LP Journal

[electroBeam]

A journal documenting my struggle to get the life purpose I want. Will post and review progress to determine future strategy. Posting here publicly with the intent of using it to get advice on situation, hopefully if things go well inspire others, connect with like minded people.

Will post weekly: what emotional traumas I had to overcome or have to overcome. What fears I endured, what mistakes I made, what achievements I gained. 

 

Current situation:

1. Doing a startup(as a CTO). been doing it for past 2-3 yrs. Medical startup therefore will take a while to exit.

2. Working part time as an AI engineer to pay bills.

 

Hate both of my jobs. Hate engineering and science. Dropped out of uni to pursue startup. Hate being the CTO. Passion lies in the occult. 

My dream job(LP) use occult practices to prescribe therapies to reducing suffering of individuals(sort of a physiotherapist who uses occult instead of body movements).

 

Current plan to get there: full time do startup. Part time practice OBE and astral projection.

 

plan: get financially independent through startup, then proceed to practice LP 10+ hrs a day not earning money(doing off donations).

I will practice LP part time to hone skills while startup takes time to exit. 

[electroBeam]

Had a sleepless night last night.

- felt guilty for living at my parent's house, using up their money, not being mature enough to have my own place. 

- felt guilty for quitting my degree(against my parents' wishes.) 

- Feel bad for being so bad at uni. I did 2 yrs and failed 1 year of that before dropping out. I genuinely believe I studied more than the average student, yet due to factors out of my control failed uni. To save face I've told myself a story that I failed uni because I'm much better at practical, real life things than theoretical academic stuff... but this is just a story. What if I'm bad at real life as well? Why am I the only one with this problem? Why is it that I suck at uni? Why can't I be normal. How did all my peers study half the time as me, but get much better marks? 

- under heaps of stress because I've told my parents that the startup will succeed. If it doesn't I will need to go back to uni... which as far as I'm concerned is something I'm very bad at and am not interested in. It sucks my soul dry of life.

- My part time job is another startup, doing engineering(something I hate) and supports the bills for both me and my girlfriend. Stressed about the possibility it fails, on top of that my lack of motivation for it might get me fired, which means going back to uni. 

- Its so hard pretending to investors that you're something youre not. I put on a show, and they start assuming Im smart, got high grades at uni, "born to be a software engineer","genius hacker". And they treat me like one, give me impossible deadlines, hard to solve tasks, tasks i hate. If only they knew what was happening inside, if only they knew the real reason I quit uni. The cost of being authentic is loosing this company.

 

Even though these fears lurk me from time to time, I must remember to not take this life so seriously. This universe is a tiny spec compared to all of the universes out there. It may seem sometimes that this life is all there is, that your worldly affairs are life and death, eternal hell or heaven, but they arent. Try to enjoy it as much as you can.

[electroBeam]

Really hating my part time job - totally burnt out.

Contemplating on making a job change. Re identified my top 10 values. I need adventure and appreciation of nature in my life. I also need creativity and imagination, I want to design things. I'm looking to see if I can make a business out of drone photography. A close runner up is conservation science. 

I really like the idea of drone photography - gets me out in nature and allows me to fly drones which are cool. But art tends to be highly subjective and therefore its hard to gauge your performance in increasing your skill in making good photos. I could make a science out of it though by trying a bunch of different art techniques and themes and gauging which ones are most popular.