Letting go of my mothers fears of me

[paradiseengineering]

Hi guys! 24 year old male here.

I am my mother's only child and have lived alone with her until I was 19. I never had any siblings or a father figure, so she is pretty much my only close family. She lives alone and has almost no friends outside of the family, so I get very much attention from her. She sends me good night and good morning messages every day and calls me very often to talk. If I dont answer right away she gets paranoid and calls me 5 times in a row. In other words, she cares for me very much, but I am feeling a lot of pressure to be there with her, since she have very few other people. 

The problem is that she can be very judgemental and this makes me scared to be myself around her. I am pursuing a music career, and what she thinks of what i put out is blocking my creativity. I dont feel limitless. One time i posted a selfie on my Instagram music page and she told me "that is an awful picture, you are too old to do stuff like that". It was just me looking kind of spooky with a face mask on, but she doesn't understand the humor at all. That hurt me very much. 

When I was 19 she found out that i smoked weed and she got so afraid that she stopped eating and sleeping for days. This made me feel so bad, and afterwards I am often afraid to tell her the truth. For example if im going to a trance festival in the forest or something, I get super anxious for her finding out and is overthinking how to lie in a nice way. If I am on vacation, she demands to know where im sleeping every night.

Often after phone calls i feel very drained emotionally. If I feel on the top of the world and super motivated, she will often bring me down with things to worry about. She really wants me to need her, and she loves to help me. I feel very little masculine after being with her, because she wants to take care of me. 

She is a christian and is a weird mix of green and blue in spiral dynamics, where i am mostly green. I do share very good conversations with her when im in the mood, and I still love her very much. Still, our relationship feels very draining and I am not sure if I should confront her with this. I want to be myself 100% and I dont want her to be afraid.

 

I know the issue is changing myself and not her, but I am still unsure on what to do. Do any of you have any tips? Thanks for reading

 

[K VIL]

@paradiseengineering hey. have you tried talking with her ab it?