse by your ego's fight for survival.

When you meditate, purify yourself by letting go of all your resistance, attachments and aversions on the exhale. Keep doing this and settle into the acceptance.

I went through this a couple years back and came out the other side permanently changed. VERY difficult but necessary for the path. You have no idea what kind of beauty is waiting for you 

According to sacred Buddhist texts, once you make it out the other side to equanimity, you will have reached the first level of enlightenment.

[ivory]

20 hours ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

I have been on and off depressed for years, I have anger outbursts and my relationships suck.

I spent a lot of time in depression. When you're in this situation I wouldn't worry about doing the "hard thing" or whatever. I would get to a place where you have a solid set of friends and are taking good care of your health. You will be challenged along the way but you'll be much happier. Exercise, sleep well, eat healthy, and socialize with healthy people.

[Flowerfaeiry]

@ivory wow thank you so much for this. I’ve been thinking that’s what I needed to focus on but wasn’t sure. I’m mostly not giving myself permission to, thinking that the depression is fueled by my not doing the hard thing

[Flowerfaeiry]

@Matt8800 I love this perspective too, thank you so much, I’m going to look more into this type of thing. 

[ivory]

20 minutes ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

thinking that the depression is fueled by my not doing the hard thing

Dude, if the depression continues I would seek out a therapist. This sounds to me like a lack of self-acceptance. Do you accept yourself as you are? Or do you feel like you need to change in order for you and others to like yourself? I have a sense you compare yourself to others a lot.

Again, don't worry about the hard thing. Taking care of your health and making new friends IS REALLY HARD. You will grow massively by building a healthy life style.

Rather than think, "What should I do to make me awesome", think, "How can I best take care of myself and my life." To get out of depression you need to show your self so much love you can't stand it. Motive is everything. Your actions should reflect self-love. They should not reflect the false idea that you aren't enough.

[remember]

@Flowerfaeiry some things we won`t overcome, like this inherent feeling of being alone, it will never pass completely. it`s about finding a way to overcome it`s constant presence in this vastness, not easy, one part to accept that is probably to face this feeling of darkness and learning to be alone with oneself in this darkness and being a good company to yourself. the other one is finding people you deeply connect to, who you can talk with about that stuff, because the limits in people are different. how many of your friends are friends for a longe time already? i never really thought about that as a possibility here in the forum but some people might not search enough for deep connection within others outside of this forum, because they have already a circle of longterm aquaintences, the direction of self actualization takes on a certain kind of form, or they do the lonely wolve thing, because it seems to be what is nessecary for a self actualizer. i`m not saying connections in general could help you but talking about deep connections - may that be people of a certain different culture you feel deeply connected to or people who do a special kind of work with a special kind of knowledege they bring into your life, in a constructive way of course. could be longterm friends or just someone you meet randomly and feel like it clicks and you are on a waveleangth.

most loneliness is self produced. the lonelyness within can be a hint towards something missing in ones life and going on a search for that in the outside can be helpful if it is not found in the inside (not talking about excessive things) but talking about connections to the world. solipsism is also a feeling of disconnectedness, not on the deepest level but very close to the deepest level it`s a sign of disconnection to the deepest level, where a spark is glowing that tells it is not so. it is about connecting to that.

Edited October 1, 2019 by remember

[Leo Gura]

On 9/29/2019 at 10:46 PM, Flowerfaeiry said:

there's just this nagging voice that tells me I could be doing so much more.

That's the voice of God speaking to you, but you're refusing the call.

You're acting too small. You need a much bigger vision. You need a big life purpose, not this wallowing is personal problems bullshit.

God is telling you to make your life about something much bigger than you. But you're too scared so you just wallow around in your own smallness. You should be doing big things with your life. Why aren't you doing them? You could transform the whole world and yet you're just pissing your life away instead.

See my videos:

• The Highest Hero's Journey
• How To Unleash Your Ambition

And do my LP Course. It's all about this.

Of course you're depressed because you're not actualizing your full greatness. You could be a Christ or a Buddha. What are you waiting for??? Your spirituality is far too timid. Be more bold! Dare to touch people's hearts with your love.

The people around you are sheep. Don't look to sheep for inspiration. Look to lions. Become a lion.

[Gladius]

"If you're going through hell, keep going" W. Churchill.

[remember]

@Leo Gura the highest heros journey is false and the worst video you ever released. it`s worse than devilry. it`s full of self deception and male ego. the symbolism is so off and full of your own karma that it`s an impertinence.

Edited October 1, 2019 by remember

[Leo Gura]

4 minutes ago, remember said:

@Leo Gura the highest heros journey is false and the worst video you ever released. it`s worse than devilry. it`s full of self deception and male ego.

It is wisdom you cannot appreciate yet.

Be careful with your spiritual nihilism.

Passionate spirituality beats out nihilist spirituality a thousand times over.

Quote

it`s worse than devilry.

He who smelt it, dealt it.

[remember]

15 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

It is wisdom you cannot appreciate yet.

i tried to. maybe you are not able to apreciate that.

15 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Be careful with your spiritual nihilism.

Passionate spirituality beats out nihilist spirituality a thousand times over.

she who smelled it delt it.

now deal with the wisdom it created.

https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/236481/fried-smelts/

Edited October 1, 2019 by remember

[remember]

@Flowerfaeiry  if you are a female don´t watch it. if you don`t want to end as a fried fish. instead get connected to your femininity and your dark side, that will save you of some of the additional pains this video would make you go through. you don`t need that. read books like women who run with the wolves or shadow dance or red moon by miranda grey. this video will just mess up your metaphysics and if you are not strong enough it will stay like that. even guys who awaken to that get stuck in panik attacks or think rape is ok in addition with some other videos. i don`t recommend you deconstruction work if you didn`t work on a healthy painbody yet.

Edited October 1, 2019 by remember

[Leo Gura]

@remember If your objection is that it's too male-oriented, that could be a fair objection. By all means find a female version of the heroine's journey. I openly admit having a male bias to my teachings. That doesn't make the teaching false, just not suitable for your style.

Teachings comes in a sorts of styles and flavors.

[remember]

@Leo Gura you maybe don`t understand how self biased and irresponsible the projection is. or you do.

[mandyjw]

@remember The hero's journey is only one half of the journey, and half of the story. But because of that it's probably more important and powerful for women to watch that video than for men.