Liberation (Thank you, Leo)

[Koyaanisqatsi]

This is mostly a message of gratitude--to Leo.

Leo's channel and videos came to me at a time of need and now for me liberation has happened. The illusion is completely seen through. Suffering is gone, the sense of doership/agency is gone, separation is gone, meaning is gone. 

Thank you Leo for having your videos and this web site. They were an integral part of the profound shift that has happened. I want to tell my story briefly in case it inspires or helps anyone here.

Caveats:

• I'm not interested in playing non-dual word games. I'll use 'regular' language so it's easier to understand.
• So-called 'enlightenment' is not a certifiable event. I'm not interested in arguing about whether or not I am really 'liberated'. I know my experience, and I’m not asking anyone to believe me. It doesn't matter.
• These are just words and concepts--pointers, not the truth.
• This is my experience. There are many paths. Go with what resonates for you.
• It's only a story, told by a fool, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

 

The Story

I first heard of enlightenment through zen in my early 20's - I somehow got an audio tape of 'The Way of Zen' by Alan Watts. I was intrigued, but thought liberation was out of reach for me, that it was only for monks or something. I did some zen and mindfulness reading in my 20's. Lots of Thich Nhat Hahn and some of the classics like Herrigel. Also some Taoism.

Then more life happened and as I got older, my suffering increased. I realized that I was very anxious and had some anger management issues. I saw everyone in the world as an idiot if they didn't do things the way I thought they should. I found Leo's channel and his videos helped with anxiety, getting more positive, and increased my emotional intelligence and mental control. I started to meditate again, this time seriously and it stuck right away. I easily got up to 45-60 minutes a day. I loved it.

Along the way, I re-discovered non-duality through Leo's videos.I read many books and watched countless videos on YouTube. I watched a lot of the 'big name' gurus like Mooji and Adyashanti, read some Peter Ralston.

Then I found Rupert Spira from forums and Leo's book list. Rupert showed me my true nature. His pointers were so clear. I was looking for 'the answer' to "Who am I?" and somehow when he pointed it was immediately revealed. I did a couple of retreats with Rupert. They were beautiful experiences and the energy was intense. Rupert's teaching is close to Ramana Maharshi's and is sometimes called 'the direct path' because you go to your true nature and you stay there. That is, in essence, what I did. My daily meditation became this--abiding as awareness (it's also called things like 'resting in being' or 'going to the I am'--it's being in contact with your core/source). Rupert's yoga meditations helped dissolve tensions in the body and really helped deal with suffering (and there was a lot on the way).

I discovered Roger Castillo, and though I originally dismissed him, he may have been one of the most helpful teachers for me. He has a practical, bottom-up approach and it helped me really really see that there is no doer in me or anyone--that this is all just happening. That may have been 'it' but it's hard to say.

At some point a deep peace set in where there used to be self-referential thoughts (something left, nothing was gained). At another point, all the meaning dropped from the world. Neither were set points in time, I can't say exactly when they happened, but when I looked back I noticed them.

There are still more insights and integration just seems to keep happening.

For what it's worth, Jim Newman and Tony Parsons messages resonated well, but I was mostly just agreeing at that point. There is some energy there, though--they are to me like living koans. They are not for early on I don't think, but their message can stop thinking cold, revealing what can't be thought or known. So beautiful.

 

These things may have helped (who knows):

• I always had a curious, exploring nature. Always seeking. For example, I have two bars from "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" tattooed on my arm.
• There was questioning of reality from an early age, and a feeling that something isn't right--that I am not of this world or am somehow different.
• I have always had the ability to see and be comfortable with paradox.
• I had a near-death experience as a teen. What I felt when I gave in to the 'fact' that I was going to die was the same way I feel now. It was a very early glimpse but I thought it was 'God' at the time (I was right in a way).

Teachers that really affected me (or seemed to):

• Rupert Spira
• Roger Castillo
• Jim Newman

Other teachers I resonated with at some point and at some level:

• Ramana Maharshi
• Tom Das
• Paul Smit
• Gautam Sachdeva
• Fred Davis (he may seem kind of kooky but something in his energy spoke to me--it's not all about words)
• Lisa Cairns
• Tony Parsons
• Gangaji

Tips for seekers:

• Follow your heart, not your head
• Question all assumptions
• Believe nothing
• The only way out is through
  • Expect shit to come up
  • You may need to clear energies that help hold the idea of separation together.
  • Rupert Spira's yoga meditations helped me a lot in dissolving the physical sense of being a body.
• You must explore. This actually can't be known. It is prior to thought.
• It could be thought of like this:
  • There is awakening, which I would call having a peak experience or glimpse. You momentarily contact what is and wow! Is it amazing. These apparently can last from minutes to weeks or even months (for me it was days).
  • Then there is realization, which is a visceral 'wow' or 'aha' moment of getting it, but it's not over. This seems to be a result of contemplation. It almost bubbles up from inside you and you see how it is so intellectually-ish.
  • Then there is liberation, when this realization is taken into life and seen in enough cases that self-referential thoughts fall away and everything simply becomes the way it is. It is so simple in the end. So ordinary and obvious. There are 'awake' people who never take this step.  It is important for suffering to fall away.
• Watch yourself like a hawk
  • Towards the end especially, I did a lot of examining of what was going on. I would do quick 'rewinds' in my head of my experience and tried to determine if I actually did what I just 'did' or it just happened. This alone sparked awakenings/glimpses.
• Every thought is untrue.

The core of it all is to investigate these beliefs and discover their untruth:

• I am a separate, individual entity in control of what I do.
  • Actually, there is no doer in you or anyone. This is all just happening and it's aware of itself.
• I need circumstances to go the way I want them to in order to be happy and/or fulfilled.
  • Actually, you do not need life to turn out a certain way to be happy. You are already complete, whole, and fulfilled at your core. Find your core (hint: it's the only thing that is always here).

 

Thanks again Leo, and peace to all of you.

Ken

 

PS - Leo, you were so right. You are a strange loop. 

Edited September 30, 2019 by Koyaanisqatsi

[Koyaanisqatsi]

I'm happy to answer questions if anyone has any.

[dorg]

@Koyaanisqatsi Thanks for taking the time to post this. Very helpful.

[Commodent]

Great post. Thank you for sharing

[Waken]

Thank you for that. How long did it take you?

[Koyaanisqatsi]

15 hours ago, Waken said:

Thank you for that. How long did it take you?

That is a good question. In a way, it took me about 50 years (my whole life), but I know that isn't what you are looking for. From the time it felt like I got 'serious' it was only maybe two or three years. I think I had a lot of things going in my favor, it's hard to say what really 'makes' things happen as this is all so spontaneous, and in the end things like 'cause and effect' are seen as just part of the dream. Anyway, I was laser-focused on this (like I always have been with new stuff)--it was pretty much the only thing I did aside from work and family. It was the only thing that mattered and between meditation, reading, and watching videos I probably averaged about 4 hours a day of activity. This all slowed down toward the end. Seeking sort of slowed down and eventually stopped. Daily meditation stopped at one point (it felt right at the time--follow your heart when doing this as it's the type of thing that can also increase egoic/self thoughts). I will still sit and meditate sometimes, but only when that feeling arises. 

[Koyaanisqatsi]

Here is an excerpt from an interview with Tony Parsons. He puts it so well--all I can do is nod and agree. This probably doesn't really make a lot of sense, but hopefully someday you will see it does. 

 

Question: You make a distinction between awakening and liberation.

Tony: In liberation there no longer is a sense of there being a separate individual. Liberation is the complete end of the sense of separation. But there’s still a body mind organism that has conditioned memories, and has responses and preferences. That’s aliveness. That goes on.

