Step backward because of emotional security?

[Nicachi]

A while ago I was in a relationship with this guy. It all started with that friendship plus thing. After a while I noticed I cached feelings for him and we became a couple. During the relationship I had big shifts in my consciousness, I worked on a lot of personal issues, disfuncional behavior and insecurities. 

After one year of a happy relationship he moved to my house where I lived with my mother and brother. Not a good idea. Since that moment it was awful. The sex became so lame without passion, we were together 24/7 and I didn't had the space I needed. He was really clinging and couldn't understand that I'm going through some deep shit rn.. Like I had traumatic things I was working on and he was really just trying to explain his view without understanding mine... We argued a lot and I noticed it doesnt make sense anymore. So I broke up with him. 

Now.. 9 month after the breakup, we talked about the past, what went wrong etc. Now we want to try it again (as a long distance relationship 500km). 

My best friend told me that she thinks I'm just holding on on him because I think I'm not getting somebody else. 

I know it is not true. I can find somebody else but I don't want. I want to be with him but the thing is... Do I want it because I'm afraid to let go? Was this a step backwards now?

Just to feel safe and not to deal with the pain it would cause to leave him???

Or if it is okay to give second chances and try it again, although he is not at all on this spiritual path like me. It Dienst bother him that I do that stuff but I feel like it could create a kind of distance if I rise in consciousness but he won't.... And somehow I'm afraid to get more aware because I may see it won't work out. 

Ofc I don't wanna live in an illusion and fool myself or him but yes.. Idk maybe you can relate to that? Have you been in a situation like this before? Any advices??? 

Thanks a lot much love... Chichi 

 

[FabulousKitchen]

5 hours ago, Nicachi said:

My best friend told me that she thinks I'm just holding on on him because I think I'm not getting somebody else. 

 

I don't think your friend can read your mind  that doesn't seem like a fair thing to assume about your mentality or your confidence. We accept the love we think we deserve (wall flower quote, yes, it's legit though). While he is far away, it's still possible to meditate on your truth. Your truth of your experience is valid, don't let other people try to interpret your reality for you–don't live according to the illusion. Asking for advice is still okay, but I hope you can find the answers from your individual insight–your truth. Youtube Life coaches like Michelle Lee Nieves, Nu Mindframe, Lisa A Romano and Teal Swan are super helpful Imo (Leo is a great source as well on youtube, but I'm offering some examples of women for help as well)

Edited September 20, 2019 by FabulousKitchen

[Sirius Orion]

As a guy I find very interesting to read a feminine perspective on a relationship ! First, I see all the "classic" red flags of a guy who has no masculine emotional and energetic center (moving in with you and your family (!), making you feel smothered, arguing  ,talking about the past ...) > I would recommend you to read author like David Deida (Way of the superior man) and Corey Wayne (How to be a 3% man), will provide great insights on how (healthy) masculine psyche works .

"although he is not at all on this spiritual path like me" > that's a black flag ! For deeper understanding on spirituality and love, sex, relationships I highly recommend you Omraam Mikhael Aivanhov : you'll thank me later I guarantee  

Good luck!

[LordFall]

Starting it up again with an ex huh, very controversial topic. I feel like most people tend to go with an all-encompassing no(Leo seems to fall within that viewpoint) but I'm torn on it. You shared special moments and a connection with that person and unless things to terribly wrong in the end, it seems normal to me to have lingering feelings about them.

I think, at the very minimum, the key is not repeating the mistakes of the past. Did this person improve themselves(and did you) to the point that old issues shouldn't be a problem anymore? It seems to me like you might possibly be on the unhealthy side of this. The issues that caused your relationship to break apart, in the end, don't seem to have been solved and would only be a non-issue in this instance because of the LDR aspect of it. Do you think you would have a chance to work it out if he did move in with you again? Or do you know for a fact that will kill it right away(just like last time) and you're just artificially fixing that issue by making it an LDR.

If that's the case, I think you're lying to yourself and you know deep down this isn't right and yes, you're avoiding the deep work needed to get over it fully and find someone else you're compatible with. Also, LDR don't seem to be a very healthy, practical and effective approach to relationships in general. For most people, it tends to go sour and seems to just be a coping mechanism to avoid, once again, finding someone you're compatible with. I would count being in the same locale as your partner a strong point of compatibility. 

[Ananta]

Probably not a great idea and I think you know this, that's why you started the thread, so someone says, "for God's sake, noooooo!!!"

He's an ex for a reason. Put yourself back in the emotional place you felt when it wasnt working and ask, do you really want to go through that again?

