how important is attractiveness for men in a relationship?

[bejapuskas]

3 hours ago, bazera said:

What do you mean by strength and leadership qualities? How do I know if I have them or not? Because, obviously some men do have them by default (considering their life experience).

What does being strong and a good leader look like in practice?

Can your work help men develop these qualities? I mean the stuff you teach, for example: mindfulness, love, ability to let go, ability to look at a situation from a different perspectice, having multiple perspectives on a thing, importance of having nondual experiences, importance of being more egoless than selfish, etc, etc. 

Can a man, who doesn't even know that self-reflection is a thing, be a strong leader?

A strong man actively creates his experience, therefore he builds up his skills, he doesn't need anyone to help him with that, nor is it really that possible. A teacher can give you pointers, but the inner work has to be done by you.

[egoeimai]

7 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

Of course not.

Male and female attraction is asymmetrical.

They fantasize about some knight in shining armor whisking them away. Read some cheap romance novels from Walmart to understand how women think 

After all this hard work you've done on yourself, you say this. 

You are so delusional. What kind of girl these days is fantasizing about this? Have you met a girl in your life? Noone thinks like that. 

 

[LoveandPurpose]

Thank you very much @Emerald! 

I have a question about this part:

"And it's important to get it out of your system, as you will likely have a harder time giving up what you've never had when it's time to settle down with someone."

I only had one sexual partner before that relationship, a friend with benefits. How real and important is this issue of having sexual experiences with different people and is it possible to let that go?

[mandyjw]

I think the key to understanding attraction is that everyone feels on some level that something is missing, so what that something is will determine who they are attracted to. 

In the examples below I use "woman" and "man" but it's a trend but certainly not a rule. 

If a woman feels like she is too controlled by her emotions, she will be very attracted to strength and leadership qualities, someone who always stands for his values without wavering, etc. She may not be conscious that she needs to develop these things in herself. A woman who wants a knight in shining armor to whisk her away wants that because she doesn't want to have to do the work herself or accept that she has the power to do it. 

The reason that looks are so important to many men is that beauty is experienced with the heart and not the mind. Sexual attraction is experienced with more than just the mind, so this is the way that men can experience the power of beauty and the heart most powerfully or be introduced to it.  But the mind moves in quickly to co-opt and control the process.

The more he starts using his mind to understand what he is attracted to the more the law of attraction works to separate beautiful and no beautiful. The mind has co-opted beauty and has created in its great ability to distinguish and separate, the concept of ugly. There is no opposite to beauty, just as there is no opposite to love, it's all illusion. 

Opening up to the heart and emotions can be a scary and ephemeral thing so often men sometimes completely pervert the deep reason behind their attraction to a woman's beauty. 

Basically everyone wants enlightenment and integration within themselves and we use each other in various ways to get it. Pain in relationships results showing us that we need to go deeper within ourselves. We miss this lesson if we constantly shuffle about from partner to partner blaming the partner instead of asking the right questions about why we feel the way we do.

Of course there's nothing wrong with wanting what you want,and no one gets anywhere by denying how they feel or what they desire. Just make sure that you try to understand the WHY behind what you want on a deep level or you will perpetuate problems and pain for yourself and others. 

 

[Emerald]

1 hour ago, LoveandPurpose said:

Thank you very much @Emerald! 

I have a question about this part:

"And it's important to get it out of your system, as you will likely have a harder time giving up what you've never had when it's time to settle down with someone."

I only had one sexual partner before that relationship, a friend with benefits. How real and important is this issue of having sexual experiences with different people and is it possible to let that go?

That depends on you. Some people are less oriented to wanting lots of sexual experiences than others are. You just have to be really honest about what you want. So, ask yourself, "If I settled down with this person for the rest of my life, would I be willing to sacrifice any future sexual relationships with other people?"

For you the answer may be yes or no. Either way, be very honest with yourself even if it's uncomfortable.

 

 

[Emerald]

8 hours ago, Etherial Cat said:

This sums up well the girlhood experience, alas.

For sure.

But it also gives contrast for the genuine connections, which are worlds apart emotionally and connection-wise.

