Five years of exploring Infinity. Where I am at so far

[nexusoflife]

Over the past five years I have been diving deeply and consistently into the nature of reality and myself. They're both the same thing. I have had several deep and very profound and indeed life changing nondual and psychedelic experiences at this point. I understand that everything in the totality of existence is all fundamentally and inexorably one. I have traveled to places within consciousness that are beyond the human imagination. I have had my sense of self and eradicated and reformed several times now. Looking into the viewport of infinity is indeed breathtaking beyond all comprehension. You really are absolutely infinite and so beautifully glorious beyond what our bodies and brains are physically evolved to comprehend right now.

However there is something within me that is seemingly contently disinterested with phenomenological existence. I do not want to play this game anymore. I feel like no matter what I experience in this life, no matter where I go there will still always be a part of me that is just over the experience of existing as an individuation of consciousness at any level whether it be at a human level, bacterium level or godlike cybernetic alien level it’s all not the absolute truth, just more of this multiversal, multidimensional game of exploratory consciousness.

After I live my life and die there is a very strong feeling at the “core” (there is no core) of my consciousness that I never want to reincarnate in any way. While that is an ego driven statement I feel that there is something within myself that this is coming from a place of much deeper much more comprehensive inner standing and understanding of phenomenological existence and it’s alternative merging COMPLETELY into God consciousness so fully that any hope or possibility of incarnation into the realm of form is entirely extinguished. No thought no mind, no form no play, simply infinite incomprehensible nothingness, the purest expression of God.  

Over the past year a feeling has arisen within myself that wants this life of this specific individuation of consciousness to be the last physical expression that this individuation of consciousness ever experiences. The feeling and sense of relief is what I long for. I long for the ending of all experience by this individuation. The thought of an I experiencing reality no longer is the all encompassing thing that it once was. Now the idea of an I experiencing reality seems so superficial and somewhat shallow in a sense. I enjoy life and its many phenomena but I can so clearly see ( at an increasing rate) the illusion of all of the realm of form.  

Expression, experience and phenomenological existence go together. And there is such a powerful longing within my energetic composition to just have relief from being, relief from form, relief from experience I feel like I have done this so many times. I feel that I have played this game an infinite number of times. Now there is a tiredness to it all. I am all,every subatomic particle, every atom, every cell, every organism in the multitude of multiverses every object in all of existence. I am the infinite Holon. I am immortal, timeless, and infinite in every way. Yet and still within this body, within this specific individuation of consciousness, within this trans-temporal energetic being I feel a strong urge to never want to return to this place. It matters not what form consciousness takes it all boils down to this. Same shit different form. You are God experiencing itself in every way that there is and isn't.

After you have seen into infinity and lived in that place all of the forms become trivial they are no longer something to go after or to awe at when gazed upon. Its all infinite and there are never-ending forms but it all becomes ‘predictable’. You predict the outlandish and the mundane to the point where it becomes all just “meh” at a certain point of being blasted into infinity so many times. Viewing and being the infinite myriad of forms organisms, technologies, energies eventually it reaches a point of simply a pretty existential first person light show. The illusion is seen through and compared to truth the realm of forms and limitation becomes shallow in its substances.

The transcendence of survival is a necessary place to come to in this work and an inevitable point. I have not transcended survival and am still subject to it’s whims but there are times ( and they are becoming increasingly more common) where I can get into states of consciousness where in those moments I would be 100% OK with dying. However I am only 22 years old and thus I would like to complete my bucket list before I leave this place and I have so much work to do on myself in this life; and so much more fun to have; and so many more things to explore. I do not hate life I enjoy it and all of it’s beautiful weirdness but it’s illusory nature no longer has the same charm and allure as it had before in my perception. The world of form is BS and while it is truth on a relative level it will never be the absolute truth due to the fact that life is navigating forms, whether they be physical or nonphysical. It is because of this why “I” (at a level beyond ego that is inexplicable to me currently) want out of this game at all levels permanently.