Of course, you can try, but I will say the heartbreak you feel may be two-fold this time if it doesnt work. It's up to you.

 

[Spiral]

I’d find somebody else, it’s distance, he was clingy last time, he seems like a poor listener and you already broke up once.

[Nicachi]

@FabulousKitchen thank you so much for the comment.. Really helps me out rn ??much love 

[Nicachi]

@Sirius Orion thanks for the recommendation!! I will read it of course... Hopefully it will work to find out more about the masculinity!! Much love 

[Nicachi]

On 20.9.2019 at 3:09 AM, LordFall said:

Starting it up again with an ex huh, very controversial topic. I feel like most people tend to go with an all-encompassing no(Leo seems to fall within that viewpoint) but I'm torn on it. You shared special moments and a connection with that person and unless things to terribly wrong in the end, it seems normal to me to have lingering feelings about them.

I think, at the very minimum, the key is not repeating the mistakes of the past. Did this person improve themselves(and did you) to the point that old issues shouldn't be a problem anymore? It seems to me like you might possibly be on the unhealthy side of this. The issues that caused your relationship to break apart, in the end, don't seem to have been solved and would only be a non-issue in this instance because of the LDR aspect of it. Do you think you would have a chance to work it out if he did move in with you again? Or do you know for a fact that will kill it right away(just like last time) and you're just artificially fixing that issue by making it an LDR.

If that's the case, I think you're lying to yourself and you know deep down this isn't right and yes, you're avoiding the deep work needed to get over it fully and find someone else you're compatible with. Also, LDR don't seem to be a very healthy, practical and effective approach to relationships in general. For most people, it tends to go sour and seems to just be a coping mechanism to avoid, once again, finding someone you're compatible with. I would count being in the same locale as your partner a strong point of compatibility. 

Okay.. These are some really good questions.... Yes I did improve since the break up, and I want to work on my flaws and my behavior.. I also told him that. On the weekend we will see us and then we want to talk. As it seems for now I guess he didn't really worked on himself, but I'm not quiet sure. I will wait til the weekend end see what will come out. 

I want to do this relationship again just in case if he is really ready to work on himself and on the relationship, cause thats a lot of work we gotta do to make it work. And I really want it. I'm excited how he will react to my perspective. 

I guess he'd say something like "ahh you always so serious tho, just chill" 

If he comes me with his attitude I guess it would be a good idea. Cause fore me relationship is really something I want to grow in and also make the other person grow. 

Thanks for your awnser on my issue! Really helped me out... Much love 

[Nicachi]

@Anna1 thanks for your honesty. I will talk to him. On the weekend, depends on how the conversation might go, we will try it or leave it.... 

Not quiet sure yet. 

[Nicachi]

@Spiral thanks for your honest response. Appreciate it. I'll still think about it. Much love 

[Forestluv]

Chemistry is a weird thing. I’ve been a few relationships with turmoil, yet an unmistakable magic as well. 

Living together in a parents home would put a huge strain on a young relationship. If you had space and distance there may have been a different dynamic - or a less intense dynamic. 

On the flip side, a long distance relationship has it strains as well.

To me, it doesn’t sound likely that the two of you are compatible as long term partners. Yet may be compatible short term and learn/grow from each other. 

[Nicachi]

@Serotoninluv yes I also feel like it may be something for the short run... Learning, growing with each other. 

I have a weird gut feeling somehow. I kinda really want to do it and try it out. Still something feels not that convinced about it. 

Cause I know that he is not on selfinquiary and growing but still I have an urge to show him how it could look like... Maybe to give him an idea about selfinquiary. And self help. 

I don't know... Really mixed up feelings in the moment, especially reading all this comments on my post. 

 

[Nicachi]

@Serotoninluv because like you said it would be a long distance relationship and yes that quiet rough. Plus the issues we have to face. 

If he is not ready to change or if he sees that everything is okay without working on it, I won't do it. Cause that would be the same as before. 

We will see... I will know more after the weekend 

[Forestluv]

7 minutes ago, Nicachi said:

@Serotoninluv 

Cause I know that he is not on selfinquiary and growing but still I have an urge to show him how it could look like... Maybe to give him an idea about selfinquiary. And self help. 

I hear ya. It’s an empathetic thing. Sometimes I see someone in turmoil and I feel how introspection and growth could help them. I really want for them to see/experience the benefits and for us to grow together. Especially if they have had some type of abuse or trauma in their past. That is one of my soft spots. . . Sometimes it works out, but if they’re not into it, it usually doesn’t go as far/deep as I had hoped.