Help me save my life, HOW I stop letting others define my value as a person

[Javfly33]

After 1 month of serious consciouss introspection about my social anxiety/anxiety in general...

I just became consciouss, totally sober, totally clear that I have anxiety because in my mind I let the other person define my value.

For example If i want to say something I have catched my mind just thinking in how that other person will value what I am saying/doing, and depeding what I think that person will think, I will do that action/speak that idea or not.

I dont live 100% my time like this but basically this is where it comes my lack of "groundlness", of self-love,  in me.

How do I fix that, I am 24years old so its like maybr 12 years of programming my mind of acting like this.

THere´s no doubt for me know that If i dont switch this my life will become a mess even more and I´ll end up in a serious addiction once the emotional pain and lack-of self love gets even bigger.

I have become more and more aware that I am constantly distracting from emotional sensations that just speak up about how afraid I am and that I dont have power, that my perspective is not powerful, that is what it feels to not love and respect your perspective but i just recently found out, 24 years i´ve been living un-aware of this just some years ago wondering why i felt like a particular way in some situations but i didnt have a clue that it was this serious, please help.

Edited September 26, 2019 by Javfly33

[Leeeon]

I went throu the same thing, but i think in my case it wasn't as severe.

Anyway, i suggest that you first get in touch with what your values are and the things that are authentic to you. After you have become clear about those try to align your Actions and what you say with what is authentic to you. And don't hold yourself back from beeing a little bit more introverted in social situationes in order to center yourself, if thats what you feel like you want to do.

At least that is what i think would have helped me. Good luck!

Edited September 26, 2019 by Leeeon

[Ibn Sina]

3 hours ago, Javfly33 said:

For example If i want to say something I have catched my mind just thinking in how that other person will value what I am saying/doing, and depeding what I think that person will think, I will do that action/speak that idea or not.

What  you are doing is completely fine. Of course we all should think what other person might think before we say it, instead of speaking whatever comes to mind, because that is a recipe of needless drama and too much suffering.
For example if  I post whatever the hell I want in this forum, if I just insult people because I don't care whether they will like it or not, then I might get banned from here. So yes, we should think what other  people think of us.
Sometimes I get warnings in this forum because my brain is not able to correctly guess whether what I write will be bad according to the moderator or not, in other words, I fall short in the guessing game of what the moderator might be thinking and hence I get warnings, this means the skill of thinking what other people may be thinking is more important, not less.

However, here's what you have to know. You  , the person reading right now, is a valuable person who has his own rights, his own needs, his own wants. And you need to assert that.

What you should do is- Think what other people might think of  your actions.
What you shouldn't do is- Act according to whether other people like what you do or not. 
That is the thing.
You need to assert your own beliefs, rights, wants to the world and not become a punching bag to the world  or a people pleaser  or do what the world wants you to do. They don't  want you to live the way you want, the world instead has a desire to control you and they will keep trying to do so as long as you allow it. Fight back. Assert. I know sometimes the road can be lonely, but it's the only way to live a good life.

This problem arises to people who are just too nice to the world. Don't be. The world is cruel, the world deserves your wrath, not your niceness.

Almost everyone starts the way you have started because that behaviour comes from the innocence of childhood, but sooner or later people realize their mistake and leave this beautiful but painful way of life, and they assert themselves and become a normal healthy person.

Edited September 26, 2019 by Ibn Sina

[Commodent]

2 hours ago, Leeeon said:

Anyway, i suggest that you first get in touch with what your values are and the things that are authentic to you.

I was just about to say this.

@Javfly33 I suffered with the things you mentioned for a LONG time, and what worked for me was figuring out what things were important to ME. Because if the only thing that is important to you is to be accepted by other people, well then ... yeah. It's really a maturation process. Spend more time in solitude (no input from other minds). Reflect on YOUR values.

I can recommend "The Tao of Fully Feeling" by Pete Walker. It changed my life, and I mean that in the most literal sense. It's my self-love bible.

[JustThinkingAloud]

What kind of person’s judgment do you go by? It’s good to keep it real and check how other people see us but you need to have a look at yourself through different people’s eyes including yours. I usually look at what I would think of someone else if they did what I do, also what a nice person would think about what I do, what a mean person would think about what I do, what a person that I respect would think about what I do etc. This way you get a number of perspectives and learn what aligns with your personality the most. I wouldn’t rely on one person’s judgment even if it’s just an imaginary person in your head.

[Surfingthewave]

@Javfly33 What to you, is anxiety? What does it feel like in your body, what does it sound like? When we study it and break it down anxiety is just a combinations of sensations. Let the thoughts go, forget others and follow your path.  

[Nahm]

@Javfly33

Take just a minute, right now, and write down what you want, and tape it to the wall. 

