Emotional Sobriety Journal

[Bill W]

Happy to interact with anyone who wants to. Happy to receive suggestions and feedback. But what I will do is acknowledge them on here and then reply to you via private message. Doing it this way will keep the journal on point and not overly conversational. Genuinely do want interaction! 

Goals of the Journal

• To provide a written account of the progress, or lack of, in addressing the difficulties 
• To help promote a deeper connection with forum members
• To help others, and to be helped by others

Methods

• One post per day minimum to foster routine and habit
• Constant, daily references to self-help and spiritual material. A mixture of books, quotes, YouTube, and music will form the bedrock of this journal. I will highlight the source material and describe my understanding of how it relates to me, and my efforts to integrate the source material into my ongoing recovery
• Shadow Work
• Values Work

Big Picture Issues (all the below three of course overlap)

• Discipline
• Values alignment 
• Interpersonal 

List of Difficulties the Journal will focus on

Discipline & Self-Care 

• Nutrition
• Exercise
• Sleep
• Meditation & Prayer
• Attention & Concentration 
• Action

Values alignment

• Engaging in character assassination
• Selfishness 
• Entitlement 
• Blaming
• Punishing
• Not admitting I've done the same thing
• Expecting others to be what they are not
• Avoidance

Interpersonal

• Not being open and honest, expecting others to “read between the lines”
• Intolerance
• Impatience
• Not admitting when I was at fault and/or saying sorry
• Acting superior 

At the route of everything listed above is FEAR

[Preety_India]

I like this journal 

[Bill W]

Thank you

[Bill W]

My main guides in terms of books are the following;

• Alcoholics Anonymous (variety of texts)
• Divine Therapy & Addiction - Thomas Keating
• Recovery - Russell Brand
• Letting Go - David R. Hawkins
• The Buddha Said - OSHO
• Meditations – Marcus Aurelius
• Dancing With Life – Phillip Moffitt
• Jesus Speaking on falling in love with life - Gina Lake
• The Bible (Good News Bible)
• The Mastery of Love - Don Miguel Ruiz
• The Fifth Agreement - Don Miguel Ruiz
• The Success Principles - Jack Canfield
• Life Strategies - Dr Phillip C McGraw
• The Chimp Paradox - Dr Steve Peters

 

Two texts that may well prove to be very important that I haven't started yet are;

• A Course In Miracles
• Shadow Dance - David Richo 

 

Other authors who will be referenced aside from the above include;

• Gerald Jampolsky
• The Happy Buddha
• Thich Nhat Hanh
• Rick Hanson
• Russ Harris
• Viktor E. Frankl
• Ruth Field
• John B. Arden
• Charles Duhigg

Edited September 29, 2019 by Bill W
Typo x2

[Zigzag Idiot]

Yea! ?‍♂️You started a Journal!

An interesting and great start as well.

I like all David Hawkins books and The Mastery of Love and The Fifth Agreement also. ?

[Bill W]

Thanks friend ??

[Bill W]

At the bear minimum in terms of prayer and meditation, this is how I intend to start and end my day. I've been doing this routine from the script below on and off for a few months, mostly OFF and not doing it. This is insane because I know it works and I know it grounds me. I need to stick with it, then expand it perhaps. 

So basically, the first 5 minutes is mindfulness meditation. I am seated with eyes closed and I am paying attention to only the sounds around me. It could be the wind moving the leaves around, or the birds chirping away, or the sounds of the traffic. There is always some sound to focus on. When my mind wanders, I bring it back to the sounds. 

Then I spend the next 10 minutes going through the below. The prayers I verbally read out, the rest, I just slowly read and contemplate (to a degree).

Values

• Humility
• Open Mindedness
• Honesty
• Compassion & Forgiveness
• Faith & Courage 

Questions to ask yourself

• Am I sure?   
• Have I taken something personally?
• Are my demands realistic?

OSHO

• A law exists. If you follow it, it brings wellness. If you don’t follow it, you get sick. The whole question is of awareness and discipline. Understand the law and be in harmony with it. Don’t be in conflict with it, that’s all.  Whenever you are in emotional pain it is an indication that you have gone against the law. Bring awareness to the situation and see where you are in conflict with the law. The law is not punishing you, you are punishing yourself by going against the law. God is not a person, it is a law. 

Thich Nhat Hanh

• There is suffering
• Understand your suffering
• Know that recovery is possible
• Follow the path to recovery

Thich Nhat Hanh

• Make the Truth available
• Practice the Truth

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name; thy kingdom come; thy will be done; on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, for ever and ever.

Father, today, let me be gentle with myself and others. Help me find the balance between assertive action taken in my own best interests, and love for others.

Father, make me a channel of thy peace – that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness – that where there is discord, I may bring harmony – that where there is error I may bring truth – that where there is doubt, I may bring faith – that where there is despair, I may bring hope. For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. 

Father, I ask that everything I want for myself to also be given to ………………… I wish them good health, peace of mind and happiness.
 

Edited September 29, 2019 by Bill W
Presentation

[Bill W]

Humility is so important to me. I am not doing great on this right now. I am living too much in "knowing mind" and "entitlement mind".

Small acts of humility can go unnoticed, but at the end of the day, all these small acts add up to a feeling of internal satisfaction. A feeling of peace. It enhances my serenity. Humility also greatly facilitates learning and greatly improves your quality of communication and your relationships. 

I love this. What do you think?

 

 

[Raphael]

 

 

 

1

On 9/30/2019 at 0:06 PM, Bill W said:

Humility is so important to me. I am not doing great on this right now. I am living too much in "knowing mind" and "entitlement mind".

Small acts of humility can go unnoticed, but at the end of the day, all these small acts add up to a feeling of internal satisfaction. A feeling of peace. It enhances my serenity. Humility also greatly facilitates learning and greatly improves your quality of communication and your relationships. 

I love this. What do you think?

I love this too 

[Bill W]

@Raphael It's a good one. Gets me every time. A high intensity delivery of what humility is!

So, in trying to practice humility and know what humility is, I came up with this.

 

Humility

Thinking elements

• You have nothing to prove
• It’s not all about you
• You are no better than anyone else
• Awareness that every person and circumstance is a potential teacher

Behavioural elements

• Being able to apologise 
• Not trying to win an argument just to prove a point 
• Less talking, more listening
• Making the other person the centre of the conversation
• Communicating gratitude
• Communicating forgiveness

Questions to ask

• Am I sure?  Am I stepping outside of not-knowing mind?
• Are my demands out of touch with reality?
• My communication; is it true? It is timely? Is it helpful?

 

[tsuki]

I just noticed this journal. I'm glad that you started!

[Bill W]

@tsuki Thanks 

In terms of the next few days on this journal, I think I'm going to ride with the humility stuff. 

I hypothesise that most people on the self development / self actualization / spiritual path would like to consider themselves as sufficiently humble. For me, this is like most people who are asked considering themselves as having above average intelligence (do the math on that! Something ain't right!).

I'm not for one second trying to put someone down or in anyway profess to being some kind of skilled diagnostic machine in terms of who is sufficiently humble.

I also accept that humility is not at the top or near the top of everyone's self actualization Christmas present wish list.

I am not a humble human being. Humility is not my strong point. It can't be. If it was, my emotional sobriety would be stronger. I can explain more about this statement later. 

God speed one and all.

Truth can only move forward. It doesn't know how to move backwards. Can't remember who said that, but it's powerful stuff. 

[studentofthegame]

Some good stuff in here Bill. As a man who I know has experience in 12-step, i would like to hear your thoughts on co-dependents anonymous and whether you know of anyone it has helped.

Edited October 3, 2019 by studentofthegame

[Bill W]

@studentofthegame Thanks will PM you now

[Bill W]

I'm going to write more on my relationship with humility over the weekend, but for now I wanted to note that I really want to investigate the phenomenon of Karma if phenomenon is the right word. Karma massively intrigues me. I've just spent an hour searching the Karma posts on here and have a few videos to watch over the weekend. 

 

[DrewNows]

@Bill W hey before you do all that research id encourage you to make your own definition for karma as it relates to you because this is something we can do with any and all knowledge/experience. Then perhaps share your reevaluated conclusions 

what ideas and other interpretations of our senses mean to us is what gives them power over us and our reality ??

[Bill W]

@DrewNows Will try and do this Mr Drew 

I don't know whether this counts as an "insight" or more of a moment of self-reflection today. I wonder if I've made so much "progress" in one area of my life, that I've gone too far and up and out the other side of what is "optimal". I put progress in speech marks as it's probably part progress and part an unintentional swapping of one social liability for another one. 

I was thinking about how socially anxious I used to be. I still get it some times, but nothing like how it used to be. 