 

 

[remember]

@LoveandPurpose  you are twenty, so do you think you really need to be in such a hurry? by the way for women sometimes the face is more important than the rest of the body, because the face mirrors their emotions - if a girl finds a guy with a face that`s not commonly seen as "pretty" she might still find his face really pretty as it is the face of the loved one - if you have problems with that maybe you still coap about what others might think of you - if it`s that you should do her the favour of letting her go at some point. but if you really love her, i can`t see why you can`t start to see her face as absolutely unique. if you can not, never tell her or let her know through your actions it would break her heart. there are always more pretty guys and girls around you, even if you find a super pretty one you will find others who seem more pretty. if you break it of because of that don`t mess up her personality! remind yourself that even a pretty face can become ugly if the personality is ugly.

Edited September 22, 2019 by remember

[Ananta]

5 hours ago, Etherial Cat said:

Building an emotional connection with us wouldn't come to their mind anyway

Or the emotional connection just sorta happens, then they freak out.

Oh God, you don't have the perfect body or legs...shit, crap, I need to find a "hot" girl (a 9 or 10). Even though I'm an average Joe with social anxiety or some other neurosis!!! Lol

I have absolutely no empathy for any of it.

(I'm not really referencing the OP specifically now)

Edited September 22, 2019 by Anna1

[Ananta]

A half way decent looking guy (average), with a halfway decent personality, without social anxiety or neurosis, thats not looking for a flippin super model "hot" chick. Can and do find girlfriends, all the time. 

 

[Ananta]

3 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

Not.

There's countless of men who don't get a gf. There's even a whole incel movement thing about it. How many movements do we need before you can see the truth?

They are either not halfway decent looking, have a shitty personality or have social anxiety like you do.

Edited September 22, 2019 by Anna1

[DrewNows]

@Mikael89 the pressure on men? Oh yeah, but where does that pressure reside, in Truth, if men were to take responsibility for their success with woman? 

imo it all comes down to rejection. Those who don’t or haven’t learned how to take it will always find a way to sabotage because they can’t just be themselves, they gotta create a persona in hopes of finding approval. Others, like myself, (probably you) would rather find any excuse to avoid it. Choose to focus on the negatives rather than on growth. Knee jerk reaction being to think rather than to do. Everyone is dealing with their own struggles whether they can get a gf or not, the ones who thrive are working through their perceived weaknesses 

[Forestluv]

59 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

How is a man supposed to even get a chance to want you in particular when you keep him away?

It's great to be a man, not. Do you understand how much we men have to perform and how awesome we must be before we can get a woman?

The pressure on men is out of this world.

I don't understand how ANY man can get a woman.

I would look at what it means for you “to get a woman”. That may be unattractive to most women. I find it unattractive.

[Ananta]

Omg @Mikael89 isn't this your thread about how "picky" you are about women's attractive or unattractive legs? Lol.

Stop blaming women!!!

You have social anxiety, you don't talk to women in-person and you're picky, that's your problem.

 

[Forestluv]

25 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

What? I just meant initiating a romantic relationship. Was my wording wrong or something? That was unattractive?

Women find almost everything unattractive, since they are so picky, demanding, impossible, and impossible to please and seduce etc. etc.

A man must even walk in a attractive way. That was mentioned in this thread.

Well, a “romantic relationship” certainly sounds softer than “getting a woman”. Yet, what you mean by “romantic relationship” may be different than what most women are attracted to. It seems many men may use the term “romantic relationship” as it may be softer and more appealing - yet deep down it seems sex is primary in “romantic”. What is being expressed in this thread is that there is more breadth and depth that most women desire. There are emotional connections, mutual support and a sense of partnership. Men can say they want these things, yet it’s pretty obvious when a man says “romance”, yet really means “sex” and sees the woman as a sexual object. When a man says “romantic relationship”, it’s usually code for “sexual relationship” and sometimes code for “fuck buddy”. It’s not the terminology you use, it is the underlying orientation. 

One way to expand from this is to form meaningful platonic relationships with women. Yet most men are not interested in that because the sex is by far the highest priority.

[bejapuskas]

@Mikael89  If you cared about quality of your everyday experience, you would automatically become attractive to most women. But you only care about suffering

[Emerald]

1 hour ago, Mikael89 said:

How is a man supposed to even get a chance to want you in particular when you keep him away?

It's great to be a man, not. Do you understand how much we men have to perform and how awesome we must be before we can get a woman?

The pressure on men is out of this world.

I don't understand how ANY man can get a woman.