You could incarnate into any multitude of alien species, Tryptamine entities, light beings, demigods, lichens, molds, insects, bacterium. While it is all you exploring and experiencing yourself once complete nondual awareness is had this experiencing looses it’s allure. It doesn't matter what form you take anymore. The destination and “point” of it all is the same. Simply put ULTIMATE UNION WITH GOD. This means a complete secession of all types of form and all types of experience, it is the embodiment and paradox of absolute nothingness. Not nonexistence, because God is infinite and thus nonexistence cannot exist; but nothingness in the sense of no longer being an individuation of consciousness bound to form and experience of any and all kind. It is this secession which is the omega point of this creation of this game.

 According to Buddhism the entirety of the realm of form is suffering in some way. This is Samsara. Nirvana is the release of this and the permanent secession of the individuated conscious experiencing of phenomenological existence. Absolute union with God. No more false boundaries, no more illusions. Just the simple truth.

All incarnation is an infinitely intelligent yet amnesiac God exploring to know its infinite self. However there comes a point where for individuations this experiencing of fundamentally illusory forms is no longer necessary for understanding. There is a transcendent something beyond being, beyond phenomena. Phenomenological existence is not the only way that God can know itself. However it is the only way that we can know ourselves. As lifeforms we highly value life to the point of delusion. I have no way to back up what I am about to say here; but life and the totality of phenomenological existence in my experience feels like a preliminary training ground for something else. This place is illusion and with illusion comes pain and suffering in one way or another. At the end of the day all holons of existence especially organisms organisms “want” to be happy, and to know that they are God. I do wonder if there will be a point (Yes I know time does not truly exist) where all individuations of consciousness in the totality of phenomenological existence will realize and embody God consciousness and this section of the game will end. It’s just a thought I have sometimes. I know that God is infinite and thus I am infinite.

 

Edited September 29, 2019 by nexusoflife

[Leo Gura]

Just don't forget that Samsara = Nirvana

There is nowhere to go. Everywhere is nowhere.

[zeroISinfinity]

@nexusoflife Been there. All your Statements are correct and I've been through all of them. 

There is more to this. Path is like very very very deep. It will Just crush You without a doubt. 

It's a deep slumber from which You have to crawl back again. 

What's the point? 

What to do now? 

Etc

You Will at deepest level question this. Those are not human level questions, those are deep existential level questions and there are so many of them. 

It's not walk in park You really have to be robust in infinite way to overcome this. It will make You or it will break You. 

Like @Nahm likes to say It's healing. Healing of the God. 

Yes God is like real heroin Addict. While writting this I see how freekin big addictions is. 

@nexusoflife So You are Just healing, I am into the same process. 

 

Edited September 29, 2019 by zeroISinfinity

[zeroISinfinity]

Who says Awakening is all sunshine and rainbows Just has no idea how destructive this might appear to be. 

But Once You hit the rock bottom only way is up. 

[remember]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

Samara = Nirvana

are you talking about the character of the ring, the russian citty or is it samsara = nirvana, who says that?

there are some refference issues here. the refference issue even exists before it can be obsereved or experienced. although purely observing might be a reference problem in itself.

Edited September 29, 2019 by remember

[remember]

@nexusoflife  are you happy with that wholeness? it doesn`t sound like it - but it also means you really are missing out on something. what do you mean when you say there is no core to it? you seem like someone in a sort of melancholic state of meaninglessness as you seem to be lost in zooming and sooming instead of disconnecting from all of that for a while. sometimes traveling without cellphone to a land where they almost don`t speak our language could be a reconnection to what you are missing out on. what do you think phenomology is? i don`t really know what phenomology you are suffering from - but maybe your approach to it is kind of disconnected.

even though it has some lyrical touch, your writing. i hope on your bucket list is at least traveling the world to some extend. and at least once learning something practical like ceramics or woodworks, some kind of art. it sounds as if you could even write a book or lyrics for songs with your language skills, if it comes from where that came from.

