Resuming my journaling

[Hardkill]

First week of resuming journaling

 

Hey guys, it's been a long time since I've journaled on the forum. I should've continued journaling, but I guess I got too lazy and yet so preoccupied with other things going on in my life. So today, I am going to start off journaling from what happened last Monday.

Monday - I had an unproductive day and was very depressed because of what happened last week with my placement internship, which got abruptly cancelled. I started looking into jobs. It was a great shock to me as it ruined my self-esteem and confidence about my future career. Talked to my parents on the phone about what to do for my future. I did some stretching and then trained my girlfriend a bit at the gym. We made some dinner together and watched tv until we went to bed.

Tuesday - I slept in and had another unproductive day as I was still distraught about what happened last week. However, I continued looking for jobs and worked out at the gym. Talked to my parents again on the phone about what to do for my future I couldn't sleep well at all during the night. My girlfriend consoled me including having read me some pages of quotations and passages on life wisdom from the book called Light from many Lamps and which gave me some feeling comfort or relief. We made some dinner together and watched tv until we went to bed.

Wednesday - I had another unproductive day as I was still upset about what happened last week. Talked to my parents on the phone about what to do for my future I still looked up and applied to jobs and worked out at the gym again. I couldn't sleep well again. We made some dinner together and watched tv until we went to bed.

Thursday - I slept in late again. had a slightly more of a productive day with my work. Still feeling very down about last week. I missed my appointment with my placement academic review counselor because I had trouble connecting with her on Zoom for our online meeting. I was freaking out because I had been waiting to speak to her to get my issue straighten out as soon as possible. However, I was able to reach the counselor by email and she wrote on there her cell number which I called. Even though she only had time to talk to me for about 15 minutes on the phone, I felt more calm having at least been able to get somewhat of a start with her. I also have been feeling bad about not managing my time well and annoying other people for being inconvenient. Went running and did a full body calisthenics routine. We made some dinner together and watched tv until we went to bed. Couldn't sleep well again.

Friday - I had a little more of productive day, but it was still not productive enough. Early in the morning, the toilet overflowed from being clogged and so I had to help her clean up the floor including doing some laundry. I did some more job applications. I decided to do my stretching before Holly came back home so that she wouldn't complain about having not used the time to exercise while she was at work. I felt a little better about having worked out earlier. After she came back home, I then helped her clean the bathroom with a mop for the floor and wipes for the toilet which really sucked. I began to feel like this month of the year keeps getting worse for me. My girlfriend and I then went with her best friend and niece to a town fair and afterwards ate at a restaurant. I got some milk tea. Going out with them, helped with my mood to some extent. We made some dinner together and watched tv until we went to bed.

Saturday - I slept in late with my girlfriend until I had to get ready to go to the Hapkido studio in the morning, which became the first time in a long time since I was last there. Teaching the beginner class was not bad, but I felt a little shaky due to not having taught it in a while. When I took my black belt class, it turned out harder than I though it would be, even though it had been a few months since I came back to the studio. The sides of my hips hurt afterwards. However, I didn't feel so fatigued from the class like a lot of times do during and after each class. Maybe, it's because I didn't push myself completely hard like I usually did before I was absent from the Hapkido studio. Not entirely sure. After coming back from the studio, I showered and then we decided to go shopping at Party City, Ross, and Target to get Halloween items, more house supplies, and food. My girlfriend recognized how down I felt about myself during the store. I did appreciate her trying to cheer me up. We made some dinner together and watched tv until we went to bed.

Sunday - I slept in late with my girlfriend again, she talked with me about issues. Her best friend came over and then they left to go shopping for a while. While they went shopping I ate my lunch and wasted a lot of time not doing much. Afterwards, I went to the gym to workout. During the middle of my weigh training workout I was breathing so heavily and I then became so nauseous that I ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I had my girlfriend pick me up immediately. After I got home I showered and stayed home while she went out to her brother's girlfriend's daughter birthday party at the Cheesecake Factory. After she came back I did some stretching as we watched tv together until we went to bed. Overall, I felt like I had another bad day this month, even though I was glad to both see that my OH Press strength was coming back up and that the new liquid chalk I used for the deadlift earlier today worked well.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 18, 2019 by Hardkill

[Hardkill]

Second of week resuming journaling

 