Q. Emotions still keep popping up.

Oh absolutely. Anything can happen. Nothing is denied. The difference between the liberated one, or rather: liberation, and individuality is that when an emotion like anger arises, it just arises for no one, but all the time there’s an individual who thinks it’s his anger; that happening to him, that he owns it. In individuality there’s always an ownership of everything. In liberation there’s no one that owns the anger, but still the anger can arise, as it did before for no one. In individuality the so-called person keeps thinking it’s happening to him. In liberation it’s simply anger, happening to no one.

Q. Isn’t there still a subtle duality present then, because on the one side there is ego-related anger, and on the other hand there’s something witnessing this.

Well, that’s how it feels, but in liberation there is no witness. That’s over. In awakening there can be a witness, and even before awakening there can be a witness, but in liberation there isn’t even something that is aware of manifestation. There is just being, whatever is.

Q. And this is not comprehensible . . .

Tony: No, it’s a total mystery. And of course it goes against most teachings, which teach that in enlightenment there is no anger, there is no thinking.

This is ignorance. This is an idea of what perfection should look like. In liberation, nothing is denied.

Q. Everything is perfect.

Tony: Everything is perfect, but it isn’t happening to anyone any longer.”

[Leo Gura]

@Koyaanisqatsi Congrats! And thanks for sharing your story.

[kieranperez]

@Koyaanisqatsi love it man  very much appreciate the no fluff explanation. Very refreshing (particularly on here haha). Happy for you and glad I got to read your story! 

[Koyaanisqatsi]

37 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

@Koyaanisqatsi Congrats! And thanks for sharing your story.

Thank you, Leo. I'm sure that you'll be surprised some day how it's the biggest nothing there is. It's a total non-happening. It's the most ordinary extraordinary event, and no one cares. Liberation is certainly highly under-reported because when it happens there is no one left to think it's even worth mentioning. There was a lot of gratitude for you and always a desire to help others. So many do not want to hear about non-duality. As I'm sure you've seen, it's a very threatening message. If anyone reading this is drawn to it, I say relax because you are one of the few, and the anti-virus is already in the system. You made it on the train, so-to-speak. Now just find a seat--your job is done. Let life take over.

Peace,

Ken

 

PS - Rumi is beautiful: "Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass the world is too full to talk about." 

[allislove]

Really liked Tony Parsons interview, thanks for sharing. 

[Blissout]

Thanks for sharing your story!

The very moment the shift happened, (perhaps 1-20 min before) what did you do?

Did you "practice" staying as awareness? or did you read something that suddenly "made you" go AHA?

Edited September 30, 2019 by Blissout

[Sempiternity]

Wow, thank you for sharing your journey. Very inspiring. 

If I had to guess, I'd say this is why Leo does what he does.

[Esoteric]

@Koyaanisqatsi Thanks for sharing.

How good is your concentration? For you, how important was concentration in reaching liberation?

[cle103]

Thx alot for sharing! 

I' curious about a couple points: 
 

On 29.9.2019 at 2:46 AM, Koyaanisqatsi said:

• • Towards the end especially, I did a lot of examining of what was going on. I would do quick 'rewinds' in my head of my experience and tried to determine if I actually did what I just 'did' or it just happened. This alone sparked awakenings/glimpses.

1. Could you go more into more depth on how this would look? ^ 
 

2. Did you encounter fear of death (or deep fear/panic in general)? How did you overcome it? 

3. What did your day to day practice look like? 
 

On 29.9.2019 at 2:46 AM, Koyaanisqatsi said:

You may need to clear energies that help hold the idea of separation together.

4. What did you do in particular to do this? ^

 

 

 

[Koyaanisqatsi]

9 hours ago, Blissout said:

Thanks for sharing your story!

The very moment the shift happened, (perhaps 1-20 min before) what did you do?

Did you "practice" staying as awareness? or did you read something that suddenly "made you" go AHA?

So this was actually a very confusing point for me, probably because of the early Zen reading/study I did. In Zen, it seemed like monks were always getting instantly enlightened, so that's what I expected.

