Why the « Letting Go » Technique Isn’t Working For You

[koko]

As I have been applying the letting go technique, I’ve encountered the following problem : I would frequently misuse it as a way to repress whatever negative emotion that may arise.

Instead of actually feeling the emotion as it comes up in my awareness, I would make the mistake of trying to « let it go » as a way to make the emotion disappear. And so, I would be in this mindset of trying to control my emotions.

 

So to counteract my tendency of using the technique to repress and control my emotions, I’ve found a new wording : whatever arises, I let it be.

 

When applying this, what I’ve noticed is that it trains me to accept the entirety of the present moment as it is, and prevents me from controlling anything. If anxiety comes up, I just let it be : I don’t try to react to it, I don’t try to control it in any way, or try to make it disappear. I just relax and let it be as it is, and I’m allowed to feel that anxiety as it is ; I don’t have to change it in any way. Actually, it’s all ok, it’s all good.

 

One thing that I’ve noticed also is that things around me start to become less and less of a problem. Precisely because I would just let everything be, they would all gradually cease being a problem by definition.

For example, if stress arises, it wouldn’t be a problem at all because I would just let it be and accept it. I would just go out and do whatever activity I need to do, while feeling that stress in my body ; I wouldn’t be as affected by it precisely because I have stopped seeing it as a problem in the first place through letting it be as it is. In other words, I would let it be part of the present moment, and so I wouldn’t be affected as much.

I would reach deeper and deeper levels of acceptance : if I am in an uncomfortable situation, I would accept the situation as it is ; if somehow I can’t accept it, I would just accept all my resistance to that situation. Again, whatever arises, I let it be.

 

Since I’m becoming more open to feeling everything, I’m having a deeper connection to all my emotions. There is less resistance to feeling more and more of my deeper emotions. It actually can become quite enjoyable at times, to be connected to yourself and to be experiencing all these cathartic moments.

 

I can start to see how « Whatever arises, I let it be » eventually leads to radical acceptance and absolute freedom, which are quite terrifying. It leads you to accepting thoughts, choices, situations and experiences that are horrifying for you. It’s all inspiring when it’s about learning how to accept failure for example ; but it becomes totally unacceptable and almost criminal when it comes to accepting the murder of a loved one. 

But then, if you truly want total emotional mastery, this is where it’s leading you towards ; you’ll have to let go of your dualities and categories of what’s ok and what’s not ok.

 

Other variations :

• Whatever arises, it’s ok.
• Whatever arises, it’s fine.
• Whatever arises, let it be part of the present moment.
• Whatever emotion arises, let it express itself.

Basically, you can get creative and come up with other ones. Keep what works and resonates with you, and ditch whatever doesn’t.

 

Potential traps (no concept or technique is completely foolproof) :

• Using this technique to ignore your emotions, to avoid dealing with them, and to push them aside. You’re actually supposed to feel them.
• Holding onto certain emotions ; that would still be you trying to control your emotions. You’re supposed to let them be : so, if they come to pass, then you let them subside.

 

Disclaimer : This is not to say that the letting go technique doesn’t work. This post is useful for people who, like me, has this weird tendency of misusing the technique to repress instead of feeling. Again, always do whatever works for you ; get creative when needed.

 

Hopefully this helps for you, as it has done for me.

 

And finally, one song to tie it all together :

https://youtu.be/QDYfEBY9NM4

Edited September 23, 2019 by koko
Video doesn't show up

[Tistepiste]

Thank you so much for this great and wonderful post! I should print it out and hang it in my room to remind myself.

Gave me answers to some questions that I've had but never fully got them answered as clearly as you did just now.

PS: it's funny but letting to technique doesn't work for me at all. Everything I am supposedly repressing, comes to haunt me in my mind.

It's good in a way because I know exactly what situation or what things are making me feel bad. But, on the other hand, this can haunt me for days, weeks, months and I'd have no way of knowing on how to let these thoughts and consequently feelings subside. It's like I wish I could forget it or suppress it even. 

That's why I'm always trying, with all my power, to accept everything as it is, but then I realize I didn't really accept it deeply enough because it still comes up?

So, for me, it is more the matter of how to REALLY accept everything as is, so that I am not haunted by some situation for weeks on end where I am unable to understand/grasp and therefore accept.

I'll try this out

A lot of love

Edited September 23, 2019 by Tistepiste

[allislove]

Wonderful post.

 

Thank you for sharing: "Whatever arises, I let it be", such a powerful words. 

Yeah, in order to let an emotion pass you first need to notice it, be aware of it, in other words let it be. So, you let it be until it dissolves, until you let go of it, you don't feel it anymore in any way. 

 

Something similar I find with Vipassana meditation applied to sensations. You put your awareness on some part of the body until you can do "free flow" through it. The essence of these techniques: feel it until it dissolves. 

 

This is the universal law, I guess. If you want something to pass you need to go deeply through it. The mistake would be to fight with it trying to repress it. I think, that's the law because everything is God. If you're trying to repress something it means you are not Okay with what You (as a God) created. 

 

"Let it go bro"

[Commodent]

2 hours ago, dimitri said:

you let it be until it dissolves

IMO this focus on dissolution can also be quite problematic. If you let go very deeply it doesn't really matter whether it goes away or not.

[allislove]

7 minutes ago, Commodent said:

IMO this focus on dissolution can also be quite problematic. If you let go very deeply it doesn't really matter whether it goes away or not.