Monday - I got up before 7:30 am to go workout at the gym. I started working out at 8:50 am and finished at around 10:45 am. I felt good about 

[Hardkill]

Second of week resuming journaling

 

Monday - I got up before 7:30 am to go workout at the gym. I started working out at 8:50 am and finished at around 10:45 am. I felt good about getting it done early in the day. After I got home, I showered, ate, and then got ready for my online meeting with my Placement Academic Review counselor. The meeting was to some extent disappointing due to how it was conducted. She seemed quite rigid with the way that she asked the questions and how I had to answer them. I didn't get the chance to tell how I thought or felt about my time as a student teacher. After the meeting, I talked with my parents for about an hour about the meeting. Then, I took a long break and stressed out about how I am gonna make it anywhere in life. Then, I meditated until my girlfriend got home. Afterwards, I helped her rake the leaves on her back patio. Later on, when I told my girlfriend that I decided to agree with my parents's advice on going back up on the dosage for an anti-depressant the pill that I've been taking, she got very upset with me for the rest of the night, even as we watched the season premiere of Dancing with the Stars. Overall, I felt very stressed out about my life.

Tuesday - I woke up feeling a little sick with a stuffy nose so I slept in somewhat late. I then had a talk with my parents over the phone discussing my future. I finished my job application for a seasonal position of being a Sales Associate at Party City for Halloween. I didn't really do much work or studying. I did some laundry including cleaning my clothes and our bed sheets. I have been continuing to take the increased dosage of the anti-depressant, but so far no change in mood yet. I brought in mailed packages for my girlfriend. I helped my girlfriend make dinner and we watched some TV.  I felt so lost and hopeless about my life. I also felt very ashamed of how much I've accomplished.

Wednesday - I went to the gym early in the morning again. However, I stayed there for at least 4 hours. I felt bad for staying that long. After getting back home, I showered, ate, and then talked with my parents on the phone for a while. Over the phone, I found out that my sister was being sent to the hospital to get induced by the medical staff for the delivery of her newborn baby. One of the things we talked about on the phone was whether or not I should come back home this weekend and if my girlfriend would be willing to drive me to my parents' home. My girlfriend said that she like she would too tired to drive with me to their place. So, I discussed with my parents about train transportation options; however, after we tried to figure out the best schedule for me to ride home on the train, we decided that it was too much trouble to figure it out and that I should just stay with my girlfriend over the weekend. I took a long break including doing some PNF stretching for my hamstrings. Holly and her friends/coworkers invited me to have dinner with them at an Asian tea restaurant right after they finished working at their job. She told me over the phone to not be late with getting ready to pick me up and go with her. However, I ended up being ready a few minutes late, and she got pissed about that. She said that she couldn't take it anymore and that maybe I should go back to my parents' place tomorrow. On our way to the dinner meetup I felt very bad about being late and the number of times I messed up with my timing. When we arrived at the restaurant, we got there only a couple minutes later than her friends/coworkers did. So, I didn't have to feel bad about making them wait for a bit. During the meetup, we enjoyed ourselves and I think that my girlfriend cooled down over me being late with getting ready for them. After we got home, we watched one of our favorite shows, Supernatural, on Netflix until we got ready for bed. I felt relieved that she was no longer upset with me, but I still felt really down and stressed about my life overall up through the middle of the night. 

Thursday - I woke a little late, but not as late as I did on Tuesday. My parents called me and told me that after deliberating more on what I should do, they felt that it would be best if I took a year off from school and get ready for the placement next time by having a job for a year to get enough work experience and skills for myself. I freaked out about that because I didn't want to have to take off another year from school. I didn't do much during the morning, but around Noon and up through the afternoon, I spent a lot of time vacuuming much of her bedroom floor, ceiling, and walls. It was a pain to move her clothes and shoes out of the way for vacuuming and then having to put all of it back to where they were before (as best as I could remember). However, I was proud of myself for having accomplished that both for overall neatness and our health. My girlfriend seemed a bit surprised, but appreciative of me having done it for her. Later on, when she came back home, I helped get rid of some old shoes she no longer liked or needed. Then, I did my long distance running training. After my run, I showered and got ready to go grocery shopping with my girlfriend. As we went shopping, I got a phone call from my mom and she was telling how very stressed she is about my sister's delivery of her newborn child within the hospital and about me possibility doing something regrettable for my school/career like trying to approach the teacher, staff, and school where my placement was cancelled at, even though I was told not to contact the school at all. However, I reassured her that I promise I wouldn't do anything stupid or crazy and she calmed down. I told my girlfriend about that and she felt that my mom was overreacting as usual. After we got the food, we made dinner and watched more Supernatural on Netflix. During the rest of the night, I felt somewhat nervous about my sister and her baby. I took a Benadryl to help me sleep at night, which I think helped to some extent. Overall, I felt I had a more productive day than my previous days.

