How To Find Your Authentic-self

[Guest hi guys]

hi guys.

So lately I have been running into a certain question on multiple occasions.What question...? Well, the title says it all.How do you find your authentic self?!

Coming from the mindset that every action I take is influenced by so many factors like: the previous events that happened in my life,my genetics,the cultural environment that I grew up in,my family,all the people I ve encountered in my life,etc. what the hell is authentic self,how do I know what I actually am?

This question pops up into my mind a lot of times I tried to do self actualization work.

The latest example that pops up into my mind was just 30 minutes ago,when I was reading a book called "No.More Mr.Nice Guy",a book designed to correct the people pleasing mentality. At one point I ran across the phrase: "...rather then focusing outward for acceptance and approval,you turn inward.In doing so, you can begin asking yourself the important questions: What do I want?,What feels right to me?,What would make me happy?".

Well, I've been  in this people pleasing mentality for  almost my entire life so obviously the thing that feels right to me is pleasing other people and getting their approval.

So I often ask myself: do I want to be this,or do I want to be that?

Maybe this sounds idiotic but I am quite confused,so please help.

[Corte]

What do you do when no one is watching? When you're all alone and feel the freedom of judgment-less time to yourself? 

Your true self may be hidden in what you don't let other people see while you're pleasing them. Maybe it's something you're afraid of what they would think of you if they found out. 

This isn't something terribly important to focus on, some people live in lack because they feel they are still "finding themselves" the ego loves to play around with this self, so just be aware. Self is something more like a feeling that you can't just put into a simple sentence. No one needs to understand besides you. And if you don't understand yet, you will over time as you grow spiritually. 

[Nameless]

Hi - hi guy?

you are trapped in a thought vortex or thought tornado.

Watch a video, read a book, post a question about all the thinking is the behavioral pattern the teachers and society like! 

Quiet your mind, set down the book, video's and disregard Corte's and mine answers.

who are you? Where are you? Where did you come from? Where or what were you before then? And who is the "you" who is inquiring now? 

There is no answer to this reply...shed your thoughts like rain off an umbrella.

peace

 

 

 

[Consept]

Hey, a lot of people, myself included, go through this thing of trying to get your self worth from outside of yourself, specifically from other people. It's almost like it's been so ingrained in us that we don't realise we do it and in fact are convinced that if they just get that thing or life that everyone would want then we'll finally have 'made it' and be worth something. 

 

I felt like this for the longest and actually tried to change how I naturally was to gain acceptance. The problem is you become a slave to whatever is the common mode of thought and none of the decisions you make are actually yours. 

So what should you 'do'? Begin working on your integrity and self-esteem, put yourself as the most important person that to please not everyone else, if everyone says your dumb for reading books, back yourself and don't agree with them (not saying fight with everyone, just defend your corner).

Also become more conscious in general, be aware when you're going against yourself, even if you don't take action, watch it. Meditation, as well as taking time just for you really helps seperate the fake you from the real you. The other thing you got to think is if people only like you because of your people pleasing personality do they really like you at all? Give yourself a chance to be you 

[Mal]

@hi guys Hi there!

You asked the question - 

15 hours ago, hi guys said:

Coming from the mindset that every action I take is influenced by so many factors like: the previous events that happened in my life,my genetics,the cultural environment that I grew up in,my family,all the people I ve encountered in my life,etc. what the hell is authentic self,how do I know what I actually am?

Well this is a great question, and while it's a challenging question and there are no quick or easy solutions, it excites me to find fellow knowers who are in possession of accurate foundational knowledge about the nature of reality, our mental-emotional constructs that we are all presently experiencing and how they have been formed.  I assume that you might well agree with me that there is not a single one of us are truly culpable for our current circumstances because our individual and collective life situations could not have unfolded any differently than they already have.  But although none of us are personally responsible for our past conditioning and present moment circumstances, I think the good news is we can - from now on - with the correct tools - make pre-determined choices in order to improve our experience of life.  IF of course this is something that we really want to do?

