Is thinking you are the opposite sex unconscious?

[Annonymous]

I fear what my Dad would think or do, currently under guardianship and fear what the judge may think and that it might effect their decision.

My mom's claim to the Judge was that I was going to give all of my trust fund money to my Dad and move in with him, this claim being a year ago.

But I wasn't going to give any money and at the time I wanted to move out into my own place to try to find myself, I wouldn't have been able to do that if I moved in with my Dad. Only supplements that I am currently taking are Ginkgo Biloba, MultiVitamins, I have some St. John's wort I am trying, plus getting some melatonin tomorrow to help me sleep better. Main reason I have problems sleeping is because I can't stop thinking about how I feel like a woman and what am I going to do about it. Luckily under the guardianship I was able to move into my own place after I graduated from HighSchool in May.

[Annonymous]

@remember I haven't tried embracing my femininity completely, the only thing I have done recently is growing out my hair(medium length currently). Grew out my nails kinda long but when I went to hangout with my Dad the other day to help him unpack from moving to a new place I trimmed my nails short because I didn't want him to see. When I was younger my mom found that I had painted my nails and she helped me remove the paint so my Dad wouldn't see. I also would try and put on my mothers lipstick many times as a kid but she would take it away assuming I must have thought it was chapstick.

[Devi Shanti]

13 hours ago, Annonymous said:

I fear what my Dad would think or do, currently under guardianship and fear what the judge may think and that it might effect their decision.

My mom's claim to the Judge was that I was going to give all of my trust fund money to my Dad and move in with him, this claim being a year ago.

But I wasn't going to give any money and at the time I wanted to move out into my own place to try to find myself, I wouldn't have been able to do that if I moved in with my Dad. Only supplements that I am currently taking are Ginkgo Biloba, MultiVitamins, I have some St. John's wort I am trying, plus getting some melatonin tomorrow to help me sleep better. Main reason I have problems sleeping is because I can't stop thinking about how I feel like a woman and what am I going to do about it. Luckily under the guardianship I was able to move into my own place after I graduated from HighSchool in May.

What about sex? Do you feel sexual desires for men? What are your instictive wills around sex? You feel masculine on it (dominating, pushing, penetrating) or more feminine (beeing dominated, being penetrated?)

(Sorry if it was too intrusive, you don't have to answer if you don't feel like. I'm just kind trying to probe what is it about feeling like a woman you say)

You know, other day I saw a couple at a restaurant. They were an "straight" couple, but the man was more produced than the woman. He was wearing a skirt, high heels, using lipstick and had painted nails. It was so weird to me, because I would expect from a person like him to be with another man, not with a woman, but there they were, kissing and acting like a regular couple. People have so many diverse behavior... It's hard trying to put everybody in boxes with designations.

Edited September 26, 2019 by Devi Shanti

[Annonymous]

@Devi Shanti I only feel attraction towards women. I feel like if I was biologically born female I'd be a lesbian. On the dominating vs the one being dominated I haven't really thought about it very much. I am the type of person that's either listening to something heavy like death metal or I am listening to something very light like night-core dubstep(maybe this gives an insight of who I am). I don't think I would ever transition but if I had the chance to leave my body to go into a female body I most likely would do so. Many times due to meditation, etc I have felt just pure emptiness which many times leads me to asking if I ever existed. I made the model of Gender Dysphoria in hopes of trying to remove the feminine feeling but when I considered the possibilities if possible to do so it felt like someone was holding a gun up to my head and doing so I'd die(not really but the self aka the ego if that makes sense).

I feel like my trans identity is standing in the way of me becoming enlightened.

Edited September 26, 2019 by Annonymous

[DrewNows]

@Annonymous your identity will always mask enlightenment, it will always get in the way of truly seeing others and Knowing yourself 

perhaps it’s time to drop your labels and beliefs, and just be you 

[Annonymous]

@DrewNows What do you mean by drop my beliefs and be me? Do you mean the emptiness from meditation or be what I feel?

[remember]

5 hours ago, DrewNows said:

@Annonymous your identity will always mask enlightenment, it will always get in the way of truly seeing others and Knowing yourself 

perhaps it’s time to drop your labels and beliefs, and just be you 

that`s bs in a sense as identity is not about labels but about belonging to a social group. at age nineteen s/he starts to cut the ties with the family tribe finding the true identity with the tribe of friends and likeminded. this has to do with finding out about oneself and is of course bound to how we dress and project our identity outwards to make clear where we belong. the lipstick is not a lable it is a symbol of female energy and beauty.

@Annonymous starting with growing the hair is a really good start, will take a while though. i always loved to brush the hair and try some styles when i was younger it feels really good when they grow longer if you once cut them too short and then the growing out is a pain can understand how that is feeling.

always recommending rhodiola for better mood stability because i like that so much it gives you some streangth for the whole family problems. of course having to hide femininity from your dad is a problem which has to do with a lot of selfesteem until you can have a coming out - but as you are in the process of finding out it`s maybe not really the best time to already let him know as you are not really safe yourself about what you might really want. so it`s not so bad maybe. you could start laquering your toe nails, if you don`t walk barefeet a lot. i almost never wear laquer on my fingernails, because it`s such a work and cutting the finger nails short from time to time is not so bad, if you have your toes nice and glossy

Edited September 26, 2019 by remember

[Devi Shanti]

7 hours ago, Annonymous said:

@Devi Shanti I don't think I would ever transition but if I had the chance to leave my body to go into a female body I most likely would do so.