Friday - I woke up a bit late again. I talked to my parents on the phone again about what to do with my life. I did calisthenics training outside on my girlfriend's property. I am getting used to doing them on the pavement. I then did my PNF stretching for the front splits. I felt bad about not doing them earlier yesterday, but I was glad that I at least got one of those PNF stretching sessions for the week in. Then, I ate my breakfast and lunch late. Afterwards, I had another long talk with my parents on the phone about my career and they said that they still prefer me to find a part-time for a year. I told that I haven't gotten any acceptances for the bunch of jobs I applied to and that I am really worried about finding any kind of job at all. They told me that I have to keep applying for more jobs, including maybe ones that might fit someone like me with my qualifications. They also said that they sincerely doubt that I wouldn't find some kind of decent job given how good the job market in this country is out there. However, I still believe in the possibility of never finding any kind of fair job, or perhaps any of any kind. One reason, I feel this way due to having already been rejected from a few basic part-time positions at a hotel I applied to and still haven't received any good news from any of the businesses I applied to for jobs they seem to have available. Another reason, is that I've already heard stories of people who like me are young and able and willing to work seriously at any job, but have applied to hundreds of jobs for at least a year and still couldn't even get one job, despite being in a period of a good job economy for their county, and even with the improvements they consistently made to their resume overtime and being in a good job economy. The only thing good that really happened today was when I was told the news of my sister having finally given birth successfully to her newborn daughter. I was relieved and happy for my sister of course. Later at night, we had dinner and watched a dumb comedy movie. Overall today, I felt doomed and so incredibly frustrated with my life. 

 

Saturday - I woke up at little after 9 am today, ate breakfast, washed my face, and got ready to go to Hapkido in the morning. I went there until the afternoon. My groove with teaching the beginners class seemed to be coming back. Right before class when I had to cut my nails, I accidentally broke the nail clipper I took with me to the studio, which made me frustrated. I didn't get to cut all of my finger nails before the clipper broke and it was about that time I had to teach the beginners class, so I got worried about what people were going to think about my nails when I teach class and afterwards. Yet, I figured I had no choice and it wasn't really that big of a deal. I got through the class fine and then finished clipping the rest of my fingernails as best as I could with the broken clipper, which I successfully did with some brute force. As for the blackbelt class, it was actually relatively easy, which was nice. Before I left the studio, I told some of the people I knew well including Master Kim about my newborn niece, which they congratulated me for. That felt nice. When I got home, I worked for a few hours on catching up on all of these personal journal entries for this week and did a little work on my experimentation plan for my PAR process. I felt stressed about how much work I had to catch up on and I had trouble concentrating on doing the tasks. Afterwards, I had to help my girlfriend clean the kitchen. During that time, I felt very depressed and angry with my life. I even had some suicidal thoughts. These negative thoughts and feelings lingered for hours longer into the evening as we went to the Good Will store and then to the Whole Foods grocery store. When we got home and had dinner we watch some old Eddie Murphy comedy, which was not really great, imo. So, we turned it off and played with each other for a bit before she decided to go have her shower. As she start getting her shower ready, I called my mom and we spoke on FaceTime showing me an update on her garage issue and discussing with me about what more that needs to be done with it. I showed her a small part of my gf's apartment and her cat and my mom got curious about all of it. My girlfriend came out of the bathroom and asked me what I was doing, so we ended the phone conversation with my mom saying hi and goodnight to her and then my mom and I saying good night to each other. My girlfriend didn't like that I showed my mom any of her place. She then walked off to check her phone and decided to call her best friend up to see how things were going with her. Meanwhile, I decided to finish the rest of my daily journal entries. I believe that I am now all caught up with all of my daily journal entries, which is a significant relief for me. 

