The Path Toward Excellence

[Raptorsin7]

    This is my first journal post, i'm planning on updating every few days. Ill begin with a little background for context. I'm in my early 20s, i'm a law student, I've been meditating for about 2 years, i've been interested in self actualizing ever since i heard of the topic as a teenager, and I want to learn how to be an excellent person in everything i do. 

   I just read @pluto's post about LOA and how to manifest what i want in life, and it brings back memories to when i was depressed and i overcame by "acting as if". At that time i was severely depressed about becoming bald, and i spent a year basically crying about how i'm going to be a loser and everything i had done up to that point would be useless because i'd just be an ugly, bald dude at the end of the day. I hit a rock bottom after my dad threatened to kick me out, and i just started faking confidence one day and really just told myself stuff like, I am confident, I am good looking, I think positively, and boom within 2 weeks of this stuff my life transformed. I had more confidence than i ever had before, and i for the first time in my life i actually loved the way i looked. It was like i had a fire burning inside me, i could function highly on less than 5 hours of sleep, and  i truly believed i was self actualized. 

   Fast forward 4 years to the present moment, i'm now 2 years into a strong meditation habit, and i feel like i'm on a stable path toward freedom/enlightenment, but i no longer live the fire that i achieved through  "acting as if". I feel good about how i look, but not amazing, and i have some confidence, but not superb confidence.

   For the past 24 hours i've been telling myself, I love how i look, i feel amazing, i am self actualized, i have incredible confidence, I have a beautiful girlfriend, I am happy. We will see how this plays out. I'm also doing about 20-30 minutes of concentration practice, 5 days a week of ashtanga yoga, and 1 hour per day of self inquiry. But to be honest i have most faith in my inner dialogue affirmations, i've felt the power of faking it until you make it, and if i'm be 100% honest if i had been able to sustain that HIGH i was on after overcoming meditation i don't if i ever would have started meditating because the experience was that powerful.

   I will trying and keep my future posts shorter, but idk, let me know in the comments if you guys want shorter ones or longer ones. My plan is to keep you up to date on techniques i'm using, and if i have any profound transformations in my experience that i can attribute to any of these techniques.

 

 

Edited September 28, 2019 by Raptorsin7

[Raptorsin7]

This video literally changed my life, I remember listening to this and feeling like a fucking super soilder, but i don't feel like that anymore. WHY????

[pluto]

Beautiful, i am glad i have sparked something within you as that is my greatest joy on this earth, to see others rise and shine!

[Raptorsin7]

Past few days have been interesting. I've been pretty consistent with no fap these past 2 months, maybe 2 fap's in 2 months, and i hadn't fell urges in a long time. However, the past few days i was insanely horny and i downloaded dating apps hoping to meet some girls for casual relations. I've been through this cycle of not fapping in the past, only to download dating apps and waste a day or two obsessively checking them and then ultimately fapping. These past few days i've been checking the apps more than i should, and i was close to meeting up with a girl i found really attractive but she flaked me. I ultimately want a stable girlfriend who i love, but until then i want to experience a casual relationship with a girl i actually find hot. In the pat i've used these apps and usually just matched and talked to girls i didn't think were attractive because i thought it'd be usually to get laid out of it. I want to see this through, experience what these apps have to offer, and then move on from them.

I've been good with my habits: self inquiry 1hr, concentration 10 mins, yoga 4-5 days a week, and recently affirmations throughout the day whenever i punctuate my experience with a moment of mindfulness.

In the near time i want to achieve first awakening to the truth of no self, i want to meet a girl online who i find attractive who is down for a casual relationship, and i want to transform my day to day experience with my affirmations. I will update as often as possible, with whatever major is going on and also with a recap of me staying on track with my habits.

[lennart]

good luck. Also just started my self-actualization journal. We can motivate each other

[Raptorsin7]

@lennart Thanks man, i'm going to try and post every other day at a minimum then build up from there. Ill defs come check yours out.

[Raptorsin7]

So, i've been sliding hard since i started my journal, go figures hr aha. I was on no fap for 2 months since early august, i had only masterbated maybe 2 times in 2 months, but these past few days i was super horny and i was basically addicted to online dating for 3 days. I just had a girl over and after i came i instantly regretted it, it's crazy the effect of being horny has on my behavior. I've realized that no fap is great, but if the urge of sex is driving me to dating apps and random sex then i think i'm better off fapping then going through this cycle. Eventually, i want to get off fapping altogether but i feel like at this point whenever i go no fap i can do really well for weeks, but once i get strong urges it usually ends up with me looking for random sex online and its super toxic and i don't like doing it. I always feel guilty and whenever i'm on no fap i always think of people saying like "you have no stick it out man, you can't jerk off or you ruin the whole thing". I don't know i think thinking in absolutes is bad, and i feel like had i just jerked off the first day i was super horny i could have avoided this whole situation. I feel a bit better because me and this girl didn't even have sex but still i regret it, and i feel like i wasted 3 days. I'm going to wake up and do yoga in the morning, and continue with my self inquiry and meditation, so i feel like i can prevent a hard backslide. But, i still feel discouraged about going through this cycle of seeking a random girl just so i can get off, when i know this is toxic behavior and not something that is going to bring me happiness.