Start talking about what you want, and doing things you enjoy. Do things for yourself that you like, that feel good to you. Doing things that feel better to you, causes you to feel better. Recognize, acknowledge, know that better feeling. Your perspective will begin to change, and you’ll want things that you aren’t aware of yet. Write em down. Tape em to the wall. You’ll notice interests which you aren’t aware of yet, check them out. Keep in mind, you’ll be feeling better for having done things that you like, and your perspective will naturally be better. 

You’ll notice thoughts arise about what you want, and thoughts arise about it’s absence. Choose the thoughts about what you want. You are getting more of whichever end of that duality you’re thinking about. What you want arises from within you. It also arises in the physical sense, from within you. If you ‘get stuck’ with choosing a better thought, just choose a little bit better feeling thought that is true for you. As you do more of what you enjoy, and choose better thoughts, you’ll continue feeling better, and your perspective will really open up. You’ll be wanting things you had no idea you’d want, and you’ll feel better than you ever have. Fun, and exciting. 

People, things, opportunities, will come about in accordance with what you want. Continue choosing thoughts about what you want when these present themselves. They are what you asked for, nothing more, nothing less. They will come in ordinary everyday appearances. 

Sensation is guidance. Listen to it. If it doesn’t feel good, go back to choosing thoughts about what you want. You’ll easily learn not to be stubborn, because you’ll be loving how you’re feeling when you listen and align with sensations, and choosing thoughts about what you want. It is literally the good feeling you are aligning with. This good feeling lifts you up to perspectives you’ve not yet seen. I’m sorry to be the one who is breaking this to you, but, that’s what you’ll need to do. Stuff you like, that feels good to you. (Sorry)

What you want is going to come from what already is, so loosen up, relax, be flexible with things. Choose the thoughts about what you want, over thoughts about what already is, about what anybody else thinks. What is, is old news. What other people think, is what other people think. The Source of you already knows everything you’ve ever wanted in your entire life, and is always giving it to you. Same for them. Now that you’ve dialed up the emotional scale, you’ll start receiving it. You won’t be ‘getting in the way’. You’ll feel good, and you’ll allow it to come however it is, appreciating that it is coming, and feeling great, and appreciating this is the case for everyone else too. 

You’ll learn to ‘zoom in & zoom out’. If you get off track, if things seem intense, think more general and simple; puppies, blue skies, humor, the universe is loving me, anything will do which gets you feeling better, reconnected. Take a minute to notice, each day, your paper on the wall. Remember the bigger picture you are wanting. Allow the feeling good of knowing it is coming, recognize feeling good actually equals feeling good, and feeling good naturally brings things you want and elevates your perspective, which leads to discovering more that you want.

At this point, you’re pretty dialed into some feelings that feel flat out exhilarating, unstoppable really, invincible. You’ll be used to connecting more often and more deeply with these great sensations, listening intently to the guidance with more sensitivity, appreciation, and gratitude for how great life feels. (Sorry again about that).  

You’re thinking about what you want, doing things you like, taking care of yourself, noticing some intriguing coincidences and profound opportunities coming around. This is what you want, coming to you, and you’re feeling so good, so deserving and worthy, so accepting, that you are willing to receive it. Which is great, because Source has been wanting you to have it. 

It becomes really clear that these sensations are your connection to Source, to The Universe, to Everything. And everything you want, comes from everything that already is. Like magic. As if it was made for this, as if you were designed for this experiencing. As if all the wants themselves came from everything that is already,  the very same everything which everything you want is coming from. You will be astonished. Agape. You will be so mesmerized by Source’s love and generosity, and ease of alignment at this point, that you will tell others about this, and they will say you’re nuts, and that they would have to know details, and that there must be more to it.

There isn’t though. There’s just choosing a better thought. 

You can do this, and you can only do this, now. In this present. 

https://www.amazon.com/Six-Pillars-Self-Esteem-Definitive-Leading/dp/0553374397

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MuZIsQDO58

https://www.amazon.com/Ask-Given-Learning-Manifest-Desires/dp/1401904599

 

 

Awareness of Thoughts Meditation

By learning to watch your thoughts come and go during this practice, you can gain deeper insight into thinking altogether (such as its transience) and into specific relationships among your thoughts and your emotions, sensations, and desires. This practice can also help you take your thoughts less personally, and not automatically believe them.  Additionally, this meditation can offer insight into any habitual patterns of thinking and related reactions.  

Observe your thoughts as they arise and pass away.  

·       By “thoughts,” we mean self-talk and other verbal content, as well as images, memories, fantasies, and plans. Just thoughts may appear in awareness, or thoughts plus sensations, emotions, or desires. 

·       Sit or lie down on your back in a comfortable position.

·       Become aware of the sensations of breathing.