Sunday - I woke up late with my girlfriend and we had some physical intimacy. Then, we got up and I had breakfast, washed my face, and got ready to help her clean up the kitchen. When we were cleaning the kitchen, I felt so down and angry about my life. I thought about not being able to take anymore pain of rejection and loss of anything else in life. I contemplated suicide again. After we got done cleaning up the kitchen, we took a bit of a break and then she decided to go shopping with her best friend while I decided to stay home and work on my PAR process plan and ways to improve my student teaching experience. After searching through much of the internet, I couldn't really find any solutions or ideas that seemed helpful for my particular situation. I also looked up the student teaching placement handbook sent by one of my academic advisors, and I felt disheartened when I noticed that one part of it mentioned that being dismissed from a placement again could result in dismissal from the entire teaching program. Consequently, I got even more stressed out about it. I felt more anxious about my capabilities and scared about how ruthless life can be. After she got back home and finished my lunch meal, we continued cleaning up the place including me cleaning the bathroom sink, mirror, and toiletry placed on the sink. After, I finished all of that, I sat on the couch looking very sad which my girlfriend noticed. She asked me how I can be happier to which I said "finding a way to ensure a career for my future." We talked about it until I went to the gym.

Edited September 23, 2019 by Hardkill

[Hardkill]

Week 3

Monday - I woke up ate and washed my face and tried to get ready to go with my girlfriend to the University she works at. However, by the time I finished getting ready, she already left for work. So, I stayed home and decided to workout later. I felt so tired from not getting much sleep last night. Part of why I couldn't sleep well last night was due to feeling so stressed out again about my life. I wanted to cry in bed last night, but I didn't want to disrupt my girlfriend sleeping. I talked with my parents on the phone again about my career. I cried to my dad about feeling like a pathetic loser. He encouraged me by telling me that he done thing some things at least as regrettable as I did. He didn't seem to want to mention what they were specifically, but said that I should just take his word for it. I honestly wasn't sure if I believed him 100%, but I still took his word. I knew I had to finish yesterday's workout which includes doing that brutal Bulgarian split squat exercise. So, I was not looking forward to the workout today. I meditated before I went to the gym. At the gym, after doing 3 sets of the Bulgarian split squats, I felt somewhat nauseous; however, I wasn't as nauseous as I was when I did them on the Sunday the week before. Yet, because I felt so fatigued and burned in my body especially in my legs, hips, and arms and felt some degree of nausea, I felt the need to take a break for at least 10 min. from exercising. After about 15 min. I felt better enough to continue exercising again and finished as much as I could until it was time for me to train my girlfriend. I trained her on some exercises which was kind of fun and I was glad that I got the chance to do that for her. After coming back home and showered, I relaxed with my girlfriend for a bit and we joked around a bit which gave me some feeling of relief. My girlfriend made dinner and had to get the TV fixed after it froze up. When she got it working again, we had the tv on and watched another episode of Dancing with the Stars, followed by watching another episode of one of the 90 day Fiance shows. I felt more relieved as I had some fun watching TV with her. Afterwards, we cleaned up the room a bit and chatted for a bit before she showered and got ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom washing herself up and doing her teeth, I was eating as much as I could before she got out of the bathroom. As soon as she got out of the bathroom I finished eating for the rest of the night and then got myself int eh bathroom to get ready for bed. Finally, in the bed, I had trouble sleeping again for a while. I got to figure out how to sleep better. 

