Porn, NoFap, anxiety, social confidence, and being consciouss about your emotions.

[Javfly33]

I open this thread to tell you about my recent experience about No Fap, because in my case I think it´s more especial than the usual ones and probably some people could benefit of reading this (Parental Advisory: The story has a twist at the end and for some It might hurt your eg

 

NoFap, NoPorn, and improvements in my confidence and less anxiety around people:

So I´ve been on the "no porn" train since more than 2 years ago. I have practised NoFap here and there, but my main and only focus has been abstaining from porn. My reason was mainly because I´ve never had a girlfriend, (I was a virgin, still am) , haven´t had much friends all my life, and the porn content I was using (I´ll abstain from details since this is not a nofap forum), it felt like It was particularly hurting my confidence and for me seemed very mentally unhealthy.

Soon I discovered that abstaining from porn and a little of abstaining from masturbating did a major improvement in being so much calm and confident around people, BUT, it was clear that it wasn´t a magic pill not a long while ago I discovered that while it did improved anxiety and confidence there the root of my anxiety couldn´t be PORN. At least not totally.

Introducing Psychedelics and laser-focused introspection into the recipe:

About 1 month ago, I have started doing very small doses of psychedelics, every 2-3 weeks, with a strong set and setting of introspection. The reason of a small dose it´s simple: I am doing into the experience in the sole intention of discovering/talk about uncomfortable and things I feel shame for, so I know if I do a normal/medium dose the trip might be way to hard for me to digest (i´ve only done two so far but the results have been amazing):  This means that I will dose very very little so I will be totally free of managing what I want to do/have normal conversations/etc but I will have:

1- An ego reduction of my brain activity so I will be less afraid to be talking about "uncomfortable" stuff about myself.

2-  Introspection, classic of psychedelics, in my case I choose LSD.

3- An importance about the things I am talking/thinking/listening during the experience, because it´s going to be things about myself, I will be more focused and care a lot about what I can discover. (I think this got particularly amplified since I dosed the day/ days after having "relapsed" into porn, where I usually start thinking again about what things I am doing wrong and what is not working and also I get particularly emotional (kind of sad, let it be said) This is part of the strong set and setting! )

What I discovered in the last experience about my pornography use and how I understand it now:

So what happened in my last experience. I got the idea of watch some Leo old video´s which are more "ground to earth" . I stumbled upon the video "how to handle your emotions" or something like this.

I follow the visualization/exercise, and when it finished it let me thinking about emotions yeah... So after that I open my porn of choice. I become fully and totally consciouss that my porn use is surrounded by emotions.

 

In the experience of watching the porn on small dose of LSD, I followed Leo´s advice and I became a "super-conductor" of emotions instead of rejecting and defend myself from them.

 

The experience was interesting, it felt like i have been running all of this 2 years from actually facing what I felt when I watched that porn that made me aroused but afterwards made me so shameful.

I didn´t discovered much else, basically that emotions was the key know to discover what the fuck is wrong with me.

So 2 days pass and I have "urges" to watch porn again. After all of this time, if at day 2 urges come up i wouldn´t have any problem whatsover on letting them pass, but something feels wrong in avoiding uncomfortable emotions. I want to go watch porn again and stay mindful again what i am feeling.

I do it, and the porn doesn´t feel like it hurts me anymore. 

This might sound very fucking strange. ¿What the fuck man, porn its supposed to be pleasureable, you say you suffered while watching porn? 

Well, not exactly, it is enjoyable because it is arousing, but after so much time being aware (trying) of what I am seeing, you start to see what you are doing to yourself and trust me, part is arousing part is painful.

But not so much anymore. This time I am just seeing and feeling what is there. Then I masturbate. Then the shame it´s almost not there anymore.

I see that I have been lying myself all my life and have been maintening an identity of confidence that actually didn´t correspond at all with my actions in life.

This type of porn i was taling about, it threatened that identity. It threatened my "I am confident" identity.

That is why it hurt so much. That is why I was avoiding it with so much effort.

Basically, by being minful, porn showed me what I was scared of. Of seeing the part that I dont like about myself and even couldn´t even take a peek never in my life because it hurt to my ego too much. In fact I always considered my self as a guy with "high self-esteem". To that point goes self-delusion to protects one´s identity!!

I started meditation 3 years ago, I have had some self-inquiry moments that felt spiritual, I had had a yoga experience where I lost myself for some minutes, but let me tell you, I haven´t been more scared in my life than ever now.

You know what happens when you spend all of your life maintining and identity that you are confident and amazing, and you are exactly almost the contrary? Then you realize that. In about 2 weeks. This actually really feels like myself is dying.

Now I am really grateful I did spiritual exercises in the past, It feels it´s going to be more easy to let go. I guess my persona is ready to die.

Edited September 22, 2019 by Javfly33

[TalkIsCheap1]

Dude wtf. Just go to a psychologists im serious. If you wanna work with yourself, thats the way. 

[Javfly33]

On 25/9/2019 at 0:33 AM, TalkIsCheap1 said:

Dude wtf. Just go to a psychologists im serious. If you wanna work with yourself, thats the way. 

Yeah, thing is, right now I don´t love/accept myself enough to actually go to a psychologist. So...I have to work a little bit more in order to even begin there.