Im becoming "awakened" , and i want this psychosomatic pain gone at any cost!

[pfletcha]

      I wont bog any of yall down with too many details of how much more "outside the ego" i am lately: lets just say that the spiritual aspect of the lsd trip stuck this time, and I now feel capable of utilizing my brain properly, including much more energy, more clear headed , and able to organize my thoughts in a VERY timely manner . This means i am willing to put in the time and effort it takes to try a variety of approaches in tackling this incredibly peristent problem once and for all.

      Ever since high school when i used to abuse the shit out of my adderall script and play piano/computer games for 12+ hours a day when i wasnt in school, i developed quite suddenly this pain in my hand and forearms that feels like the very surface layer is being "pulled" in a way that just...hurts.. hard to explain. 5 or 6 years later i developed a similar extremely distressing "tightness" in the middle of my "low" lower back area, near where the uh 2nd chakra is supposed to be (doctors labeled it nonbacterial prostatitis). Then a couple years after that when i was 21 i started getting classic symptoms of tmj. Now heres a small list of additional strangeitudes that i pray will resonate with somebody on this forum .(as if this werent already odd enough!)

1. The pain in all three of these spots comes and goes, sometimes completely at random, but other times for reasons i can trace pretty easily, such as stress and attempting to sit at a computer again for a stretch.

2. This "triangle" of pain is almost always evenly distributed i.e. if my arm hurts really bad the other spots will be fine, and if two spots are lit up at once, it will only be about half as bad

3. I love drugs of all sorts , and ive been cycling through bouts of addiction most of my life. Whenever im on a "run" , where downers such as alcohol and heroin are in the mix, this pain without exception lies almost entirely dormant. Even during intervals in the day where im not high and/or in withdrawal!

4. The importance of the psychological component cannot be stressed enough. Lately i havent even been able to follow along with piano sheet music without my hand flaring up the moment i begin to imagine im playing the notes!

Please , all you holistic minded thinkers out there. Give me all that you've got. I need this buried. Ive been bad about starting a lengthy thread in the past and not following up on the advice , but this time i mean business

[Zigzag Idiot]

Welcome @pfletcha I'm seeing an overworked and exhausted sympathetic side of the nervous system that comes into balance and healing with your new trajectory. Letting go,,,, parasympathetic side becomes more utilized through deep breathing, practices and letting go.

Being spontaneous instead of reactive goes the way. Nonviolence and Trust.??‍♂️

[pfletcha]

@Zigzag IdiotYes, ive been noticing since starting yoga, just how restrictive my breathing has always been (cant get much more than 3 or 4 seconds on the outbreath). I assume youve encountered this problem in some way in the past. What are your favorite techniques for expanding lung capacity? Also what is your reasoning for how being more spontaneous can help?

Edited September 24, 2019 by pfletcha

[Zigzag Idiot]

@pfletcha

in addition to periodic hard physical labor.  In the summertime, the wonderful therapy of an afternoon swim in frigid mountain streams. Taking long submerges underneath the surface to exercise lung capacity. 

The cold water also gives the body a beneficial shock. ?

[Zigzag Idiot]

14 minutes ago, pfletcha said:

Also what is your reasoning for how being more spontaneous can help?

Spontaneity comes from Being.

Reactivty is when we are puppets with the ego holding the strings. ?

[Nahm]

@pfletcha What happened in your life, prior to beginning the aderol, drugs, etc? I believe there are some general beliefs on the nature of reality & living, which you haven’t discovered yet because they’re been so intimate, for so long, maybe your entire life. That denotes a perspective / beliefs about yourself - and you are resent for all experience, and so is the beliefs about yourself. Cut to the root. 

[pfletcha]

4 hours ago, Nahm said:

@pfletcha What happened in your life, prior to beginning the aderol, drugs, etc? I believe there are some general beliefs on the nature of reality & living, which you haven’t discovered yet because they’re been so intimate, for so long, maybe your entire life. That denotes a perspective / beliefs about yourself - and you are resent for all experience, and so is the beliefs about yourself. Cut to the root. 

         So I did some "intuitive" thinking earlier in response to this, and something struck me first about the root of the incidents themselves. Each one is rooted in a different version of impotence. With the original incident with the hands, I had already been pounding away at both piano and actual keyboard for close to two years on adderall without any problems.    

         Some context: I didn't have many friends at this Christian high school I went to. I had grown to resent people and authority (and christians) , completely isolating myself... but in the realm of piano I was GOD to my teachers and classmates , and for good reason (not trying to brag :P). Due to my inflated teenaged ego and limited Southern upbringing, I had held myself to a ridiculous standard, like I was the best in the country or something...this changed when I started talking to this asian kid on a piano forum who was both younger AND was playing the most ridiculous piano repertoire that exists, with relative ease. This deep down enraged me so much that I set out to learn an even more challenging piano etude that I was CLEARLY not ready for, but obsessively pounded away at regardless. It's not like I was really straining my muscles that much more than I already was, (which was a fucking lot), but there was now this anger and unhealthy energy eating away at me. And that is exactly when the pain started.

         Then I did some thinking about the prostate pain...this was in college when I was 21 years old and still a virgin...well I FINALLY got with a chick, and as soon as we tried to fuck, I completely dissociated due to the stress, and its like I completely forgot what a sexual impulse was supposed to feel like...Very shortly thereafter, I developed the 2nd pressure/pain point. 

         The jaw pain was the trickiest to figure out, so heres my best guess. This one started when I was at this drug rehab-esque house for men, where I routinely was made fun of for being a virgin and just easy to tick off in general...to build up my self esteem, I started working out with a couple of the guys at this gym we had out in the garage . While my determination was great at first, it soon waned off and I never gave working out the proper chance it deserved , I guess. Shortly after (or maybe right at the end?)  the TMJ shit started.

         My emotional pain/impotence started in middle school. I was always kind of spacy/in my head a lot, never had a lot of common sense, and I cried really easily. So I made up for it by forcefully flatlining my emotions whenever someone made fun of me. And when trying to talk to my peers and make friends, I would go out of my way to obsessively chronicle every detail of whatever I was talking about. Instead of just speaking in a more down to earth manner. I'm sure a lot of people have had a similar struggle and turned out relatively OK, but my theory is that there's something about how much more sensitive I am than most, and how much stronger my brain processes information, that has forced me to repress a ton of shit inside, just to be safe. 

        So I think I've got the root solved , but now what? My point is that I'm starting to come out of this dissociative state and have a lasting spiritual state of consciousness throughout the day. I mean it really has been miraculously lately, it's like I see through the eyes of a child again. However my derealization/dissociation/anxiety/pain still persists; theres at least two or three times a day where I have to live out my old self again, more or less. I'm definitely getting more confident that things will continue to get better, but my question is what to do now with this self knowledge? Meditation and yoga, obviously, but do you think a massive dose of shrooms or 5-meo-dmt would be in order ? would that possibly solve it sooner? Your thoughts, and thank you for taking the time to read this .

Edited September 24, 2019 by pfletcha

[Nahm]

@pfletcha

Here’s my two cents...it sounds like you grew up with more focus on how you are seen, than your own experience. It seems you thrived on impressing and being perceived as the best, rather than feeling your best, or perhaps equated them, at your eventual expense.

Impotence is possibly indicative of the chronic & cumulative pressure you innocently put on yourself - and were / are so used to, you don’t realize you are. What seems like a 4 in pressure to you, might be an 11 for a lot of people.  I am thinking what makes it so hard to see, is that you might not know reality without it. Pressure is of our own creation, our own perspective. Maybe someone in your household had a ‘nothing you do is ever good enough’ issue? 

“Anger & unhealthy energy eating away at me”. That kind of denotes you, in some ways, see these as if they were something separate form you, almost a given ‘of the world’, rather than your chosen (probably unbeknownst to you) perspectives. I’m using “chosen” pretty flexibly there. A kid growing up in a certain environment likely would not have a frame of reference of other perspectives from which to choose. But, in terms of going forward, imo it is paramount to begin to understand that you created the experiences, and as such, you can create experiences rooted in joy and enjoyment. 