From my vantage point giving and receiving approval is an ordinary human and very beautiful form of exchange, as well as being an essential stage of human developmental unfoldment (conformist stage). I believe that the need for giving and receiving love and acceptance is what makes us human - without this need I think our experience on this planet would be a very different one indeed.  I don't subscribe to the theory that this is at all a minor pathological process that needs to be looked upon as some kind of flaw or problem to be fixed.

In addition, over the years I have observed that probably most people whether they are aware of it or not choose to stay at this fulcrum of development, mainly because I think society is at this point not set yet up for individual self-actualization to happen naturally beyond the conformist structure.  Therefore, further development is not particularly obvious to us unless we take considerable time to delve into the sources of information and practice that point the way toward further progress.

Integrally minded psychologists like Abraham Maslow have called this conformist era the "belonging needs" stage.  However, there are further levels that we can reach if we desire, but in order for progression to happen we need to learn how to clearly translate and differentiate certain aspects of ourself, transcend them, and then eventually re-integrate them in their more evolved forms.  If we are prepared to work on our traits our need for approval eventually blossoms into a "celebration of self and other" and consequently the need to help others fulfil their potential becomes the main area of focus for us.  At this point the psychological trait evolves from a deficiency need into a being need.  During this later stage the reward for "pleasing people" is now a sense of fulfillment at either being able to assist others in realizing their potential or just accepting them completely as they are - which I might add is an extremely rewarding perspective to inhabit!  The main felt difference here is that the there is now no absolute requirement for other people to be anything for us other than who they currently are.  But for us who have done the work there is instead a heightened sense of pleasure and satisfaction when others make strides to fulfil their potential.  Either way it's a win-win and a non-duality situation.

So essentially for us who are on the path of higher development there is no requirement to make neediness into a problem.  Neediness itself is recognized for what it is: an essential aspect of being human. But, there IS scope for potential if we and/or others want to take self-development further than the current socially accepted centre of gravity.

Maybe my explanation will shed a dim flashlight on why the need for seeking approval at this point seems so right to you?  Maybe because it IS right. It is authentic and it is just fine for where you are now at this point in your life,  because this is what life has designed for you.  From where I'm standing I currently understand that authenticity isn't a set of characteristics that only "highly developed" people possess (whatever this means to us individually), but authenticity is a characteristic of being in congruence with who we are right now, no matter what.  Are we going to deny the authenticity of a baby who hasn't yet had any life experience? Authenticity is present all the way up the spiral of human development.  So there is no real reason for any of us to feel confused or worried that one is not being authentic - unless of course one is in denial of a fair proportion their real character traits!

But, if it is what we want all of us are free to take our development to further stages:

So if we want to climb the ladder of development past the need to conform I recommend we first take a look at this short collage of Sam Harris pieces on the illusion of "free will":

Despite logically and experientially for some the notion of "free will" being exposed as an illusion and that we're all pretty much stuck with our "lot in life", I have myself unlearned the developmentally fatal mistake of assuming that in the context of enlightenment "self-development" is an essentially pointless endeavour.  In fact, the in face of the stark reality that there is indeed no inner self in control of my experience, time and time again this insight has given me a very exciting platform on which to take self-development very seriously.  In my opinion self-development doesn't mean developing the self that thinks it's in control of it's life experience, but is more accurately about the development of the vehicle - the manifestation, our conditioned thought and emotional processes that are the product of our past which can now be much more easily cleaned up and geared up for optimum satisfaction in getting our potential fulfilled. 

The fact that we are able to experience first-hand insight via meditation or self inquiry that free will is indeed an illusion and that there is no "self" residing in our experience, makes it all the more easier to develop because now this "self" is essentially out of the equation. This knowledge makes it much much easier to effect change in our system - because in reality change is all that really exists- so why not change in a direction that is healthy?  In this light we are now free to move with this current and adapt our thoughts and feelings to serve us instead of hinder us.  It's my firm belief that "No-self" and "self-development" go hand in hand.  

Anybody along the stage of developmental unfolding can have an experience of "no-self".  It's true that not everybody can hold this realization at the lower levels, but in just the same way a new born baby has access to gross, subtle and causal states (waking, dreaming and deep sleep states) everybody, no matter how developed they are, can have "enlightenment" experiences.  In fact, the more enlightenment experiences, the better for development and growth!