Edited September 29, 2019 by remember

[Leo Gura]

2 hours ago, remember said:

are you talking about the character of the ring, the russian citty or is it samsara = nirvana, who says that?

there are some refference issues here. the refference issue even exists before it can be obsereved or experienced. although purely observing might be a reference problem in itself.

Typo

[remember]

@Leo Gura thought so but you just killed the fun by correcting it. don`t be such a perfectionist. the world is beautiful because it`s not perfect.

Edited September 29, 2019 by remember

[nexusoflife]

@Leo Gura I don't understand. Isn't there some phenomenological demarcation between Samsara here and Nirvana? Everywhere=Nowhere=all is one; but there are many subdivisions of God even if they are illusory. I'm not trying to get anywhere with the secession of experiencing existence, simply a permanent extinguishing of experience never to enter form again.

[nexusoflife]

@zeroISinfinity Thank you. I needed to read that. 

[nexusoflife]

@remember You are very perceptive.I have experienced states of complete contentment and happiness with whatever is arising. However for some reason I feel like I have a bone to pick with existence. Like I am insulted by the fact that God has to learn about itself. There is a frustration within myself that I feel arising whenever I think about why anything exists. I am indeed missing a piece of the puzzle. There is no core of myself as what constitutes me is a collection of thoughts and experiences collected over 22 years. I am infinite you could zoom in infinitely on a physical, mental or energetic level and never reach an end, that’s what God is. I am indeed very lost in the ocean of forms in existence, yes it’s beautiful but God can know itself without experiencing limited forms. There is another way. I don’t know what that way is, but there is another way because God is infinite and this everything is possible. Perhaps my approach to this exploration is a bit disconnected and for this it is creating a gap. Maybe once this gap is resolved the confusion and frustration will be resolved. I am actually traveling right now and am currently visiting Sweden. (I’m from the United States) I have been writing a book about how the noosphere affects the biosphere since 2017.

[zeroISinfinity]

@nexusoflife

There is that awesome Juice while You are deluded. Drug addiction while You navigate Dream. It's much easier to navigate it from position of separated self. All these Sweet delusions make the expirience.There is no experience without them. 

You Can only enter Slumber state while You think about it. So slumber state is itself same delusion. 

My advice, Just play it out use that apparent form to Create. 

[nexusoflife]

@remember Phenomena is all of the forms of God. It's God playing in it's imagination so it can learn about itself through limited forms.

[Consilience]

Do you feel grateful for what you’ve learned? Do you feel grateful for your individuated, illusory moment of living this lifetime of nexusoflife?

Your awakening process seems to lack love and gratitude for what God, you have done. Love and appreciate what it is you have done. You certainly have reached levels of consciousness 99% of humans havent reached, at least that’s what your post makes it sounds like. But it can always go deeper. And particularly deeper into what Existential Love is. Total absolute acceptance of what is. Total acceptance of form, acceptance of formlessness, and reverence and gratitude for all that exists or doesn’t. 

[zeroISinfinity]

@Consilience Very Well said. 

Full complete acceptance, forgiveness and Yes repentance. 

That's how You sober out. You fully sober out. 

Once this happens which is Pure catharsis. 

You are free, you can actually feel it. 

There is no Liberation without full removal of ignorance. 

Perfect equinimity which grows into Raptourios Infinite Love(ki da hard to live life as such) 

Perfect symmetry and all goodies follow up one another. 

Path is deep and THIS always holds answer. That's why THIS is Just fascinating. Pure fascination Will return. 

Beleive it or not but even post Full Awakening there is a path. 

Fascinating it is Just fascinating. 

You fall i to so e melodrama of the mind and You just pay attention to YOURSELF and answer is right there. That's how funny this is. 

Totality of God unfreaking escapable. 

