Where do I go from here?

[Bennn]

Not sure where my life has been headed toward. I got out of an extremely deep and meaningful relationship in pursuit of a family about a year ago. The closest thing that I have to an objective purpose for the last 3-4 years has been to survive and reproduce. I was (probably still am) going to follow this and either have a massive family or be a sperm donor. My last girlfriend already had kids and, no matter what, I always had a resentment that another man’s kids where in her/our life. They were older and close to leaving the nest – but it was difficult. The chemistry we had was unreal. She would do anything for me, and I love(d) her.

In order to make things work with her I looked into being a sperm donor, but here was a lot of legal stuff and I was unsure. I wanted to potentially have SOME sort of relationship with some of the children. Christmases without a family of my own later in life would not be easy.

 

Most people open to this are lesbian couples who do are not going through a doctor. Eventually I found that the laws around this made things super complicated. Essentially I could possibly be sued for child support if the donation was not done through a clinic and virtually no one who is open to having the biological father be known in some capacity is open to this. I make what is (to me) a lot of money and I was afraid (still am).

 

It’s a year later. I do not have any children and I broke up with the girl who meant so much to me. I have zero idea what I’m doing. On top of that, I just hurt my back, so I cannot workout like I usually do to have that feeling of “progressing.” I suppose that's why I'm taking the time to join this forum and putting my perspective inward.

 

I know very little of why I should even have a purpose. Despite this I know:

 

1.)     I should not do drugs or drink alcohol. I have an addictive personality and regardless of what I want my purpose to be, this will hinder it (unless my purpose is independent of my own self destruction.)

2.)    I want to have a legacy that outlasts my material body. For some reason or another – children have been the focal point for this.

3.)    I broke up with a girl that I love very much and have a deep (and maybe realistic) fear that I cannot function (sexually, romantically, spiritually) with others.

 

Ultimately, I know that I had to have the break up. I was so resentful to the Universe for giving her children from another man. If I'm honest I probably resented her for this too, though it's not as though she had children 19 years before meeting me with ill intent. Following our relationship her ex-husband had another child, and her son had a child. Something that they probably didn’t think twice about was the meaning of my entire life. It really filled me with discontent.

 

So now what do I do? I literally listened to nothingness this morning and sat for 20 minutes in silence. The closest thing I could get to an answer was “stay/be in the sunlight.” I think I was just cold and that was my subconscious.

 

But I know there’s something here. I have the opportunity to work with the difficulties in life that I’m facing right now and to overcome them. I’m grateful for the opportunity but I have no idea where to go next. I’m making good money, attempting to get in great shape (though this back injury sucks) attending my AA meetings and trying to help others – but somehow I just have this lacking. I miss being in a loving relationship – and I do not see a way to have children as of now that I am fully comfortable with.