Depression and Life?

[Shir]

Hey Everyone,

I'd really sincerely appreciate anyone's thoughts and help if you would be so kind.

I've been suffering from Depression & Suicidal thoughts for years now. Although I've been in Therapy for about almost 2.3 years, now that it's coming to an end...I feel that much more lost and depressed to begin with. I know my Therapist tried his best with me and so it isn't that I'm blaming him per se - I do take responsibility that this is possibly all on me. I have refused medication, and by being a Psych student feel like I get the jist of SSRI's and feel like it's an hopeless road to per take with them in my situation. 

I've been consumed with the feelings and thoughts of "I get the point of life, but I don't FEEL the point of life anymore". 

And, although I'm trying I cannot help but be struck at least 8 times a day with a sudden and overwhelming feeling of "I don't have the desire to live". 

for reference, I'm 27 and single and have lost any and all desires for a social life, lost any and all my desires for romantic relationships, lost my desire for marriage, lost my desire for kids and what seems to have kept me is the desire to accomplish my dreams career wise but now everything's crumbling and seems like it will never happen and everything else that's close to it, doesn't excite me and makes me feel like I'd be chasing something I never really wanted to begin with (as a plan B). I feel like the only thing that sparks my joy is barely keeping me here (dream career); it's hard but I just want to drop everything; school, career and feel like I have nothing to look forward to anymore.

I feel like even when I push myself and go out with friends, I do so more for THEM and inside I am miserable. I don't want to date and waste anyone's time because I just know inside how awful I'd feel. I try and push myself through school but truth be told after over 3 years now, I am honestly over it. I feel like everything I wanted in life is either no longer achievable or that the desires for all of those things have died in me. 

I feel so alone in all of this and it breaks my heart because I don't know what I can really do because all of my desires are gone essentially and it's hard just getting through a day. I cannot organically"fake" the desire for life, for lack of words right now. I feel like when someone's thirsty, yes they can replenish themselves with water...but I cannot seem to find how to replenish that lack of will to live, in me. 

I wish you all could understand (what I'm trying to convey with words) - the depth of pain it feels like to not be able to feel the desire to live and that everything that seems to make other ppl thrive and happy, are not able to do that for me anymore.

It's horrible and I hope no one feels this way. 

[DawnC]

hey shir,

few things that came to my mind i hope you'll find helpful:

1. realize you do have hope and motivation to some degree:

otherwise you wouldn't have written this. and that is a good think. try to find what are you hoping for by writing this (your dream outcome of this post) and realize you have a desire for that thing. that is a powerful notion, and it gives you motivation and something to work with.

2. you are not the first one to experience this:

do not overlook this statement! people have gone trough this. lots of people! and many made it through and leave a happy life.

realizing this can make experiencing it much easier and create hope by it self. but besides that, it also has some practical value.

if people solved it - it is solvable. seek their solution..

few technical suggestions that helped me-

-try to find some thing you do want to do and have passion for - even if it is a new diet change, a thing you find interesting in history, quit smoking or even something you think is stupid. make it a daily habit and even start the day with it. 

-try basic and simple (!!) mindfulness meditation every day even for 5-10 minutes. alone or even there are some guided ones

-try to start doing some physical exercise - even 10 minutes walk. that actually really helps

-try to find a mindfulness based cognitive therapy protocol read and try to act on it. or find a therapist that will stick to these procedure. i found it helpful.

-redecorate your apartment, light up some candles around the place

-shower a lot (sounds funny but helps energetically)

-go to nature a lot (as much as you can actually.. places with water are the best - lakes, rivers, the beach etc)

3. start slowly and create successes:

don't come up with some fantasy all solving solution. or fantasies about exercising 2 hours a day and meditating 4. start slowly, with action comes motivation. also apply this when you have some thing you have no motivation for - like going out with friends. don't think about the hole process and evening . separate it into a smaller parts: take a sower - dress - drive to the restaurant - eat - go to a bar (it will be good not to stay in one place for a long time) - you got it...  when it is small it is easier to act on

4. stop trying to find the root cause of your problem:

start thinking about your Depression in a different way. don't think about some great root cause that you can find and fix and that everything is gonna change immediately. 

try think about your depression as a set of symptoms - with no cause! as if the combination of symptoms, the connections between them and the symptoms themselves are the root cause of symptoms. 

i suggest drawing a graph of cycles and lines. each dot represents a symptom. for instance: 

sleeping problems - not leaving the house - anhedonia - social isolation 

and think how are they all connected and help each other, for example - if i'm tired because i have a sleeping issues, i won't get out of the house because i'll be tired, witch we'll make me more isolated and to feel worse and my sleeping problems will get worse.

draw it, make the connections, and find where you can break it.

(i'll point out that that is a helpful practical perspective to get yourself out of the depression. after that you might wanna deal with some huge emotional or other problems you have that can actually be a "root cause" and put you at risk of falling again, but it will be much easier to work on it while you are feeling better)

5. believe it or not from some perspectives that's a good thing to experience:

when i had my first depression and anxiety, i had some thoughts that gave the experience meaning. i knew i was gonna work with people, and that my experience at that moment was important for my understanding and ability to help others. seek you meaning.

besides that - you can look at it from this perspective - the root cause of your problem is that you don't see any difference in your feelings of fulfillment and happiness in life in the outcome of anything you can do on the outside world (like getting married and have a dream job) compare to the levels of fulfillment and happiness you feel right now. and that is actually a good thing. why? because it is true. nothing you do on the outside world can make a real difference. and to some degree, realizing it is a progress. what is missing is that a change can be made on how you feel, not trough something outside but trough a change in you respective. and that is where you should aim for... that is where you motivation should come from.

6. don't give up:

not in the way you think. well, also that  

 i' talking about small everyday things. like washing the plate right after you eat. or taking a shower when you get home instead of going to bed and skipping it. small stuff. believe it or not that's helpful. it is much easier to make those decision than to decide to go out with friends when you are totally empty of desire. and it creates momentum.

7. there are tons of different therapy possibilities and tons of therapists:

even if he did his best, your therapist may not be the one for you. it can be your personalty match, it can be his therapy method that doesn't fit you or your condition or something else. but don't give up therapy. it can help if you find the right one. sick help - don't be shy or arrogant. try to locate people that have experienced you condition and worked with a therapist that actually help them or try to find a therapist that is a specializes in cases like your. don't skip any kind of therapy people recommend (even if it sounds weird) - keep an open mind and try! (unless you see it is no match - you know best). 

8. get rid of shame and guilt:

another impotent notion -  it is ok to feel what you feel!  write it down: it is ok to feel everything i feel. poot it on your desk and near your bed. it won't solve the problem, but maybe it will make the way to the solution easier. let yourself feel that experience. let go of guilt and shame. what do you have to blame your self for or feel guilty about? list it. for each reason ask your self if it is really the truth (Byron Katy stile). i also recommend Leo's video on responsibility vs blame (or something like that) watch it and try to apply. 

9. tell people about it:

when you do meet friends and family - open your heart and tell them about how you fill. when you keep it to yourself it makes you feel more isolated which makes you feel worse.

10. re-frame and upgrade your career and purpose:

how is this experience can change you purpose in this life? how can this experience make you better in serving this world? why did the the world needs you to go through this? what are you (or your soul) trying to tell your self with it? how is this experience connected to the rest of my life? how  does this experience make my life story hole?

11. keep going.

 

-<3-

 

Edited September 21, 2019 by DawnC

[crab12]

I'm probably not the most qualified person to answer as I've never seriously considered suicide.

It has been a few years since I felt somewhat similar. As if I was being dragged through the day by obligations that have long lost their meaning. Everything was difficult and I had to force myself to do the most simple things. Otherwise I would just stop doing anything for days. Then the anxiety, guilt and depression rose to unbearable levels and it pushed me into action again for a short while. I was scared of the future, I was on a path to even greater misery. Anyway, what turned it around for me, I spent a few weeks trying to figure out if there was anything that I actually wanted to do. The anxiety, panic, fear, guilt was so intense I was unable to think clearly. My mind was a mish mash of incoherent thoughts and anxiety. I found that when I went to hot shower it eased the anxiety and I gained a sense of clarity temporarily. I spent like 10hrs each day under the hot shower, racking up huge bills, lol. At first I couldn't find anything. Then I imagined if I was a wizard and could do literally anything I wanted, would I still sit in my apartment all day do nothing? I would totally do awesome things then, but it's just that I'm not a wizard and I can't do anything in real life. Then it dawned on me that there actually was something that I wanted to do just that I thought it was not possible.

Some time later I broke out of victim thinking and realized I actually can do the things I want in real life without needing to be a wizard. This turned everything around for me and I've changed my life quite a bit since then. I had a career too that I went to university for and spent 5+ years working on which I quit and started something else which I'm still happy with.

I'm not suggesting you to quit or do anything rash. Try to figure out if there is a desire in your gut to do something. Maybe the things you want have changed but you feel obligated to continue doing old things since you've already invested so much into them.

[Nahm]

On 9/21/2019 at 11:41 AM, Shir said:

I've been suffering from Depression & Suicidal thoughts for years now. Although I've been in Therapy for about almost 2.3 years, now that it's coming to an end...

Why is it ending?  Who decided this? 

I feel that much more lost and depressed to begin with. I know my Therapist tried his best with me and so it isn't that I'm blaming him per se - I do take responsibility that this is possibly all on me.

Specifically - how so? 

I have refused medication,

Why? 

and by being a Psych student feel like I get the jist of SSRI's

You have taken them and know - or you assume you know, without actually experiencing? 

and feel like it's an hopeless road to per take with them in my situation. 

What is your unique situation, which you are using as the justification for hopelessness? 

I've been consumed with the feelings and thoughts of "I get the point of life, but I don't FEEL the point of life anymore". 

What is the point of life you used to “get”, but no longer do?

And, although I'm trying I cannot help but be struck at least 8 times a day with a sudden and overwhelming feeling of "I don't have the desire to live". 

You’re severely misunderstanding your sensations. They are getting hijacked by thought. Living = desire. It’s intrinsic. 

for reference, I'm 27 and single and have lost any and all desires for a social life, lost any and all my desires for romantic relationships, lost my desire for marriage, lost my desire for kids and what seems to have kept me

Kept you what? Happy? Esteemed? Seen a certain way? ... by who?

is the desire to accomplish my dreams career wise but now everything's crumbling and seems like it will never happen

The challenge is how you discover what you’re made of. 

and everything else that's close to it, doesn't excite me and makes me feel like I'd be chasing something I never really wanted to begin with (as a plan B).

So, change your path, in accordance with what you now know you moreso want.

I feel like the only thing that sparks my joy is barely keeping me here (dream career); it's hard but I just want to drop everything; school, career and feel like I have nothing to look forward to anymore.

Looking forward to things is thinking, not sensation. 

I feel like even when I push myself and go out with friends, I do so more for THEM and inside I am miserable.

Then don’t make choices based on what other people think & feel. Make choices based on what you think & feel. 

I don't want to date and waste anyone's time because I just know inside how awful I'd feel.

You psychic? Seriously, how do you know that?

I try and push myself through school but truth be told after over 3 years now, I am honestly over it. I feel like everything I wanted in life is either no longer achievable or that the desires for all of those things have died in me. 

This is your outlook, your perspective. You can change it when you admit it is your choosing. No one forces this perspective on you, no one can change it for you. If it doesn’t feel good, let it go. 