It's Just funny way to funny. Don't even Try to ponder THIS with logical mind lol. ❤️?

Edited September 29, 2019 by zeroISinfinity

[nexusoflife]

@Consilience I feel grateful but not as grateful as I could be.I struggle with loving all that arises and I don't know why. I love all of myself as a human currently and it feels great! But as God I don't love all aspects of existence which I am, and it feels strange like a hole or a gap between nondual awareness and this human mind. I still have an issue with the infinite menagerie of forms and the suffering that many forms experience. You are right a much deeper dive into love and acceptance for existence is what I need to focus on. Are there any books, techniques or practices that you would recommend?

[nexusoflife]

@zeroISinfinity I got a lot of value from that post. Love, acceptance, balance. Follow your path and play authentically. Even now I feel my mind trying to understand your post fully; but I will be honest I don't and I'm OK with that because as I continue in life I will and it will be great. Thanks.

Edited September 29, 2019 by nexusoflife

[Consilience]

58 minutes ago, nexusoflife said:

@Consilience I feel grateful but not as grateful as I could be.I struggle with loving all that arises and I don't know why. I love all of myself as a human currently and it feels great! But as God I don't love all aspects of existence which I am, and it feels strange like a hole or a gap between nondual awareness and this human mind. I still have an issue with the infinite menagerie of forms and the suffering that many forms experience. You are right a much deeper dive into love and acceptance for existence is what I need to focus on. Are there any books, techniques or practices that you would recommend?

Unfortunately I don't have any book recommendations, but what I've started doing during my meditation sessions (I do 1 hour per day) is the first 45 minutes I will exclusively focus on my breath, but that last 15 minutes, I let my attention expand into awareness while simultaneously allowing the feelings of gratitude and love to unfold. 

It's interesting, my background with spirituality is totally intellectual. I only stumbled into Leo's content because of a deep intellectual curiosity into the nature of consciousness. For better or for worse, Leo's content has always been more intellectual  for me. It's almost like his work and videos act as a way for me to "open my 3rd eye" so to speak. However, on my first LSD trip I was shown infinite love and infinite gratitude, and what was so astonishing was not only did the LSD show me these things, but I had the insight that it was my mind which broke my connection to these things. I had finally started to "open my heart chakra." The very nature of reality is one of total, complete infinite acceptance, love and self gratitude, which is wildly unexplainable to the logical mind. It is the human mind, the human ego which clouds consciousness, or God from seeing this fact and yet nevertheless these facets of reality persist. For anything to Be requires Being to fully Accept what is. 

In terms of recommended practices: Actively practicing gratitude inside and outside of meditation is huge. Practicing acceptance of whatever form is arising too. This acceptance will eventually snowball into love. And finally, contemplating the nature of Love, Gratitude, Reverence, and Acceptance while on psychedelics.

I hope this helps <3 And also, thank you for sharing your journey thus far. It was an incredibly interesting read  

[nexusoflife]

@Consilience Thank you. I also meditate 1 hour per day but I have been doing the do nothing technique for years. I am going to incorporate these changes and see what happens. I have a very good feeling about this. I need to really truly open my heart chakra all the way up. I also had an LSD trip where I felt a similar vibe to yours in this area. I have to open my heart to loving all that is, so I can really see the beauty in all that is. Consciously being a loving human will now become a big part of my practice perhaps my main practice which I stack all other practices on top of. Thanks again for the advice and words of wisdom.

[zeroISinfinity]

Well, What else might help is to finally realize that there are no forms at all. Apparent physicality and borders are of The Spirit. Actually they are Pure Love. Like Everything else. 

There are no arising forms at all. 

Think this might help in loosening up that core deep beleif You might hold. This will bring You peace and Love with everything That IS. 

Actual Truth is way past Buddhism. 

Entire path is of You by You for You. 

It really is funny. So What it is to Deny or not allow. 

Joke. 

Edited September 29, 2019 by zeroISinfinity