Childhood Problem

[capriciousduck]

Hi, this is possibly a big post. I will try to put it simply. When I was in 4th grade, a guy who is elder to me showed me some porn and I felt disgusted and frightened and I run back to my home. Even before I tried to completely forget about that incident I discovered that my father has an affair with another woman when I was playing with my dad's phone. I saw nude images of this woman and from that moment I "unconsciously" developed some sort of dislike towards my father. I was like not angry on my father instead I felt sad. I kept on thinking why is he doing this. And questions like "Did someone intentionally put those pictures in my dad's phone?" A lot of other sad things happened like I heard my mother crying in the middle of the night and on one day I heard my mother talking about my father's affair with him. The thing is I did not say this to anyone. Not until my second year of engineering. In my second year of engineering, things went really bad. My behavior became worse. I always misunderstood even my few friends said. It is during this time I had mood swings and friends told me that something is really wrong with me. The worseness didn't end yet. I had committed suicide after my best friend stopped talking to me. Because I felt good in her company. I somewhat felt not good at home because of family issues. All my relation with my friends didn't go well from my second year of undergrad. My parents took me to a Psychiatrist and the doc told that I was suffering with Schizophrenia(no hallucinations) and depressional OCD. And FYI, I also have porn addiction which I developed after a long time after seeing the adult google searches made by my father when I was like in my 9th grade. I also committed suicide three more times due to depression that I was kicked out from my college course and also because my friends stopped talking to me. I only have 7 friends in during my engineering course and I surely know that my best friend thought that because of she I committed suicide. She actually tried to help me when I was having bad symptoms and she also even took me to a doc but I discontinued using the medicines. My best friend knows what happened during my childhood and actually she was the first one who know this. For sure, I know she always tried to help me but I always misunderstood. My behavior is not good at that time. I became picky about the things happening.

She stopped talking to me from the moment she came to know that  I committed suicide the first time(I took 17 sleeping tablets at once)....I am on medication even now and it's been more than a year I was under medication. And besides talking about all this with my doc and using medicines I still have porn addiction. Though I dont watch a porn video for more than 10-15 minutes I randomly go to a time in the video and I start masturbating and I ejaculate and I then close the incognito browser.

First of all, thank you for taking time to read all my text. So I have two questions: how can I cure my addiction? I sometimes feel guilty of watching porn because I felt that I should stop watching because it's not a good thing and also that my friend would feel bad when she knows this. And my second question is after all this...I am feeling that what happened is actually good and I am also having no objection while watching Leo's videos. I am confused whether I am taking this positively or negatively. What are your views on this? 

And once again, THANK YOU VERY MUCH for reading my post.

[LeoIsMe69]

Forgive your mom.

Forgive your dad.

Forgive yourself.

Forgive others.

[Commodent]

@LeoIsMe69  The only problem is th at forcing forgiveness doesn't really work though. Let yourself process your authentic emotions, and forgiveness might arise. Forcing forgiveness is suppression.

@capriciousduck That's terrible. Have you had the opportunity to share your story to a safe, wholehearted person? That will make the shame melt away, and maybe even cure your addiction. Shame and addiction is like the perfect storm, they almost always arise together. If you can't find such a safe person you can become that safe person for yourself. Wherein I think the book "The Tao of Fully Feeling" by Pete Walker + journaling is a good place to get started.

[capriciousduck]

@Commodent Thanks for recommending me a new book! I am currently reading The Four Agreements. As soon as I finish that I'll start reading the book you recommended.

[capriciousduck]

@LeoIsMe69 I already did:) The only problem I have now is the addiction. I can't get rid of it.

[Devi Shanti]

I'm sorry for your story and all the suffering it causes in you. It's ok feeling angry, sad. You are doing well looking for help and trying to find answers to your concerns. Good job!

Keep being honest first with yourself. You don't have to fake anything. What @LeolsMe69 said about forgiving is true, but you have to know it's not easy to forgive. You have a long way to go through until reaching it. But it's a daily work. You have to keep this intention of forgiveness alive inside you everyday, even if you don't feel like it, then you will find your way. Forgiveness heals.

One thing that helps on this process is thinking about your dad's story and what made him behave that way. What kind of emptyness and emotional pain brought him to this? Usually, we are victims of victims, until someone get aware of this vicious cycle and breaking it.

Maybe it also can help knowing the psychological origins of the addiction to pornography (not your exactly, but what psychologists say), and try to probe these mental patterns in you. A good psychologist can help you with it.

Also, do an effort on improving your diet and doing regular exercises. A health body is an important basis for a health mind.

Good luck! You can do it!

[capriciousduck]

@Devi Shanti Thank you. I am trying to cure my addiction. I am doing good for a few days and I'm relapsing again.

[Muhammad]

I think that having a compeling vision and passion, and a sense of understanding of the potential of life and how incredibly beutiful and fulfilling life can get, can help. and i want you to have the recognition that with enough work, what you can achieve in life is so beautiful it's beyond your wildest imagination. Imagine how much motivation you'll have if you think about this stuff, and sit with closed eyes every night before sleep and connect to your vision and soak in motiviation from it. This is necessary, because if your motivation is simply to get well in order to survive and live a normal life, you won't have a real reason to do all the work

Edited September 23, 2019 by Muhammad

[flowboy]

23 hours ago, capriciousduck said:

I had committed suicide after my best friend stopped talking to me.

 

23 hours ago, capriciousduck said:

I also committed suicide three more times

please share with us how to become immortal, I bet more people would be interested.

 

Ontopic: I HIGHLY recommend Primal Therapy for childhood related problems. Puja Lepp has a great 7 day intensive retreat, it worked worders for me.