I used to spend hours wondering what people thought of me. How I came across. Did I sound or look like and idiot? Does he like me? Does she like me? Am I a popular person? Or am I a reject? I'd have interactions at college, university, or at work, and then analyse the interaction over and again to try and work out of I'd been an idiot of some description, or have a reason to be deeply embarrassed. I'd be worried about being made an outcast or a reject. I think this might have stemmed from some really bad psychological bullying I had at school. It was two years non-stop. Aged 14 to 16. I went from a "Jack the Lad" kind of "ringleader" boy to the school idiot, the one who had hardly any friends and was often on his own. It was like there was a revolt or uprising and someone else succeeded me and I was driven out of the pack of Lions to become a hunted prey. 

Anyway, from about 14yrs old to well into my 30's I'd have this anxiety I was about to be cast aside from the group again. Whatever group that was... friends, work colleagues, family....It's fascinating to think this needing to be part of a group is probably instilled in our psyche as it would have helped protect us from predators a long time ago (and perhaps still now to a degree). I read once that this instinct to remain part of the herd had to be in place for our survival? I'm not arguing against the need for human to human connection and being a social creature. I know and believe the many benefits this can have. It's just amazing how much fear creeps in when we are worried about being ostracized from a very small group of people, when the truth is, we probably go through life entering and leaving set social and other groups of people all the time. However, I realise I am speaking from the perspective of someone who is able to move from group to group if he chose. I'm sure there are millions out there that don't have this luxury for one reason or another. 

After lots of self-help including an absolute ton of reading and soul searching, some therapy, medication playing a part, and generally outgrowing some of this social anxiety and fear, I now feel like I don't give a shit what people think. I don't think this is just a denial either. Apart from a very select few triggers about my relationship with my father, I genuinely feel like I couldn't care less if a work colleague or family member thought ill of me. Friends who I really value, perhaps yes, I would be concerned, but even with close friends I no longer spend time over-thinking how they feel about me or how they regard me. I don't cling to anyone's approval (apart from the sentence below this) and I wonder if that's a problem? 

I also do have body image hang up's, but this is very specific and rarely causes distress like it used to. It's still a problem though as I allow it to block my efforts to make the first move in finding another partner. So, I do care what women (who I am attracted to) think of my appearance. This I would really like to work on. 

So this seemingly "thicker skin" has it's benefits. Less background anxiety for one. Less holding back and withholding expressing my opinion. More confident in challenging people or drawing the line. More willing to accept any consequences if someone doesn't like me, or didn't like a particular interaction they had with me. I believe that even if a select few turned against me out of the blue, that I could cope with that.

The best thing about this is that I no longer catastrophise about what people think of me. That was fucking debilitating in years gone by. 

Anyway, the point of this post is that, sometimes I wonder if not giving a shit what people think makes me come across as arrogant, aloof, or detached. 

Some of my spiritual journey in the last 12 months has actually reinforced my ability to not worry about what others think. AA has been good with this. It's taught me that I am not the only person riddled with character defects. I've learned that character defects are rife among virtually all of us to some degree or another. Therefore, if someone wants to throw shit at me, I know they are far from innocent themselves. And if I want to throw shit at someone else, I have learned that I am full of shit anyway! This has aided my path to trying to me a more humble human being.

Don Miguel Ruiz writes some amazing stuff about how pointless it is to judge others and how pointless it is to allow yourself to be judged. He writes about the "image" other people have of us. They only have this "image" of us. They cannot possibly know enough about us to make an accurate judgement, or accurate enough to justify their total conclusion of you. So this works both ways. I have an "image" of everyone else. It's not the true picture. It's an "image" I have created of them. David R. Hawkins writes similar stuff about the futility of negatively judging and negatively labeling people. As does Adyashanti. 

However, and I'll end on this. I'm not sure about patting myself on the back too much for developing the ability to "give less shits" about what people think of me. It helps my anxiety for sure and appears to increase my self-esteem and confidence, BUT, part of my spiritual journey must involve being a better human being for the sake of others as well as myself.

Does giving less shits potentially increase the other person's suffering unnecessarily? 

 

 

 

Edited October 4, 2019 by Bill W

[Bill W]

 

[Ananta]

 

So, I've occasionally wondered whose pic you're using as your profile pic. Tonight I decided to search image on Google-

 

 

Very cool!?

 

 

Edited October 6, 2019 by Anna1

[Bill W]

@Anna1 Nice one. Yep you got it Anna. I never even knew you could do that on Google to be honest.