I hope my next posts are more to the point of self actualization, and not me caught up in my own web of addictions/bad habits but i want to be transparent too. I'm actually super embarrassed if someone i know this reads this, but i think its for my own good to get this stuff online to keep me in check. 

I'm going to continue with no fap, because i think fapping is a toxic habit overall and i actually prefer not watching porn. But if i get a strong urge that i feel will lead me to dating apps/horny behavior i'm going to fap to get over the urge and then go from there, i don't want to keep up the charade of no fap while i'm spending hours refreshing bumble/tinder hoping for someone to have sex with.

[Raptorsin7]

Still backsliding hard, i'm aware i'm in a rut but i'm too comfortable to push out of this. Two biggest problems right now are my poor diet, and over use of the internet. I realize no matter how much concentration practice or self inquiry I do, if i'm spending my other time just mindlessly surfing the internet then i won't make progress in my life. I've been slacking on my readings for school too, i definitely need to get on top of this stuff. So far school has been a great time though, i've had more fun and met more people in the first month of law school then i did over the entirety of my undergrad. But, i need to be better at cleaning up these simple bad habits that are subtle but definitely super toxic. Junk food, internet addiction, fapping, and poor study habits all need to be corrected. Tomorrow, i will wake up and do yoga and catch up on studying. I need to better. I really want my journal to be about growth and the barriers in my life i'm knocking down, but right now i'm stuck in the sand i need to get out asap.

[Raptorsin7]

Tonight i smoked weed and spent 90 minutes in the float tank. I came out with some insights, i'm nervous i won't be able to apply them because i'm in a rut right now, but we will see. 

List of insights

I have a formula for improving my life based on principles from the book "Psycho-Cybernetics" combined with moment to moment mindfulness. Set a goal with your thoughts, to overcome some worldly issue you are dealing with. For example, right now i need to clean my apartment but i've been procrastinating. After you deposit the goal, you must let go to the moment, and let your body and mind go to work to accomplish the goal; use mindfulness to prevent getting lost in thought and just let your self do the work, all the while being mindful of the moment and trying to see when you have fallen off track. Repeat until the goal is accomplished, have faith YOU will find a way to make it happen and trust your instincts about how to solve the problem. I believe this method will work when applied to any immediate or feasible long term goal, as long as it is consistently applied so as to build momentum in one's life.

I see a lot of people on this forum skeptical about the benefits of weed with meditation and self inquiry. I don't know if this bias is based on their own negative experiences with weed and stoners, or if they recognize some fundamental flaw in the substance that prevents from being effective for self actualization work. I was told to judge something by the fruit it bears, so i will begin to incorporate weed into my self-actualization work, like meditation, and judge the results for myself.

[Raptorsin7]

I just finished a 90 minute float, and I spent the time just going through my thoughts and trying to work out the issues with my inner dialogue. I hear so much about how you have to let go of thoughts and you have to learn just detach from thoughts. But i feel like my thoughts are incredibly important, and in order to improve my life i need to go into the thoughts to improve. I feel like i have heard so much spiritual dogma that it's clouding some of my decision making. I'm sure these cliches and spiritual truisms are genuinely true, but unless I experience them for myself they won't be useful to improve my life. Spiritual dogma is a real issue, but I don't want to go on about it at length.

I feel like i'm over my rut, i'm very thankful (: I spent about 4-5 days masturbating multiple times per day, waking up late, not wanting to go to class, skipping yoga, etc. It was rough because I was aware of what was happening but i felt like i couldn't doing anything because of weak will. After dragging myself to one yoga class, it sparked something  in me and i felt great after it was over. Yoga has been a great habit, i'm very excited to see the impact it has on my life. I'm glad my ruts over, but i still have a lot of work to do. My day to day experience still isn't as magical as i know it could be, and i need to find a way to move my life in the right direction. The next major thing I need to improve is my diet, my diet right now is awful I eat take out for literally every meal. I've been procrastinating buying vegetables for my smoothies, even though the store is legit 2 minutes from my apartment ): 

I need to be better, and i think the key is to act as if. I need to set the goal in my mind, and then tell myself to fake it until i make it. 

[Raptorsin7]

I just woke up after going out last night with a bunch of classmates. Man i feel so depressed this morning. I can feel the sadness and the suffering. Whenever I go out to bars and drink I always wake up the next morning feeling depressed, maybe because I'm way more social when i'm drunk and i recognize my social mistakes? The suffering sucks, but I am happy that I can see it and feel it. It is motivating to go out and get my life to the place I want it to be. Where do i want to be? I don't know, but I feel I'll know it when I get it.