To present this another way,  I urge you to attempt to think about trying to change yourself while you still assume that all of this is personal to you, that you somehow own your experience and life situation.  Contemplate this and you will hopefully quickly realize that as long as we are still in the grips of ego it is near on impossible to change, because the ego's very purpose is to get everything to adjust to IT'S way of being, which is (as you may have noticed) a completely losing game.

The following insert is for all of us who are struggling with what we are supposed to be disidentifying from during meditation - It's not the personality that is the problem, but the basic assumption that we are in control of any of it:

For re-conditioning I suggest the following video from @Leo Gura about the realizing the illusion inherent in some of our thinking:

Upon reading your comment I presume that in your case you maybe presently believe that if you did something other than act upon your desire to please, for example, speaking or acting in a way that was self-pleasing, ignoring another person's request of you or didn't whole-heartedly continue with a conversation somebody else initiated (despite possibly a momentary lack of interest on your part)  - that somehow, something "bad" will happen to you as a result?  If this is genuinely the case for you then I can assure you that you are not alone, most of us experience this or have experienced this during our lifetime.

If you do on some level imagine that something "bad" will happen to you if you do not conform, then I'd like to suggest the possibility that in this particular instance you might be buying into an "illusion". 

The possibility that you may hold illusions is not your fault, (all of us are holding onto illusions, many times and in many different contexts). Certainly you have already admitted that you already are aware (on some level, whether it be conceptual or experiential) that our current self expression is a by-product of a plethora of past conditioning that we have had no real control over.  

So in my opinion the first step here is to inquire into yourself and find out if you maybe condemning yourself over having this illusion which is driving any possible neediness - then proceed to giving yourself a break!  Don't fight it.  Accept it.  Learn to love it - send it meta and compassionate loving kindness, hopefully much like you would send meta when thinking about all other people you know who are suffering with these same kinds of issues in this life.

Leo has done a very good video on how to send loving kindness to these aspects of yourself:

So I recommend a combination of essential daily practices:

Meditation - to switch identification from the personal ego having an experience to realizing you are actually the container of experience,

and

Meta/Loving Kindness/Self Acceptance 

and 

Questioning Beliefs

and

Present Moment Focus - Realizing that the past is a thought and the future (as you imagine it) will never come  Approach life as much as possible in this state experience.

In my opinion the main realization to cultivate is that there is just experience and there is no controlling centre that we normally feel residing inside the head or behind the eyes.  And if there is only experience then it's preferable to learn to love and develop our traits with feminine integrative based practices like "loving kindness" while at the same time deprive the controlling centre with masculine based practices of mindfulness meditation and present moment focus alongside the additional project of gently and gradually undermining the beliefs that are holding us at our current stage of development.  I use masculine and feminine here in the context of Eros and Agape:  The masculine practices are for the cultivation and strengthening of the "Witness Self" and the feminine practices integrate experience.  

The paradox of enlightenment is thus: The more we accept the less desirable parts of us and the more we deprive the part of us that wants to control our experiences the less "needy" we become and the more we develop upward from a state of "deficiency" (neediness) toward a state of "being" (autonomous generosity).

But development and enlightenment always start with where we are now.  We start where we are now and focus on the practice of these specific techniques and let go of trying to correct or even disown certain personal traits or characteristics on the intellectual level.  

I am personally at a stage of more-or-less uninterrupted gratitude for the wonder and richness of life and the people I encounter every day.  I experience the world afresh daily and nothing seems to get "old" for me these days.  For me there is nothing more blessed than having been born into this world.  I hope that this depth of feeling will be with me on my death-bed, and if death really is a reality then I can retire from my existence a happy and fulfilled person.  Mission accomplished!  

These tools and concepts have taken me on a journey, that although has sometimes been fraught with difficulty and pain, is now truly paying off in terms of happiness, social-functionality and deep satisfaction.  I hope that the correct understanding and sincere application of these methods will do the same for you too.

Warm Regards

-Mal

[key]

@Mal I just wish to send my appreciation for the post which you took your time of day to write, which holds so much truth to people on this journey in any stage of development. 

thank-you