Tuesday - I woke up early, but then feel asleep again and ended up waking up a bit late. I felt ashamed of doing it again this morning. I spoke with my parents on the phone again. After eating my breakfast, I was doing my journal entry for yesterday. Then, I spoke with my dad on the phone for a while again about my career and ideas for improving my ADD issues. When he asked me to what happened when I was given a set of directions to follow from the teacher to meet at a certain part of the playground during the first few days of being under her wing, I got frustrated when I tried to recall as best as I could what exactly I was. We came up with some ideas for listening and remembering better. I've been starting to feel more of a wake up call to putting into serious effort into my work. I then wasted time looking up sexual stuff as I still have an addiction porn and I was all alone at home. I felt really bad again for wasting all that time. It's been so hard to control these sexual urges I have. I talked with my mom again about coming down to visit the baby. Then, I did a PNF stretching routine for the front splits. I was relieved to get that routine given how painful it is. Afterwards, I looked up articles on weightlifting strength standards to check to see which standards are most accurate since I already have been getting contradicting info. on this matter. I eventually found enough clarity on this after reading this one article from Stronger by Science, that I already read before related to this topic. I was really glad to see it explain with strong enough logic how the couple of other sources that I already looked up pertaining to this matter, are actually too subjective in their comparisons largely due to not involving any actual data from any legit competition stats. Those subjective sources gave me a significantly lower rating on my strength levels for all of the biggest lifts compared to one other article mentioned in the Stronger by Science article, that was based on national and world records. I even afterwards read another article that I already read before that was written from another highly experienced powerlifter and bodybuilder who previously competed for a very long time. He mentioned pretty much the same thing as what was said within the one article stated in the Stronger by Science with the actual lifting data. So, I was happy to see that my lifting stats as a natural lifter are way above, including my all-time deadlift record (during training only though) as being really near exceptional. I then took the initiative with helping my girlfriend clean up the kitchen without even telling her. Afterwards, we went to the store to get groceries. During our shopping she seemed slightly upset with me and when I asked why she said that it was because I was being mean to her by forgetting to lock the door last night after I last went outside near bedtime. Then, as we ate dinner, we watched some TV including another episode of one of the 90 day Fiance shows and another episode of Supernatural. That helped give me some distraction away from the pain of feeling worthless and sad. 

Edited September 26, 2019 by Hardkill

[Hardkill]

Wednesday -  I woke up late again, had breakfast. I felt bad again. I talked again with my parents on the phone about the same issues. I felt really worse today about my life. I didn't get much done today. My self-esteem feels broken and I am becoming increasingly anxious about my future career life. I went to gym to do my squats and bench press. I was disappointed with my performance on both of the exercises. I felt weak on both of them today and I couldn't even get more than 5 reps with 260 lbs. on the squat with even my best form and I couldn't get more than 5 paused reps on the bench press with 185 lbs. with good form. I spent about an hour on just both of those exercises, which is sadly the usual time it takes me to, and I am getting tired of it taking that long. After finishing the bench press, I got a text from Holly asking when I am coming back and so I told her that I would be back in about 20 min., but she said that she wanted me back in 10 min. So, I only had time to do just the glute-ham raise machine before I had to ran back home. I ran back home before 8pm, which was the time that I agreed with her to be the latest that I would be ever be back from any gym workout. However, she got annoyed with me over not having finished my workout earlier. I told her that I promised to finish my workout earlier tomorrow. Afterwards, we had dinner and watched TV. Eventually, when it was time to get ready for bed, she reminded me about cleaning one of the drainers that she wanted me to do a few days ago, which irritated her. I promised her that I would get it done tomorrow. I planned in my head that I would get up early tomorrow to workout early in the morning to get it done as early as possible. After getting ready for bed, I tried sleeping as best as I could. 

Thursday - I got up early in the morning, which I was proud of. I got up early enough to go to with her to go ride with her to the gym and to her workplace which are on the same university we were going to. I first took my time eating my muffin and drinking my Starbucks Frappuccino drink. Then, I worked out finishing yesterday's workout and then did isometric stretching for loaded middle splits. I then went to my first Toastmasters meeting that I've been to since about a few years ago. Afterwards, I went back to gym to do isometric stretching for the hamstrings. I felt good about getting my whole training done for the entire day. However, I wished that I was able to finish working out faster. The next thing I did was walk to Subway to buy myself a sandwich there as my mom said over the phone that I could. I went afterwards to check out the Spirit Halloween store for job opportunity. I went inside to ask about it and they said that I would have to apply online. On the way back home and ate my sandwich. At home, I did some laundry followed by showering. I then ate cereal while watching some Youtube vids to distract myself from my misery. After eating my cereal, I cleaned the drainer as promised. When I got that done I ate a PB & J sandwich and other foods as I watched more Youtube vids. Afterwards, I did my teeth and got ready for my girlfriend to come back home and take me to the medical clinic to get my flu shot. Getting the shot was quick and easy and afterwards we went shopping for more foods and for her to check out more clothes. We got enough food and went home to make dinner and watched TV. She seemed more pleased with me today than yesterday which gave me some relief regarding our relationship. I packed up a little bit to get ready to leave Pasadena tomorrow to visit and stay at my parents' place in Irvine. In some ways, I am looking forward to seeing and staying with my parents, but I also am not looking forward to traveling down to their place, especially given how down I still am overall.