I watched a david goggins video and I feel like the answer to my sadness/suffering is to push through all the things I don't really want to do. I have to study, but i really don't want to do it and I feel like shit while im doing it. I have to clean my apartment, but i always make excuses to do a shit job. I need to push through all these mental blocks in order to find happiness, BUT I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO DO IT. I'm so comfortable watching youtube drama, or going on this forum and reading random posts. I think if i'm not going to be better, I at least need to do things that make me suffer and feel depressed. it sucks to be depressed but it's better to feel this sadness then to not really feel it but still live a fucking unsatisfying life.

Mood: ):

[lennart]

53 minutes ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I just woke up after going out last night with a bunch of classmates. Man i feel so depressed this morning. I can feel the sadness and the suffering. Whenever I go out to bars and drink I always wake up the next morning feeling depressed, maybe because I'm way more social when i'm drunk and i recognize my social mistakes? The suffering sucks, but I am happy that I can see it and feel it. It is motivating to go out and get my life to the place I want it to be. Where do i want to be? I don't know, but I feel I'll know it when I get it.

I watched a david goggins video and I feel like the answer to my sadness/suffering is to push through all the things I don't really want to do. I have to study, but i really don't want to do it and I feel like shit while im doing it. I have to clean my apartment, but i always make excuses to do a shit job. I need to push through all these mental blocks in order to find happiness, BUT I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO DO IT. I'm so comfortable watching youtube drama, or going on this forum and reading random posts. I think if i'm not going to be better, I at least need to do things that make me suffer and feel depressed. it sucks to be depressed but it's better to feel this sadness then to not really feel it but still live a fucking unsatisfying life.

Mood: ):

Oh man I can feel you so much. Got wasted last night with some friends and feel like shit...

[Raptorsin7]

@lennart Yea man it's tough. The bad feeling reminds just how far I have to go. 

[Raptorsin7]

I feel like screaming in frustration ): It's days like today that remind me how far I need to go, and just how undeveloped I am as a person. I feel lonely, I don't feel happy... I have an exam coming up this week, and I feel somewhat prepared but who knows.

I've been meditating an hour a day consistently but I feel like it does nothing when I spend the rest of my day on the internet, eating junkfood. I obviously need to make big changes, but I just don't fucking do anything. 

I am thankful I have established a yoga practice and a meditation practice. I believe the solution to my problem right now is to go into those things that I'm afraid to do. I am afraid of sitting down and studying for a few hours without constant procrastination. I'm afraid to clean my apartment thoroughly, i always clean a bit then just stop. But in the mean time i'm going to do a lot of yoga and a lot of meditation and see where it takes me.

I want fucking happiness, I can see it in my mind and i recognize it in my dreams. But i don't fucking have it in my experience now and it makes me sad ):

 

[Raptorsin7]

I feel very depressed today. i went on a date with a girl but i am not too interested in this situation, but I also want to hook up with someone so i'm still talking to her. I feel bad about this situation, ahh but I feel like I need to see this situation through. Very tough

I have been lowering my meditation to about 30 minutes per day, I need to get my times back up. I wonder if I meditate for 2 or 3 hours per day for a stretch if it will cure my depression. I should definitely try this.

I went to yoga today, and my negative mood affected my practice and how i interacted with my instructor. I was very needy and annoying, ahhh so frustrating. I just want these dark cycles in my life to pass, or at least I need to learn to be productive during these cycles. I WANT TO BE BETTER.

Edited October 23, 2019 by Raptorsin7

[Raptorsin7]

The past few days have been rough. I haven't meditated in three days, and I really had a bad time going back home to see my family. I've been hoping for a while that through meditation, yoga, etc my life would just improve on its own and i wouldn't need to actually DO anything other than put in the work in the habits and let it unfold. I think that's bull shit. I see so many people talking on this forum about giving up thoughts, giving up control, etc but i think i'm misunderstanding the advice or I just don't fucking buy it. I need to actively shape my life.

I realize I need to do start small, and do the little things that are nagging at me. For example, cleaning my apartment fully, talking to my landlord about getting a new set of keys, and/or adding an extra hour to my meditation practice. I need to DO things in order for my life to change. I feel like i know exactly what i need to do, now i just need to start DOING it. 

I feel like i'm at square 1 again since starting law school. I gained some momentum when i started school but I feel like i fell back in the same old rut. But i heard david goggins talking about how he always ended up back at the same rut, and how he learned to keep climbing out. I think that's what I need to do. Just keep on fighting my way out through sheer will and action. I feel I know what to do, I need to stop listening to all the fucking idiots around me who think they know what the fuck is going, if i'm going to improve my life i am the one who has to do it. I know people are trying to help, and some advice is genuinely amazing. But i just get a bad fucking feeling about all the fucking advice getting thrown around and i'm still just sitting here not happy because without action there is FUCKING NOTHING. Advice means nothing without the will to act and follow through, and that is my biggest fucking weakness is ACTING. I need to fucking act, not ask for fucking advice. 

I think i need to stop swearing so much, but that's a fucking problem for a later stage in my development.