Bennn's Journal

[Bennn]

Behold Motherfuckers,

When I've been at my best, my very, very best, I have kept a journal in some capacity. So here it is. I'm going to be myself here. I'm going to let loose. I'm going to be raw.

I broke up with a girl that I'll probably always love in pursuit of a family roughly a year ago, changed my home about 10 months ago, and hurt my back about a week ago. All of that culminates into this motherfucking moment (and any moment to be fair).... this journal.

I'll try to be as honest as possible without ruminating. This break up was crushing. I DON'T KNOW if I made the "right" decision. And I have to be ok with that. I have to accept that what happens is the closest thing that the universe has to what is "meant to be." I still wake up at night feeling crushed. 

I do not want to fuck around and pitter patter. I want clear goals. So here they are:

1.) I want a legacy that exists outside of my momentary existence. I want to share my life with a girl (or girls, I'm not opposed to having multiple partners, though my family would freak.) I have a beautiful loving woman (women) to eventually raise a large (at least 4 children) family with.

I have always gone about getting a quality girlfriend the same way. Go out - meet girls - give them/me the opportunity to see if we have chemistry - and pick my favorite by falling for one." 

2.) I want a sustainable, sexy body that is healthy. I workout wisely, and eat healthy - so as to keep use of my body but also have indicators of health and am just maintaining the sexy physic that I have (I want a six pack, I want to keep my large arms and chest, strong-ass lower back so that I do not have to be in this position again.)

3.) I'm calm and centered. I don't struggle for answers, I calmly wait for them. I meditate every day.

4.) I manage my clients in a kind, honest, organized way. I keep a planner, to do list, and calendar for things that I need to do.

5.) I want to experience this dimension. I want to travel! I have saved up a lot of money (to me anyway)! It's time to go out and experience this world!

[Bennn]

So...looking at these goals, I can accomplish a lot of them simultaneously and they all feed into each other, which is a really good thing.. For instance,  I can find (an) awesome partner(s) while traveling. Having a sexy body and good money from managing clients is fuel for that. And being calm and centered allows me to enjoy it more.

For next week, the most important thing that I can do is talk to 5 girls a day. I want to put myself out there. I've had all sorts of incredible experiences before with women, and I should have them again while I'm single - until I find someone(s) that I want to start a family with. So - next week - this is what I'll be doing.

[Bennn]

 

Found this from earlier - I saved it before and I figure I'll post it.

 

 

 

Not sure where my boat is steering towards. I got out of an extremely deep and meaningful relationship in pursuit of a family about a year ago. The closest thing that I have to meaning is to survive and reproduce. I was going to follow this and either have a massive family or be a sperm donor. My last girlfriend already had kids and, no matter what, I always had a resentment that another man’s kids where in her/our life. They were older and close to leaving the nest – but it was difficult.

In order to make things work with her I looked into being a sperm donor. I wanted to potentially have SOME sort of relationship with the children. Christmases without a family of my own later in life would not be easy.

 

Most people open to this are lesbian couples who do are not going through a doctor. Eventually I found that the laws around this made things super complicated. Essentially I could possibly be sued for child support if the donation was not done through a clinic and virtually no one who is open to having the biological father be known in some capacity is open to this. I make what is (to me) a lot of money and I was afraid (still am).

 

It’s a year later. I do not have any children and I broke up with the girl who meant so much to me. I have zero idea what I’m doing. On top of that, I just hurt my back, so I cannot workout like I usually do to have that feeling of “progressing.”

 

I know very little of why I should even have a purpose. Despite this I know:

 

1.)     I should not do drugs or drink alcohol. I have an addictive personality and regardless of what I want my purpose to be, this will hinder it (unless my purpose is independent of my own self destruction.)

2.)    I want to have a legacy that outlasts my material body. For some reason or another – children have been the focal point for this.

3.)    I broke up with a girl that I love very much and have a deep fear that I cannot function (sexually, romantically, spiritually) with others.

 

Ultimately, I know that I had to have the break up. I was so resentful to the Universe (and her, if I’m being honest) for giving her children from another man. And following that her ex-husband had another child, and her son had a child. Something that he probably didn’t think twice about was the meaning of my entire life. It really filled me with discontent.

 

So now what do I do? I literally listened for 20 minutes in silence. The closest thing I could get to an answer was “stay/be in the sunlight.” I think I was just cold and that was my subconscious.

 

But I know there’s something here. I have the opportunity to work with the difficulties in life that I’m facing right now and to overcome them. I’m grateful for the opportunity but I have no idea where to go next. I’m making good money, attempting to get in great shape (though this back injury sucks) attending my AA meetings and trying to help others – but somehow I just have this lacking. I miss being in a loving relationship – and I do not see a way to have children as of now that I am fully comfortable with.