 

Friday - I got up early and got ready to go to the train ride home. I left my girlfriend's place later than the time my mom wanted me to leave; however, I was able to rush to the train station fast enough with enough time to go on the Metrolink and then make it to next train I have to get on, which was the Amtrak. There were no problems with either one of those train rides on the way to Irvine. My brother-in-law picked me up on time, which I appreciate it. I had a nice time chatting with him as we went on our way to his place to visit my sister and her newborn daughter. I really enjoyed meeting and holding my newborn niece who looked so precious as a tiny and sweet thing. Other than that, I didn't feel like staying over and talking to my sister and brother-in-law because I wanted to go to my parents' place and be comforted by my parents. So, I stayed quiet most of the time I was at my sister's place. After Ben took me home, I feel happy to see my parents and my dog again. I sat home and relaxed until I did a little running. I really didn't want to run because I felt so depressed and I felt like I couldn't bear the pain of both running and this feeling of depression and hopelessness I felt. So, I stopped for a while and listened to some self-help gurus on Youtube on my phone for advice on dealing with the pain of depression and hopelessness. I felt that the advice I got didn't really help much and that I needed more help on how to let go of the pain. My mom called me and told me to come back home and do a trail run near their place, which I did. However, I wasted about 20 watching youtube vids before I felt ready enough to go on the trail run. After doing the trail run, I came back home and felt a little bit better and took a shower. I relaxed by myself mostly for the rest of the night and talked to Holly on the phone before. I stayed up late before I went to bed.

 

 

Edited October 1, 2019 by Hardkill

[Hardkill]

Saturday - I was pressured to wake up early to go to the HIIT class which I was not looking forward to. I did the class without pushing myself to complete exhaustion. It was definitely a relief when the class finally ended and it was somewhat nice to meet and talk to some new friendly people in the class. I did some stretching afterwards for the front splits. Then, I went back home, showered, and ate. I felt crummy afterwards for the rest of the day. I talked with my parents again about my situation with the school and I felt good to talk to them about it and have them encourage me about it. I had plans to do more stretching; however, I couldn't muster up enough willpower to do them given how down I felt. I talked to my girlfriend on the phone. We didn't talk as much as we usually do. I guess it was largely because I was too down and preoccupied to talk to her much and I didn't want to bring her down by talking about it. Despite the encouragement I got from my parents I still felt depressed by the end of the day.

Sunday - I got a little late in the morning and even though my parents needed help with the packages that were brought to our front door, I begrudgingly did it because I felt tired and depressed. Ben and Eli came to visit us in the morning, and Ben invited me to go with them to a mall outlet near our place. So, I decided to go with them after I ate my breakfast and did my teeth. At first, when we went to the mall outlet it was fun at first, but then I felt down again and just wanted to go back home as soon as possible. My mom wanted me to help her with some more things and to study, but I told her that I feel too depressed to do anything and that I need more professional help. She told me to stop complaining and feeling sorry for myself. I argue with her about it and I felt increasingly frustrated and upset with both her and myself. I felt for a moment that coming back to my parents' place to stay with them was a mistake. After cooling down a bit, I studied a bit on the cards for the RICA test, worked on catching up on my journal entries, and went to the gym. I went to the gym for longer than I should have been as usual. I hated doing those Bulgarian Split Squats with the dumbbells. Though, I though it was good to change it up a bit by doing them with heavy dumbbells this time. My mom got upset at me for coming back home later than I should have. I showered late and called my girlfriend too late. When she didn't answer my phone call, I texted her to call me back, but when I got her text at around 11 pm she said that she was going to bed immediately. So, I wished her good night and that I will talk to her tomorrow. I feel even shittier now than I did earlier today. I am hating my life even more now.

Edited October 2, 2019 by Hardkill

[Hardkill]

*I am no longer going to be writing my journal entries on here because after doing some thinking I no longer want to risk jeopardizing my private life. So, I have decided to continue writing in my journal on my own Pages word processor on my own computer.