Did anyone actually overcome the manifestations of child abuse?

[leintdav000]

Long story short, I grew up in a really unhealthy house: screaming, fighting, domestic abuse, etc. I didn't grow ever seeing my parents kiss, hug, or show any kind of love. My dad would throw me around, and he's thrown punches at me. Typical domestic abuse stuff, details don't matter here. 

I'm turning 20 now; as I'm becoming more conscious, via meditation, self-inquiry, etc., and learning about psychology on my own, I'm learning I have some serious emotional issues. It's unfortunate, and I don't say this to be cocky, I'm just keeping it real with you guys, but I've grown up to be "intimidatingly handsome"--girls words, not mine. 

I definitely feel completely unlovable, and feel like people hate me and want me to go away: Ironically, this is exactly what my mother would tell me. Ta-da. 

I've grown up to be super confident, I actually do really well at sales. However, amongst my peers and girls my age, I just feel like everyone hates; I feel like I'm completely unworthy, etc. A typical product of domestic abuse stuff. This weird mix of confidence with emotional issues has turned me into an extremely strong independent. 

Honestly, this is just who I am. I think I'm ok with it. I am who I am. I'm very aware of these problems and where there rooted in, but I'm curious if any of this is really fixable. I sort of just feel like if someone actually loved me, just for once, it could make a difference, but being realistic, I just don't see that ever happening... I'm kind of a pos... whether that be my traumatized ego saying that or truth, idk. It doesn't really matter because that's just what it is. I'm twenty years old now... is it even worth my time to go in and try to fix this, or am I better off doubling down on education, passions, and making money--again, I sort of don't mind... It's just who I am and I've accepted it. I sort of just feel like I'm screwed, lol. Let me know about your experience. 

 

[Nahm]

I love you. I really do. No judgments. I see you through the smokescreens, the real you, and I love you.

You are lucky to have the fire within you. I resonate. What a gift. 

Thomas Anderson did not fix a thing. He discovered who he really is. 

Sell your way out of this matrix, out of dependency.

Create actual freedom of life, and you’ll naturally self discover & awaken. 

Meditate, every single morning. Skip a day - and you were duped. 

Get to know the other half of this story - Nothing. 

This Everything is half the picture at best. 

Crush everything. 

Take solace as needed in Nothing. 

That is all, cause I’m starting to get jelly. 

 

[Courtney]

@leintdav000

I also had a very rocky childhood, a true narcissistic mother, emotional neglect, sexual abuse, etc. (Like you said, it's not about the details) and I have struggled through this life for the majority of it as well with feelings of inadequacy and have never been able to love myself. 

Until recently. 

I've been self inquiring for 3ish years now, and have really stuck with it (especially over the last few months) and spend hours a day inquiring.  I'm starting to break free of whatever the hell I was stuck in.  I contribute this mainly to practicing "letting go" (on a daily basis) to the negative thoughts and self talk that seems to follow me around. 

My advice:  

Fuck the past, it wasn't real anyway.  And treat it as though it's a gift to yourself that brought you to this place right now where you are on the path to discovering the Truth!

I tell myself if I didn't go through these last 30 years of "shittiness" I would not have ended up where I am now, which is a journey to find out that I (and you) are God and created this entire universe along with an infinite amount of universes.

See, you win. And so do I. 

I love you unconditionally, and I am only able to say that because I love myself unconditionally.  Give away what you need the most and you'll have it. 

Keep focusing on finding the Truth and you'll be set free. 

(If you want a head start I suggest trying 5MeO DMT at some point... I'm trying to order some at this moment) 

[Nahm]

@Courtney Well hell yeah Courtney! Really great to hear!

[Courtney]

@Nahm thank you so much!

What an adventure this has become!  I never could have imagined the possibility of being able to experience God and the fact that I may be able to do that in this human form is just mind blowing in such an incredible way. 

I KNEW there was a Truth out there and that there was something fishy about this reality..  

What an incredible moment this is! 

Let's continue this journey!

 

 

[cetus]

5 minutes ago, Courtney said:

I KNEW there was a Truth out there and that there was something fishy about this reality..  

@Courtney It's quite ironic how untruths can pave the way toward Truth if your willing to really look.

[ajasatya]

@leintdav000 Do YOU love yourself?

[Nahm]

@Courtney Just. Yes. Wonderful!

[Courtney]

@cetus56 you're absolutely right about that!

[leintdav000]

@ajasatya Well, that's where things get complicated... I really feel like I a major piece of unlovable garbage... but I'm just really, really, ok with that. Life is but a dream, and I don't feel like I need to be anything or anyone special. So yes, I've accepted myself, and love myself... but I'm very aware of how messed up that is, and am at this point, simply indifferent. 

[ajasatya]

@leintdav000 The way you think others see you is a reflex of how you see yourself. If you want to stop being neurotic about what others think of you, treat yourself with more respect. Take good care of how you live your life, how you deal with your emotions, how you treat your body, how you eat etc.

If you do so, your life will go full circle.

[Average Investor]

I had a pretty rough childhood myself. I feel I have elevated myself well above that. Having a variety of abusers I have come to find more strength from them. When I am at my weakest points I think about how they never believed in me and wanted to harm me as fuel to keep going that extra mile.

It's not any easy thing to do. I removed my dad from my life for over 5 years without communication till like 6 months ago and I have not talked with him since. I've got my own life I am working on and he made his own choices. Maybe if these people are still holding you back it could be a good route.

You are worried about a relationship it sounds like too with women. Forget that for a bit because if you are in this sate you will likely attract someone similar to your abuser at least in my experience. 

Therapy can help or a good friend you can break down all of your past traumas. But that is not always a fix all for everyone. I found it helpful to contemplate how undeveloped my abusers were and that they were limited in many areas causing them to be the way they were, also someone had probably done the same to them. 

[Surfingthewave]

@leintdav000 Yes to your question. You are having insights like this at age 20, you have nothing to"fix" as you have recognised this already which is great progress. 

Manifestations of child abuse appear in very different ways. You have been able to become aware of this so trust yourself and you will succeed. 

[Commodent]

Might be relevant.

[zeroISinfinity]

Yup, I did and if I did it you can do it too. 

Meditation is the way. Beleive it or not. Everything Will fall into It's Perfect place. 

All sympathies. You are the greatest. 

 

Edited September 21, 2019 by zeroISinfinity