Hi, and sharing a bit of my story

[Vicus]

Hi everyone,

I've been reading this forum for quite a while now, and have gotten a lot ouf of it, especially from @Nahm's posts (thanks a lot). I decided that it was time to post because I think that I tend to delude myself into thinking that I woudn't profit from it, and wanted to connect with you all and see how sharing some stuff with you would make me feel.

For the background story : Approx 2 years ago (I'm 24 now), I was diagnosed with psychosis after a period of smoking what was too much weed for me and taking some mdma - I think the substances only helped to make all the repressed emotions of my childhood/adolescence to come up and create a massive mess in my head... Anyway, I did not have major delusions, hallucinations, any of that - just very fast, disorganized and obsessive thinking, along with suicidal feelings. After doing nothing for a few months and getting on and off pills pretty fast, I gradually got the will and the courage to move and to start to build my life and got a job. So, for the last year and a half, I have taken a lot of action towards the things that I want (or at least thought that I wanted). I started to socialize more, did some pickup, started improv, got in toastmasters, tried some kinds of dance, started exercising again, and built a meditation habit of 30 min a day.

All of that was lot of action for me - and I over time realized that I was doing it to get away from the "flawed" me -> I have dealt with social anxiety for my whole life up to this day, although it is lesser now, and have never been in a serious relationship - and although it seems to me now that those things are more symptoms of the emotional baggage I have, I had built a lot of insecurity around these issues over the years (hence my very "social" pursuits).

I started to have glimpses of what letting go feels like, and gradually made an effort to let go of more and more control over my life. I now understand that I don't have to fix myself because I'm flawed, but that I have to get into myself more, while trying to cultivate what I really want and base the action taking on authentic desire. I have felt this and can understand it logically, but it feels like the letting go that I have to do is still huge, and I still think in a very neurotic way, and feel overwhelmed on a very regular basis. I tend to want to take a lot of action towards my goals and go way too fast for where I'm at, to then be pulled back into the reality of what I'm feeling, which I've discovered makes me very frustrated deep down. It feels scary to let go of control and to face life, and to trust that I don't have to hold on so strongly to the things I want to get them and be more free.

So here I am now, about to start university in psychology next week, and with my life looking and feeling much better that it did 2 years ago. I know that I have tons of stuff to let go of, and will try to continue to grow more light-heartedly in the future. Writing this was a bit relieving, and feel free to ask me anything and/or share something if you want to! Thanks!

[Bill W]

Hi and welcome,

I'm about to go to bed and finally be disciplined today on my sleep!

I will try and come back to this more  tomorrow or over the weekend.

I'm probably saying the obvious here, but I'd be real careful about any drugs or psychedelics from now on. Might be best to just avoid avoid avoid as there is so much other work on yourself you can do without substances. I know you are not saying you want to take substances again, and if you are a regular reader on here, you will know it is far from frowned upon to use substances! I'm not preaching against all substances, I think that's the first thing that should be decided on perhaps. The temptation will probably resurface for you to go in that direction again. 

Some people can handle substances well and use them beneficially, and some are not so fortunate. Anyone who wants to roll the dice with substance use and their mental health, that's their journey, not mine. 

Sounds like you've come a long way in a short space of time. 

Really well written and articulated post! Sounds like you are taking responsibility and moving in the right direction.

I'm also really working on my letting go and surrendering. 

Not sure if this will interest you, just thought I'd share one my favourite bits of content

I'm not saying your an addict and I'm not throwing this in just because of your substance use in the past. It's a lovely short clip about getting your life back on track! You may also come back to this if things at Uni get tough in the early days and you need to reach out.

He does mention psychedelics at the end in possibly a positive light I'm not sure, but the message is good. I think what he is saying that alternative states of consciousness don't have to involve psychedelics. 

 

 

Edited September 12, 2019 by Bill W

[Surfingthewave]

@Vicus Well done for posting,  it takes courage to reveal all for the first time. 

What your describing seems to be what a lot of us go through,  we make massive progress but we get pulled back,  back into thoughts, separation,  away from the now. Letting go seems to be as easy as it sounds but in reality it's like moving a mountain. Your ego will always try to protect you, using thought as a shield if you like. Perhaps each time this happens give it up,  let it go and realise it's happening because you're making progress. 

Keep doing what you're doing, and  don't underestimate what you have achieved in the past two years.   Less is more.   Celebrate how you've got here. Also remember you're not flawed. You're the opposite. 

Edited September 12, 2019 by Surfingthewave

[Nahm]

?? Thanks. Congrats on the job, all the self discovery, the lifestyle choices, etc, that’s impressive man! Really happy for ya! What a great feeling post. Keep doin what your doin!  If you want my two cents on this, or anything, or wanna chat sometime, HMU. Best of luck with school, and have fun!

[Vicus]

Thanks for your answers guys, really heartwarming! Felt realeasing to write this on here.

@Bill W yes that's for sure! I sure do not plan to do any of that stuff again, at least not irresponsibly and in the near future, cause I now know how it can impact me. I definetly agree that people can respond in a myriad of ways to substances depending on a lot of factors, and I seem to be apart of the sensitive ones. I don't however discard the possibility of using psychedelics later in my life for further inquiry and understanding. Thanks for the video man, will check! And congrats for your work as well!

@Surfingthewave thanks! Very refreshing perpective that you offer me here, I get what you're saying and really value your words. Although I probably have read this type of advice numerous times on the web, it definetly feels different when it's directed personally.

@Nahm thank you so much, I really appreciate it Will do if/when I feel the need to.