I am sure you would regret on your first menstruation and hormones fluctuation

You know, I think you should not to give so much attention to this aspect of your life. Things grow in our head when we feed it with attention. Enlightenment is about love. Love yourself, practice empathy and autruism, help people around you. Try to make your life simple.

♥️?

[DrewNows]

4 hours ago, Annonymous said:

@DrewNows What do you mean by drop my beliefs and be me? Do you mean the emptiness from meditation or be what I feel?

Let go of the beliefs given to you by the culture, as in, “a man needs to have masculine energy and a woman the opposite, so you gotta choose one or the other and change your identity to fit in with society so people can label you like you wish to label them” 

the real you goes beyond any state or appearance so why make such a big deal out of “who you are”, it’s like you’re afraid to accept yourself so others will not be able to accept you either, people change so when we stop labeling them as who we see on the surface, they will realize if they’d like to be friends, their labeling toward you isn’t going to do them any favors  

express yourself however you wish now and know you’re able to change whenever you feel like it 

life isn’t as black and white as culture makes it out to be. Everyone has both feminine and masculine energy so letting go of identity judgments will be a self empowering move, both liberating and loving 

@remember the labels are about what’s coined acceptable and not. When we accept others we accept ourselves, enjoy expression but fuck trying to be a certain way to fit in to people’s ideas 

[DrewNows]

What I’m saying is we can be aware of how and why we create our own meaning 

when its not suiting us we can easily change it 

Edited September 26, 2019 by DrewNows

[Annonymous]

Just had a thought along with some research to explain to some degree why I must feel like a woman. When I was younger due to child hood abuse along with being pushed to be tough, I felt that one thing I needed was facial hair. I come from an Indian background where facial hair is very rare which led me into taking herbs for an example that would block dht for an example for hair growth, what I also didn't realize is I was that not only did dht play a role in masculinizing the body but also many herbs I was taking as well had phyto-estrogens in them. I also would stay up for days to a week quite often, plus extreme stress which both contribute to decreasing testosterone. Plus throw in some alcohol which disrupts hormone imbalance, I have very little boob tissue as well. Where as men usually have big shoulders, I have medium to small structured shoulders very similar to a woman's. Lastly I have had child hood trauma from child hood abuse that happened from around 5 - 13 years old. Plus in my genetics I have long eye lashes like a woman, according to a face scan when I had long hair (I had cut it trying to please the judge but currently decided to fuck that I am growing it back since April this year) my face was 90+ % feminine. I also have mostly hanged around women in my life.

[Annonymous]

When I took a chromosome test a year or two ago the doctor said there was a problem with my chromosomes yet they didn't really have any information on what issues could be caused or any effects from the chromosomes.

[Annonymous]

According to a Masculine/Feminine test, I range from 81% feminine and 36% masculine

https://www.idrlabs.com/gender/test.php

[bejapuskas]

Guys, don't be affraid of your feminine side, feel your emotions, hug trees, do yoga in the park, all of that is beautiful and nice, but also don't forget that you need to be decisive, able to face difficulties, don't pretend that you are just girlish... It's nice to live through that when you are hyper-masculine, but it's the balance that really makes it the best. I think you can have both aspects of you healthily developed at the same time, one can be more dominant, but just don't overlook the other.  

[Devi Shanti]

@bejapuskas ♥️

[Annonymous]

I feel like a woman, attracted to both trans women and women. I recently been questioning myself and discovered that I like trans women just as much as I like women, I am afraid of coming out but I know that if I don't I am going to remain depressed and alone. I keep seeming to have dreams that I am a woman.I am single and it seems like I enjoy anal which I tried using a long carrot, and I loved it quite a bit. I have had self hatred for years but due to Leo's videos I have slowly decreased my self hatred and have learned to love myself. Do you have any advice? Am I like this because I was sexually abused from like 5 -13 years old, hormone imbalance? In the past I have almost committed suicide like 4 times @Devi Shanti I even have a crush on a Shellya  Wandergirlt a trans porn star. 

[Devi Shanti]

@Annonymous I can't avoid thinking your story of sexual abuse in childhood and also this hormone imbalance are directly related to your sexual and gender issues nowadays. 

Have you ever tried psychotherapy? I think someone who had suffered this type of severe trauma in childhood would never pass without a psychologist help. It's very important.

One thing that has been helping many people (including me) to deal and overcome deep traumas and emotional issues is Ayahuasca. I strongly recommend it. You should check out if you have it in your country. 

I hope you had stopped thinking about take off your life. If you need someone to talk, count on me.

[Annonymous]

I haven't ever tried psychotherapy before, I did take some therapy when I told my parents what happened. I was like 13 years old when I told my parents how I had been sexually abused since I was like 5. My parents immediately took me to therapy, at the time I was uncomfortable talking about it so I pretended that I was fine in order to stop talking about it. But years later I was still uncomfortable about it, in March my Grandma had passed away along with my cousin Nathan who sexually abused me was there as well. At first before everyone got ready to start at the funeral I saw Nathan and began to feel nervous, anxiety and ended up crying so much that I was shaking. Later afterwards my cousin Nathan had his older brother tell me how he was sorry for what he did, he even had tears in his eyes. My cousin Nathan when he was younger an older man was sexually abusing him, he had told his mom but his mom didn't do anything about it till Nathan ended up sexually abusing me as a child.  I told him that I had forgiven him in which he had asked if he could give me a hug but I said no out of being uncomfortable. @Devi Shanti

[Annonymous]

I'll check it out, and I appreciate that you are here for me if I need to talk. @Devi Shanti

[Devi Shanti]

@Annonymous ?❤️