However, that isn't how it works. First, there is what could be called, 'Awakening'. These are glimpses of source/nonduality/reality (it has no name, really). These are spontaneous, "wow!" moments that can last hours or days or weeks. They are like sneak peeks and for me usually came while inquiring but not always. For example, this is what happened to Eckhart Tolle when he questioned whether there were two of himself. He was not 'enlightened' at that point. Many people confuse awakenings with liberation. 

Then there is what could be called realization (these stages are just concepts)--more of an intellectual 'understanding' of what is happening. 

Finally, there is liberation--at some point, enough things fall away that you look back and see that there is no longer a sense of "I", or fear, or suffering, or whatever. Liberation is all loss--nothing is gained. It's like the ending of a headache. You're not really sure when it ended, but you know your head doesn't hurt any longer.

The main meditation I did was simply abiding as awareness. Then I started abiding as awareness outside of meditation (very slowly at first--like 2 seconds at a time--but it gets 'easier'), and after about a year or more of doing that, it became permanent. The connection to source is always there. In the process, the sense of self dissolved. Self inquiry or self abidance (also called 'self remembrance') is like poking a fire with a stick. The stick is the sense of separation and it dissolves into the fire. It just takes what seems like forever.  

[Koyaanisqatsi]

4 hours ago, Esoteric said:

@Koyaanisqatsi Thanks for sharing.

How good is your concentration? For you, how important was concentration in reaching liberation?

I can say that I am not distracted by thoughts involving time (past and future)--that is the realm of the separate 'me'. So I'm very present, but other than that no special powers or abilities are granted. It's surprising how little changes (but everything is totally different at the same time). The same basic thoughts and feelings and actions are there, but without anyone invested in them. 

I'm not sure how helpful concentration is on its own, really. It felt like the single-minded determination was helpful here, but it's hard to say. The illusion is so convincing and so enticing that concentrating on self inquiry and direct experience should be helpful in seeing through the illusion. Still, someone could stumble upon an awakening (for example, I met a woman who at 6 years old tried to think about what 'nothing' was and had an awakening experience). 

I highly advise seekers to follow their gut. It's good to 'get' nonduality intellectually (if that's part of your path), but your flow, your path, is sort of given to you through your 'heart'. It's intuitive. In a way, liberation is about authenticity--following the natural impulses and thoughts that arise, and not the ones that we 'think'--those are shoulds and shouldn'ts and are part of the illusion. Mind itself is not the problem, but some ways of thinking are the problem and it can be hard to separate them. Try to be sensitive to your intuition--your path could be completely different and it's all good. 

[Koyaanisqatsi]

1 hour ago, cle103 said:

Thx alot for sharing! 

I' curious about a couple points: 
  On 9/28/2019 at 5:46 PM, Koyaanisqatsi said:
Towards the end especially, I did a lot of examining of what was going on. I would do quick 'rewinds' in my head of my experience and tried to determine if I actually did what I just 'did' or it just happened. This alone sparked awakenings/glimpses.

1. Could you go more into more depth on how this would look? ^ 
 

2. Did you encounter fear of death (or deep fear/panic in general)? How did you overcome it? 

3. What did your day to day practice look like? 
 

On 9/28/2019 at 5:46 PM, Koyaanisqatsi said:
You may need to clear energies that help hold the idea of separation together.

4. What did you do in particular to do this? ^

 

 

 

Sure. #1 was basically self inquiry. Self inquiry is not just for meditation. It can be done anywhere and everywhere. Watch your direct experience closely, and only refer to your direct experience. Who is doing _______? Did I decide to do that, or did it just happen? 

#4 - Rupert Spira's yoga meditations. His wife, Ellen Emmett does them too--I believe that is her main teaching. Try and see if they work for you. Here is one that I have done: 

He has two boxed sets of meditations. I have "Transparent Body, Luminous World" and that has my favorite track, "Kiss the Toad." That is a super powerful meditation for when life is not fun. It helped heal and release many tensions for me.

[Alex bliss]

Can you share some guided meditation on YouTube for abiding as self 

[Alex bliss]

What will be your reaction if I try to kill you