Reconcilliating the desire for emotional intimacy and desire for sexual promiscuity

[Curious]

Hey all,

I have been struggling with these two, often competing, desires for a long time now (let's start by the noble one):

• Emotional intimacy: wanting to be with a partner with whom to grow, and eventually have kids and helping them grow.
  I think that this is related to my desire to be a "good" father.
• Sexual promiscuity: wanting the freedom to have sex with any attracting person.
  I think that this is related to my personal desire to grow as a man, and so my internal self-worth.

I think these two sides/selfs are "working together" upon the start of a relationship, and whenever good sex happens during a long term relationship.

Can anybody relate to this ?
Would you have any advice on how to help reducing the tension between them ?

 

[Leo Gura]

Yeah, drop your desire for promiscuity.

It's like you're asking us:

How do I reconcile my desire to be healthy and fit with my desire for eating whatever garbage I feel like in any quantity?

When you get serious about being healthy you will surrender your desire for junk food.

[Curious]

@Leo Gura Even as a 25 years old guy who had sex with only two women, both of which have led to a long-term relationship (the second one still on-going) ?
Might I not be repressing a part of me which desires promiscuity, and will this repressed desire not come back to bite me in the ass at some point in life ?

[Curious]

@iGhost Yes I can relate to this immoral solution of yours, been crossing my head but, yes, funny thing is, I wouldn't like my GF to be promiscuous
So that'd be a bit one-sided !

[Moon]

Maybe you need to have your "hoe phase" or just a few experiences to get it out of your system, perhaps to make you even realize fully that all you're getting from being promiscuous is short term gratification which isn't fulfilling you on a deeper level. 

Stop being greedy and wanting both at the same time unless you would actually consider an "open relationship". Maybe if you're lucky your wife will be open to threesomes in the future to "spice things up"  (don't hold onto that idea).

On a side note, I'm just curious as I've come across many men with this similar mindset before, would you really cheat on someone you love and is a perfect partner for you in almost all ways (and no major issues in the relationship) for some animalistic lower pleasure sex and NOT feel too guilty/regretful about it? (genuine question) 

 

 

 

[Leo Gura]

14 hours ago, iGhost said:

@Leo Gura is promiscuity bad? (Ofc not from non dual absolute perspective)

No, but it is a rather shallow strategy for happiness.

Is shooting up heroin bad? Nope. But don't be surprised if you end up unsatisfied with that lifestyle.

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But on a practical level.

On a practical level sleeping with lots of women is just unsustainable for many reasons. In the end you'll find it takes up way too much time and energy which could be put to better use.

Consider, if you were truly happy, you'd have little need to sleep around with many women. Or really, any women at all.

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What's your take on getting into an intimate relationship with a suprisingly conscious, clever 8/10 girl whose personality I like VS staying promiscous?

You'd be a fool not to build a quality relationship with the 8.

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(I wanna fuck as many hot women as possible without attachment, that's my instinct. But that doesn't neccesarily bring me happiness)

Indeed. If you were wise you'd see that happiness is all that matters and therefore fucking as many hot women as possible would cease to interest you. But as of now you're still to unconscious, immature, and needy to realize this.

Your attachment is to your dick. So you're very much attached here.

If you really wanted to be detached you'd give up sex altogether and never think of it again. This would be the wise move. But of course you're too unconscious to pull it off.

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Honestly I feel like I wanna be in a relationship with her while still having fun and fcking other girls on the side. I know it's not moral...

It's not a matter of morality. It's just foolish, immature, and self-defeating.

You are thinking with your dick. Which is not way of the sage.

By all means, think with your dick as much as you want. But don't expect that to go well.

The less you think with your dick, the better your life will go, the happier you'll be.

It's counter-intuitive not to think with your dick.

[Knock]

@Leo Gura Great points Leo, and ultimately true.

I have a question for you Leo - What do you make of yourself going through a pick-up artist phase? Do you regret it? Are you glad you went through it?

[Curious]

I second @Knock, was this pick-up phase necessary to purify this desire ?
Are there (hopefully) other ways to purify this ? Like Chakra work or smthg

[Curious]

@Moon No. Because just even talking about this and thinking about this brings me a lot of guilt.

My main stress is not having grown enough before having kids, and with her being a bit older than me, this time is getting closer and closer, and I am afraid of not having enough time. And I can't let her wait forever.
And I'm afraid this "hoe phase" that I didn't really have might have been necessary for my growth, but I am not sure it is. This is why I am trying to find a way out of this that does not involve breaking the relationship.

I just got the smaller one of the Yoga books from Leo's list, hopefully this will help.