Discovering Self-actualization While Single Parenting, Feeling Inadequate And Fear Of Passing My Own Dysfunction Onto Daughter

[Foreign]

I have struggled with self-judgement, feelings of inadequacy, self-defeating thinking for years. Just now discovering Self-actualization after watching the victim-mentality video. My childhood experiences developed into my belief that I had to be the perfect parent, self-sacrificing, etc. The fear driving this is that my daughter will end up with no sense of self, dysfunctional, low self-esteem, and unable to have healthy relationships... like me. First 2 years of her life I was consumed in protecting her. Legitimate concerns for her well being with her father, family Court, etc. Now I'm at a place where I can recognize areas I need to start working on. I'm often overwhelmed though, and while having a fear of my own baggage hurting my daughter, I feel detached from her at times, I get angry. I have no sense of self as a single parent. My support system sucks, certainly no one around me is on a path to self-actualization. Feeling overwhelmed as I start to unfold shit and need some tips. Where you even begin. Where to even start my day. 

[Lynnel]

Honestly, as I've seen with my own parents, focus on the stuff that is really hard to repair later on : mainly unconditionnal love and support. If you have this one right the rest is not as important and can be learned later on once she needs it.

There is no way you'll do everything perfectly because that's simply impossible, hence focus on the essential part and don't panic by blaming yourself too much.

Overall don't worry about it too much and honestly just do your best. Start with yourself, and once you're in a really good shape lift your daughter up as well !

Best of luck !

[Corte]

The fact that you are here right now, and accepting these truths is beautiful. This is one of the hardest steps for most, but you've overcome it. as Lynnel said already, don't obsess over the dysfunction and passing negativity to your child. Keep a balance of control and freedom, relationship and guidance/parenting. Show her how you love her infinitely, unconditionally. 

My mother is by no means perfect, but my entire childhood she showed me the truest form of love I've ever known. It was effortless. This has played a vital role in the person I am today. I'm here on this forum, pursuing the best life possible at twenty-one years old, and I owe my success to her. 

You say your support system sucks, maybe not the best environment for the results you want, but you have the ability to be the peace in this storm, something that your child will admire you for in the future. Of course your environment can effect it, but your growth does not depend on it. Cultivating love within yourself, and then bringing that outward for your child to feel is one of the best things you can do for her. 

Don't be intimidated, take on these challenges head on and never look back. Both you and your child will thank you for this work. 

[Leo Gura]

@Foreign It's good that you're at lease conscious enough to realize the problem. The reality is that you certainly will pass on your neuroses to your child unless you take some action. The good news, you've got plenty of time to self-actualized while your daughter is still young. In a few years, you can make lots of progress.

Start with baby steps. Perhaps start with a 20 minute per day meditation habit.

[Foreign]

@Leo Gura @Corte @Lynnel Thank you everyone for your thoughtful and supportive feedback. I could feel that I was becoming neurotic. Dealing with grad school, spending all of my time outside of class with a strong-willed 3 year old, being isolated, and not taking care of myself  sets the stage for my mind to go down a dark path. Watching the videos helped me to recognize that I am in control and I have the ability to direct which way things go for us. Going to make sure meditation and exercise are added into my routine. 

[Friend]

@Foreign  As everyone has already said, love your child! 

 

[Foreign]

@Jakeumz Beautiful! Someone once told me; "we think that we are here to teach our children, but they are here to teach us". A good reminder to slow down and listen.