3.7g Magic Mushroom Trip Report - Fear, Death & Brutality | #13

[cle103]

Good lord fucking gracious. I am wholeheartedly grateful I made it out of this one alive. 

After my last trip two weeks ago (where I boiled the mushrooms to hard and didn't have a full on trip) I decided to go in again.

 

As I took the first sip of my tea I knew that this one was going to go off. And it did. Oh my… 

I laid down and my heart immediately began to race. Pounding. I experienced this before in meditation. Relaxation was possible. The heart slowed down. Only to give way to purest most terrifying fear I have ever experienced.

From the bottom of my heart, I did not know if I would still come back to write this report. I unlocked the door…  considering to call an emergency (I would call myself a more experienced psychonaut but I have never experienced anything close to this). 

It was pure naked fear of death. It wasn’t even about me. It was about the people I love. I did not want them to suffer as I was gone. I opened my eyes. I changed positions. Trying to anchor myself in Love. But it was a full on panic attack. My visual field… my whole body was pure naked fear. 

Then, after 20 minutes I was somehow able to accept my heart pounding like crazy and in that instance I broke through to God.

My previous breakthroughs where much more gentle... this one was brute force. I guess you get what you ask for as my intentions were: 

 

1. What is fear and how can I overcome it? 2. Who am I… for real? 

Well at this point I had experienced enough fear for multiple lifetimes. God’s teachings are a full contact sport lol. 

Once I broke through both intentions where realized at once:

I am that I am. I am all of it at once. I am this. I am that. I am nothing. I am God. I am. Love. 

"I" cannot be described. All descriptions are not it. They just slip right off when you try to paste them on. However there is one current… one force which is all of this. And this force is Love.

In previous trips this Isness was experienced as consciousness but what came through this time was absolute fucking Love. 

 

God is Love. God is pure Brutality.

Reality is so utterly brutal. And God… is holding all of it at once and is loving it. The torture, the rape, the insurmountable suffering. It is exploring and experiencing all of it at once. And that I am.

It turns out fear is the final obstacle to Awakening. I got this image of a demon screaming in my face. And as I realized that which truly is... the demon bursted into butterflies. All along fear was an illusion. It holds this duality in place so that God can experience itself. Yet you (the one who forget she is God) can still overcome it and realize God. 

What an ingenious design. 

The peak was proceeded by laughter and profanity. 

Then there were periods of crying and thankfulness. 

Never have I ever been so grateful to be alive. I tried to stand up after two hours but my legs gave in and I just cried and cried. 

 

Then there were more realizations: 

1. The Truth of the hand.

There is no difference between existence and non existence. The two are one. Not only are they not two… the possibility of distinction is also imaginary. In Truth there no thing as distinctiveness.
 

2. Who is controlling animals… humans… me? 

There was a vision where I was able to see that every being has a sort of light in it. It was resembling consciousness. God is living their life… experiencing their reality in this moment. It is dreaming infinite dreams at once. A bug is less conscious than a duck… and ever so on. 

 

3. Love is Brutality. 

God is all of it. All at once. It is exploring every nuck and cranny of Life. Including torture and rape. And on a deeper note: Rape can only happen if both souls agreed on it happening. This is deeper than the body/mind. Both souls yearn to experience it exactly like that. All out of Love. It is all Love. It is the great reason and the essence.

 

4. Self Love. 

I was able... for the first time in my life... to truly accept and love myself. This was healing to say the least. I finally truly owned being me. Charting my own way in life. Being totally cool and loving with myself. 

 

5. The purpose of Art

As an artist I wanted to find out what Art is about: It is about communication. It is not copying reality… it is communion and communication. 

 

--- 

 

Thank you so much for reading. I am so grateful to be alive. These have been the most terrifying and beautiful 4 hours of my life. I thought about the title of this report alot... it could have been "Realization, Love & God" but I think "Fear, Death & Brutality" are just more fitting and still the same. 

Holy fuck. 

Namaste 

[cetus]

16 minutes ago, cle103 said:

God is all of it. All at once. It is exploring every nuck and cranny of Life.

@cle103

[SoonHei]

@cetus56 love it

 

Bless you

[cle103]

@SoonHei Thank you ??

[Shaun]

This justifies rape. 

[cle103]

@Shaun Not at all. You‘re missing the deeper component of the soul.

I am not saying that rape is ok and should be legal. I am saying that all is Love and God experiencing itself in even this way which is perceived „fucked up“ by most humans. 

[Nahm]

@cle103 Awesome! Congrats Big Love! That assertion things is quite the mindjob, eh?

[cle103]

@Nahm Thank you ?? What you mean by assertion things? 

[Nahm]

13 hours ago, cle103 said:

can only happen if both souls agreed on it happening

 

[cle103]

@Nahm Yes, that is what I became aware of. What is your experience on that matter ? 

[Nahm]

@cle103 The conscious /  unconscious aspects. The before & after of it. I have seen some awakenings directly related to the understanding of that, and the release of it. 

[cle103]

@Nahm Interesting. Could you share? The way I understood it was that there is a deeper part to each being - call it soul - that has its own yearning which most beings are not directly aware of. As in God wants to experience itself in every possible way. I am also aware of that one can become conscious of what the soul wants and align oneself with that. However this was only one trip and the topic seems complex. 

Edited September 15, 2019 by cle103
typo

[Leo Gura]

@cle103 Sounds like you got it.

Although I wouldn't call it brutality. There is softness to it as well.

[cle103]

@Leo Gura I had a vision of my mother giving birth to me. She was screaming in pain. It broke my heart however there was so much Love to it that I just had to cry. It was brutal and also utterly gentle and loving. 

In the past I mostly saw the beauty in nature... skipping over the brutal aspects. Really they go hand in hand.

Edited September 15, 2019 by cle103

[Leo Gura]

@cle103 You gave birth to yourself

[cle103]

@Leo Gura Or so I imagined 

[Nahm]

1 hour ago, cle103 said:

@Nahm Interesting. Could you share? The way I understood it was that there is a deeper part to each being - call it soul - that has its own yearning which most beings are not directly aware of. As in God wants to experience itself in every possible way. I am also aware of that one can become conscious of what the soul wants and align oneself with that. However this was only one trip and the topic seems complex. 

Nonduality (not two).  Infinite = unconditional / any ‘yearnings’.

“Not directly aware of” = unconscious of.     Unconscious = reaction, reacting.     Conscious = creation / creating.

White wants white, is white not already white?  Maybe white wants to experience a rainbow, any rainbow, every rainbow, and to create with white. 

Inner being, sensation, is simple. A thought “complex”, implies “complex”. Complexity is found in thought & concept, even thought & concept about sensation. Actual sensation, direct, is singular and simplistic. 

 

 

 

[DrewNows]

Proud “to be”

Be proud, your experience was legendary ?

allow it to be the place life shines forth 

[astrokeen]

@cle103 , could you say whether you had prepared for enlightenment in any way? Had you been following any practices, such as meditation earlier? What was your spiritual history, as such? I ask because it seems that people in a state of readiness, mostly through their own efforts, are the ones who have such a breakthrough.

Edited September 15, 2019 by astrokeen

[remember]

13 hours ago, cle103 said:

@Shaun Not at all. You‘re missing the deeper component of the soul.

I am not saying that rape is ok and should be legal. I am saying that all is Love and God experiencing itself in even this way which is perceived „fucked up“ by most humans. 

the deeper component is to experiencing the justification as a soul instead of an ego. the justification is so perfect that the ego even thinks it could get it`s hands on two of them.

and still the ego gets applause for the breakthrough.

Edited September 15, 2019 by remember