This is further noted in “forgot what a sexual impulse is supposed to feel like”. There’s a filter at play. There seems to be what is experienced, as in ‘the outside world’, then a filter of how it is supposed to be, and then your indirect experience of it. Things are supposed to be the way you naturally feel they are, because there is no authority, at the end of the day, on how anything is ‘supposed to be’ - except of course - you. You are the decider, the preferrer, the creator, the chooser - of how things are supposed to be - for you. 

Unfortunately, of course  “flatlining my emotions whenever someone made fun of me” didn’t help, but was of the same innocent trajectory you were on, in having more concern for what others think of you, than attention on what you want, and feel, for yourself. That might amount to suppressed sensation, as you eluded to. 

You mentioned the phrase “emotional pain/impotence”. This might point to a long held association between emotions, pain, and impotence. Which I believe for most people, are not experienced so intertwined. Reading about each of the three would create some clarity, and space around each. Writing a bit about the differences might be insightful. 

I think the “TMJ shit” is the almost inevitable outcome of chronic tension. It’s going to ‘go somewhere’ in the body. When such a tension is present, even during sleep, there is a long term history. 

I would really really be open to the possibility that you actually are a highly sensitive person, and there is a fair amount of misunderstanding about your world and yourself, do to a root assumption that you should be like those around you. I believe you are aware that you are not like most people in these ways, but not yet aware of the ‘inner wiring’ if you will, that resulted. This can be changed. There is relief from all of this. 

 

Then the doozy - and if I’m on my game here - this isn’t likely going to be something that lands right away, but maybe after a few days. 

“was always kind of spacy/in my head a lot, never had a lot of common sense, and I cried really easily.”

This would be the ‘million dollar issue’ the fulcrum, the difference maker. A complete paradigm shift, of the conceptual, emotional, and sensational nature. You may have associated crying - with negative feeling. By crying, to me, that also entails, emotional healing, release, relief, general letting go, and the ending of overthinking, anxiety, and bouts of anger and or depression. I wonder if in your perspective, you see / believe people feel worse when they cry - not better. Let me know if this is the case for you, and we can drill deeper, and focus on going forward. It’s completely “fixable” but would have important nuances to cover. 

More of where I’m coming from with this observation...

“In my head a lot”  

Overthinking is fueled by limited sensation. Sensation + thought = emotion. We create emotion “right under our noses”. Limited sensation is an entirely innocent protective means, which makes for overthinking, as a ‘search to resolve thought with more thought’. But what lies in sensation and emotion, can not be resolved with thought, but rather, with release, healing, general purification. Then, thinking naturally becomes less severe, less hurried, more enjoyable, and more oriented to creativity & solutions. 

“never had a lot of common sense”  

Common sense seems Like a matter of logic and commonality generally speaking, but to me it eludes to thinking, which is disconnected, or, in discord, with sensations. When voluntary thinking is surrendered, properly put at peace, sensation fills one up, and a new “common sense” begins to be known, often referred to as wisdom, or simple truth. So, in my estimate, you have nothing to lose per se, and everything to look forward to. Also, in my estimate, though it may not seem like it right now - the majority of this process was done when you addressed it, when you decided you are worth the work, that there is more to life than this. The benefits of choosing that, will unfold for a good long time. 

In any case, imo, the way forward for you is pretty unique. It would not be from any forcing, or efforts, or pressure, or meeting any benchmarks of any kind. But rather, what might be very counter intuitive, and counter logical for you. I foresee a shift in being in terms of releasing, letting go, and healing. And then again, and again, and again. There is a tremendous amount of joy and love within you, that is always purifying, always in a state of clearing and cleaning out the troubles. There might be a few waterfalls when this dam is opened. The key is to allow the release, and not to go into thinking. The understanding arises after the release. That is deeply counter intuitive for most people, and imo, a much needed prescription of healing for you. I’m happy to help in any way I can, and I am excited for what’s to come for you. ??