I feel so alone in all of this

You’re saying you don’t want to be social, don’t want to date & have fun - which makes this...complaining, a nasty self defeating habit. 

and it breaks my heart

Sensations are telling you those thoughts are not true. Listen to the sensations, let the perspectives go. Choose a better feeling thought, which is true for you. 

because I don't know what I can really do

You have never been more or less free - only more or less believing thoughts which do not feel good to you. Don’t be so stubborn in the pity party, choose a better thought instead. Momentum builds - everything changes right before your eyes. If you say you can not - then you can not, but then, be less rigid about trying anything which could help you get to this place. 

because all of my desires are gone essentially

Desire is not “yours”...it is prior to thinking, and you are not without it. You are holding layers of belief, about yourself and the potential of your life, which are veiling. Let them go. 

and it's hard just getting through a day. I cannot organically"fake" the desire for life, for lack of words right now.

Perhaps you have been, and it has run it’s course? Now it’s time to ‘do the work’...?

I feel like when someone's thirsty, yes they can replenish themselves with water...but I cannot seem to find how to replenish that lack of will to live, in me. 

It is intrinsic. Beliefs about yourself can be let go, and like a cork let go - emotionally speaking - you “float”. 

Currently - you have this precisely backwards and it is the root of your suffering. 

I wish you all could understand (what I'm trying to convey with words) - the depth of pain it feels like to not be able to

It’s not that you are not able to - it’s that you are not yet willing to be aware of how you are creating the pain. 

feel the desire to live and that everything that seems to make other ppl thrive and happy, are not able to do that for me anymore.

Right, cause you are not other people. But just like everyone, you have unique desires. When expressed and seen, on paper or a wall, they begin to flourish. 

It's horrible and I hope no one feels this way. 

It is and I feel for ya. Been there. “Got out” too. So can you. 

 

[Truth Addict]

I strongly suggest that you watch Leo's most recent videos on Truth, Love, and fear. 

What seems to be the case for you is that you're being paralysed by overthinking, and overthinking is either a product of fear or an addiction (which started by fear). Examine your case very carefully and see what it is and act accordingly.

You need to let more love flow in your life. Your life seems to be lacking Love.

In summary, you can think of yourself right now as someone exactly in the middle of their path. The path starts with complete identification with everything, and ends exactly right in the same place but with way more consciousness. The middle would be the complete dis-identification phase that you're describing. And the ultimate solution for that is Love.

I love you ❤️

Edited September 24, 2019 by Truth Addict

[JustThinkingAloud]

Depression is really hard as there’s many causes not just one. The main problem is that you don’t do anything that makes you feel happy to give you energy and motivation so you need to find new enjoyable activities. You are the one that creates your happiness so it’s up to you to find these activities. I know it’s easy to say but it’s you who can fix it, focus on finding new ways to make yourself happy, you can start with something small and then grow it. You might not find something that will instantly be exciting, it might just be interesting to start with and as you do it more and more you’ll start enjoying it more. Or you can even start with something that you don’t mind doing and find more interesting ways of doing it. Have a look at what you enjoyed in the past, experiment, play with things, try all you can and eventually you’ll find something. Just keep looking, trying and experimenting till you find it, most of the people did find ways to make themselves happy so you can too!

All the best

[DivineSoda]

You don't have the motivation to get better, that's understandable.. but you do have the desire it seems, and that's huge. You just don't know how it's possible. 

Without getting too much into it.. it's possible. Believe it. 

I suffered for 17 years from depression, anxiety, lots of medication, many suicide attempts and plenty of ideation. I thought it would never get better. 

Today this is not the case. 

Seek another therapist, one that you really resonate with and respect. From there you will build up the motivation to do more things that help you rather than hurt you. Also reconsider medication. If you find the right one for you, it can be a tremendous crutch to help you get through the shit while you're putting in the work. Just don't make the mistake I did and see it as a long term solution. 

Good luck to you and please message me if you want someone to talk to.