I consider myself being twin of Leo... I have experienced all of the stuff he talks in his videos + have very similar personality.

My background:

30 y/old male, Europe

Many years of HARDCORE spiritual path.

- Clean eating, mostly RAW (no wheat, no dairy, a little meat)
- Being aware ALL DAY LONG - 16 hours a day
- Contemplation and Self Inquiry 3 hours a day
- Meditating in PITCH BLACK room 3 hours a day before midnight (strong determination sitting)
- Concentration exercises
- ejaculating max once per 2 weeks
- Psychedelics (often):

15x 5-MeO-DMT HCL trips
30x 5-Meo-DMT Freebase trips
20x 4-Aco-DMT Fumarate trips
35x DMT Freebase trips
8x DPT trips
60x Weed trips
5x LSD trips
10x 2c-b trips
+ some near death experiences

And some others. Many of my trips happened in pitch black darkness. Always WITHOUT trip sitter.

I have had many "TOTAL" awakenings + experienced many paranormal, mystical phenomena and Kundalini awakening. Third eye opening etc...

I have experienced many logically impossible experiences. Sober or under psychedelics.

I consider myself Awakened consciousness, yet there are infinite degrees of awakening more left. DO YOU GET IT? After MANY infinite trips you will get it.

YES, there are degrees to awakening.

I have experienced MANY lifetimes. In fact, I have experienced ALL possible lifetimes that have existed, exist now or will exist when having many of my mystical experiences.

I have had trips, where I experienced ALL POSSIBLE LIFETIMES OF ALL POSSIBLE CREATURES in 6 hours. Entire lifetimes... YES! All possible creatures. 5-legged ones, or just beings made of energy only, or creature with not 5 or 6 senses but 300 senses etc... Sounds impossible? Well... If you do HARDCORE practices, you can experience many hardcore stuff.

This story about Big Bang and Planet Earth IS JUST ONE OF INFINITE MORE STORIES in infinite more dimensions.

I attained THOUSANDS of "spiritual" insights. Most of them are impossible to put into words and sentences.

"You are God" is just one of INFINITE MORE SPIRITUAL INSIGHTS. I can't describe this statement more, because of the limit of language.

There is INFINITE deepness. In other dimensions I took psychedelics 10000s times potent than DPT.

There are infinite more colors than you can see now in this current dimension.

Be very open-minded reading next lines please.

After many years of being "spiritual"... After my last awakening, I realised that this whole spiritual path is just ONE story of infinite other meaningless stories.

Chasing this whole "who am I?" thing is just of many possible stories and is AS MEANINGLESS AS ANY OTHER STORY.

I awakened to total meaninglessness. TOTAL.

THERE IS NO OTHER PLACE TO BE. I can't escape THIS being.
There is only being.

I experienced that no matter what I do, even if I kill myself, I will be reborn infinite times more.

In fact I have literally physically experienced dying and killing myself in other dimensions just to realise that I can't escape this BEING thing.

After you die, you can choose to "enjoy" formlessness for infinity. BUT that infinity is so infinite, that is finite. Basically, that INFINITY will feel like blink of the eye, and you will get "bored" and will reborn "instantly", after you get bored being formless. READ THAT AGAIN.

In other words: HUMAN DIES, BABY IS BORN. INSTANTLY.

You can't escape... There is only Existence.

No form of suicide is enough. Thanks to this insight, this exact life that I live now, is exactly good as any other life. No life is better than other life.

Thanks to many mystical experiences I realised that businessman has his sufferings and joys, is the same as homeless man has his pains and joys. No difference.

And here comes my question.... Question that no one of you can answer... Because I have used infinite times more potent stuff than your tiny limited human mind, YET I am still searching for answer.

WHAT TO DO NOW?

The thing is, I feel like there is no higher "level" to reach.

I have experienced mahasamadhi in other lifetimes, I have reached TOP OF THE TOP levels of Existence... I have experienced toppest of the tops, I always ended up in some limited dimension. And Now I want to suffer again.

That is the reason I have chosen not to have mahasamadhi in this life (I had many opportunities to have mahasamadhi in this life)

You were God infinite lifetimes before, and now you forgot you wanted to experience being limited again. You forgot you have put yourself here just to limit yourself again. JUST CAUSE. Because you can.

I WANT TO BE HUMAN AGAIN AND TO HAVE ROLLERCOASTER LIFE OF EMOTIONS AND ILLUSIONS.

I want to forget I am God... But I know too much. Too much....

I am serious.

After TOTAL ENLIGHTENMENT, after THE HIGHEST HIGH, there is only a way down.

I just want to warn EVERYBODY:

THERE ARE INSIGHTS that will destroy your life, your motivations, your everything.

There are insights so shocking that will paralyze you.

You will lose interest for friends, movies, music, just about everything. It feels like know everything, have been everything, been everywhere, have done everything...

In every dimension I have lived, there is always this "OMG now I know too much, and there's no way back" level. After that insight, life in that dimension becomes very "meaningless"...

In every dimension there are illusions similar to "Maya", just to protect you. To protect you from "knowing too much" so you can continue enjoying the show.

It feels like the "secret" of Maya have its purpose here in this dimension.

Knowing too much (being awakened) in whatever dimension leads to being unfulfilled. It's like cheating...

Do you enjoy playing a game with "GODMODE: ON" cheat?

If I could choose again, I would not choose to awaken.

This world is made to be for unconscious beings.

Now I have a 2 choices.

Just watching everything, just observing this miraculous colorful explosion.

or

Put myself again into Matrix and forget who am I.

And I think I want to forget. But how?

How could I? How could I deceive myself again?

Basically, I want to warn you...

KNOWING "TOO MUCH" and being robbed of "mandatory" illusions will leave you unsatisfied...

TOTAL ENLIGHTENMENT leads later to total unconsciousness. It's a strange loop.

Even being infinite love will soon or later lead to infinite suffering. You are THE CHANGE. You want CHANGE. Don't ask me why...

YES, I am saying very radical stuff. I have experienced many lives in other dimensions being only "LOVE". But after some time, even LOVE will seem boring.

You will not enjoy your "total awakening" to the infinity... At one point, you basically get bored and want to enjoy being unconscious jerk again...

Soon or later, you may be interested in being Zen Devil just for the sake of doing it. That's why you see many spiritual gurus having affairs and being zen devils.
There is something deep you can get from this post, but I don't know how to communicate it better, because I am not native english speaker.

Have a nice day.