·       After a few minutes of following your breath, shift your attention to the various thoughts that are arising, persisting, and then passing away in your mind. 

·       Try to observe your thoughts instead of getting involved with their content or resisting them. 

·       Notice the content of your thoughts, any emotions accompanying them, and the strength or pull of the thought.

·       Try to get curious about your thoughts.  Investigate whether you think in mainly images or words, whether your thoughts are in color or black and white, and how your thoughts feel in your body.

·       See if you notice any gaps or pauses between thoughts.

·       Every time you become aware that you are lost in the content of your thoughts, simply note this and return to observing your thoughts and emotions. 

·       Remember that one of the brain’s major purposes is to think, and there is nothing wrong with thinking.  You are simply practicing not automatically believing and grasping on to your thoughts.  

·       When you are ready, return your attention to your breath for a few minutes and slowly open your eyes.  

Optional:

·       There are various metaphors and images you can use to help observe your thoughts.  These include:

o   Imagining you are as vast and open as the sky, and thoughts are simply clouds, birds, or planes passing through the open space.  

o   Imagining you are sitting on the side of a river watching your thoughts float by like leaves or ripples in the stream.  

o   Imagine your thoughts are like cars, buses, or trains passing by.  Every time you realize you are thinking, you can “get off the bus/train” and return to observing.

Awareness of thoughts and emotions is one of the areas of focus developed when cultivating mindfulness.  In Buddhism, mindfulness is one of the seven factors of enlightenment and the seventh instruction in the Noble Eightfold Path.  

The Seven Factors of Enlightenment: https://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/piyadassi/wheel001.html

The Four Noble Truths:https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Noble_Truths

The Noble Eightfold Path: https://tricycle.org/magazine/noble-eightfold-path/

 

CAUTIONS:

Please be gentle with yourself if you notice that you are constantly caught up in your thoughts instead of observing them.  This is both common and normal.  When you realize that you are thinking, gently and compassionately return to observing your thoughts.  

If the content of your thoughts is too disturbing or distressing, gently shift your attention to your breathing, sounds, or discontinue the practice. 

·       Remember that you are not trying to stop thoughts or only allow certain ones to arise.  Try to treat all thoughts equally and let them pass away without engaging in their content. 

·       This practice can initially be more challenging than other meditations.  As you are learning, practice this meditation for only a few minutes at a time if that is easier. 

·       It can be helpful to treat thoughts the same way that you treat sounds or body sensations, and view them as impersonal events that arise and pass away.  

·       Some people like to assign numbers or nicknames to reoccurring thoughts in order to reduce their pull and effect.

 

 

Breathe Awareness Meditation

Stress is an extremely unhealthy condition. It causes the body to release the chemical cortisol, which has been shown to reduce brain and organ function, among many other dangerous effects. Modern society inadvertently encourages a state of almost continuous stress in people. This is a meditation that encourages physical and mental relaxation, which can greatly reduce the effects of stress on the body and mind. 

Sit still and pay close attention to your breathing process.

Take a reposed, seated posture. Your back should be straight and your body as relaxed as possible.

Close your eyes, and bring your attention to your breathing process. Simply notice you are breathing. Do not attempt to change your breath in any way. Breath simply and normally. 

Try to notice both the in breath and the out breath; the inhale and the exhale. "Notice" means to actually feel the breathing in your body with your body. It is not necessary to visualize your breathing or to think about it in any way except to notice it with your somatic awareness. 

Each time your attention wanders from the act of breathing, return it to noticing the breath. Do this gently and without judgment. 

Remember to really feel into the act of breathing.

If you want to go more deeply into this, concentrate on each area of breathing in turn. Here is an example sequence:

    1. Notice how the air feels moving through your nostrils on both the in breath and the out breath. 

    2. Notice how the air feels moving through your mouth and throat. You may feel a sort of slightly raspy or ragged          feeling as the air moves through your throat. This is normal and also something to feel into.

    3. Notice how the air feels as it fills and empties your chest cavity. Feel how your rib cage rises slowly with each in breath, and gently deflates with each out breath.

    4. Notice how your back expands and contracts with each breath. Actually feel it shifting and changing as you breath. 

    5. Notice how the belly expands outward with each in breath and pulls inward with each in breath. Allow your attention to fully enter the body sensation of the belly moving with each breath.

    6. Now allow your attention to cover your entire body at once as you breath in and out. Closely notice all the sensations of the body as it breathes. 

Repeat this sequence over and over, giving each step your full attention as you do it. 
Suggested time is at least 10 minutes. Thirty minutes is better, if you are capable of it. 

If you find yourself distracted by a lot of mental chatter, you can use verbal labeling as an aid to concentration. For example, on the in breath, mentally say to yourself, "Breathing in." On the out breath, say, "Breathing out." Another possibility is to mentally count each breath.