Sexual-emotional Anxiety

[Kimasxi]

Hello, I have some kind of sexual anxiety. I don't know if it has a name.
Whenever I fancy someone I have a big problem because I don't want that person to know. Even if I actually fantasize about him, in social interactions I think I will let him know one day but not now. So when someone tries to escalate touch with me, instead of feeling emotions I shut them down. I think I don't want them to control me, yet I don't actually know what is that I fear. You may make jokes that women are always afraid and don't know what they want, but this is neurotic: I'm 26 and the only people I slept with were unattractive/asexual to me, so that when we did, it it was boring and I felt nothing, as if I was the observer who's  practising detachment from ego Leo talked about some time ago    — I was observing what was going on as if it was a film and wonder why it had so little effect on me. So I don't know if I should keep dating unattractive people (as these are those I am not afraid of) and work on it with them; or force myself to have sex with the attractive ones (as they are attractive, they tend to have many other women at hand so why would they bother to heal me? The risk of hurting me is high). I believe that sex is actually something opposite to all the other things we should do, namely, when we force ourselves to do stuff we are afraid of to overcome it. Why? Because that kills it, it's self-rape in a way. How can you relax when you are actually fighting with yourself as you force yourself to have sex or make out? I would force myself to have sex as a form of training if only I knew it would help me overcome my problem. I never had successful sex in life, and I don't want to be in any relationship unless I know I can have sex, so it frustrates me. 

[JustinS]

@Kimasxi Maybe you fear intimacy because of past experiences? Afraid to fully open up because you might get hurt again? 

[Kimasxi]

No, because I´ve never really had such negative past experiences. 
But if it's caused by bullying and not being liked by people for all the time when I was going to school
then what should I do?

[charlie2dogs]

11 hours ago, Kimasxi said:

Hello, I have some kind of sexual anxiety. I don't know if it has a name.
Whenever I fancy someone I have a big problem because I don't want that person to know. Even if I actually fantasize about him, in social interactions I think I will let him know one day but not now. So when someone tries to escalate touch with me, instead of feeling emotions I shut them down. I think I don't want them to control me, yet I don't actually know what is that I fear. You may make jokes that women are always afraid and don't know what they want, but this is neurotic: I'm 26 and the only people I slept with were unattractive/asexual to me, so that when we did, it it was boring and I felt nothing, as if I was the observer who's  practising detachment from ego Leo talked about some time ago    — I was observing what was going on as if it was a film and wonder why it had so little effect on me. So I don't know if I should keep dating unattractive people (as these are those I am not afraid of) and work on it with them; or force myself to have sex with the attractive ones (as they are attractive, they tend to have many other women at hand so why would they bother to heal me? The risk of hurting me is high). I believe that sex is actually something opposite to all the other things we should do, namely, when we force ourselves to do stuff we are afraid of to overcome it. Why? Because that kills it, it's self-rape in a way. How can you relax when you are actually fighting with yourself as you force yourself to have sex or make out? I would force myself to have sex as a form of training if only I knew it would help me overcome my problem. I never had successful sex in life, and I don't want to be in any relationship unless I know I can have sex, so it frustrates me. 

I think you should begin to examine your own thought process and what it has done and is doing to you.

[Kimasxi]

I´ve been doing it for over a year now. I cannot find the answers. Perhaps I'm doing something wrong?
It seems I´m falling in love with my fantasies of people, not the real people themselves. 
It seems that I care too much what people think of me because I want to be liked. 
I feel performance pressure.
When I dissociate, I feel in control and safe. I may be convinced that feeling equals being manipulated in order for someone to use me and then people would rebuke me for being naive/stupid/etc. When I´m being intimate with someone I don´t fancy, I feel at ease, no anxiety, no pressure, but on the other hand I feel no attraction whatsoever. 
If I am to examine more my thought process I need to get intimate with more people. I hate revealing to them that I may not actually want to sleep with them, or that it's likely to fail if we try. It diminishes my status, my image of a cool person. I am embarrassed of having this problem. 

[Filosofas]

My guess is you've used detachment as an escape from emotional pain in the past and it has become a routine to detach yourself from a stressful situation because you feel so powerless. Next time you're in an intimate situation, communicate more and/or take control; fight you flight instinct. Slowly, you'll build confidence and self-worth.

[beckycox]

I think you have hit the nail right on the head there by realising that it ultimately comes down to caring too much about what other people think- work on this, and your self esteem, and everything else should start to align. Focus on the root cause rather than the 'symptom'. Watch Leo's video on 'How to stop caring what people think', if you haven't already.

 

But I would highly recommend reading 'Come As You Are' by Emily Nagoski. I used to have so many hang-ups around sex but this book completely debunked my beliefs and has left me so empowered. Even if you're not too sure what was the catalyst for the way you feel now about sex, she goes through everything which could have had an effect so you may find a teaching or explain action which really resonates with you. The most important thing she teaches is that, with women, we mainly get turned on by our MINDS, not our bodies; therein lies the key to achieving a happy, healthy attitude to sex. 

 

There are so many little gems of life lessons which you can apply to every day too. Honestly, I can't sing the praises of this book enough, it's incredible.

 

Sex should be fun and enjoyable for everyone involved- never "force" yourself to have sex. If it was me in your shoes, I would deprioritise sex unless i knew I wholly wanted to and knew I was going to (at least work on/ try to) enjoy the experience, every time you do otherwise you are reaffirming your negative beliefs, and you're worth more than that! But that is just my opinion, you have to do what feels right, but most importantly what feels GOOD for you. 

 

[beckycox]

Also, in your first post you said about attractive guys, why would they "bother to heal me" - no one can heal you, that has to come from you completely. You'll get there