You must understand, that the abundance of men trying to get a chance leads to a certain kind of security in finding "a" man. I can just walk into a gas station and there will be like 5 men there ready for some form of romance or another. Lots of supply equals little demand. Male interest is as cheap as a gumball.

But there are very very few of those men who are right for me. And finding one of them is like finding a diamond in the rough. Little supply equals lots of demand.

So, the task for women is to sort through a sea of diamond-shaped gumballs to find the actual diamond. And you know that eventually one will just surface. So, you let it be. And there it is.

So, for women, they have to really lean into their intuition to find the right man for them. And this is because the man a woman is with will determine so much about her life. Also, having a baby is a much larger investment for the woman. Plus men are stronger, leaving her in the vulnerable position in a relationship. So, women have to vet men in order to keep their lives in order and to keep themselves and their potential children stable and safe. And not just any Tom, Dick, or Harry who's dtf will do.

And to find a man who can match your level of care and investment... which can be incredibly difficult. There are a great many men who simply aren't mature enough to fall to the depths that we, as women, tend to find quite natural.

But in my pickiness, I've found that the right one makes it through the funnel. I don't care to look for men, but my feelings will present me with the answer.

Now, the man who makes it through the funnel, won't necessarily be the hottest or the most successful or the most confident, etc. He may not be the most (fill in the blank). 

But he will the right one. And at that point, being around him will be like a drug independent of any trait he does/doesn't possess. And there is usually an uncanny level of mirroring happening, in way of both positives and negatives.

You will be the right one for someone. You just have to interact with women.

Also, you have to take a leap of faith and try. Those that try will eventually get success. For men, cold approach will be best to get some success. But women prefer warm approach. So, if you want success go for the former. If you want a more fulfilled partner, go for the latter.

It's also important to understand that you're projecting male attraction dynamics onto female attraction dynamics, which makes it feel impossible. You're combining the strategic, objective quality aspect of male attraction to the specificity of female attraction. Male attraction is easy and objective. Female attraction is hard and subjective. So, you're thinking female attraction is both hard and objective, which makes it feel cold when it's anything but.

And this conflation of dynamics is why it feels so hard.

But you don't have to be Superman to be the apple of someone's eye. You just have to have the right stuff for her. Women are always looking for their mirror. You will be that for someone. You just have to have realistic expectations, have some social awareness, and swing the bat. You will be successful if you do those three things.

 

 

 

[Ibn Sina]

Women are attracted  to looks. For a long time I believed the 'men are attracted to looks, women are not' crap.

Women and Men have the same physiology of arousal ( I am a medical student and I read this in Guyton and Hall , physiology of reproduction)

Women have as much desire to make Boyfriends as Men have to make Girlfriends. And I am not talking 'plantonically' or that kind of shit but 'sexually'. It is a medical fact that women have sexual desire. If a women have less libido then that means there are problems with her. Just look at the puberty chapter in pediatrics, read some gynecology.

The force of evolution acts  on both men and women.

And this is the truth ! Ta da! The truth which is largely hidden in the net ,replaced by too much misleading ideas, but you will have to find out for yourself. Either talk to women or look at the science.

The shit circulating in net has been largely misleading to young men who haven't yet had experience with women

The reason it looks like women aren't attracted sexually to men, is -  They get enough male attention so they try to avoid showing interest to not get unwanted attention. But somehow if a women likes you, then you will know the truth.

 

 

 

Edited September 22, 2019 by Ibn Sina

[Forestluv]

16 minutes ago, Mikael89 said:

Sex isn't primary for me when I say "getting a woman" or "having a girlfriend" or "being in a romantic relationship", no matter what you think.

I didn’t say it was. I said “when a man says”, not “when Mikael89 says”.

Even if sex isn’t the primary motivation for you, you are missing several aspects - as many women are trying to explain to you. Notice how women aren’t saying “Yes, yes! Mikael89 you’ve got it. You understand us.” Rather, they are saying “No, no Mikael89, you are not understanding. I’ll try to explain again”. To me, this indicates that you are missing something and misunderstanding something.

[LoveandPurpose]

Thank you very much @mandyjw!

If you integrate that which your partner has, hence what makes you attracted to them, does the attraction go away? 

(context: A woman who wants a knight in shining armor to whisk her away wants that because she doesn't want to have to do the work herself or accept that she has the power to do it.)

[Harikrishnan]

1 minute ago, Mikael89 said:

Whatever.

You should concentrate only in self actualization, Meditation sub forums ?