I can see how it may work, thanks for sharing. ?

[Commodent]

@dimitri  No problem. I'd also like to add that letting go is more about cutting attachments with whatever you're trying to let go of, rather than actually getting rid of it. Feeling anger? Cut your attachment to it. It is neither good nor bad. Notice it very clearly, maybe even listen to what it's trying to tell you. That will allow you to make a conscious choice, instead of being blindly ruled by your emotions.

Enlightenment is not a process that leaves you feeling caged in by what you're "allowed" to experience. It's the exact opposite. It's a liberating process. So follow that sense of liberation.

[koko]

@dimitri @Tistepiste I'm glad this post is helping you out !

But I'm gonna reiterate this point : you have to let go of letting go, of wanting all those things to disappear and dissolve. This is precisely what was fucking me up. I was so obsessed on letting all these negative emotions go, that it would just backfire ; the whole process of trying, and wanting them to disappear has this strange-loop effect.

In my original post, what I was trying to convey is that the whole trick is quite painful and counterintuitive : you have to come to a point where you stop seeing all these emotions as problematic, as things" to let go of". You need to reach such a deep level of acceptance where it's completely ok if these emotions don't go away and stay with you forever and ever. Hence, "whatever arises, let it be".

And it's only once you reach that level of deep acceptance - where you don't care anymore if these emotions stay or come to pass, that counterintuitively they end up dissolving eventually.

So, to be more concrete, if you still see all these negative emotions as "haunting", or as "things to let go of", or as "problematic", or as "things to be dissolved", or as "bad" ; then by definition, you haven't truly accepted them. 

Yep, I know, it's quite counterintuitive and weird, because it obliges you to accept the very thing you're trying to solve lol.

Notice that it's only when you truly accept it, and only when you stop trying to solve it or make it disappear in any way, and only when you stop looking at it as "a problem" or as something "bad", that you really feel it as it is !

Imagine trying to accept someone as he/she is, and yet in the back of your mind, you're still thinking about fixing that person in some way, you're still looking at this person as "a problem" ; if that person notices that you're still thinking about fixing him/her, he/she won't feel very "accepted" by you - it would actually feel repulsive.

 

Moreover, this whole thing doesn't work very effectively if you just focus on the emotion alone. You also need to focus on all the thoughts that arise in your mind, and all the future scenarios that your mind is projecting, and the whole causal chain of consequences. This whole thing only becomes super powerful when you go DEEP, instead of staying on the surface with only that one emotion.

So for example, this morning I was in a bad rut. So at first, I just accepted this emotional state. But then, I would also notice all my thoughts : "fuck, I have all this shit to do today and for the week", "dammit, I don't think I'll be able to do it", "shit, I'm so lazy and worthless", "man, I'm just gonna lay in bed, but then, I'll feel very guilty about it", etc. All these thoughts, I would also accept. But then, that's not the only thing that happens in my mind. I would also notice that my mind would concoct different projections of the future that I'm afraid about : for example, what would happen if I don't do all the stuff I'm supposed to do. And from there, I would also notice how I would feel if these negative scenarios would happen : what I would tell myself, how I would feel about myself. And even further, I can focus on all the different consequences of these negative scenarios, and how they too would make me feel and think about myself.

And so, as I go deeper and deeper, on all these future projections, feelings and thoughts, I would continuously accept all of them. I would get to a point where I would be ok if any of my thoughts turn out to be true, and if any of these scenarios and consequences turn out to happen. If you continue to accept all this stuff that arises as you go deeper, you become more and more free, more and more liberated.

I find this much more powerful, then just focusing on this one emotion. Because truthfully, there is much more going on than just this negative emotion you're feeling : there are all these thoughts and future projections and self-judgments. It becomes very powerful if you can also notice them and be aware of them, and let them be. You can also dig them up by asking questions like : "what am I thinking right now ?", "how would I feel if this happened ?", "what are the other consequences down the causal chain, and how would they make me feel ?",  etc.

If you start looking at them as "problems" or as something "bad", don't try to change that mindset. Just notice it ! Trying to change that mindset would just be falling into the same trap ; you're still making that mindset a "problem" by trying to change it, the cognitive structure is the same. Instead, just notice it and let it be. Even that mindset, in itself, isn't problematic - paradoxically enough lolol.

Eventually, you can get to a point where everything is just ok. You start wondering why you made all these different things a problem.

The path towards emotional mastery is more about developing this radical unconditional acceptance of the whole spectrum of emotions, especially the most negative ones. When you're finally in that deep acceptance, now you're no longer affected by all these emotions/thoughts/scenarios, you're free.

PS: Since we're in social survival too, we have to be nuanced here. If you know that a very strong emotion is about to come up, and you know that you'll probably start to break down, remove yourself from the environment. Don't be like "I don't care, let it be" and start breaking down in public, hahahaha. Isolate yourself ; even go to the bathroom, for all we care. But if somehow you can't, then I guess you have to bottle it up temporarily and deal with it at a later time, as soon as you can.

And also, you can't always go super deep while you go about your day. It depends on the situation you're in, and so many times, you're gonna have to postpone it for later.

 

[Waken]

Nice, thank you. Some days ago I came up with 'I just let it all flow', because I was holding back some emotions, and this statement says that all fears and all can flow through. This is a powerful one too. Again thank you for your post, gave me a new small little insight
Much love

[allislove]

I even added it to my signature.  

Also, nice video on this topic: